Something Like Olivia
by MALove17
Summary: Olivia Benson never lets her 17 year old daughter, Kat, see her pain no matter the circumstances. What happens when Olivia goes through the unthinkable? Will Kat being able to handle seeing her mother like that?
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic ever, but read on!**

Katherine Benson was fiercely independent, she took after her mother that way. There were times that she wondered how her mother kept herself together after all of those hard cases Olivia took on at the precinct. Kat wasn't immune to the cases her mother took on, she knew the gravity of each and every one as well as how important it was to catch the perpetrator - today was no different.

Kat emerged from her bedroom that morning promptly at 7:15am wearing jeans, a blue v-neck and her favorite pair of flats she had gotten on her birthday one year. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a messy bun, a necklace dangling around her neck – one that she never took off.

"Hey mom," she greeted her mother with a smile as she made her way into the kitchen to grab breakfast.

Olivia had already been up for about an hour going over the case she received the night before – it was one of the tougher ones she had to deal with. She looked up from her papers grateful for a break, smiling back at Kat and added, "Morning, you finish studying for that test you have today?"

Kat laughed as she took a bite of her toast, "God, Mom. I've got it covered, don't worry." As Kat put her backpack on her shoulders, she looked over at the case Olivia was looking at. "What's this one about?"

Olivia sighed and looked up at Kat, "You know I can't talk to you about this stuff, babe."

Kat rolled her eyes before picking up the file her mother was transfixed on, "Like that's ever stopped you from telling me before." Olivia sat back in her chair, looking up at Kat and chuckled, "You're going to make a great cop someday."

As Kat was flipping through the file, she suppressed a gasp as she came across a picture of a girl about her age who had been severely beaten and left for dead after a gang rape at a Hudson frat party.

"Benson." Olivia immediately said as she picked up her phone, occasionally glancing up at Kat who was flipping through the pages of notes in the case file. "Yeah Amaro, give me 15 minutes and I'll be there."

Kat glanced down at Olivia who was now frantically trying to get her things together. "What'd Amaro want this time?" She laughed as the statement was practically dripping with sarcasm.

"The vic just woke up at Mercy and she's ready to give her statement, I gotta go." Olivia grabbed the case file out of Kat's hands, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze before saying, "I'll be home hopefully tonight, you ace that test, you hear me?" And just like that, Kat was alone in the apartment once again.

* * *

Olivia made it to the hospital as soon as she could, traffic had been a nightmare. She confidently walked through the doors and up to the nurses station where she flashed her badge at one of the nurses who ushered her to a room down the hall. Amaro came walking from around the corner, two cups of coffee in hand.

"Hey partner," he said as he passed a cup to Olivia. "You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," she managed to say just before she walked into the hospital room where the vic was waiting.

It wasn't a pretty sight by any means. The poor girl was all of 19, sitting in a hospital room alone, terrified and covered in bruises. Olivia didn't blame her for initially not wanting to talk to her and Amaro at first, but when she finally gave in, SVU was right there.

Olivia made her way over to the side of the bed and in the softest voice she could manage began, "Hi Julie, I'm Olivia and this is my partner, Nick. We're from Special Victims." Julie's eyes darted between Olivia and Nick, she was doing her best not to panic under the circumstances but she was clearly struggling.

Against her better judgment, Olivia reached out and gently took Julie's hand in her own. "I know you're scared about what happened to you but I promise you that we'll do everything in our power to get you justice." Julie let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding and nodded before speaking, "Y-you're here to t-take my statement r-right?" Her voice cracking as she tried to keep the tears at bay and not lose it completely in front of the two detectives.

Olivia gave her a sympathetic smile and nodded all while never breaking eye contact with Julie, "That's right, do you think you could tell us what happened that night?"

Julie reluctantly began, avoiding eye contact from the start. "I-I was at a frat party on Tuesday night at Hudson with a few friends. We had been invited by a guy in my History class, he told us to come around 10." Julie rambled for a while on what he looked like and how he acted towards them when they first showed up to the party. "I had a few drinks at first and was talking to this group of guys John introduced me to when I started feeling dizzy, like the room started spinning."

She paused for a few moments, tears threatening to spill from her eyes at any given moment. "Th-the next thing I know, I'm upstairs in a room with 4 of them and they're all holding m-me d-down on the bed." At this point, the tears had long since spilled over the edge and Julie was having a hard time keeping it together.

Olivia quickly and softly intervened, "Julie, when they were holding you down, did you say no?"

"Y-y-yes, I said it over and over again but nobody cared. They just kept laughing and throwing me around like I was some kind of doll." Julie continued, trying to speak through her tears, "I must have blacked out, I'm not sure. I don't remember how I got here."

"If we brought you in for a line-up, do you think you could identify your attackers?" Olivia said, her eyes full of empathy for Julie and her situation.

Her eyes went wide at the realization that she would have to see her attackers face to face and she started to panic, "I-I can't see them, I don't want to see them!"

Olivia squeezed Julie's hands ever so slightly, "Honey, it's okay. They won't be able to see you and I'll be there the whole time, I promise. I won't let anything happen to you, can you trust me on that?"

She wiped the tears that made stains on her cheeks, Julie ever so slightly nodded at Olivia's sincere gesture and whispered "Thank you."

Olivia got up from the side of Julie's bed, thanking her for her bravery and handing Julie her business card – something she did with every victim she came into contact with.

Nick was waiting for her outside the hospital room, "You did good, she really trusts you, you know?" He gave her a sincere smile as he noticed that she seemed a little off.

"The poor girl, she has so much of her life to live and this happens to her." She glanced up at Nick, "It makes you think."

"Look, I get it." He smiled at her as they walked down the hallway. "I know Julie reminds you of Kat, all of the victims this age do. This job, once you're a parent, it changes you in a way you never thought about before."

She chuckled and nudged his shoulder with her fist as they began to drive back to the precinct, "Thanks for the pep talk, Nick. I appreciate it, partner."

* * *

Kat had gotten home from school about an hour ago, she was in the process of making spaghetti – a Benson favorite. The living room was already a mess, school papers and textbooks were all over the place from a marathon homework session she had done when she first walked in the door. She was in the last semester of her Junior year and she was beyond ready for it to be over.

Waiting for the water in the pot to boil, Kat returned to her place in the living room, attempting to pick up the papers that littered the floor and the couch cushions. She knew that when her mother came home that night, she would freak out if everything wasn't cleaned up. It was a routine, making a mess and cleaning it up before Olivia walked in the door – she had gotten in trouble if she didn't clean up so many times already.

As Kat made it back to the kitchen to throw the spaghetti in the pot to cook, she thought she'd clean up the rest of the apartment. It was the least she could do for Olivia, after all, Kat knew this case she was working was taking a toll on her even if Olivia never let it show. Olivia was the strongest, most selfless person she knew and she was grateful to have that. If only she could be half the person her mother was, Kat would be satisfied.

Breaking her out of her thoughts, was her phone that must have been ringing for at least a minute now. "Yeah?" Kat answered without bothering to look at the caller ID. "Oh hey, Mom."

"How did your test go today?"

"Great, I aced it. Definitely one of the easiest things I've ever taken this year."

"That's great, sweetheart." Kat was a great student, one of the top in her class so her performance in school was the least of Olivia's worries.

Olivia paused for a short moment and Kat beat her to what she was about to say. "You're not coming home tonight, are you?"

"I'm so sorry, this case is a lot harder than we thought. The stories don't quite line up, mostly on the perps end. I have to go interrogate him in a few minutes, I'll be home hopefully by the morning."

Kat sighed, realizing that it would be another night spent by herself in the apartment. Not that she minded being alone, having her mother there was just nice. "That's okay, I made some extra spaghetti for you. I'll put it in the fridge if you're hungry later." Kat paused again before saying, "Be safe tonight, I love you."

"I love you too, I'll see you in the morning Kat." Olivia said before they both hung up the phone.

Now that the spaghetti was ready, Kat put half of it in a left over container for Olivia when she came home and the rest in a small bowl for herself. She made her way over to the couch and turned the TV on as a way to drown out the silence in the apartment.

As Kat got older, she realized that there was a chance that Olivia wouldn't make it home night after night – it scared her to think that it was a possibility that her mother could be gone in the blink of an eye. She sighed, slowly coming out of her head as she cleaned up her dinner, realizing it was almost 10:30pm.

Turning the TV off, Kat made her way to her room at first before making a quick turn around to the room adjacent to hers. Turning down the covers, she made her way into the bed silently thinking to herself that she was silly to think such awful things and that Olivia would be home when she woke up the next morning.

**I was going to bring Lewis into this story within the next few chapters and play that out, what do you think? Any ideas are welcome! Please read and review. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed this story so far! Here's Chapter 2, I hope y'all like it!**

A week had passed since Olivia took Julie's statement in the hospital and the case was finally closed. The case had gone to court and after a lengthy trial, all four men had been convicted and sentenced to Rikers. It was always a plus to see a perp get sentenced, especially in such a tough case. Every case was tough, some more than others and this one had been beating Olivia down lately. She had barely been home since the first night she called Kat, it was never easy leaving her to fend for herself but it was something that had to be done, a necessary evil.

Kat understood why Olivia didn't come home most nights of the week and she was grateful to have someone as dedicated as her mother who deeply cared about victims and bringing them justice. When Olivia was home, Kat cherished those moments spent with her even if Olivia was on her back about the smallest things. She loved Olivia and was terrified whenever she came home bruised or the time her mother was shot – God that scared her, it still does.

Olivia and Kat were one and the same, they depended on each other and when things got hard, they never let themselves fall apart – they were Benson's, always strong and never fell apart. Kat never voiced her concerns over her mother's line of work, she knew that the squad would lay their lives on the line to save each other and that was enough for her to make sense of everything. Of course Olivia knew that Kat worried about her safety, a mother always knows. Each of them accepted the dangers that Special Victims faced each day and that life goes on, it was inevitable.

Kat had woken up late that morning, it was a Saturday – a day in which she always looked forward to because her mother almost always had the day off. She had pulled herself out of bed, not caring if she was still in her pajamas and meandered her way down the hall to find Olivia. She wasn't surprised to see that there was a half-eaten breakfast sandwich on the kitchen table and that the newspaper was already half read – it was a routine with Olivia. She had gotten home in the wee hours of the morning, scrambled something together to eat and then once she was exhausted, made her way to bed to catch up on the sleep she was desperately craving.

Kat smiled as she began to clean up the table, all while taking a bite of the sandwich her mother had left. "God, she always knows how to make a mean sandwich" She laughed under her breath as she finished the last few bites. Kat knew Olivia was still asleep, she always felt bad that some cases took so much out of her, Olivia always told her it was just part of the job but Kat knew it was so much more than that.

After a half hour of watching TV, she decided it was time to check on Olivia and to maybe start their day – not that they had anything planned but it was always nice just to lay in bed and talk, Kat relished in those moments they shared. She slowly and quietly made her way to her mother's room, opening the door and seeing that Olivia was fast asleep under the mess of covers on the bed. Even though Kat was seventeen, she still loved to lay in bed with the person she loved most. As soon as she got comfy under the covers, Olivia began to stir mumbling while still half asleep, "Kat?"

"Yeah Mom, I'm right here." Kat whispered as her mother turned to face her.

Olivia brushed her hair out of her face, squinting her eyes at the light that was shining through the window in the corner of the room, "What time is it?"

Kat had to laugh at how delirious her mother was after waking up, "It's 10am, Mom. It's not like we have anywhere to be." She looked over at Olivia, sighed as she asked, "What time did you get home this morning? I didn't hear you come in."

"4am, I tried to be quiet. I know how you like your beauty rest, Princess Kat." She laughed as her daughter threw one of the smaller pillows at Olivia.

Kat rolled her eyes in a typical teenager fashion, which made Olivia laugh even harder. "You know it's true, sweetheart. You're a bear when you're tired."

* * *

Olivia and Kat had stayed in that day, Olivia being too tired to do much and Kat had a few school projects she had to work on that were due the following week. Both Benson's had spent much of the day in quiet, letting each other lounge around the apartment. Kat knew that something was bothering her mother but she knew if she asked, Olivia would more often than not, shut her down and say she was fine – the typical Benson go-to phrase.

At around dinner time, both women decided that they were against cooking something and opted to order Chinese. The people at the restaurant knew them both by name considering the amount of times they ordered, they were regular customers. Being a frequent flyer had its benefits though, their food was always delivered astronomically fast which was a huge help in almost every situation. Once both Olivia and Kat were settled on the couch watching a mindless TV show, Kat decided to rip the band-aid off as to what was bothering her mother.

"I know you're working this case and you haven't been home a lot this week, but are you okay? I mean you seem off and just not like my mom. Did something happen? Is it something I did?" Kat began to ramble, not really knowing where she was going with the question. "If it's me, you know that you can tell me or even if it's the case, you can talk to me about it. I love you and I don't want you to hurt more than you have to, Mom."

Kat was staring straight at her mother, waiting for a response with a breath she didn't even realize she was holding. She hated seeing her mother so upset about something she refused to talk about.

Olivia paused to digest the questions her daughter had just asked, wondering if she really wanted to confide in her seventeen year old daughter. She realized that it wasn't always fair to Kat to have to watch her mother suffer, especially after Olivia spent all those years watching her mother do the same to her. Just thinking about her mother was enough to bring tears to Olivia's eyes.

Kat saw her mother trying to hold herself together and she pressed again, "Mom, please. Don't make this harder for yourself, please don't shut me out."

She took a deep breath before she spoke, trying to compose herself as she saw her daughter trying to piece together in her mind what was happening before her. "It's not you sweetheart, it will never be you. I hope you know that." She genuinely smiled at Kat and continued, "This case just got to me, I shouldn't have let it but it did."

"Mom, it's not like you did anything wrong. You did all you could for the victim, I'm sure she's grateful that you were there for her throughout the process." Kat spoke, secretly relieved that her mother's guilt and worry had nothing to do with something she did.

Olivia nodded, "You should have seen her sitting in that hospital bed, all alone and absolutely terrified about what was coming next for her." She took a long pause as tears threatened to spill over, "She looked just like you and every time I looked at her, I saw your face."

Her daughter saw how upset her mother was over the latest victim she came into contact with and she tried to interject, "But Mom,"

By now, the tears had started and Olivia was furiously trying to wipe them away. "She endured the worst experience of her life at nineteen and all I could think about was you and how it would kill me if something ever happened to you."

Kat could count the number of times she had seen her mother cry on one hand and this was time number two. The last time Olivia cried in front of her daughter was when Elliot left the squad with no explanation and that was so hard for Kat, seeing her mom so heartbroken like that. She knew her mother and Elliot had a close relationship but she never really realized how much they depended on each other day in and day out.

Her daughter knew that the last thing Olivia wanted to do was talk, she knew that Olivia was embarrassed about crying in front of other people, let alone her daughter so Kat decided on the next best thing which was to throw herself gently into her mother's arms instead.

Olivia resisted at first but the need for the comfort of her daughter won and she held on to Kat as the tears just kept coming. After a while, Kat let go of the embrace, reaching up to wipe the tears from her mother's eyes.

"Mom, I need you to look at me." Kat explained as she waited what seemed like forever until eye contact was made. "I am not going anywhere, I promise. I need you to understand that, I will be here no matter what. If you have a crappy day and you need to yell, go ahead and yell at me. If you need to cry, please just cry instead of pretending that everything is peachy. I know that SVU isn't always easy and some cases are hard but I need you to know that I'm here, I love you too much to let you suffer like this."

Olivia pulled her daughter back in to her embrace, wiping the last of her tears away. "Are you sure you're my daughter?" She managed to laugh as Kat squeezed her tighter, "Of course I'm your daughter, I learned from the best, you know."

**Lewis will hopefully be introduced within the next 2 chapters, I'll try not to drag things out. I'll try to post Chapter 3 within the next day or so. Any ideas are welcome! Please please please please review! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's Chapter 3! Please please please review!**

Olivia's week had been hell and she was beyond ready for it to be done so she could have a much needed reprieve from the cases that she was dealing with at the 1-6. She had been sitting at her desk for over an hour just staring at the notes from her latest case, William Lewis. He had exposed himself in the park to some tourists. She was silently thanking whoever was listening that a photographer nearby had captured the whole ordeal so at least the squad had somewhere to start their investigation. Something about him just seemed off to her and Olivia was doing everything in her power to try to find something in his background that would get him to sit in a cell a while longer.

She had gotten back from his arraignment a few hours ago, she couldn't help but notice Lewis had gotten especially handsy with his very young public defender. Barba had suggested a simple plea bargain but in the end, Lewis refused to plead guilty and eventually walked. It tore Olivia apart to know that it was out of her power if Lewis did something to another person – it was hard not knowing when the inevitable was going to occur.

Olivia had managed to make her way home to get a night's sleep, after Cragen had basically forced her out of the squad room. When she finally made it back to her apartment, she threw her bag on the counter and began to make her way to her bedroom – much to her surprise, she found a sleeping Kat. Olivia knew she was Kat's security blanket even if Kat never would admit that aloud but after the week she's been having, Olivia was grateful to see that her daughter was peacefully asleep.

Kat stirred under the covers when Olivia laid down next to her and mumbled, "M-mom? What are you doing home?"

"Cragen sent everyone home for the night, we were getting nowhere with this case." Olivia whispered as she turned to face Kat, her hand mindlessly running through her daughters long, brown hair.

"Love you," Kat mumbled as she rolled over and fell asleep once again. Olivia had a hard time turning her brain off that night, there was just a bad feeling she couldn't shake off. She was worried about the events that transpired throughout the day, mostly for the next victim that she knew Lewis was going to take and how she was going to pull herself together in order to crack the case. By the time she finally managed to fall asleep, it was already 2:30am.

* * *

Across town, Donald Cragen had made his way to the home of the photographer that was in the park when Lewis exposed himself to the European tourists. In order to retrieve all of the photos on the camera, he had personally given it to TARU – he had just received it back in his hands only twenty minutes ago. Cragen didn't really know why he was driving across town at such an ungodly hour to return a camera to Alice, she could have waited until the morning – yet here he was, standing outside her apartment door.

He had knocked twice before taking a step back, waiting for a response. At first, he assumed nobody was home but as he was turning to walk away, the door clicked open.

"Hi Alice," Don began, "I-I know it's late but I thought you'd like this back." He held the camera up as he took a few steps towards the open door. "I'm sure you'd like to keep a look out for those Magnolia Warblers in Central Park."

Alice smiled gratefully at the man standing before her and quickly but nervously added, "T-thank y-you, Captain. I'm s-sorry for causing you the trouble of bringing it here at this hour."

He couldn't help but notice that she seemed a little jumpy, not anything like the calm and collected woman he talked to earlier in his office. "Is everything alright?" He just decided to ask rather than walking away, he couldn't live with himself if he walked away when there was something he could have done to help.

"I-I'm fine, I have something in the oven. I better check on it. Thank you again for the camera." She gave a quick smile before shutting the door.

Little did Cragen know that Lewis was behind the door, a gun pointing at Alice's head the whole time. Alice wished that she could have said something but a bullet in her head was something she was trying to avoid.

"Now, let's have some fun. Shall we?" Lewis had already shoved her back into the bedroom and was starting to tie her up to the bed. Alice knew that whether she was ready or not, she was in for a world of pain – she just hoped that she could make it to morning when a neighbor would hopefully find her.

* * *

She was brutally awakened the following by the shrill ringing of her cell phone on the dresser next to her bed. Fumbling around, her hands grabbed the phone, she finally managed to answer, "Benson." Sitting up in bed, she sighed as she was listening to Amaro on the other end fill her in on the latest happenings with Lewis and his escapades. "He did what?!" She blurted out, forgetting that Kat was on the other side of the bed, probably listening in to the conversation and pretending she was still asleep. "Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can." Hanging up the phone, she turned around to find her daughter fully awake, attempting to piece together what was going on.

"I gotta go, this case just keeps getting worse – it's a relentless cycle with this guy." She sighed as she looked over at Kat who nodded.

"It's okay, Mom. I get it, go ahead." Meanwhile, Olivia had already been in the process of gathering her things to head to the hospital. She was just about to head out to grab her purse when she stopped at the bedroom door, turning to Kat. "I'm sorry, babe. I'll see you later." Her mother was obviously rushed with whatever piece of news she had just received, "Love you, Mom!" Kat had managed to have the last words before she heard the front door close, her mother gone once again.

"Goodbyes never get any easier do they." She sighed, hoping that her mother would put the son of a bitch away for whatever he had done. Sometimes Kat thought it was better to not ask questions about cases her mother came home with, the world was full of sick people who got off on torturing and raping others. She thought that she was better off not knowing sometimes, except on the rare occasion that her mother just started talking about the latest case the squad had gotten. Kat wanted to help bring justice to others, just like her mother had time and time again – she had dreamed of becoming a detective since the first day she stepped into the squad room with Olivia when she was three. She could only hope that she could be half the detective her mother was, and even that was a stretch for Kat – she idolized her mother and everything she had done for others.

* * *

When she stepped into Alice's hospital room, she had to suppress a gasp. Shocked was an understatement, the bruised and battered woman looked nothing like the cheery person Olivia had met only yesterday. Fin and Amanda had already started on Alice's statement but she insisted that Olivia had to be there.

Before Olivia could even get a word in, Alice immediately explained to the three detectives that Lewis had done this to her. She was adamant that they all understood who did these awful things over the course of 18 hours.

"Alice, we are so sorry this happened to you." Fin started out, looking between Olivia and the woman lying before him.

"Do you think you could tell us what he did to you?" Amanda cut in, gently pressing Alice to remember the events that occurred.

Olivia nodded as she made her way to the edge of Alice's bed, sitting down on a swivel chair that the doctors used during some exams. "It's okay, we're here to help you. We won't let him get away this time."

"Uh, I-I had g-gotten home around 8 last night from Bingo with my neighbor Martha, I didn't even realize anyone was in the apartment until he stepped out from inside the hall closet."

"Who is 'he', Alice?" Fin asked, just for the record to state that Alice recognized her attacker.

"L-Lewis, that man that exposed himself to those poor girls in the park. I-it was him, he did this to me." She shakily blurted out as the 60 year old woman was trying to keep herself together for the sake of whatever dignity she had left. "He pointed a gun at me and told me to keep quiet or he'd shoot me."

"Then what happened next?" Olivia gently pressed Alice to continue her statement.

"Um, he, uh, threw me down on the couch, fed me some kind of pills and then disappeared into the kitchen for a little while. When he came back, I felt a searing pain on my wrists." Alice held her wrists out to the detectives, they had been bandaged but they all knew that Lewis pressed cigarettes to her skin in multiple places – the doctors had filled them in on Alice's condition earlier. "He came back a few times, burning me before I passed out."

"What happened when you woke up, Alice?" Fin asked from across the room, he had a pretty good idea at what was coming next, everyone knew but no one wanted to be the first to ask.

"I heard a knock at the door and Lewis told me to answer it. He, uh, he said that if I tried to run, he'd kill me." She had long since started crying but much to the detectives surprise, Alice spoke slowly and clearly the entire time, never once faltering or stumbling over her words. "It was your Captain, he was returning my camera." She smiled slightly, "When he left, Lewis grabbed me by my shirt and dragged me to my bedroom. H-he tied me to the bed so I couldn't move and burned me again with a coat hanger." Alice pointed to the larger bandage that covered her collarbone before continuing, "He tore my clothes off and I-I begged him to stop but he punched me a few times before he, you know, raped me." Alice had never once stumbled over her words until she admitted that she had been raped, she was slowly crumbling in front of the detectives and they all knew it.

"I was supposed to go to the store with Martha this morning, she has a key so she was the one who found me. That's all I remember." Alice admitted, a look of defeat on her face.

"Thank you Alice, you've been a huge help." Amanda nodded as she spoke, her eyes full of empathy for the older woman sitting in front of her.

Cragen had been outside the hospital room the entire interview, he couldn't help but shake the idea that he was somehow responsible for not helping Alice in time. "You know, if I had just turned around and walked back up to the door this wouldn't have happened."

Amaro had been standing with his Captain the whole time, he knew that Cragen felt incredibly guilty that he had unknowingly left Alice with Lewis the previous night. Nick had never been one for having heart to hearts, let alone with his Captain but he could see that he needed to say something to ease a little bit of pain Cragen was feeling over the situation. "Cap, Alice is a tough lady. She fought back, there's evidence of that all over her apartment. You had no idea that this would ever happen, or that Lewis was even in her apartment. None of this is your fault."

"It makes you think, if you could do things all over again and how this would change, you know?" Cragen looked up at Nick, "We need to get Lewis into interrogation, take Benson with you and go pick him up."

* * *

**Please please review! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's Chapter 4! Please please please don't forget to review! :)**

* * *

Lewis had been in the interrogation room going on an hour and he was not giving up any information. Fin and Amanda had taken their turn trying to crack the Beast but they had no such luck. He had been picked up outside a bodega near the halfway house and had immediately been taken to the 1-6 – it amazed everyone that he had walked free the previous afternoon. Now it was Benson and Amaro's turn to try to retrieve whatever information they could from Lewis.

"That old lady said I raped her?" He laughed and added, "I told you she was crazy the first time."

"You're saying that she made it up?" Olivia had asked as she paced the area of the room behind where Lewis was seated, handcuffed to the metal table in the middle of the box.

"Hm, I know enough to stay away from her." Lewis shrugged off her comment, already starting to deny everything that had transpired with Alice Parker the night before.

Nick jumped in, a little sarcasm dripping in his voice, "Alright, so where were you yesterday? Not the halfway house."

"No, I'm all done with that place." Lewis began to shake his head, "It's supposed to be all about recovery but all they do is steal taxpayers money. There's no services, there's no security. It's, the whole thing is a farce."

"Yeah, so where were you?" Benson asked, now standing directly to the left of Lewis. All she wanted was some answers, just to put this guy away.

"Yeah, thanks for the sympathy." He looked straight ahead, refusing to look at Olivia who had been glaring at him for a few seconds.

"Sympathy?" Olivia nodded, pausing to look at Nick before leaning in across the table towards Lewis to say, "What you did to her, you're lucky I didn't kick your teeth in."

The Beast turned, finally making eye contact with the female detective and bitterly adding, "What I did? You should be so lucky someone does that to you." A slight smile came across his face, as Lewis and Olivia stared down one another.

Their eye contact quickly broken as Nick banged his fists on the table twice before pulling it away, "Hey! Shut the hell up! I'll take you out right here, so wipe that stupid smile off your face." He was trying so hard to keep it together during the banter between his partner and Lewis but it ticked him off to hear Lewis threaten Liv like that.

Olivia put her hand on Nick's arm as he slowly backed away from the table, "Hey, hey, I wanna hear this." She began to say as she started to slowly circle around Lewis who was seated. "I should be so lucky. How?" She pulled a chair from across the room and sat it down next to Lewis who had a sly grin plastered on his face as he watched Olivia move. "Tell me." She said as she pushed Lewis to continue.

"Sure sweetheart," he said as he leaned back in his chair. "What do you wanna hear?"

"Whatever you got."

"You mean like, how disturbing it would be to make a fine, educated, cultured woman like that disrobe? How humiliating it would be?" He paused, never breaking eye contact with Olivia who was trying to play the same game Lewis was doing with her. "How she might try to cover herself with her hand?"

"Go on," she pressed as she was trying to get his take on Alice Parker.

"You wanna hear how I tied her to the bed?" He smiled once again, fiercely making eye contact with Olivia from across the table. "Not too tight, so I could watch her struggle. Oh, what about if I made her go down on her knees, force myself inside of her or, you wanna hear about the pyrotechnics? How I put out my cigarettes on her? Yeah, gotcha." Lewis continued, "Or how I branded her private parts with keys, hot hangers."

Nick, clearly disturbed at Lewis' admissions to Olivia cut in, "Alright, we know you're getting off on this but you know what? I wanna know how you got in that apartment."

Lewis scoffed at the accusation Nick had just made, shaking his head side to side before saying, "It was by the numbers." He turned his head from Nick to look at Olivia once again, "Men are from Mars, right Detective? He wants the logistics but you, you want the emotion."

Liv nodded, her eyes a little glassy as she was hearing these horrific things come out of his mouth. "I do." She paused, "So tell me more."

"Do you wanna hear how she was alone with me all night? A 60 year old woman," He paused, "She did things, she never expected to do. She never, imagined were possible. With fingers, her mouth." Lewis began to lean in, closer towards Olivia who was trying not to let him read her emotions that were flying through her mind. "Or do you wanna hear how at the beginning, she said she would do anything, she begged me for her life. And by the morning time, she was begging me to take her out of her misery." He paused for a few seconds before continuing, "Which one do you think I enjoyed more?"

A knock at the interrogation room door interrupted Lewis from telling his story and all three individuals turned their attention to who was coming in.

"Detectives?" Cragen walked in with Lewis' public defender from his earlier arraignment.

"It's my lawyer," Lewis exclaimed as the young defender made her way to his side.

"You guys can't talk to my client," she said as she placed her purse down on the table, sympathetically looking at Lewis.

"Yeah I told them they weren't allowed to do this," Lewis was quick to add, already playing the victim in this situation. "It's just hypothetical," He told Olivia as he discretely but quickly winked at her.

"You know better, he's invoked." the public defender told Amaro who was already pissed about the current situation they were all involved in.

Olivia slowly stood up from her chair, making eye contact with the very confident younger woman standing before her. "Good." She sighed as she walked over towards the door, "I need a shower." She said to no one in particular, but she was a little shaken up about what transpired in the interrogation room.

* * *

"You should have held the lawyer off, I was so close." She sighed as she turned her head towards Cragen, a look of defeat written all over her face.

Cragen was quick to jump in, "He was playing you."

"I had him, he was getting off on telling me the details." She snapped back at her Captain.

"He wasn't confessing, every phrase was couched in a hypothetical." Barba quickly threw out his professional knowledge to the group.

"Well, it doesn't matter. Don't we have him?" Amaro asked Barba and his Captain.

Amanda came into the mix, "Her rape kit just came back, his DNA is all over her, the bed, the stove knobs."

Olivia turned and sighed, looking at her partner who was starting to walk away. "The stove knobs?"

"He branded her." Nick turned, facing Olivia.

"We also found her cameras and jewelry at a pawn shop. The owner ID'ed Lewis." Fin said as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Wherever he is, whatever he has done before, he's going away for life." Barba assured the weary detectives that were standing before him, they all wanted to put Lewis away for what he had done, there wasn't a doubt in their minds as to how badly they wanted to see him in a jail cell for good.

* * *

Olivia had taken a much needed reprieve away from Lewis and her squad, sometimes she just needed a moment alone to collect her thoughts and to ground herself back to reality. There was no denying her job was difficult, hell, she had heard so many heartbreaking things over the years, she often wondered how she was still standing amidst it all. She was a fighter, there was no doubt about it – she wanted to get justice for every victim she had met, it's what restored her faith, just knowing that the victims were able to move on with their lives after trials.

Alice Parker had come in to identify Lewis in a line up but he had other motives which included, attempting to choke himself while being transported to the precinct. Fin told Olivia that he was being held on suicide watch at Bellevue for his latest antics. "This poor woman just can't catch a break." Olivia softly said to Fin as he gave a small smile to one of his oldest friends. "Liv, we'll nail him. He won't walk again." She nodded, thankful that Fin never pushed her to confide emotions that she wasn't always comfortable with letting show, she appreciated that immensely.

By the time she had reconvened with her co-workers downstairs in the precinct, Amanda had already cracked where Lewis came from. His name had been misspelled in a number of police stations around the country, ranging from Alabama to Maryland, hence the reason he had never been convicted of the things he had done to countless other women. Olivia was horrified that he had managed to get out of every single arrest against him and she was the first to stand up and ask her squad if they could live with themselves if Lewis walks again.

With that statement thrown out in the open, their Captain had sent them all on a much needed break from each other and from Lewis – sending them home for a few hours and telling them to be back by one that afternoon.

* * *

She was reluctant to go home, Olivia knew that Kat would have an array of questions about her latest case and why she was so worked up about it. The last thing Olivia wanted to do was tell her daughter about the serial rapist they were dealing with at the precinct – some things, her daughter was left in the dark about and this would be one of those times.

Kat had the day off from school, it had been a teacher in-service so they were able to plan lessons for the following weeks. She had been happy to have the day to lounge around by herself, even though she missed the comfort of having her mother there to talk to.

When Kat heard keys jiggling in the door, she smiled at her mother when she came into view – she knew her mother was exhausted but Olivia did her best not to show it. "Hi sweetheart," Olivia smiled at her daughter as she wrapped Kat in a hug, something she had been looking forward to ever since she was pulled out of the interrogation room. "After the day I've had, I'm so glad to see you." Olivia chuckled slightly.

"Are you hungry? I'm sure there's something in the fridge that I've made that you could eat. Or you're tired? I know you've had a long few days, you could sleep and I'll find something to do." Kat began to ramble, trying to make sense of what her mother wanted – she wanted to make things easier for the woman who worked so hard day in and day out.

Olivia smiled, "Kat, honey, slow down." She rested her hand on her daughters arm, squeezing it gently. "I'm going to go take a shower and then we'll find something to eat, how's that sound? I have to be back at the precinct by one."

"That's fine, go take your shower and sleep if you want. I'll figure out food, okay?"

Olivia was so thankful that her daughter was so willing to put her own needs aside to help but she always felt bad that Kat had to grow up so quickly because of SVU. She nodded towards her daughter as she made her way to her bedroom, desperately craving a shower to rid herself of the conversation she had with Lewis earlier.

When Olivia had gotten out of the shower, all she had wanted to do was sleep. She was emotionally drained and physically exhausted, it was a miracle that she had even managed to stay awake this long at all. She figured that she could pick something up to eat on her way back to work and her craving for sleep trumped all.

Kat hadn't heard a peep from her mother in a while so she made her way down the hall to the bedroom she had made her own over the last few nights. When she had saw her mother passed out on the bed, all Kat wanted to do was be near Olivia and if that meant meandering her way into her mother's arms, then that was fine with her. "Mom," she whispered, "I'm going to lay with you for a little while." Kat didn't really know why she felt the need to tell her mother that, maybe it was the fact Kat needed the comfort of familiar arms holding her or just the fact that she wanted to spend time with her mother even if it was only for a few hours before she disappeared again.

Kat had moved her body close to her mothers, nudging her head near Olivia's arm and laying still for a few minutes before moving her hand up to her mother's head and running her fingers through her hair. It brought a great deal of comfort to Kat all those times that Olivia had done it to her, her daughter just wanted Olivia to know that she was there for her, if she wanted to let go of all the emotions she had been carrying over the past few days with the case Kat knew nothing about.

Her thoughts began to take over and she couldn't imagine not having her mother in her life. Even though Kat was seventeen, she loved her mother's company and having such a great role model in her life. Her mind brought her back to the time Olivia was shot and how close Kat had come to losing the only blood-related family she had, she couldn't possibly endure the trauma of something like that ever happening again. Before Kat knew it, she had been crying and her mother was beginning to wake up as her daughter was quietly whimpering beside her.

"W-what happened?!" Olivia jumped to conclusions, assuming the worst. "Is everything okay?"

Her daughter reluctantly nodded her head and swiping away the tears, hoping that her mother didn't see them. "It's nothing, really. Go back to sleep."

Olivia could never take nothing for an answer and she pushed her daughter to confide what she had been feeling but underneath, she knew how deep Kat's insecurities ran as far as if Olivia didn't make it home one day after work. "Kat," Olivia whispered, taking her daughters hands in her own. "Talk to me, sweetheart."

Kat had already felt silly for being caught red-handed by her mother but there was a desperate need to convey her thoughts to Olivia. "I-I was just thinking about how there might come a time when you don't come home at all." She managed to choke out as the tears started again.

"Babe," Olivia started, a look of complete sympathy in her eyes as she looked at her daughter crumbling in front of her own eyes. "I'm not going anywhere any time soon, I promise."

Kat refused to make eye contact with her mother, "How can you promise something like that? You deal with guns and perps, rapists and abusers every day. How can you tell me that nothing will happen to you?" She wasn't trying to get angry at her mother, Kat was just trying to get a grip on the reality she was faced with every time her mother left the apartment. "What about that time you got shot? I thought I was going to lose you, Mom."

Olivia pulled her daughter into her arms, mindlessly running her fingers through her hair, attempting to comfort the most important person in her life. "I have a lot of people who would do anything to protect me. There's Fin and Amanda, Amaro and Cragen," Olivia began listing off a dozen names in the NYPD, "That's what we do Kat, we go to the ends of the Earth to protect each other. We keep each other safe, day in and day out." She looked down at her daughter, "Yes, I come home bruised sometimes or occasionally with minor injuries but there won't be a day where you don't know that I'm safe."

Kat looked up at her mother, "I-I just d-don't want to lose you, M-mom." She buried her face in her mother's chest and managed to mumble, "I love you too much to let anything happen to you."

Olivia was trying so hard to keep it together, she knew her job was dangerous but she somehow managed to stay safe all these years. "I'm not going anywhere, Kat. I'm here for a while, babe." She shakily said as she swallowed a lump that was building in her throat. "I love you so much, Katherine Benson."

She held her daughter as she cried out all her worries, Kat always knew her mother was the first one who could make her feel better after these situations. She always wondered how she became so lucky to have Olivia Benson as her mother – maybe God was looking out for her on the day she was born when the nurse placed Kat in her mother's arms.

* * *

**Please please please review! I'll try to have the next chapter up soon. :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**PLEASE please review! **

**Some of you have been asking who Kat's father is, I'm going to try to work that into the next few chapters, so please bear with me as I figure it out!**

** If you have any ideas at all, don't hesitate to throw them out there! **

**Y'all have been so awesome with this story! :) **

* * *

The following afternoon brought Olivia to Motions Court to witness Barba fight for the ruling that Lewis is able to stand trial. She knew that Lewis was only trying to delay things progressing forward, he was good – maybe a little too good at finagling his way out of everything.

"Your Honor, as you can see from his record, Lewis Williams or William Lewis or whoever he's calling himself today is not crazy, he is crazy like a fox." Barba stood before the Judge trying to get him to understand the gravity of the situation at hand.

Before the Judge even had a chance to mull the new information over, the very young public defender jumped to Lewis' aid, "Your Honor, my client has never been convicted. What he has been, is maligned, targeted and falsely accused."

"Five times." Barba quickly added.

"Mr. Barba, I do know that prior accusations are inadmissible."

"Yes, yes. I-I do your Honor." He paused then quickly defended his prior statement, "But they speak to his ability to do and say anything to avoid conviction."

"It speaks to his innocence." The young public defender sighed as she turned to glare at Barba across the room.

"Then why'd he burn his fingertips?" Barba questioned, "Use an alias? He obviously understands the parameters of the judicial system."

"Your Honor, the state's relentless harassment has taken a toll on my client."

From her seat, Olivia cocked her head slightly as she rolled her eyes, thinking to herself that Lewis was anything but the victim in the situation.

The defender continued, "He's had a complete psychotic break."

"If he's not competent to stand trial, he will remain incarcerated, in Bellevue, on medication until he is competent." The judge added to the ruling.

Lewis' lawyer nodded as she took the judge's deal, "I understand."

"You also understand that if he is found not guilty by reason of insanity, he will be sentenced to a criminal, psychiatric facility? Indefinitely."

Just then Lewis looked up at the judge, apparently coming out of his medication induced haze before speaking, "Your Honor," He paused, "I have been through a very dark time, since my arrest and subsequent persecution. But, I think there may be some light at the end of the tunnel."

His lawyer looking up at him, a questioning look on her face as she nudged Lewis, "Billy."

"It's okay," Lewis said as he looked down at her. "I have faith in the jury's ability to see the truth." He said as he managed a smile at his lawyer.

"So be it, the defendant is ruled competent and is remanded until trial." The judge exclaimed as he raised his gavel.

Barba turned towards Olivia and Cragen who had been watching the entire time, Olivia was horrified that he almost managed to get out of yet another bargain. Barba saw the look on her face and explained that if they want to put Lewis away, they would need to prep Alice Parker to bear witness as soon as possible before Lewis had a chance to delay anything else.

* * *

Before they had even left the courthouse, Olivia had gotten a worried call from Alice Parker's neighbor who had been trying to call Alice all morning but she wasn't answering her phone.

By the time they had managed to reach the apartment, Olivia rushed over to Alice who was laying on the couch, a book in hand. She crouched down on the floor next to the couch, gently resting a hand on Alice's shoulder. "Ms. Parker, can you hear me?"

Olivia waited a few seconds before reaching a hand over to check her pulse, she felt nothing. She sighed heavily as she turned to Cragen, shaking her head, "She's gone."

The car ride back to the precinct was silent, Olivia was horrified and Cragen felt guilty. Alice Parker had been through the worst ordeal of her life and she died before she could give her witness testimony in court.

In the morgue, Dr. Warner had already begun her examination. Cragen had sent Amanda and Olivia down to investigate and hear her findings.

"I'm ruling straight up myo-cardial infarction. In other words, she had a heart attack." Melinda explained to the two detectives who couldn't believe that was her final answer.

"Okay, but, it could be stress related." Olivia said, trying to wrap her head around the situation she was now faced with.

Warner nodded, "If you want me to speculate, sure. Stress could have been a factor."

Amanda leaned in over Alice's body, surveying the area, "It could have been?" She accused Warner, "She was raped, tortured."

Quick to defend her findings, Warner cut in, "3 days prior."

"Detectives, let it go." Barba came walking in, shaking his head as he saw how Warner was being accused.

"Best I can give you, is undetermined." Warner said, looking at a very disappointed Olivia.

Olivia turned to Barba as Melinda walked away, "If you lay out the time line in front of a jury," she began to say as Barba cut in, "If I had a murder charge. It's going to be hard enough to prove rape."

Amanda glared at Barba from across the room, "I used to like you."

"Ms. Parker was our lead witness." He paused as Amanda rolled her eyes, "She never made a lineup ID."

"I took the disclosure," Olivia exclaimed, pointing at herself as she took a step forward towards Barba. "She ID'ed him, he wasn't a stranger, she knew him!"

"Well they'll argue immediate outcry, excited utterance, the defense will argue that he was denied the right to question -"

Amanda shook her head as she walked over towards Olivia and Barba who were now in the midst of a huge disagreement. Olivia, angrily cut in, "He killed her!"

"You are not pleading down Rape 1 after what he's done, to her, to others." Amanda came to Olivia's rescue, fighting for Alice Parker who was now deceased.

"He's never even been convicted. If we can put him away for 4-7 years, it's a start. It's a start."

* * *

"4-7? What, years? No." Lewis laughed and shook his head as he was pacing in the visiting cell, filled with his lawyer, Barba and Olivia.

His lawyer shook his head at her client, "Let's hear them out, Billy."

"He will plead guilty to third degree sexual assault and grand larceny." Barba stared down Lewis from across the table.

"Robbery, right?" Lewis exclaimed. "She gave me the camera!"

Olivia who had been leaning against the wall from across the room, watching the banter back and forth, now joined in the conversation. "Shut up, Lewis. Just stop."

"Counselor, does she need to be here?" Lewis' lawyer asked, glaring at Olivia.

Lewis quickly assured her that she had nothing to worry about. "No, no Vanessa, it's alright."

"This goes to trial and we will charge you with multiple counts of first degree rape, sodomy, false imprisonment, homicide." Barba confidently told Lewis his plans as Vanessa became quickly disgusted at what was being said.

"She had a heart attack, my client had nothing to do with that." She said as she quickly shrugged off Barba's prior statement.

"And I had nothing to do with her being raped." Lewis quickly added, trying to get out of yet another trial.

Olivia began to speak as she maneuvered her way across the cell towards Lewis and his lawyer, "No, your DNA was all over her body." She paused, "And given her injuries, I dare your defense attorney to argue that it was consensual."

"She was obsessed with me."

"No deal, my client is not guilty."

Barba quickly interjected, "Your client raped and tortured a cultured, 60 year old woman."

"A jury will get one look at this scumbag, your insane if you think that they will let him go." Olivia said as she stared at Lewis' lawyer who was obviously annoyed.

Lewis shook his head, "You see this, Vanessa? You see? I told you."

"You're right. Mr. Lewis believes that Detective Benson and SVU have a vendetta against him." Vanessa began to say before Olivia shook her head, rolled her eyes and said, "Oh my god, you're unbelievable."

Lewis leaned across the table, not breaking eye contact with Olivia, "You've had it out for me from the get." He smirked as his lawyer told him to stop engaging.

"You've been doing sex crimes for a very long time," She paused, accusing Olivia, "and now you're projecting your anger at others, unto an innocent man."

With a furrowed look on her face, Olivia spoke, "Innocent?" She leaned in across the table, speaking to Vanessa, "Did you see the morgue photos of his last defense attorney?"

Barba quickly jumped up from his seat, "Olivia." He took her arm, trying to get her to back off.

Olivia was having none of it and continued on, "The one he raped and tortured for 19 hours. She was also convinced of her love -" She paused, trying to get a hold on her emotions. "O-of her clients innocence."

"Excuse me?!"

"We'll see you in court." Barba exclaimed as he had the last word in the matter.

* * *

When Olivia made it back to the precinct, the excitement of the day had died down significantly from that morning. Fin had taken Amanda to go grab something to eat and Amaro had gone home for a few hours to see his kids. Olivia had desperately wanted to go home to see her daughter but Kat had been working on a History project with a friend from school over the past day. She had let Kat stay overnight to work on it, she wished that her daughter could get a little bit of a break from school – she had been swamped with schoolwork lately, it just never seemed to stop.

Rather than spending her time at an empty apartment for a few hours, Olivia simply decided to go up to the cribs to gather herself. She was emotionally drained from having to deal with Lewis over these past few days, she really just wanted a chance to be alone for a little while without having the squad constantly asking her if she was alright. Whether or not she wanted to admit it, she wasn't even close to being alright.

She was laying on one of the beds that was farther away and a little more hidden than the others in the room, it wasn't the most comfortable thing she had ever laid on but it got the job done. She closed her eyes and attempted to rest but the only thing that she saw was Lewis' face – she would never admit it but he intimidated her a little bit. His presence was so over-bearing and strong that it even made Olivia shake a slightly even if she fought everything in her body not to show it.

Breaking herself out of her zone-out session, she decided to call Kat to hopefully ease her mind from the things that her head couldn't seem to let go of. She held her phone up to her ear as she heard the phone ringing and smiled when she heard Kat's voice on the other end say, "Hey Mom!"

She sighed, "Hey babe, how's your project coming along?"

"It's good, we're having a hard time finding a few pieces of information to add to it though."

"I'm sure you'll be able to find it, being the detective that you are – nothing gets passed you." Olivia said as Kat laughed on the other end of the phone.

"How are things at the precinct?" Kat had asked, just trying to make conversation but knowing that her mother had a lot on her plate.

"Um, everything is good. It's a little slow right now though." She said, hoping not really to get into it with her daughter.

There was a long pause, Olivia kept her explanation brief but her emotions had been getting the best of her lately and right now had been no different – she was trying so hard not to let the tears spill over and she quickly wiped the few that were running down her cheeks already.

Kat broke the silence as she heard the distinct sounds of her mother trying to keep it together, "M-mom?" She paused, "A-are you crying?"

Olivia immediately felt silly for breaking down at the sound of her daughters voice but she just couldn't shake Lewis from her mind – it was a relentless cycle she wished would end. She quickly but shakily said to her daughter, "I'm fine."

"Mom, you're upset." Kat said, quietly. "Please don't say you're fine because you and I both know that you're not."

"I-it's just this guy we picked up." Olivia started to say, "H-he's done some pretty a-awful things." The last thing Olivia wanted to tell Kat was that she was threatened by him during his interrogation the other day.

"You're doing everything you can though, he'll get what he deserves." Kat began to say, trying to comfort her crying mother on the other end of the phone. "Everything will turn out the way it's supposed to, the jury will see he's no good."

"I'm not so sure about that this time," She paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. "He's walked on everything he's ever done before."

"Then you'll have to put him away yourself, let Badass Benson take a swing at him." Kat laughed at the nickname the squad had given her mother in prior years.

Olivia laughed as her daughter managed to boost her self-esteem in a matter of minutes, something she desperately needed.

"Look Mom, I've gotta go work on this project a little more." Kat started to say, "Wipe those tears and put this guy away like the badass detective you know you are. I love you, Mom."

"Love you too, babe." She said as she hung up the phone. Olivia went into the bathroom to splash some water on her face in order to get rid of any trace of tears and went back downstairs to the precinct with a bit more confidence in her step.

* * *

Olivia was in attendance at the courthouse to witness and give her testimony against Lewis. All she wanted was to give justice to Alice Parker and the countless other victims who had never gotten to go to trial, she wanted to put Lewis in jail for good.

Amanda was on the stand first, explaining how she first came into contact with Lewis. She was the first one to bring him into the precinct for public lewdness. The charges had been dropped against him when the European tourists had eventually left the country. Amanda had brought up Alice Parker and how Lewis used her as retaliation for her capturing the moment on camera.

Lewis' lawyer motioned to strike that from the records and the judge agreed that the jury would disregard the previous statement.

Fin came second, explaining how he found Ms. Parker's camera and jewelry at a local pawn shop. When he had asked the owner if he recognized Lewis' picture, the owner had said that he had brought the items into the store. Lewis' lawyer had brought up the fact that the owner of the pawn shop could have been persuaded to agree to seeing Lewis if the goods in his possession had been stolen, avoiding any legal repercussions.

Nick was third, explaining that the apartment of Alice Parker looked like a scene from hell with blood and electrical cords strewn all over the place. The cords had been used as a form of torture and the entire apartment smelled like burnt flesh. Vanessa accused the NYPD of not being able to find a single witness that placed Lewis at the scene, let alone in Ms. Parker's apartment even though they had canvassed the entire building.

Olivia was the last of the detectives to testify, she had been nervous about this particular testimony because she wanted to do it the right way, to have all her facts straight so there was nothing that Lewis' lawyer could assume or use against her. She explained the scene of the apartment when she had first gotten there, that Alice had immediately blurted out, "It was him, Lewis, he raped me. That beast."

Vanessa had been particularly harsh from the start of her cross examination on Olivia, accusing Alice on not calling first responders until four hours after Lewis had left the apartment. Or how because of the ordeal she went through, Ms. Parker had been in a state of shock, disoriented and possibly even confused. Olivia had fought that the victim had been traumatized but her memory was not affected whatsoever. There hadn't been a lineup where Ms. Parker could identify Lewis because as Olivia put it, "She couldn't, because your client, faked a suicide attempt."

Lewis' lawyer also threw out the fact that Alice had worn bifocal contact lenses that could have inhibited her ability to correctly identify Lewis at the scene. Olivia had known that she had worn the contacts, except it would be out of her knowledge if Alice had been wearing them that particular night. Vanessa had even gone so far as to accuse Olivia as being obsessed with Lewis, a comment that she later withdrew from the record.

Melinda gave her medical testimony on the ligature marks on Alice Parker's wrists, burn marks on her neck, breasts and buttocks, and a plethora of evidence that was consistent with a violent sexual assault. The rape kit that Alice had released had semen in and on her body and that the odds of cross-contamination happening were 100 billion to 1.

Vanessa had initially accused Melinda of the implications of a contaminated rape kit and Melinda had explained that if it were ever to occur, the technician would be dismissed and the kit would be run again. Lewis' lawyer had hired a private investigator to test the evidence of the rape kit for any signs of contamination, much to the surprise of Barba who had no inclination of this test. Barba fought the judge and Vanessa to be given a chance to authenticate these documents but Vanessa said that it would be almost "impossible for the jury to disregard such a falsely damning testimony against my client." Barba had accused Vanessa and Lewis for trying to force a mistrial but in the end, the judge did declare a mistrial because of all the holes in both defenses story.

* * *

Olivia had gotten the call when she was sitting at her desk, to say she was horrified and extremely disappointed were understatements. Everything was out of her hands and she had to sit back and watch as everything unfolded. "And it gets worse," she said, "he's out on bail."

"Bail?" Fin questioned, "He doesn't have a pot to piss in."

"Vanessa, his legal aid attorney, posted his bond." Olivia said, much to everyone's horror.

Amaro had tried to say that Barba would be able to retry Lewis and try to get him convicted but Olivia quickly fought back, "If they even let Barba retry it. There's no DNA, there's no victim." She sighed as she was fighting to keep her emotions in check.

Amanda had threatened to shoot the son of a bitch but Fin opened up his wallet and offered to buy drinks for everyone. Nick had declined, he was going to spend time with his family and Olivia was going to head home, since she had barely been there at all.

"Well, go home. Stay there, two days." Cragen seriously told Olivia.

"Captain, that's -" She tried to fight it but her captain quickly interjected, "Liv! That's an order. If you show up to work, I'll have you arrested."

With tears in her eyes, she started to pack up her desk when Nick walked by asking her if she was alright. "Not really." She managed to say as he asked her if she wanted to talk about it, "Not really." She managed to say as sadly smiled at him.

* * *

She had made her way home after stopping at the Bodega a few blocks away from her house, she noticed her fridge was slowly emptying day after day – it didn't help that Kat had been using everything while Olivia had been at work.

When she opened her door, placing the groceries on the counter, she flicked the light switch on. She assumed that Kat had already gone to sleep, it was late and Olivia figured that she was probably exhausted from working on that project all the time. She threw her keys and phone on the counter, frustrated from the events of the day.

Midway through unpacking her grocery bag, she had heard a noise. "Kat?" She called out, "Honey?"

As she walked out of the kitchen and just as she was about to turn down the hallway, a gun was pointed at her head – Lewis behind the trigger, smiling as he said, "Welcome home, Detective Benson."

* * *

**Please please please please please review!**

**I'm heading to Washington D.C. on Thursday for a few days so I'll try to have the next chapter posted before I leave but until then, I'm sorry for the cliffhanger!**

**If you have any suggestions or ideas, please throw them out there - I'd love to hear them! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Please please pretty please review! If you have any suggestions or ideas, throw them at me! **

**Y'all have been SO amazing with this story so far. :)**

**BTW, SVU was amazing tonight! Anyways, here's Chapter 6!**

* * *

He had pulled the gun up to her cheek as Olivia stared at him in shock, hoping to whatever God was listening that she could make it out alive. Lewis had shoved her against the kitchen counter, her side hitting the sharp corner which made Olivia cry out. She had fought hard for a while, giving Lewis a run for his money – he got off on the struggle, after all.

Lewis had already beat her to a pulp and branded most of her body by the time he had tied her up to a dining room chair and put a piece of duck tape over her mouth to avoid being discovered by a neighbor. Olivia had kicked Lewis as he was tying her up, he shoved the chair to the ground and as her head hit the floor – everything went black.

When she finally regained consciousness, she was so disoriented. She thought she was dreaming as she opened and closed her eyes a few times but that thought was quickly thrown away as Lewis stamped his foot harshly next to Olivia's face.

"Hey," he said as she tried to focus enough to figure out her surroundings. "There she is. Big beautiful brown eyes. They're so beautiful." Lewis began running his hand on her cheek as the chair was still tipped over on the ground. "Give me a smile, still feeling woozy, huh?" He paused, "It's alright," as he lifted up the chair Olivia was tied to so it sat upright. "We got time."

"Mhmmhm," Olivia attempted to mumble through the duck tape that made it incredibly hard to breathe properly.

Lewis crouched down next to the chair as he ran his fingers through her hair, another hand holding the gun as it rested on her thigh. Olivia tried to turn her head away and Lewis grabbed a fistful of her hair, "Come on, don't be shy. We're past that. You've been so sweet since you were knocked out." He said as he sat down on the coffee table in front of Olivia.

He unscrewed the top of a vodka bottle as he held it out to her. Liv's eyes opened wide, trying to get them to focus – her head was pounding from the sleeping pills that had worn off and the concussion that she probably had from hitting the floor.

"Another drink?" The vodka bottle coming closer and closer towards her mouth that was still duck taped. "Oh," he sighed, "Why don't I take that duck tape off your mouth so you can say yes."

Olivia nodded, as Lewis lunged forward and held the gun to Olivia's jaw. "One thing: you scream again, I'll shove your gun right down your throat."

As he ripped the duck tape off her mouth, instead of screaming, Olivia spit on Lewis' face which surprised him.

"You know what?" She said, "Shoot me."

He smiled as he looked at her and started to laugh as he shook his head side to side. "That's the end game, sweetheart. We got a lot of shock and awe to go through before we do that." Lewis wiped his face with his fingers and put them into his mouth, licking them.

The next thing Olivia knew, his hand was wrapped around the bottom of her jaw. Shocked, she whimpered slightly not knowing what was going to happen to her next.

* * *

Across town, Kat had been at her friend, Maggie's house working on the History project for the past day and a half that was slowly making both girls go insane. They still had a lot more to work on before they handed in the finished product to their teacher so they decided to take a short break before continuing to work on it.

She knew she should probably call her mother to let her know that she wouldn't be home again that night, it was a conversation that Kat felt awful having because she knew her mom needed her – especially after another week of hell that Olivia had endured.

Kat worried about her mother but she knew that the squad always had Olivia's back whenever Kat wasn't around. She figured that her mother was probably just going to sleep the day off anyways, it's what she usually did after a tough week of cases.

Kat picked up her phone and dialed her mother's number, the call went straight to voice-mail which Kat knew all too well "Hey, it's Liv. Leave your message and I'll get back to you." She wasn't surprised about hearing it – the last thing Olivia wanted was human interaction, Kat got it so she began talking after the beep. "Hey Mom, it's Kat. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be home again tonight, this project is kicking our ass." She paused, "I know that you've been having a tough day, I hope you're alright. If you need me, just you know, call. I'll be here." Kat hung up the phone and didn't really want to think about returning to work on the project but she just wanted to get it done so it didn't have to be worried about anymore.

* * *

The familiar ping of her cellphone went off as it signified an unread voice-mail message. "That's probably my daughter," She began to say as Lewis picked up the phone and held it in his hands. "She'll be home soon, my partner will be with her."

"Your daughter and partner, huh?" He looked at the phone and back at Olivia before she spoke, "Yes."

"Do they both have keys?"

"Yes they do," She nodded confidently at the hope that she would soon be saved from this monster.

He put the phone up to his ear as he stepped over the broken glass and the lamp that had fallen during an earlier struggle between him and Olivia. "It's funny, I don't see much of your daughter's stuff around." He smiled as he leaned back against the kitchen wall, "You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"

"Let's think about what you're doing right now." She spoke, her voice shaky as the vodka made her mouth incredibly dry.

"Oh, I know what I'm doing." He assured her.

"You walk out that door, no one will know anything happened to me." She looked at Lewis as she motioned towards the door.

"What about that perv little detective, the blond one, huh? She's not gonna notice all the bruises, all the cuts?"

"Cab stopped short, I hit my face on the divider."

"What about this?" He lunged forward, his thumb pressing down hard on one of the cigarette burns on her chest making Olivia cry out.

"What about these burns, huh?" He smiled as he continued pressing down, "Just like a dog with a bone on that one."

"So what?" She glared at him, "You've done far worse and gotten away with it. Your lawyer friend, the red-head, she'll accuse NYPD of framing you after the trial." Lewis took a seat, her cell phone still in his hands.

"A mistrial."

"Lewis, go." She exclaimed louder, "Get the hell out of New York. You walk out that door, and we will pretend that this never happened."

He stood up, his hand cradling the side of her head as he stroked her hair, "You'll pretend that this never happened? Would you?" He grabbed her hair tighter in his hand as he accused her of lying to him. "There's something that I think you should hear." He said as he walked behind her, phone still in hand.

Lewis began to play Kat's voice-mail message, _"Hey Mom, it's Kat. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be home again tonight, this project is kicking our ass./em" emShe paused/em, "emI know that you've been having a tough day, I hope you're alright. If you need me, just you know, call. I'll be here."_

As Olivia's face fell at the realization that one of the only people who would come home and find her, wasn't coming and Lewis ate that up, smiling the entire time the voice-mail message played. He clicked the phone off and placed it on Olivia's head before it fell to the ground.

"Guess she's not coming," he proclaimed as he walked away from where Olivia was sitting.

"Billy," the words coming out of her mouth a bit shaky, "I'm offering you a way out."

He lunged forward once again, her gun pointed straight at her face. "You still bargaining with me? Really? We're past that!"

Staring down the barrel of the gun, Olivia staring at Lewis behind the trigger managed to say, "I'm an NYPD Detective. My partner, my squad, the entire department will hunt you down. You think that you've put people through hell? It will rain back down on you."

"You know what?" He paused as he took the gun away from her head, "Let it rain." The next thing Olivia knew, her world went black once again.

* * *

**PLEASE PLEASE review! **

**I'm off to D.C. in the morning and won't be back until Monday night so expect an update early next week - I promise I won't let y'all down! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you all so much for being super patient with this story while I was gone!**

**DC was super fun and it was a great weekend overall, I wish I didn't have to leave! I got back home a few hours ago and decided to update!**

**A few questions for you amazing people: Would you want to see any flashbacks that Kat/Olivia have about their earlier memories of life - if yes, any ideas? As far as Kat's father, I was just going to have him be absentee and not really be involved in their lives - like he walked out when Kat was little, what do you think? Also, when Liv is with Lewis, we don't really know if she is raped or not in the actual show - as far as this story goes, should she be or not?**

**Anyways, please please please please review and share your ideas with me! :)**

* * *

It was a Friday morning, just before lunch when Kat had gotten a phone call. She was sitting in her Math class when her phone rang. Kat quickly silenced it after her face turned bright red when the whole class had turned to see where the noise was coming from, she assumed it was a telemarketer or something and didn't pick up. She put her phone on silent, sliding it back in her bag so she wouldn't get in any trouble with her teacher if it accidentally went off again in class.

By the time lunch came around, when Kat pulled her phone out, she saw that she had six missed calls from Fin all with the same voice-mail: _"Hey Kat, give me a call when you can."_ She had thought it was weird to have him leaving all these messages, didn't he know that she was in school?

She held the phone up to her ear as the phone rang, she knew she was going to be late for class but she didn't care – it was Friday and her mind had been checked out since yesterday. "Hey Fin, don't you know I'm in school?" She said as she heard him on the other end of the phone.

"Sorry, must have forgotten the time." Fin muttered, "Hey, when was the last time you talked to your mother?"

"Wednesday afternoon, I think. I haven't been home, I've been working on a school project at Maggie's house." She was a little confused as to why Fin was wondering where her mother was, "Why? Isn't she with you at the precinct?"

"Cragen sent her home on two days leave, she was supposed to be at work this morning but she never showed." He paused, "We thought that you might have heard from her."

"I left her a voice-mail on Wednesday night, I just assumed she had a tough day and didn't want to talk to anyone." Kat said to Fin who was listening intently on the other end, obviously with-holding information from her. "I'll give her a call and swing home, I'm not doing anything in any of my classes today anyways." After saying goodbye to Fin, she called her mother, surprised that she got her voice-mail once again.

* * *

All of the detectives had been worried about Olivia ever since she left the precinct the night that Lewis made bail. They knew how emotionally invested she became in each and every case that came through the doors of the 1-6, everyone admired her for her dedication. She had left the precinct teary eyed and trying to keep it together, procrastinating for quite some time before eventually making it home.

It was odd not to see Olivia at work the following day for the whole squad. Truth be told, she was the heart and soul of SVU. She kept everyone in check, especially when times got tough – everyone knew that they could go to Liv if they needed anything, she was their backbone.

By the time Friday morning rolled around and Olivia didn't show up to work, that's when everyone became weary that something might really be wrong with her. Usually, she was the first one to the precinct in the morning and the last one to leave. A few hours had gone by before Amanda, Nick and Fin all agreed that they should look into it. First on the agenda was to call Kat to see if she knew any information with her mother, those two were inseparable.

Amanda and Nick listened intently to the conversation that Fin had with Kat, they knew that if Kat didn't know anything, something was up – they just couldn't figure out what.

"Go, Fin." Amanda was the first to speak after Fin hung up the phone, "Meet Kat at her apartment. If something did happen to Liv, she shouldn't be the first one to see it." Amanda hoped to God that nothing had happened but in SVU, you learn to assume the worst.

* * *

Kat had driven home after her phone call, she didn't really even want to be in school that day anyways so it made no difference. She wouldn't tell her mother about it, god would Olivia be pissed if she knew her daughter ditched half the day.

She had walked up the stairs, rummaging through her backpack as she pulled out the keys. Sliding the key into the lock and opening the door, she took a step inside the dark apartment. Something underneath her shoe had crunched, Kat flipped on the lights and what she saw looked like a war zone. There was broken glass all over the floor, broken chairs in pieces laying in various spots in the living room, blood stained the floor and carpets, the apartment was a disaster.

Her hand flew up over her mouth as she half gasped, half screamed and the next thing she knew, Fin was holding her in his arms. "Sh, Shh, Shh, it's okay." He nodded at her as Kat took another few steps down the hallway that led to both bedrooms. Her room hadn't been touched but when she saw her mother's room, that's when it took everything in her to not collapse. The sheets on the bed were gone, the comforter had been ripped and was now stained with a mixture of alcohol and blood, the lamp had been knocked off the dresser beside the bed, the mirror in the bathroom had been shattered but the most horrific thing was the massive blood stain on the mattress.

The kitchen wasn't much better, there had been a wire hanger and keys on an oven pan that was sitting on top of the stove. There were half lit cigarettes in cups scattered all over each room, crushed cans of beer, an empty bottle of vodka and whiskey had been broken against the wall in what looked like a struggle.

Fin picked up his phone, dialing the precinct. "We need CSU here now!" He shouted as Kat just looked at him in horror.

* * *

Cragen had been the first to arrive at the scene. Before he even stepped foot in the apartment, he saw Kat who was slumped against the wall outside, clearly in a state of shock because she was just staring straight ahead into the distance.

"Lewis, he did this." Fin exclaimed as he saw his Captain walk through the door.

Cragen surveyed the apartment of someone who he considered to be his daughter, he was shocked and horrified when he saw the damage that had been done. He stepped foot into Olivia's bedroom and seeing the blood stain on the mattress, said to one of the men from CSU, "Bag everything, you hear me?"

Amanda had come in after, "Yeah, he tied her up, duck-taped her mouth. Her hair, her, her blood, i-it's everywhere Captain."

"He might have taken her down the fire escape, the window's open and her bedding is gone." Nick exclaimed, coming out of Olivia's bedroom.

"Any sign of her cell?" Cragen asked.

"No, it's not in the apartment. TARU's tracking it." Amanda said as she crouched down on the ground, surveying the floor.

"Canvas the building, the neighborhood., check all surveillance cams." Cragen said as he walked into the kitchen.

"There's a pan on the stove," Fin said, turning towards his Captain. "With keys. It smells like burnt hair or flesh."

Amanda and Nick looked up from the other room as they heard that Lewis might have branded Olivia, nobody wanted to think that Liv could have endured something like that.

"Son of a bitch," Cragen muttered under his breath at what Olivia might be in for. He turned towards CSU, "A Detective has been kidnapped, you bag everything. I gotta call 1-PP," Cragen pointed at Nick, "And you find him."

Before leaving, he turned to Amanda, "And you get Kat out of here, now. She doesn't need to see this."

* * *

**Please please please please review! Sorry for the mini-cliffhanger! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**You people are the best, I love reading all of your reviews on this story - I'm SO glad you like it!**

**Please please please please review! :)**

**Here's Chapter 8!**

* * *

It had taken Amanda almost two hours to get Kat away from her apartment, mostly because she was traumatized and scared of what was happening to her mother. Amanda understood what it was like not knowing the severity of situations, she did after-all work in SVU which had a long history of cases coming up cold. She would never tell Kat that there was a chance Olivia might not come home, she didn't want to further traumatize the poor girl.

It was a long and silent car ride back to the precinct, Amanda drove while Kat sat in the passenger seat staring off into the distance with no real life in her eyes. Amanda didn't want to push Kat into talking, but she knew there would come a time where she would have to force the teenager to have a conversation she wanted nothing to do with.

By the time they got back to the 1-6, there were already some reporters on the street which frightened Kat because she knew just as much information as they did, if not less. Amanda had quickly jumped to her rescue and wrapped her arm around Kat as Amanda shielded her from the prying reporters. Kat had tears streaming down her face as the elevator doors opened into the squad room – she quickly wiped them away so no one would ask her any questions. Everyone saw how broken she looked but no one wanted to pry in case they let something slip that they shouldn't have.

The last thing Kat wanted to do was talk to anyone, she just wanted some alone time to attempt to grasp what was going on around her. She made her way up to the cribs, shutting the door behind her when silence filled the room. Kat had picked one of the cots in the corner, hidden from the door and reluctantly fell asleep – god knows she needed it.

* * *

Downstairs in the squad room, it was everything short of a frenzy. Uni's were running back and forth from the tip lines with stacks of papers in their arms. Don was in his office calling 1-PP, it killed him to have to put in a missing person, let alone for a person who he considered his own daughter. Amanda was frantically reading through the tip line notes, trying to find anything that could lead them to finding Olivia.

Across town, Fin and Amaro had gone to Lewis' halfway house, TARU had traced Olivia's phone and the last known location was in Lewis' room. They had both walked in through the doors, as the director promptly yelled that Lewis had gone AWOL and that he wasn't there. Finding Lewis' roommate, Amaro had shoved him up against the bedroom wall, screaming, "Where is he? Where's Lewis?"

"I don't know, I swear!"

"He was here!" Fin shouted as he stood next to Amaro who was still pushing Jose into the wall.

"What? No, no, no, wait! I swear to god!" Jose yelled as his eyes frantically darted between the two detectives.

"Where's her phone?" Fin said as he began to dial Olivia's cell phone number.

"I don't know about no phone!"

Olivia's cell phone started ringing as Fin turned to Jose saying, "No?" He moved away from Amaro towards where the ringing came from, Fin rustled around on the bed and found the ringing phone. As Fin picked it up, he turned towards Jose, "What's this?"

"Dude, I-I had no idea he left that here. He, he said not to tell anyone that he was here. That guy's crazy!"

"When?" Amaro asked, as he looked straight at a scared Jose.

Uh, I, u-uh" He struggled to remember as Amaro's hand made contact with Jose's face. "Yesterday morning, early!"

"What time?" Nick pressed for more information.

"Really early, before breakfast!"

"What'd he want?" Fin asked, hoping that this would get a lead.

"A car!"

"You got a car?" Fin kept badgering Jose with questions, as Lewis' roommate continued to struggle with information.

"Y-yes, m-my aunt's Lincoln!"

"Where'd he go?" Fin asked again.

"I don't know, he asked how much gas was in it."

Amaro grabbed Jose's face, turning it towards him trying to get Jose to focus and screamed, "Where was he going?"

"I don't ask him that stuff, he was in a real rush! He didn't want to keep her waiting!"

"Her? Who?" Amaro asked, his hand pressing harder into Jose's lower jaw.

"That lawyer, the one who got him off." Jose said as Amaro looked towards Fin before finally letting him go, walking to court.

* * *

Vanessa had been in the middle of arraignment court defending a drug-addicted woman when Amanda came bursting in through the doors. The judge wasn't happy to have this kind of a disruption in her court room but Amanda continued to talk. "Your Honor, if we could. This is an urgent police matter."

The court room started to stir with whispering as to what was going on, the judge continued to glare at Amanda and Vanessa, exclaiming "Order!"

Disregarding the judge's plea, Amanda continued, "We need to question Counselor Mayer."

"We're in the middle of an arraignment." The judge said as she leaned over in her chair looking at the two women standing before her.

"I understand that -" Amanda said before Cragen walked through the door. "Captain Donald Cragen, SVU." He continued as he made his way to stand before the judge, "Your Honor, Counselor Mayer may have information about a suspect who's holding an NYPD Detective hostage."

The judge had reluctantly called a recess and Vanessa immediately stormed out, with Cragen and Amanda close behind. "Lewis was right, you do have a vendetta against him!"

"Counselor," Cragen cut in, not impressed with her excuses from the trial. "Your client, broke into Detective Benson's apartment two nights ago. Now, he either killed her or he's holding her captive."

"You're out of your mind! I just saw him."

"When?" Amanda asked as she looked at Cragen with wide eyes. "Where?"

"This is harassment, I don't have to answer your questions." Vanessa said as she began to walk away from the two Detectives.

Amanda quickly followed and stopped Vanessa, "Counselor, hey! Look," She said as Vanessa finally made eye contact with her as Amanda held up her phone to show Olivia's apartment, "These, these are pictures from that Detective's apartment."

"You have the wrong suspect!" Vanessa shouted as she looked at the pictures. "I was with him all day yesterday."

"Where?" Cragen asked as he stood beside Vanessa.

"We drove out to Long Island."

"In a Lincoln?" Cragen asked as he looked at the counselor in front of him.

Vanessa nodded her head, "Yes."

"He stole it, where'd you go?" Amanda asked quickly, pressing for more information.

"He said, he wanted to go to the beach," She paused, "to clear his head."

"Okay, so on this drive, did he – did he stop the car? Did he ever check the trunk?" Amanda threw out question after question as Vanessa just looked at her confused.

"No."

Cragen cut in, "We have reason to believe that Detective Benson was in that car."

"No, the car was empty!"

"Did you stop anywhere?" Amanda softly asked as she saw Vanessa clearly struggling with the new information she just learned.

"I had to get back to the city and," She paused, "before he dropped me at the train station, we stopped for dinner."

"Where?" Cragen asked, hoping for more of a lead as to where Olivia might be.

"At my parents house in Bellport."

Both Detectives paused and looked at each other before Cragen asked, "Were they there?"

* * *

All available officers reported to the home of Vanessa's parents where they had received information that Lewis might still possibly be there. Everyone knew it was a potentially dangerous situation but there was more of a need to find Olivia than anything else.

The Lincoln was sitting in the driveway of the house, Cragen told a Uni to check the trunk.

Meanwhile, Nick and Amanda had found a sliding glass porch door that was unlocked and they made their way into the house. Nick was the first to see the area and it looked like a disaster. Glass was broken, kitchen chairs were in various stages of disarray around the room, potted plants were broken on the floor – it was a mess.

"William Lewis!" Nick called out as he made his way into the kitchen, his gun pointed. "NYPD!"

Amanda wandered out into the living room where she found an elderly gentleman, bound, gagged and bloodied on the floor. "I got one!" She announced as she rushed over to try to find a pulse. "He's cold," she said as she looked up at Nick who had now made an appearance in the room. "He's been here awhile."

Nick looked down on the floor, "A blood trail," he said as he followed it upstairs.

Outside the apartment, Fin was searching inside the Lincoln for any sign that Olivia might have been inside. "Here's a bed spread," he announced as he pulled it from the car.

"That's a lot of blood," Cragen said as he looked at the blood-stained bed-spread Fin had found.

"Whoa," Fin gasped as he was still looking around in the trunk of the car, "Liv's necklace." He said as he held it up in the light so Cragen could get a good look at it. "Hidden by the spare tire, she left that for us."

"Okay, she was alive in the trunk." Cragen said to Fin before turning to the Uni's standing by, "Canvas every house on the block!"

CSU had opened the garage doors and much to the Detective's horror, one of the cars was missing. Cragen turned to Fin before giving him orders, "Call that lawyer-girlfriend and find out what her parents drive."

Upstairs, Amanda and Nick were still canvassing the house. When they got to the master bedroom and Nick saw the state of the room he said, "They must have spent some time here."

There were broken bottles of vodka that had been smashed, bloodstains all over the bed, pictures had fallen off the walls and shattered on the floor, cigarette trays were on the table and there was a chair beside the bed that had roped tied around it like someone had been restrained there.

Amanda backed up towards the closet as she heard a small sound, "Nick!" she exclaimed as she opened the door, revealing Vanessa's mother hanging, tied up and gagged. "Dear Lord," Amanda sighed as she quickly felt for any sign of a pulse. "She's alive! Help me get her down!" She backed away so Nick could catch the older woman as Amanda worked to untie her.

* * *

Amanda had been the first one to jump in the ambulance, Cragen had let her since she was the one who found this woman hanging by her wrists in the closet. Amanda knew she didn't have much time to waste so she got right to work with getting a statement from the victim.

"My daughter brought him," the victim began to say, "we all had supper together. He drove her to the train station." She paused as her voice started to shake, the paramedic scrambling to clean up the cuts on her face, "Then he came back."

"Can you tell me what happened after Lewis came back?" Amanda leaned over, looking at the battered woman before her. She desperately hoped she could get something out of this woman before she went unconscious.

"He held a gun on me," she said as she looked over to Amanda, "a-and he made me take off my clothes. He ma-oh God." she sighed as she realized what happened to her before she was tied up in the closet. "He made her watch while he raped me."

"This woman, did she say anything?" Amanda leaned closer, trying so hard to coax the information out of Vanessa's mother.

"No, she had duck tape on her mouth. H-he told her to keep her eyes open." She looked over at Amanda, "Any, time she tried to close them, h-he put a l-lit cigarette on me."

"Was this woman, was she with him when he left?"

"Detective!" The paramedic yelled.

"Sh-sh-she, sh-she," Vanessa's mother tried to talk but the exhaustion of the ordeal was setting in and she was slowly losing consciousness. "passed out."

"She was alive." Amanda said aloud to no one in particular. "Could you tell that she was alive?" She stood up, leaning over Vanessa's mother as she tried to get any last pieces of information out of her.

"You're done, Detective." The paramedic sitting behind the older woman told Amanda as he held his arm out, forcing Amanda to sit back down once again.

* * *

**Please please review!**

**I'll try to have Chapter 9 posted by tomorrow at some point. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**PLEASE please review! :)**

**Here's Chapter 9 - if you have any suggestions or anything, don't hesitate to say them!**

* * *

Back at the precinct, Munch had been designated to call all of the credit card companies that both Olivia and Vanessa's family used to see if any one of them had been used recently – none of them had. The highway department had been notified but the car hadn't been through any of the tolls entering and leaving the state of New York.

Kat had made her way down to the squad room, she was exhausted and emotionally drained. She just wanted her mother and no one was telling her any information about what was going on – it was like everyone was ignoring the fact she was standing right in front of them. Kat had asked a handful of the Uni's if they knew anything but no one had the decency to sit her down and explain everything.

She had heard Munch on the phone and walked up to him before yelling, "They still don't know where she is? What the hell are they doing?!"

Munch had taken both of his hands and wrapped them around Kat's shoulders, attempting to distance himself from any punches that she decided to throw. "We're doing everything we can to find her, Kat."

"You know what? I might as well go out there myself because you people aren't doing anything!" Her emotions were starting to get the best of her and she didn't care, she just wanted her mother back.

"It's been almost two days and she still isn't here, where is she?!" Kat demanded after Munch became silent, she just wanted answers. "For all I know, she could be dead!" Tears were streaming down Kat's face as she looked up at Munch.

"You can't think like that, Kat. Olivia is a survivor, she'll be okay."

"Yeah? How do you know that?" She paused, "You people haven't told me anything!"

Cragen had witnessed the altercation between Kat and Munch, he was not about to have it in his squad room. He was about to walk out of his office towards Kat and throw her out of the squad room until Amanda knocked on his office door.

"Is everything okay?" Amanda asked as she looked at her Captain.

"She needs to get out of my squad room," he said as he pointed to Kat who was clearly distraught.

"Captain, she needs to know what's going on."

"No, she doesn't need to get involved in this." He said as he shook his head.

"She already is! Her mother is missing and she knows nothing about what could be happening to her." Amanda was doing everything but yelling at her Captain, "She needs to know."

"Are you done?" Cragen asked Amanda who was shaking slightly in anger over the fact that no one was looking after Olivia's daughter.

Amanda nodded and Cragen spoke again, "We don't even know the full story, we can't get her worked up over the fact that Olivia might not come back."

"Isn't it better to let her know something rather than think her mother is dead and to think that we're avoiding her because we don't want her to know?" Amanda shouted, knowing that she would probably regret that later on.

Tension filled the room and Cragen stared Amanda down. Everyone's emotions were flying high, they were doing everything they could to find Olivia but Lewis was always one step ahead of them.

Amanda's voice cut through the silence in the room, "If you won't tell her, I will."

Cragen nodded and then shook his head, "I can't be the one to tell her, that's on you."

* * *

Amanda had to rip Kat away before she punched Munch or anyone else that came near her. She understood where Kat was coming from, she was stubborn and set in her ways. Amanda knew how protective Kat was of her mother and how Olivia was with her daughter, that's what she loved about the both of them.

Kat had reluctantly gone with Amanda, she didn't want to leave the precinct in case her mother magically showed up so the two decided on going to the cribs where they could be alone. Amanda had sat down on a bed first and patted the area next to her, motioning for Kat to sit down. "We need to talk, Kat." Amanda said after a few minutes of silence as Kat finally sat down on the cot.

Kat refused to make eye contact and her voice cracked as she said, "This is where you tell me my mother is dead, right?" Tears spilled over as Kat finally looked up at Amanda, her eyes were full of sympathy for the teenager sitting in front of her.

Amanda shook her head and softly said, "Kat, that's not what I'm going to tell you."

Kat sighed, "You're giving up, the case is cold, isn't it?"

Amanda moved herself closer to Kat whose walls were slowly crumbling down, "I'm not going to tell you that either, sweetheart." Amanda paused as she took Kat's hands in her own as a sign of comfort. "I know no one has really told you anything about what's happening, you must be pretty frustrated."

Kat nodded as her eyes once again made contact with Amanda's soothing blue eyes, there was something about them. Kat whispered, "I just want her to come back."

"We all do, Kat." Amanda smiled as she softly said, "That's why I'm going to be the one to tell you whatever you want to know, so ask away."

The teenager was shaking slightly as question after question flew through her mind, _"Who took her? Why? Who is he? Why does he want my mom? What's happened to her? Is she hurt?"_ After a few minutes of silence, Kat finally asked, "Who's Lewis?"

Amanda sighed at the thought of this sadistic man, "We picked him up about a week and a half ago on public lewdness but there was something about him that seemed off." She paused and wondered if she should really tell Kat all of this but who was Amanda to decide that? Amanda decided that Kat's trust was more important than anything so she continued, "He walked that same night only to rape and torture a 60 year old woman in her apartment for 19 hours." Kat had kept eye contact the whole time, her eyes widening at each piece of information Amanda had let loose, "We tried him in court and the judge declared a mistrial, his lawyer bailed him out that afternoon."

"S-so, what does my mom have to do with this?" Kat had asked, a little confused as she tried to piece together everything.

"Your mom went after him hard during interrogation. Lewis' lawyer fought that she had a vendetta against him."

"How did he know where we lived? How did he get in?" Kat asked hesitantly, not sure if she really wanted to know.

Amanda paused as she saw Kat visibly uncomfortable at the thought that her mother was abducted in their apartment, "We're not sure, he might have followed her or picked the lock."

Kat nodded as she bit her lip, trying so hard not to let any more tears fall. She was so sick of crying but the tears never seemed to stop. "I-is she okay? S-she's not h-hurt, is she?"

Amanda's heart melted for the teenager she considered as much of a daughter as a friend, their age difference wasn't all that big after all and they had become close over the years. "She most likely is, based on what CSU found in your apartment."

"What did he do to her?" She whispered, "Please, I need to know. Amanda, please."

"There's a good possibility that he pressed cigarettes to her skin, that he drugged her and forced her to drink vodka, that he cut her with a variety of sharp objects, that he tied her up and beat her as well as -" Amanda paused and sighed, "that he might have raped her, we don't know."

Kat could no longer hold her tears in any longer, as they spilled over, she managed to shakily say, "Sh-she knew h-he was dangerous, she c-called me."

"Kat, what do you mean she called you?" Amanda asked, "When did she call you?"

"On T-Tuesday, she cried to me on the phone s-saying that h-he might not get c-convicted." Kat sniffled as she tried to gather her emotions to an obviously clueless Amanda.

"Did she say anything else?"

Kat shook her head, "She knew, and I wasn't there to save her." She stood up, pacing the area in front of the cot. "I tried calling her when I was at Maggie's but she didn't pick up." Kat gasped as she realized that her voice-mail might have been the last thing Olivia heard. "Wh-what if she was de-depending on me to come home?" The tears started falling again as Kat was getting more and more worked up about the "what-ifs".

Amanda stood up and she made her way towards Kat, she wrapped her arms around the distraught teenager who tried to pull away. "Kat," Amanda said in the most soothing voice she could, "don't fight it."

After attempting to fight Amanda's embrace, the need for comfort won and Kat all but fell into Amanda as emotion overcame her. Amanda had sat back down on the cot, her back leaning against the wall as she held Kat who was sobbing in her arms. She ran her fingers through the teenager's long, brown hair trying to bring comfort to the girl who was falling apart with each passing minute that her mother wasn't there. Through her tears, Kat choked out, "I j-just want m-my mom, I-I just w-want her h-here."

"We're doing absolutely everything we can to find her, we won't stop until we know where she is." Amanda said as she tried to soothe Kat who looked like she was about to have a panic attack. "Sh, sh, sh, sh."

After a half hour of holding Kat and comforting her, the teenager had cried herself to sleep. Amanda didn't want to move and have Kat wake up but she knew that she should go down to the squad room to hopefully get some kind of an update for Kat when she woke up later on.

* * *

Nick was the first to see Amanda coming down the stairs from the crib, the front of her shirt soaked with Kat's tears. "How is she?"

"Not so good, she's barely coping with everything I told her."

Nick couldn't believe that Amanda had told Kat everything about Lewis, "What do you mean you told her everything? We don't even know what's happening with Liv."

Amanda immediately became defensive, like Nick had any right to question whether or not Kat deserved to know about her mother's kidnapping. "What did you expect me to do? Just leave her in the dark with this?" She glared at Nick, "Her mother is missing, no one knows where Liv is." She paused, "She thought Liv was dead, Nick. How was I supposed to let her keep thinking that?"

Nick kept looking at Amanda while thinking about what was just said, "Where is she now?"

Amanda sighed as she looked at Nick, "Upstairs in the crib, she cried herself to sleep."

"She needs to go home, she can't keep hanging around here waiting on a miracle."

"Are you kidding me? A miracle?" Amanda angrily shouted, "She's seventeen, Liv is the only blood-related family she has. She needs to hold on to something, if it's the fact that Liv could be alive, let her."

Nick felt bad for what he had said and immediately tried taking it back, "Look, I-I didn't mean it that way." He paused, "No one has slept around here since Lewis took her, it's been non-stop chaos."

Amanda rolled her eyes, "I don't need an apology, especially one coming from you." She paused as she saw Cragen motioning for her to come in his office. "I shouldn't be the only person looking out for Kat right now, you of all people should know that."

She had made her way into Cragen's office, sitting down in the chair. "Take the rest of the night off," he paused, "take Kat with you, I'll call you if anything new comes up."

* * *

Amanda had made her way back up to the cribs to get Kat and take her home but much to her surprise, Kat was already awake. "Hey there," Amanda said as she looked at an exhausted Kat.

Kat only looked up when she heard Amanda speak, she was too tired to make small talk at this point.

"Have you been up for long?"

Kat shook her head, "About 10 minutes, I was just going to come look for you."

Amanda motioned for Kat to come with her, "Come on, we're leaving."

"W-hat?" A confused Kat looked at Amanda, "Wh-where?"

"You're coming home with me for the night, I'm not leaving you by yourself."

"N-no, it's okay, really. I'll be fine." Kat didn't want to impose on Amanda, especially if she wanted to work on the case more.

"Cragen sent the both of us home, he said he'll arrest us if we give him any trouble." Amanda joked as she tried to lighten the mood./p

Kat smiled as she got up and followed Amanda out of the precinct and into her car. Amanda lived fairly close to the 1-6 so it was more like a 5 minute drive down the street. Before they knew it, they arrived at Amanda's apartment – Kat was happy that it was such a short drive, she probably wouldn't have let Amanda take her home if the precinct was so far away.

"It's not much, but it gets the job done" She said as she opened the door and an excited Frannie greeted them both. Amanda hadn't been home much that week but she was thankful for her elderly neighbor who was more than happy to pop in and check on Frannie for her throughout the day.

Kat had been to Amanda's a few times before, it was usually when Olivia was there, except for the time when she had been shot and Amanda had looked after Kat for a few days. Amanda had always been there for the two of them, it was no different this time either.

"Are you hungry?" Amanda asked as she saw Kat sitting on the couch. "We could order Chinese, I know that's your favorite."

"No, I'm okay."

That answer wasn't good enough for Amanda, "Kat, you need to eat. It's not healthy if you refuse any type of food." She paused, cringing at how patronizing she sounded even though she was just looking out for Kat's best interests, "When was the last time you had anything?"

"I had a bagel on Tuesday night, I think." Kat reluctantly told Amanda, knowing that she would have to force herself to eat something.

"Well, Chinese it is then." Amanda said as she picked up the phone and ordered sweet and sour chicken for herself and General Tso's chicken for Kat.

Within the hour, their food had arrived and both women sat on the couch watching a mindless TV show in order to rest their minds from the past few days. Kat was picking around at her food, she had only eaten a few bites, not eating nearly enough as she should.

Amanda had been watching her pick at her food and said, "Look, I know you're not very hungry right now but maybe we can try again later?" She didn't want to force Kat to eat, she needed Kat to understand that all of this would be on her terms instead of the teenager thinking that Amanda was always on her back.

Kat knew that Amanda was just trying to be helpful, there was no animosity at all. She was happy that someone was looking out for her, rather than everyone ignoring her in the precinct because they didn't know what to say. If Amanda hadn't taken her home, Kat honestly wouldn't have known what to do – how would she if her apartment is currently a crime scene? She just hoped that her mother was doing alright and fighting harder than ever to come home.

* * *

**Please please please review!**

**I'll try to have Chapter 10 up tomorrow at some point! :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Please review! You people are the best! :)**

* * *

Lewis had been driving around in a black SUV for a few hours, it was night number two that Olivia had been missing and she was slowly losing hope that she would make it out alive after what had already happened to her.

Her whole body hurt, from the cigarette burns on her arms and chest to the cuts from the knife Lewis used on her to the countless other injuries that occurred and also for the ones she knew were coming for her. Lewis got off on the struggle and from dominating others, there was no way that she would walk out of this unharmed in some way.

Olivia was handcuffed to the side door, her arms held above her head as she was laying on the floor of the vehicle. It was so uncomfortable, the handcuffs had been digging into her wrists for the better part of the night. Her mouth had been duck-taped and it hurt to swallow from the alcohol she had been forced to drink earlier that night – just swallowing those pills Lewis gave her was excruciating, let alone swallowing her own saliva.

Lewis had opened the car door, Olivia's handcuffed hands were stretching out farther as Lewis opened the door wider. "Hey there," he said. "I'm back." Lewis had placed a brown paper bag on the seat, Olivia had looked up at him as she dreaded finding out what was in the bag. "I got some supplies. Were you resting? Whoopsy-daisy" He said as he pulled Olivia up from the floor and laid her on the back seat, "Atta girl."

Olivia managed a muffled whimper from the pain it caused her to move, let alone be thrown around by Lewis.

"There ya go, arms behind your back." Lewis said as he unlocked the handcuffs from the door and locked them again so Liv's arms were tied out of reach. "There we go." Lewis mumbled as he tightened the handcuffs around her wrists, Olivia let out another whimper as the cuffs dug into her already bruised wrists.

"I love hardware stores," Lewis smiled as he sat on the seat next to Olivia, facing her as he held the brown paper bag in his arms. "I got a tarp, some rope, extra duck-tape, some surprises for later." He grinned at Olivia who turned her head away from him. "And some drinks. How's that sound? Huh?" Olivia leaned her head to the side as Lewis asked, "If I take the tape off, will you be a good girl?"

Olivia nodded as she closed her eyes, she felt Lewis' hand on her face as he ripped the duck tape off rather roughly. "You thirsty, sweetheart?"

An exhausted Olivia nodded her head and whispered, "Yeah."

Lewis reached down beside Olivia and pulled out a brand new bottle of vodka. He twisted the cap off and Olivia grimaced knowing that she probably wouldn't be able to swallow the harsh liquid. She turned her head to the side as Lewis grabbed her jaw and said, "No, no, no, hey, you don't get to say no, anymore." He sighed, "Okay, alright." Lewis began to rustle through the paper bag, "You have some vodka, and I'll give you some water." He held up the bottle of vodka towards Olivia, "Okay." He shoved the bottle towards her mouth, forcing her to drink it. As Lewis tipped the bottle of vodka up higher, Olivia began to cough and spit up some of the liquid that was racing out of the bottle. "That's it, suck it down, suck it down." Lewis said as he coaxed Olivia to swallow. "Yeah, that's it, that's it. Swallow!" He leaned in towards Olivia's face as she was trying so hard not to throw up everything she just drank.

She began to cry as Lewis wiped his hand around her mouth, smearing the vodka around her chest and face. "Vicodin, the sleeping pills, they give you dry mouth right?" He laughed as he screwed the cap back on the bottle.

Olivia's mouth was so dry that she could barely speak above a whisper and even that was a struggle for her, "W-water." She managed to say as she saw Lewis start to unscrew the water bottle.

"I know I promised, I'm a man of my word. Like when I told you about that lady," Lewis held the bottle of water close to Olivia's mouth as she tried to lean her head forward attempting to get a sip. "And I told you what I was going to do to her. Right? I told her everything, and then I did everything that I said, didn't I? Huh?!" Lewis said as he grabbed Olivia's jaw and shook it, still holding the water in his hand. "Didn't I?!" Olivia finally nodded her head as she made eye contact with Lewis.

Instead of teasing her more with the open bottle of water, he let Olivia have a sip that she desperately needed. "Okay, that's enough." He said as he ripped the bottle away from her mouth. "I think we're gonna find it soon."

"Find what?" Olivia questioned.

"Someplace special."

Olivia sat up in the back seat as she looked straight at Lewis, she leaned forward trying to get another sip of water but before she could, he ripped it away from in front of her and poured it all out on the pavement outside of the car.

She whimpered as she saw him crumple up the water bottle, then shove it against her chest where he had burned her earlier. Lewis didn't hesitate as he promptly put the duck tape back on her mouth and roughly leaned in, kissing Olivia. "One move," he paused, "lights out. I'll do ya cold."

* * *

Back at the precinct, Kat sat at her mother's desk while listening to everything going on around her – there was nothing else for her to do, she was good at eavesdropping on things she maybe wasn't supposed to hear.

Kat had jumped up when she saw Cragen walk out of the elevator but Amanda had held her back avoiding a potential fight. "Let me go talk to him, okay?"

The teenager nodded as Amanda followed her Captain in his office. "Any new leads yet?"

"They're still searching. Our last witness we have, saw her alive."

"Was Liv okay?" Amanda asked, searching for something she was able to go and tell Kat.

"Compared to the witness? Yeah."

Amanda nodded at her Captain as she ushered herself out of his office and to the board room where Fin and Amaro were briefing everyone on Lewis' MO. Munch explained that Lewis doesn't pre-plan anything and that he's a savant.

Fin had cut in by saying that Lewis does follow certain patterns based on his previous attacks in various states. It was like a game of cat and mouse, Lewis toyed with his victim before moving to a safe house where he took his time.

In Kentucky, he offered his girlfriend's mother a ride in a supermarket parking lot before stopping at a hardware store where he picked up duck-tape, rope and a soddering iron as well as making stops along the way to pick up alcohol. Lewis would tie the victim up, force feed her alcohol and drugs, mainly pills before he would drive aimlessly around looking for an abandoned mobile home out of the view of the road. After Lewis worked her over, he leaves her for dead until a hunter finds her and takes her to a nearby hospital for treatment.

In Alabama, Lewis broke into an apartment of two roommates only to lock them up in the trunk of their car. He drove them to a fishing cabin in the woods, holds them there for three days while raping and torturing both girls. Lewis left them there tied up but they somehow managed to escape.

"So he lets them all live?" Nick asked, as he stood up from his desk.

"Not always," Munch says. He explained that his first lawyer girlfriend in Maryland, Lewis took her to a foreclosed house, holds her there for almost two days and leaves her for dead.

Fin looked up from his phone, "The good news is that the car hasn't been spotted at any bridges, tolls or ferries."

Everyone had figured out that Lewis was still in Long Island which was a good sign because he hadn't left the state of New York. Amanda had said that Lewis had told Vanessa that he wanted to clear his head and go to the beach.

Kat had overheard all of the conversation and jumped in, "Oh yeah, which beach? Hm?" She said as she bent down over the map of Long Island on the table in front of the squad. "North shore? South shore? The bay? Do you know how many beach houses there are on Long Island?"

* * *

Lewis had been driving the black SUV for what seemed like an eternity to Olivia. She desperately wanted to get out of the car but that wasn't up to her, she was at the mercy of Lewis.

He had been singing along to the radio for quite some time now, _"Every morning, every evening. Ain't we got fun? Not much money, oh but Honey, ain't we got fun?"_

Olivia was still laying on the floor of the backseat, cringing every time the car hit a bump and caused her more pain. Lewis had covered her up with a tarp a few miles back so that she couldn't be easily seen if someone were to stop them.

Lewis continued singing until he saw blue police lights flashing in his rear-view mirror. "Oh come on," he said as he stopped the car. He adjusted the tarp over Olivia, Lewis had planned just to say he was working construction if the officer asked.

"He's young, one move and he's dead." Lewis said as he turned his head so Olivia could hear him better. "Evening officer. There a problem?"

"Did you know you ran through a blinking red light back there?"

"Ohhh, I did?" Lewis sighed, playing the victim once again – a game he played all too well. "I looked both ways. Slow night, right?" He smiled at the officer, "I'm sorry, I really should know better."

"Well, can I see your license and registration?"

"Yeah, yep, of course. Registration in the glove box." Lewis unbuckled his seat belt as he reached into the glove box of the car, retrieving the registration papers. "It's my in-law's car. There it is." Lewis said as he handed the registration card to the officer who was standing right outside the driver's side window.

"Your license?"

"Yeah," Lewis said as he began rummaging through his pockets trying to look convincing. "Oh, I left the house in such a rush that I, must have left my wallet."

Olivia was nodding her head slowly and quietly as she gained more and more hope that she would be rescued by the young officer on patrol.

"Hey, what's that on the floor there?" The police officer positioned his flashlight so it illuminated the bottles of alcohol on the floor of the passenger seat. "You been drinking?"

"What? Oh, no. No officer." Lewis shook his head, the officer getting more and more suspicious.

"What do you got back there?" The officer shined his flashlight to the back seat where the tarp was covering Olivia, she was hoping that he would ask Lewis to step out of the vehicle so he would find her.

"Where?" Lewis said as he punched the officer in the throat and grabbed him by the neck, pulling his body halfway into the car. "I think your job here is done," Lewis pulled the trigger of the gun, instantly killing the young patrol officer and with that, Olivia's hope of being found was gone once again.

* * *

"Office Jimmy Hamilton, 3 months on the job, shot once in the head." Amaro briefed Cragen and Fin on the scene. "Lewis took his gun and badge."

"Anything in the vehicle?" Cragen asked as the three Detectives made their way over to the car.

"Traces of blood and hair, he had Liv on the floor in the backseat." Fin said as he opened one of the car doors.

"That's Hamilton's squad car?" Cragen asked.

"Lewis used it to pull over another driver, pistol-whipped her and her baby before locking them in the backseat of the squad car and driving off in the minivan with Liv." Nick said as he pointed to the young woman who was holding a baby as paramedics checked them both out.

"Hey, we got a watch out for a white minivan with Connecticut plates." Fin added as he looked over at Cragen, waiting for his next move.

"He'll ditch that as soon as he can." Cragen said, "Check the ground."

Nick cut in, "We've moved the grid search East and South, we're checking every home, foreclosed home, second home, even boats from here to the water's edge."

Cragen shouted to whoever was listening about their next assignments. "Alright, check gas stations, hardware stores – anywhere they could have stopped from here to Montauk."

* * *

**Please review!**

**I'll try to have chapter 11 up at some point tomorrow. Y'all have been so awesome with this story and your kind reviews! :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Here's Chapter 11 for ya, it was really hard to write for obvious reasons but I hope you like it.**

**Please review!**

* * *

Lewis had driven the minivan to a beach house that was boarded up for the colder months, it looked like no one had been there for a while based on the mail that was shoved into the mailbox.

He had grabbed Olivia out of the car, she was in rough shape for sure. She had a lot of trouble even walking, her legs felt like they weighed a ton each – probably from the alcohol and pills Lewis had kept forcing her to take. Lewis had wrapped his hand around her waist, practically dragging her into the house as he held the brown paper bag in his free arm.

They made their way to the closest bedroom door which happened to be on the first floor of the house, if it was any higher, Olivia wouldn't have made it up. Lewis didn't care if he was rough or gentle when guiding Olivia into the bedroom, she whimpered as her arm swung around making the handcuffs dig deeper into her wrists.

Lewis took two steps into the bedroom before throwing Olivia onto the bare mattress of an old iron frame bed. She cried out as her body screamed in agony of her injuries that she had already sustained at the hands of him. She rolled over onto her back as Lewis threw down the paper bag on a chair nearby. He picked up a roll of duck-tape, fiddling with the end, "I gotta lose the car. Won't take me that long at all."

He ripped a piece of duck-tape and smiled at Olivia who was laying on the bed, "You gonna miss me?" She whimpered again through the duck tape that made it hard for her to breathe, let alone talk. She just wanted someone to find her, she was slowly losing energy as each minute passed. "Hm?" Lewis said as he saw that she was looking towards the bathroom. "Of course, been a long time. All that vodka, right?" He stepped around the side of the bed, his gun in his right hand as he motioned for Olivia to get up. "Let's go."

She struggled as she tried to push herself up from the bed to stand. Her hands were tied behind her back making it that much more difficult to move, she hurt all over and she knew that she couldn't get up by herself. A smile came across Lewis' face as he saw Olivia struggling, "You need help? I can help you."

He threw the roll of tape against the wall as he lunged at Olivia, wrapping his arms around her torso and legs, roughly pulling her up from the bed. He pointed the gun at Olivia, right underneath her jaw as she mumbled and cried out underneath the duck-tape covering her mouth.

Once Olivia had gone to the bathroom, Lewis was beginning to get impatient with his latest victim. He had so much anger for the Detective who he believed was nothing short of obsessed with him. He wanted to break her, both physically and emotionally. It was driving him crazy to hold off any longer. Lewis threw Olivia back down on the bed once again and handcuffed her to the bed frame. He had brought out the rope and had tied her feet down to the foot of the bed so she was completely immobile.

Lewis smiled as Olivia had realized what was going to happen to her. He laughed at her immense sadness and said, "I've been waiting to do this for a while now, sweetheart." He began to fool around with his belt as he began to unbuckle it. Olivia was thrashing about on the bed doing whatever she could to try to get away, her yells were muffled by the piece of duck-tape that Lewis had promptly put back on.

He had ripped her pants off as she fought him every step of the way, she couldn't let herself be put through such a harrowing ordeal, one that she was all too familiar with in her line of work. Lewis had brought out a blindfold to put on Olivia, he wanted to traumatize her and to make this worse for her by not being able to see what was happening. The next thing she knew, she felt Lewis on top of her as he thrust himself inside of her. She had screamed and had done her best to yell "No" through the duck-tape but Lewis didn't care, he didn't take no for an answer. She had fought him hard but each time she struggled, he had cut her stomach with a knife that was nearby. If she had wanted to survive at all, she knew that she couldn't fight back and as much as it killed her to be vulnerable in front of another person, she stopped fighting hoping that he would get bored and stop.

It had been 45 minutes that Lewis had been on top of her until he finally stopped. She was relieved but it had been an incredibly painful experience. Lewis had put her pants back on as well as taking the blindfold away from her eyes saying that he was such a "gentleman" and that she should feel so lucky to have had this happen. All in all, he had cut her at least a dozen times in the 45 minutes she was at his mercy. She was bloody, bruised, sore and almost ready to give up as Lewis said, "Don't miss me too much, babe," as he walked out of the house to get rid of the car.

* * *

Olivia had been laying on the mattress, bloodied and in tears in the bedroom while she stared at the ceiling for probably an hour while Lewis had left to get rid of the mini-van. She had tried every which way to get our of her handcuffs but nothing was working. She even went so far as to try to break the iron bed frame that she was cuffed to but she had no such luck. Olivia wasn't one to get discouraged but this time was different, she wasn't in control of what was happening and Lewis had the ultimate power over whether or not she lived or died. It scared her that the next second she could be gone, without any explanation. She had tried to put her recent rape in the back of her mind for her own sanity, she couldn't think about it – she just had to survive.

Her mind zeroed in on Kat and how she must be feeling, she hoped to God that she didn't take it upon herself to go after Lewis on her own – the last thing Olivia wanted was to have Lewis hurt her child. For all Lewis knew, Olivia didn't have a daughter and that she lied in her apartment in order for him to let her go.

_A four year old Kat had wandered through the hallways of the DA's office looking for something to do, she gotten bored sitting in Casey Novak's office. She had spent the last two hours coloring at Casey's desk while Casey was talking to another attorney down the hall. Before she left, Casey had made Kat promise that she would stay put._

_Kat had passed a number of doors that belonged to judge's but they were all closed and locked, she knew because she tried opening each one to try to sneak a peak inside. As she continued wandering, she wasn't keeping track of which way she came from but that didn't matter, Kat thought of this walk as an adventure. She had come upon a door that was cracked open and in the office was Judge Petrovsky who was mid-conversation on the phone._

_The young child had plopped herself on the floor with a huge book that she had pulled off one of the shelves that was around her height. The book made a thud on the floor as Kat dragged it into her lap as she began to flip through the pages. When Judge Lena Petrovsky hung up the phone and saw a young child on the floor of her office, she was thoroughly confused – she didn't know anyone with a child this age that worked in her office._

_"Can I help you?" Petrovsky asked the young girl who immediately looked up at her with wide, brown eyes._

_"Your office is cool, it's way better than the one I was in. I was there all day!" Kat exclaimed as she smiled at the older woman._

_The Judge laughed as she then asked, "Well, whose office might that be?"_

_"Auntie Casey!" She giggled, "She lets me color at her desk sometimes, I make all kinds of pictures."_

_"How old are you, sweetheart?"_

_"I'm this many years old," Kat confidently said as she held up four fingers for Judge Donnelly to count. "I'm a big girl, Uncle Elliot tells me I am."_

_"Does he now?" Lena laughed as she asked Kat another question, "What's your name?"_

_"Katherine," She stated, matter of factly. "I don't really like being called that though."_

_"Well, what do you like to be called then?"_

_She giggled, "Kat, silly!"_

_"Of course!" Judge Petrovsky said as she played along with the young girl still sitting on the floor._

_Kat had gotten up from her seat as she dragged the heavy book behind her. She climbed right up into Petrovsky's lap and looked at her, "What do all these things say?" Kat asked as she pointed to all the words in the law book, way too advanced for a four year old to understand._

_"They talk about the law and what it means to break it or follow it." Judge Petrovsky did her best to speak in a way that Kat would be able to understand all the legal jargon in the book she so happily dragged over to read._

_"My mommy puts bad people away in jail, what do you do?"_

_"I help people like your mommy send the bad guys to jail." She said as Kat's face lit up at the thought that someone else was as cool as her mother. "Who's your mother, sweetheart?"_

_"Her name's Olivia, except I'm not supposed to call her that." Kat giggled as her face turned a little red, hoping that she wouldn't get in trouble._

_"Well, I happen to know your mother very well."_

_"You do?!" Kat clapped her hands together and smiled, excited at the fact that someone knew her mother._

_"I do, I also know Elliot and Captain Cragen, Fin and Munch too." Petrovsky stated as she saw how excited the young girl was getting._

_"You know Auntie Casey too?"_

_Judge Petrovsky nodded her head, "Does she know where you are, young lady?"_

_Just before Kat was going to answer her question, a frantic Casey and Olivia came running down the hall and into the open office._

_"Katherine Benson!" Olivia sternly said as she looked at her young daughter who had precariously placed herself on Judge Petrovsky's lap. "You can't just walk away without telling anyone where you're going, understand?"_

_The four year old nodded her head as she jumped off Judge Petrovsky's lap, "You're a nice lady." She made her way towards her mother who swiftly picked her up off the floor._

_"I'm sorry, Your Honor." Olivia started apologizing for Kat who probably interrupted something important._

_"Liv, it's okay. She's just like you, you know." Petrovsky smiled at the Detective who was holding her daughter who was the spitting image of Olivia, "She's welcome any time." She paused as she stepped closer to Kat, "That is, if she tells someone where she's going before she comes in, right Missy?"_

_Kat giggled as she buried her face in her mother's shoulder, "I promise!"_

Breaking her out of her zone-out session, Lewis had come back in the house and had seen that Olivia had tried to get away based on the supplies that had been knocked down and were now scattered all over the floor. He was drunk when he walked in and he looked at Olivia, "Well, look at you." He threw the can of beer on the floor, "You going somewhere?" He quickly punched her in the ribs and another hand hit her already bruised eye socket. "Not without me you're not." Lewis kneeled on the bed as he pressed his hand against the duck-tape covering Olivia's mouth, "I told you, I'd be right back!"

He ripped off the duck tape from her mouth and she finally had a chance to breathe a little better, she gasped for air. Lewis made his way to the head of the bed and he held Olivia's cuffed hands, "We'll tie you to the bed here, and here." He walked around the the foot of the bed and said, "We'll tie up your feet," he pulled Olivia's feet down to the foot of the bed as she cried out in pain.

Lewis was imagining what it would be like when his plan played out, he was clearly getting off on just the idea of it. Olivia lay horrified on the bed, listening to his every word. "You want me to burn your clothes off or cut them off?" He paused, "Scissors, need some scissors. Where's the scissors? There's gotta be some scissors around here, right?" Lewis was opening every drawer in the room trying to find a pair before he eventually found a seam cutter in the kitchen.

He kneeled down on the bed, the seam cutter in hand as Olivia was doing her best not to sob at the realization of what was going to most likely occur again. Lewis noticed and asked, "What's that look?" He paused as he stared Olivia down, "You feeling sad? Thinking about someone you're never going to see again? Mom? Dad? Boyfriend?" He ripped the duck tape off her legs with the seam cutter as he continued talking, "It's someone else?"

Lewis crawled over Olivia so he was sitting right next to her on the bed and smiled, "Someone you would give anything to see, just one more time. I'll just try to put them out of your mind, okay? If you won't make it out of here alive," Lewis teased as the seam cutter came dangerously close to Olivia's face and neck.

"You know what? You might want to keep me around," Olivia smiled slightly, doing her best to buy herself some more time before Lewis got started for the second time. "I know what ya like."

"Well, you've been holding out on me."

"Yes, but that's what you want, isn't it?" Olivia said as Lewis was now intrigued in the conversation, not realizing yet that it was just a defense tactic that Olivia had learned in the academy. "Hard to get? Have me begging for it? I know how to get you off."

"You do?" Lewis asked.

"Yeah, Kentucky, Alabama." She laughed, "I've seen all the photos, I probably know more details than you remember."

"Oh I doubt that." He shook his head as Olivia continued talking.

"I've seen a lot of things but I've never seen anything like this. You're not some punk."

"Don't try and play me now," Lewis said as he started to catch on to what Olivia was trying to do.

"No, I'm not playing you. No, 'cause I know you don't like that." She paused, "Those two girls in the cabin. You had one by her arm in the closet and you made her listen while you did the other one for two days. Did you – did you even sleep?"

He shot up from where he was sitting, "No!" He shouted as he held the gun and pointed it into her mouth. "You don't tell me what to do. Okay?" He paused, "Now you say,"

"I w-wanna l-live." She cried out as he held her jaw with his hand and the gun still aimed at her mouth. "I'll do anything. I'll do anything." She paused as she cried, tears streaming down her face, "Please, I'll do anything."

"Yep," He said, "Yes you will." He was about to unbuckle Olivia's pants before he heard a knock at the door that startled him.

Before Lewis could cover Olivia's mouth, she began to immediately scream for help with whatever energy she had left, hoping to God that she would be rescued.

It had been the maid, she had brought her daughter along to clean up the house before the owner's had come in for the following weekend. Lewis began speaking Spanish to the young girl, asking how old she was and how she was doing. The mother had been a little suspicious of the foreign guest in the house she was supposed to clean but before she knew it, Lewis had pulled them both inside and locked the door behind the two.

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**I'll try to have Chapter 12 up at some point tomorrow or the day after, don't forget to review! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Please please please review!**

**Thanks for being so patient with me as I write this story, y'all are the greatest! **

* * *

Across town, a tip had come in with the same vehicle that Lewis was last seen driving. Fin and Amaro had raced down to the house in order to secure the premises but also hoping that they would find Liv there safe and sound.

The call had come in from a middle-aged man who had just come home from work only to find a suspicious white mini-van in his driveway. He hadn't ventured inside because he had heard how dangerous Lewis was.

Fin and Nick had gone into the house with enforcements following quickly behind them, nobody knew what they were walking into. Nick was the first to speak, "William Lewis! Police!"

Fin called out, "Liv!" but heard no answer.

Both Detectives had split up and were wandering the house, securing the premises when Nick heard a faint noise coming from one of the bedrooms.

When he entered the room and pulled back the curtain, he found two teenagers making out. His gun was raised because he thought that Lewis was in the house and when the female teenager saw the police, she immediately yelled, "Don't shoot, don't shoot!"

Everyone was extremely disappointed that Liv wasn't anywhere in the house, they knew that with each passing minute she stayed missing, there was an even greater chance that she might not make it out of Lewis' hands.

* * *

Lewis walked back into the bedroom where Olivia was laying on the bed still handcuffed. "Hey, we gotta hurry." He said as he ripped the duck tape off of her mouth. "We have company. Maid showed up, with her five year old daughter." Lewis walked over towards the dresser across the room, "Sweet little Louisa."

Olivia was horrified that Lewis might have done something to the little girl and she couldn't help but ask, "What did you do?"

"Nothing, yet." Lewis smiled as he looked back over towards Olivia. "That little one, she's a cutie."

"Little girls, huh? Old ladies? What is it with you?" She paused, "You afraid of me?"

Lewis laughed at the accusation Olivia just made, "Oh no, sweetheart. I was just hoping we could take our time in between." He sighed and smiled, "Oh, it's coming baby. Don't you worry."

"You see, I profiled you – a tyrannical sadist who preys on the weak. I think you're afraid of me."

Lewis slammed the knife down on the dresser and angrily looked at Olivia as she continued talking, "I do."

"Do I look afraid to you?"

Olivia nodded, "I think you're afraid of me."

Lewis started to unbuckle his belt and said, "Let's get to the action."

He had lunged at Olivia once again as she flinched while she was still tied to the bed. Lewis was vicious as he tore off her clothes again, he shoved a cloth rag in her mouth so she couldn't scream. This time, Lewis didn't blindfold Olivia because he wanted her to see everything – he wanted her to remember his face for the rest of her life.

Lewis was fumbling around with his belt as he took of his clothes, smiling at Olivia the entire time. "You're going to scream out his name," he paused, "They always do." He had jumped on top of the bed as Olivia watched in horror, she was trapped.

He looked into her big, brown eyes that were wide in fear, "I want a struggle this time, sweetheart. You hear me?"

Olivia laid still on the bed, not fighting him, she couldn't give him the satisfaction of getting off on her struggle. For every minute that she didn't struggle, Lewis's fist would meet her ribs or her already bruised face. She was in agony, her strength was slowly slipping away as he was thrusting himself inside of her.

Her eyes were full of tears as they zeroed in on the ceiling as she tried to bring her mind anywhere but the beach house. Kat had been the first thing to pop into her mind as she remembered the time that she had first met her baby girl.

_She had been in labor going on 15 hours now and she was slowly losing it. Her hormones were all over the place, one minute she was happy and the next, she was in tears over how much her life was going to change._

_The one thing that was setting Olivia off the most was that her daughter's father wouldn't be in the picture. Mark had been so good to Olivia in the months they had been together but when she had found out she was pregnant, that's when Mark had conveniently decided to let it slip that he was already married with a family of his own. It crushed her to think that she was stupid enough not to see any of the red flags earlier in the relationship like how they never went to his place and the times they were together were always odd. But here she was, in her hospital room alone, having the baby they were supposed to love together._

_Her squad had been outside in the waiting room the entire night, taking shifts in case Olivia had wanted to see any of them. They knew it was incredibly hard for her to let others in while she was in such a vulnerable state, this was no exception. Elliot was just about going crazy, he wanted to be there for her so badly but he couldn't be the one to step in first, it had to be on Olivia's terms. Fin had tried to go in to her room earlier in the day but he was quickly ushered out when she began to yell out of frustration because of the situation she was in._

_The nurse had just come in to Olivia's room to check on her to see how her labor was progressing, this was becoming a routine the closer she got to delivering. Olivia had liked her, the nurse had been so sweet to her even though Olivia had thrown out some choice words during a few contractions the last time the nurse came in. Her name was Molly and she felt bad for the woman who she could see was in a tough situation. She had offered every time she came in if Olivia wanted her to get any of her squad in the waiting room to come in and each time, Olivia had refused._

_Olivia was in the middle of a pretty rough contraction, one of the more painful ones she had felt and she was struggling through it. She was laying on her side as she gripped the handle of the bed, gritting her teeth together as she tried her best to breathe through it. When the contraction had passed, the nurse had made her way over to Olivia whose eyes were teary and she was clearly in pain._

_"Just here to check on you again." The nurse smiled as Olivia looked at her and nodded. She sat down on the rolling chair at the end of the hospital bed as she checked how many centimeters Olivia was dilated. Olivia had started to softly cry as she tried to wipe the tears away from her face, the nurse noticed and said as she stood up, "You're about 8 centimeters now. Are you sure you don't want me to bring anyone in? Your squad has been asking about you and how you're doing."_

_Before Olivia could answer the nurse's question, another contraction tore through her body. The tears had long since spilled over as she groaned slightly at the pain she was in. She gritted her teeth and told the nurse through her tears, "El-Elliot, get h-him."_

_Molly had gone out to the waiting room as all the Detectives had looked at her, waiting for what she was going to say. She saw a man who was pacing the floor, he had paused when he saw her in the room. "How is she?" He immediately asked, "Is she okay?"_

_She nodded as all the members from the 1-6 took a collective sigh of relief as Molly looked over at Elliot, "She's asking for you."_

_Elliot almost tripped over himself as he quickly followed behind Molly into Liv's room. Olivia looked at Molly and nodded as she left, leaving Elliot and Olivia alone. It was silent for a few minutes as they both looked at each other before Olivia started to cry again, "I-I can't do this El."_

_He made his way over to her bed and sat down beside her, gently pulling Olivia into his arms as she cried. "Hey, hey, it's okay." He soothed, "Liv, if anyone can do this, it's you."_

_"It's too much, El." She sobbed, "It hurts, I'm exhausted."_

_"I know, Liv." He was doing his best to comfort her, Elliot knew she was exhausted but there was really nothing he could do except be there for her, "Molly said you were at 8 centimeters, you're so close."_

_She nodded as another contraction came, Olivia was so uncomfortable and no matter how much she had tried to prepare her body for them, nothing helped. She squeezed Elliot's hand tightly as he held her, she was attempting to breathe through it. "They're coming closer together," she said as the contraction finally passed._

_"You're that much closer to meeting your baby." He smiled as she shook her head._

_"What if I'm the world's worst mother?" She whispered, "What if I can't do this by myself? What if I'm just like my mother?"_

_"Liv," Elliot paused as he heard her doubting herself. "You're nothing like Serena, you can't think like that."_

_Elliot had been there for Olivia throughout her entire pregnancy, from checking up on her at home when she couldn't make it to work because of morning sickness to dropping off food that she was craving to even tagging along to ultrasounds. He knew he wasn't the father of her baby but because Olivia was his best friend and partner, he had to let her know that he was in for the long haul – that he would be there, no matter what._

_Once her contractions were coming about a minute apart, she made Elliot go get Molly and the doctor. She didn't want him to leave, she was so scared but he had to. He returned a few minutes later with Molly and Olivia's doctor while Olivia was on the verge of tears once again at the fear that was rushing through her body. "P-please check, I n-need to get this baby o-out."_

_She was finally 10 centimeters dilated and ready to push although she was scared out of her mind. Elliot was holding her hands as the doctor sat down in the chair at the foot of her bed and spoke, "Okay, Olivia. When you feel your next contraction, push, alright?"_

_She nodded as a few seconds later, she began pushing. It was incredibly painful and she was struggling, she knew that she still had a while before this was finally over but she had to keep it together. Olivia was squeezing Elliot's hand so hard he actually thought she was going to draw blood, "You're doing so good, Liv." He told her as he rubbed soothing circles on the back of her knuckles._

_The doctor looked at Olivia and spoke again, "I can see her head, this is going to be a little tougher but you're almost there. Push again."_

_She started to push and she groaned at the pain, tears were pricking at the corners of her eyes as she cried out, "Ple-ase, it hurts."_

_"Good! Her head is out," the doctor told Olivia, "Just a few more small pushes from here on out, okay?"_

_A few minutes later, Olivia was holding her baby girl in her arms. She rested her head back on her pillow as she heard the newborn's cries, she couldn't help but cry at how beautiful her daughter was. Elliot was the first to congratulate her, "You did so good, Liv. She's beautiful."_

_"What's this lucky girl's name?" Molly had asked so she could fill out the birth certificate._

_Olivia looked down at her daughter who was nestled comfortably in the hospital blanket before saying, "Kathryn Marie Benson."_

_She had been doubting herself the whole day about her ability to be a good mother but when Molly had placed her daughter in her arms, there was no doubting that she would go to the ends of the earth to protect her baby girl._

She didn't remember what brought her out of her zone out session while Lewis was on top of her but he was just about to finish when he said, "Are you enjoying this baby? Are you?"

Olivia said nothing, she was cringing inside until Lewis finally left her alone – redressing her once again. "There's a lot more where that came from," he said as he walked back over towards Olivia again. She didn't really know what was coming for her but the next thing she knew, Lewis took his fist and when it made contact with her face, everything went black.

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**Please please please review! I'll try to have Chapter 13 up soon. :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Please please review!**

**I'm heading to Minnesota for a few days so here's Chapter 13 for you all to read while I'm gone! I'll be back on Sunday night so I'll hopefully update some time on Monday.**

**You people are the best! :)**

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Lewis had left the house to go on a little stroll along the beach, he wasn't worried about being caught because there wasn't a soul for miles. He had tied up the maid and her daughter in the living room, which Olivia didn't know. When she finally regained consciousness, her head was pounding and she knew if she was going to attempt to get herself out of here, now would be the time to get herself together. She had been trying to break one of the iron rods in the head board of the bed for quite some time now, she wasn't getting anywhere and Olivia was getting weaker with each passing minute. _"Come on, Liv."_ she thought to herself, _"You have to get out of here. Pull yourself together."_ With that, she tried one last time to unscrew the rod and she was successful, now she just had to wait for Lewis to get back.

A half hour later, Lewis came waltzing in the bedroom. "The views here are killer," he smiled menacingly at Olivia, "it's a shame you're stuck in here." He began to describe the beaches to her as she waited for Lewis to walk closer to the bed so she could go after him. "The beaches go on for miles." He sat down on the bed and ran his fingers through her hair, "Save that view for someone special, yeah?"

She jumped up from the bed, holding the rod in her hands as she swung, the iron immediately making contact with Lewis' head. He stumbled on the floor, his hands holding his nose which was now bleeding. Looking up towards the dresser and seeing his gun, Lewis tried to lunge for it but Olivia quickly hit him with the rod once again. She threw it down on the ground and began to kick Lewis in order to try to subdue him.

The next thing Lewis knew, a gun was being pointed at his head, Olivia behind the trigger. "Don't move," she said as he was writhing in pain on the ground.

"Why?" He asked her, almost mocking her for trying to overpower him. Lewis stood up and tried lunging at Olivia once again, "What are you gonna do?"

Olivia wasn't playing games, she was in control again and she imitated a line she had heard Lewis use many times, "One move, lights out."

"Okay, alright. You wanna be in control for a little while, baby? I can play that." He smiled as blood was dripping down from his nose and onto his shirt.

She was pissed, she was so angry at what Lewis had done not only to her but to countless others along the way and the gun she was holding made contact with Lewis' face which sent him straight to the ground.

* * *

It had been four days since Kat had last seen her mother and it was tearing her apart every time that a Uni came in with no new information regarding Olivia.

Amanda had taken Kat under her wing, assuring her that they were doing everything they could to find Olivia as well as just being there for the teenager that was slowly crumbling down to nothing. It had been a rough few days for Kat, she had cried enough for a lifetime and yet the tears never seemed to stop. She was sure that if you could die from crying, she wouldn't be standing anymore. Kat couldn't even think of the last time that she had lost her mother, maybe it was the time when she was five and she got lost in one of the aisles at the grocery store.

Kat had heavily relied on Amanda during this entire ordeal, she didn't have anyone else she thought she could talk to about how she felt, especially since everyone in the squad room treated the teenager as if she was invisible. Amanda had even stepped up to bat for Kat on more than one occasion, she knew that the teenager had placed an incredible amount of trust in her and she couldn't blow it – not this time, not when there was a chance that Olivia might not come back.

That morning, Amanda had been making breakfast which was something she rarely did – not because she didn't want to but she was never home enough to be able to. It was early, Amanda had never been one to sleep in so she decided to attempt to brighten Kat's day a little bit by making pancakes that she knew were Kat's favorite. She had turned on the TV just to create a small amount of distraction from what she was doing but every few minutes, she heard a small sound that she didn't know where it was it coming from. Amanda had muted the TV and listened but heard nothing, she had checked the time and thought it might be a good idea to check on Kat.

As Amanda made her way down the hall to where Kat was sleeping, she heard the distinct sound of crying – she had worked SVU long enough to know what it sounded like. She knocked on the door and asked, "Kat, are you okay?"

When she heard no response and the continued sounds of crying, she thought it would be best if she asked, "Can I come in?" Again, no response so Amanda slowly opened the door and her heart melted at what she saw, Kat was sitting in the middle of the bed with her head in her hands, sobbing for a reason that Amanda didn't quite know yet. "Oh sweetheart," she softly said as she slowly sat down on the bed next to Kat.

Kat had practically jumped into Amanda's arms and clung tightly to her shirt as she continued sobbing. Amanda started running her fingers through the teenager's hair as she whispered soothing words to Kat who could barely choke out a sentence. Kat only hung on to Amanda tighter as she slowly started to calm down and get a hold of herself. "What happened, Kat?" Amanda broke the silence and asked.

"S-sh-she's d-dead, i-isn't she?" Kat shakily asked as tears still spilled over.

Amanda shook her head as she looked at a heartbroken Kat in her arms, "She's not dead, sweetheart. The last victim said she saw Olivia alive."

"That was two days ago," Kat whispered, "She's not coming back, is she?"

The blonde Detective didn't want to give Kat a sense of false hope but she couldn't cause her anymore pain, "Liv is okay, Kat. She could never let herself succumb to the hands of Lewis."

"How can you say that?" Kat asked, slightly angry, "You don't even know where she is, if she's even still on this Earth."

"We've been working on some new leads, we're right behind Lewis." Amanda sighed, "We're so close, sweetheart."

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you." Kat apologized at how she had acted earlier, her emotions were flying all over the place and she was having a hard time getting a grip on reality. There was a long pause where Amanda was still holding Kat before the teenager broke the silence in a shaky voice, "I just want her here."

* * *

Olivia was in the living room of the house with the maid and her daughter. The maid was so frantic and horrified as to what was happening with Lewis and seeing the battered woman standing in front of her. Olivia had asked a series of questions about their legal status and both the maid and her child were illegal. She had comforted the maid by saying that Lewis was a very bad man and that he's going to go away for a very long time so they had nothing to worry about.

She had put the fear of God in the poor maid after saying that if the police found out that they were in the house, they might take away Louisa. It was a struggle for Olivia to even usher them out of the house because of her injuries. She was exhausted and her mind was foggy from the pills and the alcohol that were slowly starting to wear off. A million thoughts were flying through her head that she was having a hard time deciphering what was happening around her.

Olivia was alone once again and she slowly ambled her way back to the bedroom where she found a mirror. As she got closer and saw her reflection staring back at her, she almost didn't recognize who she was. She had two nasty black eyes, cuts both big and small on her cheeks, chest and arms, cigarette burns littered her chest and arms, she was bruised and she knew it. It was incredibly frustrating for her to see herself as a victim, if she could even call herself that. Olivia was horrified at her appearance, how on Earth was she going to explain this to everyone? How was she going to let her own daughter see how broken she looked? She didn't mean to cry but when she looked up again and saw the tear stains on her face, she just got angry.

She turned around and saw Lewis who seemed to be unconscious, handcuffed to the bed. "Hey," she mumbled. "Hey, you." Olivia kicked his foot to see what he would do, if anything. "You're out cold, aren't ya." She walked around his lifeless body as she continued talking, "I haven't called anybody yet. I think I want you to suffer first." She paused as she bit her lip, recounting everything that he had done to her, "Maybe I could burn you, or cut you. Or I could use the blow torch." She slowly limped over to the dresser as she picked up the blow torch and lit it, holding it up in her face to get a good look at it. "But you might enjoy that too much," She shakily said as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. "S-see, you know what to do. Your whole life, you know what you want and you just do it."

"What I wanna do?" She paused as she looked at Lewis' body, "I wanna shoot you in the head, right now." Her weapon was drawn as she aimed it at Lewis. "Watch you bleed out, but maybe that's too easy."

"My old partner, he'd know what to do." Olivia had rarely ever talked about Elliot ever since the day she found out he turned his papers in. She was so broken up about it that she thought it was better just to keep everything locked away in her head. "He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He-would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face." She paused and tried to compose herself after mentioning her old partner who she had cared so deeply about, she would have done anything for him and he for her. "Maybe I should call him? Maybe I should get him, to use that metal bar on you? Huh?

Lewis had jumped at her as she crouched down on the floor and it shocked her to say the least, she wasn't expecting it. She quickly grabbed the gun as she pointed it to Lewis, he begged her to shoot him after having to listen to the saddest speech he had ever heard. He had began to mock her and her relationship with Elliot and Olivia was having none of it. She had told Lewis to stop talking a number of times now and Lewis said, "Or what? You gonna shoot me? You don't have it in you. You want to, but you can't, 'cause you're a nice girl."

"You don't know who you're dealing with."

"That old partner of yours, well he sounds very macho, doesn't he?" Lewis grinned as he sat up, leaning against the foot of the bed. "Must have been tough for you. All those long nights, alone in the car."

"You don't get to talk about him!"

"Did he ever do you? He did, didn't he?" Lewis smiled as Olivia walked around the bed. "You still want him, huh? I can hear it in your voice. You're all bottled up."

Lewis had asked Olivia about the countless victims she had talked to after they had endured the worst times of their lives and asked about her and what her father did to her mother. He was being so cruel to Olivia who was just trying to compose herself long enough so she didn't shoot Lewis. He gathered that talking about her father was off-limits so he began talking about his. Lewis' father had brought a prostitute into the home and they both got off, one after the other - "the best night of my life," Lewis recalled.

"Are you kidding me?" Olivia exclaimed, "Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?"

"Oh, no Honey. I think you missed the point." Lewis explained that his dad had took him to Dairy Queen after his sexual encounters with the prostitute and acted like nothing ever happened. "I know what I want, what about you?"

"I do, I know exactly what I want." She raised up her gun once again and pointed it at Lewis, "I want you dead. I want a bullet in your head. I want you in the ground. Nobody will miss you, nobody will mourn you."

Lewis wanted Olivia to shoot him, especially while she was angry because according to him, "It's going to feel so good."

She so badly wanted to shoot the son of a bitch but she wanted him to suffer after everything he put his victims through, she didn't want him to take the easy way out. As soon as she saw her reflection in the mirror again, all she could think of was her daughter. She couldn't go down for murder, she couldn't put her child through the trauma of having her mother not around. She just wanted to get out of this hell hole that she had been stuck in with Lewis.

"I knew it, you don't have the balls." Lewis said as he looked up at Olivia who was looking at the mirror.

All of these thoughts and Lewis' latest comments were enough to pick up the metal rod once again and start to hit him with it. Her anger had gotten the best of her and she so tired of trying to be the good man in the storm, she just wanted Lewis gone and she wanted to go home. She beat him until he fell unconscious and became silent, the only thing that could be heard was Olivia sobbing who had moved herself into the hallway, away from Lewis.

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**Please please don't forget to review! :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank y'all for being so patient with this story while I was gone! Minnesota was freezing but a ton of fun - made it back just in time to watch the Super Bowl and watch my favorite team, the Patriots win! **

**Anyways, here's Chapter 14 - please please review!**

**Side note: if you guys ever need anyone to talk to or even just to say hi, don't hesitate to message me - you people are the best! :)**

* * *

Liv had woken up on the floor of the hallway, she must have fallen asleep or passed out from exhaustion – she couldn't really tell. She knew she was in the beach house and that Lewis was in the next room but she had no idea what time it was or even the date – she had lost all track of time. Her mind was still incredibly foggy and she could barely put a string of coherent thoughts together, even attempting to stand up was a struggle for her.

By the time she had stood up, her head was pounding and her legs were shaking as she slowly made her way to the living room where she plopped herself down on the couch. She had remembered that Lewis had a phone that he haphazardly threw when they had first arrived at the house, luckily it was on the coffee table – if it was any farther, Olivia was sure she wouldn't be able to reach it.

She had shakily picked up the phone and leaned back on the couch, her ribs and her countless other injuries causing her immense pain. Olivia had turned the phone on and wracked her brain to try to remember Amaro's number. She thought to herself, em"Come on Liv, you need to remember. You have to get out of here, now."/em Her fingers pressed the numbers on the key-pad as she miraculously remembered the final four numbers of Amaro's cell. She brought the phone up to her ear as she leaned her head over, keeping the phone steady on her shoulder.

"Hello?" Nick promptly answered, he didn't even look at the number.

"N-nick?"

"Liv? Is that you?" Nick frantically asked as he waited for a response, hoping to God that it was his partner.

There was a long pause, "Y-yeah, i-it's m-me." she mumbled, her thoughts and speech clouded by the lingering effects of the alcohol.

"Where are you?" Nick asked as he grabbed TARU to trace the number so the squad could see where Lewis had brought Olivia.

"I-I don't k-know, the b-beach m-maybe?" She shakily told Nick as she put the phone down, her arm was too weak to hold anything up for any period of time.

"Liv, we're coming for you. Hang on!" Nick told Olivia who was obviously fading and she was fading fast. TARU had traced the address and the squad made a mad dash to their cars to save her.

* * *

Cragen, Nick, Fin and countless other Uni's all arrived wearing bulletproof vests at the beach house, the ambulances weren't far behind – God knows what state they were going to find Olivia in. Amanda had gotten a call from Nick about Olivia's whereabouts but she was instructed not to tell Kat anything until Liv was checked out at a hospital.

Nick was the first to step inside the house and what he saw shocked him. There was blood everywhere, broken glass, alcohol spilled on the floor, it smelled like burnt hair and flesh – his stomach lurched at the thought that his partner had endured such horrific things. Fin had followed close behind Nick, his gun had been pointed because neither of them had known where Lewis was and what he was doing – it never hurt to be over prepared in these situations, better to be safe than sorry.

Fin and Cragen had followed the hallway into the bedroom where they found a bloodied and unconscious Lewis who looked like he had gone toe to toe with the devil. Cragen had kicked Lewis' foot, he moaned but didn't wake – Cragen was thankful that Olivia had done whatever she had to do in order to save herself, he didn't want this son of a bitch alive for longer than he had to be.

Meanwhile, Nick had followed the blood trail into an adjoining bedroom where he found Olivia who was passed out in a reclining chair in the corner. She was in rough shape, her injuries were extensive and he didn't know if she was even going to recognize him, let alone be able to walk out of the house on her own. He knelt down beside the chair as he reached up and softly ran his hand against her cheek. She immediately woke up both confused and disoriented, she swatted Nick's hand away from her face, flinching at the contact that was made.

"Liv, shh...it's okay." Nick soothed as he tried to bring Olivia out of her confused state. "It's Nick, do you know where you are?"

She looked around and nodded as every memory came flooding back, her eyes became glassy as she was trying to hold in whatever dignity she had left. Nick turned around and looked at Cragen and Fin who had somber looks on their faces. Cragen stepped forward and said, "Liv, we're gonna get you out of here." He nodded at the paramedics who were about to walk in the room when Olivia shook her head and stopped them. "N-no, I'm f-fine, I-I can w-walk."

Olivia looked at Nick who was kneeling in front of her as he stood up, "I'll help you." He leaned over as he wrapped his right arm around her waist and his other holding her hand as he guided her so she was standing. She winced as his hand was pressing on her ribs she already knew were broken, "Sorry," he said as he moved his hand away so it was situated more on her hip. "You ready?"

She nodded as Cragen waved off the paramedics. Olivia was heavily leaning on Nick who was taking on ¾ of her body weight. He knew she wanted to preserve her dignity and her pride by walking out of the house on her own but in the state she was in, he knew she must have been in excruciating pain.

Fin had met them both on the porch and smiled sadly at Liv who looked like she went through hell and back, "He's still alive."

"I-I d-don't know h-how." She shakily replied as tears came to her eyes, she just wanted this nightmare to end.

Fin saw her visibly get upset and immediately reassured her, "You did what you had to do."

Nick helped Olivia navigate the short flight of stairs down to the waiting ambulance, the stretcher already out and ready. The last thing Olivia wanted to do was have everyone in the NYPD see her get into an ambulance but at this point, she was so exhausted that she didn't even care.

The paramedics both looked like they were barely 25, just what Olivia wanted, rookies who didn't know how to do their job. Nick had helped her sit down on the stretcher, Olivia's body had protested every move she made and she was having a hard time keeping it together with the amount of pain she was actually in. It was made even worse when her wrist had made contact with the metal bar of the stretcher and she immediately cried out in pain. She didn't even want to try to lean back and lie down on the stretcher, her ribs were killing her. Nick had held out his arm to give her leverage as she positioned herself in a more comfortable position, even though nothing really did anything to ease her pain.

Nick had received a water bottle from Fin and he saw how Olivia was eye-ing it. He had unscrewed the cap and held it out to her who gratefully accepted it, "Thanks.".

The paramedics were beginning to strap her into the stretcher and Olivia didn't protest at all, she wasn't even sure how she felt, there were so many emotions running through her body. She had already started to detach herself from the situation she was in. Olivia did, however, reach her good hand out to Nick who took it in his own and began rubbing small circles on the back of her knuckles. He felt incredibly guilty that she had endured one of the worst experiences of her life for four days and she was just now being taken to the hospital.

The ambulance had been moving incredibly slow down the winding roads of Long Island as Olivia and Nick had sat in silence. The paramedics had both been assessing her injuries and seeing what needed to be done first. An IV drip had been given to her but it wasn't an easy task to find a vein because Olivia was so dehydrated. The female paramedic had been cleaning the wounds on her head which made Olivia wince every time the alcohol swab made contact with the open wound. She gripped Nick's hand tighter as she squeezed her eyes shut as the pain was becoming too much for her to bear. Nick felt incredibly helpless at he sat next to his partner who was being poked and prodded by the paramedics. He could see that she was tensing up and her breathing had become more rapid, she was panicking.

Nick knew that the last thing Olivia wanted was more comfort that just holding hands, her panic would only increase. He moved himself so he was sitting on the stretcher near her hip as he continued to hold her hand and whispering soothing words to hopefully ease her stress. "Liv, it's okay. You're safe. It's over. He can't hurt you anymore."

* * *

Amanda had brought Kat back to the squad room that day, she couldn't leave the teenager alone, especially with the new information that she had learned earlier that morning. The squad room was still chaotic with Uni's who had been left behind while everyone else was at the beach house. Cragen, Nick and Fin were all en route to the hospital while Amanda had been keeping an eye on Kat who had been eerily quiet all morning.

She wished that she could just tell Kat that her mother was alive but without the knowledge of the extent of her injuries, she didn't want to give the teenager any false hope in case something happened. Amanda just wanted to take the pain and suffering away but until word from the guys had come through that Liv was okay, her hands were tied.

Kat had been sitting at her mother's desk reading a magazine, except she really wasn't reading – there were too many memories that were flooding back. One memory that wouldn't seem to leave her head was the time that Olivia had come home covered in blood and bruised after Cragen had sent her home.

_Kat was 15 and had been sitting at the kitchen table doing homework when her mother walked through the door. At first, Kat didn't look up but when she heard her mother scrambling to put her things down before Kat saw her appearance, that's when she knew something serious had happened._

_Olivia had a nasty black eye, her arm had been protectively held over her right side where 2 of her ribs were broken and there was blood stained on her shirt and pants. Her eyes were teary, she was in pain and was still reeling from the events that had happened that day at SVU._

_She had been canvassing the scene of a suspect's house, Nick had been in another area of the house. The both of them had been careful, they had assumed that no one was home but this time, they were wrong. They were looking for a man by the name of Frank Johnson, he had brutally assaulted and raped a woman a few nights before. Warner had run the DNA from the rape kit and it matched Frank's so Nick and Liv were going to pick him up to interrogate him._

_Liv walked into the master bedroom, her gun aimed in front of her for protection. She had heard a noise behind her but by the time she had turned around, a man had jumped on top of her. Her gun had been hit out of her hand as Frank immediately punched her in the face and kicked her three times in the ribs. He had grabbed her gun and aimed it at her as Frank kicked her once more in the ribs. She could barely get a sound out, he had knocked the wind out of her. She had managed to sit up and lean against the frame of the bed as she stared down the barrel of her gun. "Think about what you're doing here, Frank." She said as she made eye contact with him. "Is this really how you're going to do this?"_

_"Just shut up."_

_She began reaching for her ankle gun as discretely as she could. "Frank, I know you didn't do anything to that girl." She knew he was guilty but she needed to gain his trust so she could disarm him. "I trust you."_

_"Do you?" He yelled. "Is that why you're reaching for your ankle gun?" Frank held out his hand and she reluctantly passed it to him._

_Nick had heard the conversation between the two and was coming up behind Frank, he needed to remain quiet so nothing happened to Olivia but also so he could get a shot off if it came down to it._

_"We can get you a deal, Frank." Olivia said as Frank was starting to get angry._

_"Yeah?" He smiled, "I didn't even do anything."_

_"I'll talk to the DA myself. Frank, come on. Put the gun down."_

_"I'm sick and tired of the NYPD!" Frank had put his finger on the trigger, holding the gun closer to Olivia. Nick had been behind him and before Frank was able to shoot, Nick got the first shot off – straight to the heart. Olivia screamed as Frank's body fell on top of her, his blood quickly draining on to her clothes._

_Nick made her get checked out in a waiting ambulance, she was beaten up but there were no serious injuries – she'd just be sore for a while. He had helped her into the car as he drove her home, Nick knew that even though she wouldn't admit it, she wanted to go home to her daughter. Liv was incredibly stubborn when it came to certain things, she was constantly throwing out the "I'm fine."_

_When Kat had finally looked up from the homework she was doing and saw her mother standing at the door, her mouth dropped open. Both of them stood frozen in their places, not knowing what the other was going to say – it was too much for both mother and daughter to comprehend. Olivia didn't want Kat to see her like this and Kat didn't know if the blood on her mother's shirt was actually hers, she didn't know what to think._

_Kat was the first to speak, her voice cracked at how scared she was at her mother's appearance, "M-mom?" Her eyes darting from the blood stain to Olivia's black eye and how she was cradling her ribs, "W-what happened?"_

_Olivia didn't even know what to tell her daughter, what was she supposed to say? Oh hi, Honey. I almost got shot in the head today? She was tired, she wanted to take a shower to get the events of the day off of her body and she needed pain killers. The only thing that came out of Olivia's mouth when she did speak was, "Shower," before she slowly made her way into her bedroom, shutting herself away from the world to gather herself._

_Kat had gotten up from her seat at the table and had gone into the kitchen, reaching above the fridge to get the container of Advil – she knew her mother desperately needed it. She was going to get a snack together for Olivia when she heard the shower water stop, Kat had just poured some Goldfish into a bowl and headed into her mother's bedroom._

_Olivia knew that Kat was going to be waiting outside, she wished she wasn't but Kat had a special way about her – she always knew when her mother needed her and this was one of those times. She had emerged from the bathroom wearing grey sweatpants and a light blue v-neck shirt. Olivia was moving incredibly slowly, the stabbing pain in her ribs wasn't getting any better and she was grateful to see Kat holding out the container of Advil. She genuinely smiled at her daughter, "Thank you."_

_She sat down on the bed, wincing as the sudden movement caused a sharp pain to go through her torso. Olivia slowly leaned back on the pillows that were situated by the head board, her arm held protectively over her ribs. Kat was sitting on the bed facing her mother, trying to make sense of everything but not really wanting to rip the band-aid off, especially if her mother didn't want her to know. Kat thought she'd try anyways, it wouldn't hurt, "What happened?"_

_Olivia closed her eyes and sighed, figuring that Kat wouldn't give it up if she never said anything and walked around as bruised as she was. "I was canvassing a house with Nick and the suspect came at me from behind."_

_"He did a lot more than just come at you, Mom." Kat said, she knew her mom was trying to lessen the gravity of what had happened earlier that day._

_She opened her eyes as she continued speaking, "He grabbed my gun and held it on me -"_

_Before Olivia could say anything more, Kat immediately cut in, "He did what?! Mom!" Her eyes had started to water as she realized that her mom almost died._

_"Slow down, sweetheart." Olivia soothed as she reached her arm out motioning for Kat to lay with her. The teenager hesitated at first but slowly made her way into her mother's embrace, being careful not to cause her any more pain. Olivia winced slightly as she adjusted herself as her daughter leaned against her, "Before he held my gun on me, he had punched me in the eye and kicked me three times in the ribs while I struggled to get my gun on the floor." She paused as her daughter was looking up with her in horror at the information she was receiving about her mother, "He kicked me a fourth time and when he was about to shoot, Nick got to him first – once in the heart."_

_"So that blood, wasn't yours?" Kat had asked, waiting for an answer._

_Olivia shook her head, "No, it was his. He fell on top of me when Nick shot him."_

_Kat surveyed Olivia's eye that was slightly swollen and very bruised, "Does it hurt?"_

_"A little," Olivia sighed as she lifted up the right side of her shirt exposing her ribs, "these hurt the most."_

_Kat sat up and looked, Olivia's skin was covered with the deepest shade of purple Kat had ever seen, there was barely a patch of unbruised skin on her right side. The teenager gasped, "God Mom, he did a number on you."_

_"Paramedic said that 3 of them are broken." Olivia said as she saw her daughter hesitate, "Kat, I promise I'm okay, really." She genuinely smiled, "It's just bruises, I'll survive."_

Amanda had been saying Kat's name going on five times now, she didn't really know what was going on with the teenager – she had been in sort of a fog all morning. The blonde Detective had gotten a call from Fin who had said that Olivia was on her way to the hospital and that she was in rough shape, that's all he knew. Amanda had thought long and hard about whether or not to tell Kat, she had been advised not to by a few members of the 1-6 but she couldn't bear to see Kat mope around the way she has been.

Finally breaking out of her daze Kat said, "Sorry, what?"

"Come with me," Amanda said as she started walking towards one of the interrogation rooms. She wanted to tell Kat in a more private room without the prying eyes of Uni's, this was the next best thing to actually driving to the hospital to see Olivia.

Kat was confused, she didn't really know what was going on except for the fact that she was now sitting in the interrogation room with Amanda beside her. "What's going on?"

Amanda paused, looking into Kat's eyes before saying, "We found her, we found your mom."

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**Please please please review!**

**I'll try to have Chapter 15 up soon. As always, thanks for loving this story as much as I do! :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**First off, today was a good day because SVU got renewed for a 17th season!**

**Second, I'm going to Europe for 3 months, I'm studying abroad in Ireland - I leave next Thursday. HOWEVER, I'm not abandoning this story, I'll post once a week considering I've done a lot of writing lately. I couldn't just walk away from this story after all of your sweet reviews and love for this - y'all are the best!**

**Third, please please please review!**

**And fourth, should you feel the need to follow my escapades on Twitter, have at it: fearLIZness17 **

* * *

Kat was speechless, she didn't know what to say. There were a million thoughts running through her head, _"Is she okay? Is she alive? How badly is she injured? Is Lewis alive? Can I see her? Does she even want to see me?"_

Amanda spoke again, smiling at the teenager who was sitting before her, "Kat, it's over. She's going to be okay."

Tears formed in Kat's eyes as it finally hit her that her mother was alive, that she had made it through probably the worst experience of her entire life. She broke down with her head in her hands as Amanda wrapped her arms around Kat. She started to run her fingers through the teenager's hair as she comforted her as best she could, "I know, I know. He can't hurt her anymore, it's okay."

As Kat was trying to pull herself together, she whispered, "C-can I see her?" She hesitated to ask, not knowing the response.

"We'll be in the waiting room for a pretty long time, while she gets looked at. That okay?"

Kat nodded, she just wanted to be close to her mother in case she miraculously wanted her daughter's affection amidst the chaos her life was now. "Yeah, that's fine."

* * *

By the time Olivia had made it to the hospital, doctors were already assessing her injuries. Her mind was foggy, her eyes were blinded by the lights in the room and it made her head pound even more than it already was. She could hear the doctors chattering around her, _"She has to be sedated, she needs a rape kit, we need to get that stitched up, she's bleeding, her ribs are broken, her wrist is fractured, she's burned, her ankle is sprained, her eye socket is most likely broken, there's barely an inch of unbruised skin on her body, she has a concussion, she's in shock."_ it never seemed to stop. Olivia had been doing her best to detach herself from the exam room she was lying in but whatever she tried, didn't work. It was physically and emotionally painful for her to be this aware of her surroundings – she could still feel Lewis on her skin and it caused her to panic.

A nurse had stepped in and sat by Olivia, she couldn't have been more than 25. She started to try to get Olivia's attention and get her to calm down a little, "Ms. Benson, can you hear me?" The nurse's name was Meredith and she didn't want to tell Olivia that she couldn't be sedated because of the high content of alcohol and drugs that were flowing through her system but someone had to be there for her so she didn't panic even more. "You're safe, it's okay."

Olivia's eyes darted every which way around the room, her breathing was rapid and she was on the verge of a panic attack, from the doctors coming in and out to the bright lights to the door where she desperately wished she could walk out of. Meredith started again, "It's okay, you're going to be okay. Can you look at me?"

As Olivia's eyes slowly made their way to Meredith, her breathing began to slow slightly as the nurse softly spoke again, "Good, can you take a deep breath with me?" They both did three deep breaths and Olivia seemed to be a bit calmer. Meredith smiled warmly at her and said, "You gave us quite the scare earlier. Can you tell me where you are right now?"

"M-mercy Hospital." Olivia mumbled, she remembered everything that had happened and it killed her.

"That's right," Meredith nodded. "We've bandaged you up a little bit so far, we haven't been able to stitch anything because your blood alcohol content is still too high." She paused, letting Olivia catch up on the information she was receiving, "As it lowers, that's when we'll be able to make you a little bit more comfortable and assess your injuries further."

Olivia took in all the information but it went in one ear and out the other, her mind was elsewhere and she was avoiding what she knew the nurse was going to ask her.

"We've noticed a lot of bruising on your inner thighs as well as some blood." Meredith softly said as she watched Olivia retreat into herself, "You're going to need a rape kit, am I right?"

Her eyes immediately became glassy with tears as they avoided Meredith's gaze, Olivia had never wanted to become the victim – it made her stomach lurch at the thought of it. As her eyes finally made contact with the nurse, she shakily replied, "R-right."

* * *

Kat had practically sprinted into the waiting room, Amanda was following close behind as Fin, Nick and Cragen were already seated, waiting for word on Olivia's condition. Kat immediately looked at Cragen and asked, "Where is she? Where's my mother?"

Cragen motioned for her to sit down in the open seat next to him, "Sit."

She reluctantly sat down as she looked at Cragen who looked like a wreck. Kat knew that he thought of Olivia like his own daughter and how protective he was over not only both Benson's but the entire squad. Cragen smiled sadly at Kat and began to speak, "She's still with the doctor's getting checked out, that's all we know right now."

"Please, I need to see her." Kat began to speak as she blinked back her tears, "I need to know she's okay."

Amanda crouched down in front of Kat's chair she was sitting in, taking the teenager's hands in her own as she began to say, "Sweetheart, when the doctors are finished, they'll tell us." She squeezed Kat's hands slightly and continued, "We'll wait here until we know something and then we can go from there, okay?"

Kat nodded as she wiped the last remaining tears from her eyes. It was so hard knowing that her mother was in the same building as she was yet she couldn't see her, let her know that everything would be okay and just be there for the one person Kat would do absolutely anything for. Every time a doctor walked by the waiting room, her eyes would follow them until they walked out of her sight. She was going crazy with each passing minute that she didn't know how her mother was doing.

Fin and Nick had gone to one of the vending machines down the hall to get something for Kat to eat, they knew it was going to be a struggle but they had to make sure that she was taking care of herself. They came back a few moments later with a package of Goldfish, a bag of chips and a Gatorade. Nick passed them to the teenager who had zoned out in the chair, "You need to eat something, Kat."

The teenager shook her head, "Not hungry, really." She didn't want to eat anything, her stomach was in knots.

Nick pressed again, "Kat, for your mother?"

Kat took the snacks reluctantly as she nibbled on a few Goldfish. She was praying that it didn't come back up later on from her nerves and the fear that was running through her body. The teenager was exhausted and she had been fighting to keep her eyes open for a while now. Amanda had given Kat her winter jacket to use as a pillow while Fin had given her his police jacket to use as a blanket.

Once the teenager had fallen asleep, the Detectives sat in silence for a few moments before Amanda had been the first one to speak, "How is she?"

"Liv?" Cragen questioned, he didn't really want to relive seeing one of his best detectives so injured but he knew this wasn't going to be the last time he would have to talk about it.

Amanda nodded, "Y-yeah, you guys all saw her. Is she, you know, okay?"

"She was in rough shape when we pulled her out of the house," Nick said as he looked up from where he was sitting, "Lewis really did a number on her."

Amanda looked over at Kat who was asleep, "She's going to want to know something when she wakes up," She looked at the guys and continued, "Whether one of you tells her about what you saw or we wait until the doctor comes out."

45 minutes had passed and Kat had been up for barely ten before a doctor finally made an appearance in the door. Everyone's eyes immediately looked up at the doctor who made his way into the waiting room. He cleared his throat and asked, "I need Ms. Benson's next of kin."

Cragen stood up, as did Fin, Nick and Amanda. He replied, "That would be us."

Kat knew she wasn't her mother's next of kin, being her daughter meant nothing in this situation and she let the squad go with the doctor down the hall to talk more privately.

Fin was the first to ask, "How is she?"

The doctor's eyes looked straight at Fin before looking at the other 3 Detectives before replying, "She's in rough shape. Her wrist is fractured, she has varying degrees of burns on her chest and arms, practically all of her ribs are broken or fractured, she has a pretty severe concussion, she has deep lacerations on her wrists presumably from handcuffs, her ankle is sprained, her eye socket is broken, she has a few deep lacerations on her stomach as well as her arms and face, and almost every inch of her body is bruised in some degree."

With every word the doctor spoke, all of the Detective's hearts broke. Olivia was the backbone of the squad, they couldn't imagine how she looked let alone how she was feeling. Even though no one said anything, they were all feeling incredibly guilty that Lewis had gotten to her. They would have done anything to have been able to prevent this from happening but this wasn't a perfect world, working in SVU never was.

The doctor continued, "Her blood alcohol content was still too high as of about thirty minutes ago so we haven't been able to stitch Ms. Benson up quite yet. We've been able to keep her pain level relatively low so far but she is still in some discomfort."

Amanda had been wiping away at her tears while the guys were trying hard not to cry themselves, it was a lot of information to digest and the doctor still wasn't done explaining Olivia's current condition.

"There was also quite a lot of bruising on her thighs that is consistent with sexual assault, possibly -" Before the doctor could finish, Amanda quietly whispered, "rape."

"We're going to have to do a rape kit, but for now, we wanted to update you on how everything was going so far."

Nick asked, "Will we be able to see her?"

The doctor nodded, "Myself or a nurse will be out later today with another update and hopefully by then, we'll be able to give the okay for visitors." He paused and looked at the sullen faces on each of the Detectives standing before him, "I'll let Ms. Benson know that you're all here for her."

Once the doctor had gone back to Olivia, Fin looked at Amanda who was trying to wipe the last remaining tears away and said, "I'll help you tell Kat, she should know what's going on with Liv."

"I'll help too," Nick jumped in and Cragen nodded his approval that he would help as well.

* * *

Kat had been incredibly nervous during the time that she was left alone in the waiting room. She had paced the floor, flipped through a dozen magazines and yet nothing seemed to calm her down. She didn't want to have to be sedated from having a panic attack but her emotions were flying all over the place and she was having a hard time keeping it together.

All of the detectives had seated themselves around Kat, who they all thought of as their own daughter from the amount of time they had spent together over the years. No one wanted to see her going through this at seventeen but everyone was just trying to get a grip on the situation they were now all faced with. Amanda took Kat's hands in her own as a comfort as the teenager had noticed Amanda's slightly red eyes, "You've been crying, is she okay? What did the doctor say? Is everything alright?"

Fin was the first one to speak, "Liv is in rough shape, Kat. Lewis really did a number on her."

Kat nodded as Nick was the next one to cut in, "Her injuries are extensive, she's in a lot of pain right now."

"The majority of her ribs are broken or fractured, her ankle is sprained, she's got a pretty bad concussion, lacerations on her wrists as well as her stomach, arms and face -" Amanda paused as Cragen began to speak next, "Her eye socket is broken, her wrist is fractured, varying degrees of burns on her chest and arms, there's barely an inch of unbruised skin on her body."

Before Fin, Nick, Amanda and Cragen had come back into the waiting room, they had all decided to not tell Kat that Olivia had been raped. If the teenager had brought it up, then they would have to answer it but if she didn't, they would leave it up to Olivia.

By now, the teenager had been reduced to tears at how badly her mother had been injured. She couldn't imagine how Olivia must be feeling or how much pain she must have been in. "I-I n-need to s-see her, please." Kat had practically begged the Detectives to take her to see Olivia but their hands were tied so now all they could do was wait.

* * *

**Please please review!**

**I'll update some time next week - catch y'all on the flip side! :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Well hello friends! **

**First order of business: I made it to Ireland safe and sound, it was a super long day of plane rides but once we finally landed, everything was great! The town I'm in is absolutely amazing and the people here are so lovely. I also had my first pint of Irish beer in a pub earlier, it was grand! **

**Second order of business: Since it's been over a week since I've last updated (I apologize), I decided to do it tonight - it just seemed fitting!**

**Third, should you feel the need or want to follow my escapades in Ireland and with SVU, my twitter is: fearLIZness17 - I promise I don't bite! :)**

* * *

Olivia had been staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours even though it had only been 45 minutes, she was trying so hard not to think of the pain she was in. It was torture for her to lay in the hospital bed with her injuries exposed to the world because there was still so much alcohol and pills left in her system.

She was brought out of her fog by Meredith that had walked into the room. She had walked over to Olivia's bed and Meredith slowly sat down making sure not to startle her, "How about we get you stitched up?"

Olivia was grateful to whoever was listening that her pain would lessen with whatever medicine the doctors would give her. She was having a hard time coping and she was ready to move on to the next step. She nodded at Meredith who had now gotten situated with the kit.

Meredith gave a warm smile to Olivia who was trying not to cry already and said, "This won't hurt too much, just a bit of pressure. Okay?" She waited for Olivia to give her approval before she began with stitching up the laceration on her forehead first.

Olivia winced at the contact of the needle but had calmed once Meredith began talking, "I know, I'm sorry. I don't want to cause you anymore pain."

"I-it's okay," Olivia shakily said. "You're not d-doing this on purpose."

Once Meredith had finished stitching up Olivia's forehead, she moved on to the deep lacerations on Olivia's chest. She was in pain and she couldn't hide her tears anymore, they began to spill over. Her hands couldn't quite keep up with the tears that were slipping down her face already.

Meredith looked at Olivia with a sympathetic look on her face and asked, "Do you want a break?"

Olivia shook her head, "N-no. Just keep going, please."

"Are you sure? I can stop, if you want to. It's up to you."

She shook her head again adamantly and said, "J-just talk t-to me, anything."

Meredith nodded and continued stitching up Olivia's chest, "It's a beautiful day outside, I thought the rain wasn't going to clear but it stopped about an hour ago." She made her way to one of the cuts on Olivia's arms and began to stitch up the deeper cut. "You know, you're a hero."

"W-what are you talking about?"

"For everything, you should see how many people are camped outside this hospital." Meredith replied, sometimes she didn't have a filter but in this case, she was just trying to give Olivia a little bit of a self-esteem boost. "Your squad's been in the waiting room all day, they're pretty worried about you."

Olivia nodded, "Y-yeah, they're a force to be reckoned with sometimes."

"They're only looking out for you, you know." Meredith was in the process of stitching up one of the last cuts on Olivia's arm, it was one of the larger cuts so Meredith was glad that Olivia was up to talking in order to keep her mind off of the pain. "There was a younger girl with them too, about seventeen? I swear she looks just like you."

Olivia knew that Kat would be in the hospital somewhere, she knew that her daughter would refuse to leave until she saw her mother – she was so stubborn when it came to things like this, it was in the Benson blood. Olivia craved familiarity with the faces of her squad and more importantly her daughter but she couldn't bring herself to see them, she needed to get a grip on herself first. Meredith saw how Olivia had gone quiet and she didn't want to pry but she asked, "Is she your daughter?"

She nodded as her lip began to quiver at the mention of Kat. Meredith had since been done with giving stitches but she kept Olivia talking by saying, "I can pull a few strings and get her in here for you, if you want?"

"No, no, no." Her heart rate began to speed up as her breathing became rapid and shaky, Olivia was panicking.

Meredith quickly jumped in and began to try to calm Olivia down, "Hey, hey, it's okay. She won't come in, it's alright. We'll do this on your terms, yeah?"

She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and nodded at a nervous looking Meredith, Olivia knew she could trust the nurse to keep her word. In a way, Meredith reminded Olivia of Kat which calmed her in situations where her anxiety peaked.

* * *

Kat had gone with Fin and Cragen to the cafeteria in the basement of the hospital. She had managed to come up with some sort of an appetite with the new information about her mother but it still scared her to death that she still wasn't able to see Olivia.

Meanwhile, Meredith was in the process of getting Olivia prepped for the rape kit that needed to get done. It was a touchy topic with Olivia, Meredith could see that she was getting anxious and panicky with each passing minute. The nurse didn't want Olivia to have a full blown panic attack but she had insisted that she didn't want anyone in the exam room with her, she figured it was easier that way than to be so vulnerable in the presence of someone else.

The nurse had begun to document pictures of Olivia's injuries, from the bruises on her face to the lacerations on her chest and the burns to the deep bruises on her wrists from the handcuffs – the pictures never seemed to stop. The flash didn't phase Olivia, she had already begun to detach herself from the situation. She had no emotion on her face, her eyes had a blank stare that was devoid of all life, she was going through the motions she had seen with countless rape victims she had come into contact with at SVU.

Meredith had already swabbed the inside of Olivia's mouth and was currently in the process of clipping her fingernails for any DNA that could be found. She had been as gentle as she could when she had brushed Olivia's hair but Meredith could hear Olivia whimper quietly. Meredith's heart broke for the woman that was sitting in front of her, it never made her job any easier.

In the softest voice she had, Meredith said, "Let your gown drop at the front, I need to get a few pictures of the bruising."

Olivia complied although she was slowly becoming painfully aware of what was going to happen next, she knew the routine but she had never been the one laying on the table before. She had laid back on the table as her feet were in the cold, plastic stirrups. Olivia shuddered slightly at how exposed she felt with her knees in the air, her eyes had darted all over the room in hope of finding something to take her mind away from this but nothing seemed to work. She clenched her eyes shut and stifled a whimper that ultimately caused her to cry out louder than she would have wanted.

"Ms. Benson," Meredith paused as she looked at Olivia who was barely keeping it together.

"I-it's O-Oli-via." She managed to shakily reply as she looked at the young nurse with tears pricking at her eyes.

"Olivia," Meredith replied as she smiled sadly at the terrified woman on the table. "Do you want me to go get someone from the waiting room?"

It was silent in the room as Olivia contemplated whether or not she wanted anyone with her. It was hard enough doing this by herself but she knew that if she kept crying, the exam wouldn't be over with fast. Eventually, the need for comfort and familiarity won and she reluctantly nodded her head at Meredith. "R-Rollins – Amanda."

* * *

Amanda had been reading a magazine while Cragen was getting some coffee down the hall and Fin and Nick were with Kat in the cafeteria. She wasn't really reading, it was more of a way to waste time – it's not like she had anything better to do anyways. Amanda had seen the nurse pass by the waiting room a few times but now that the young nurse was standing right in front of her, it was different.

"Amanda, right?" Meredith hesitantly asked, hoping that she was talking to the right person.

"Y-yeah, that's me." Amanda was confused, "Is everything okay?"

Meredith nodded, "Olivia's asking for you." In a hushed tone for Olivia's own privacy, Meredith continued, "It was during her rape kit exam, she's pretty freaked out right now." The young nurse stood up, "Follow me?"

Amanda got up and followed her down a few hallways until they reached the exam room. Meredith turned to the Detective and said, "You should prepare yourself, she doesn't look good by any means."

"It's nothing I haven't seen before." Amanda said as Meredith opened the door and they both walked in.

Meredith was the first to say anything, "I found Amanda for you, she's right here."

Amanda had been hesitant to enter the room, she knew that victims lashed out at anyone who was there to help - she wasn't even sure Olivia wanted her there in the first place. Amanda took a few steps forward and that's when she caught the full glimpse of her colleague. It took absolutely ever fiber of her being not to gasp or cry or even just rush over to hug Olivia. She had seen countless victims in the same position as Olivia but it never quite prepared her for seeing someone she knew in the same situation. "Liv, hey." Amanda said in the softest voice she could manage, one that she often used with victims.

Tears pricked at Olivia's eyes as she saw Amanda walking over to the side of the table. She had been glad that Amanda was someone that she could rely on. Amanda had been there for her when Olivia was shot, when Elliot had left and countless other times that the blonde Detective had helped out. Amanda was beside Olivia's bed, she had outstretched her hand to which Olivia grasped gratefully on to.

"Ready to start again?" Meredith asked, knowing that no one was ever ready for this kind of thing.

Olivia shot a scared glance at Amanda who gave her a sympathetic smile, "Not r-really."

"Liv, I'll be here the whole time. Whatever you need, you just tell me. Yeah?" Amanda jumped to Olivia's rescue, she knew that she had to keep her friend calm.

Olivia nodded at a waiting Meredith who sat down on the rolling chair at the foot of the table. When she felt contact of Meredith retrieving samples, her body began to tense as she cried out. "I-I can't d-do this, please."

Amanda had sat on the edge of the table Olivia was lying on, she had nothing but empathy in her voice when she spoke, "Liv, you're the strongest person I know. Look at everything you've overcome up to now." She had noticed that Olivia had already started crying, it was traumatic for her to go through this, something that Olivia had never wanted to endure especially after knowing that her mother did the same. "Lewis cannot walk away from this, I can't let him."

Olivia cringed at the mention of the man who had nearly killed her, she knew Amanda was right but it didn't make it any easier to go through the rape exam. Amanda squeezed Liv's hand slightly in support, "If you're going to do this for anyone, do it for Kat. She's scared out of her mind she's going to lose you."

Meredith had started once again as Olivia gripped Amanda's hand tighter. Usually Amanda would take the victim's statement but because she was so close to Olivia, she knew it would probably traumatize her more and she didn't want to muddy any of the waters – they had to make sure Lewis got put away for this.

Amanda didn't fail to notice the silent tears that were freely flowing down Olivia's face and the whimpering that she had tried to stifle, Liv's walls that she had put around herself were slowly but surely crumbling down to nothing. She had squeezed Olivia's hand slightly in a silent support to which Olivia was grateful to have.

"The worst of it is over, you did so good Olivia." Meredith quietly announced as she busied herself with documenting the last bits and pieces of the exam.

Olivia took a sigh of relief that the rape kit was behind her but her nerves had been shot to hell and she said, "I need to get out of here, anything. Please." She had still been holding on to Amanda's hand but her other arm was wrapped protectively around her middle.

Amanda looked at Meredith who nodded and replied, "We'll get you to your room in just a few minutes, it's just down the hall."

Olivia had begun to move herself as she attempted to sit up, the pain that coursed through her body was excruciating. Amanda had placed her arm behind Olivia's back as Meredith was on the other side, slowly getting Olivia to sit up. She had started to cry again as she tried to take deep breaths to attempt to lessen the pain of such small movements.

"You're hurting her!" Amanda exclaimed as she jumped to Olivia's rescue, "Isn't there any other way to do this?"

"Unfortunately there isn't," Meredith shook her head sadly as she looked at a crying Olivia and a worried Amanda, "Once we get her into the wheelchair and back to her room, I can get her some pain medicine. Until then, it's going to be slow going."

Amanda crouched down in front of Olivia who was obviously in excruciating pain, "Liv, hey." She waited until her colleague had finally looked up, tear stains evident in her expression. "We're almost there, I know it hurts. Do you think you're ready to try again?"

Olivia bit her lip and nodded reluctantly so both Amanda and Meredith went back to either side of the brunette Detective to try to get her standing. Within five minutes, Olivia was shakily standing on her feet. There was so much pressure from all her weight being on her injuries that it was almost too much for her to bear. The blonde Detective had turned her body slightly as Olivia leaned heavily on her trying to alleviate some of the pain. Amanda was holding the brunette Detective as best she could while simultaneously attempting to comfort her friend. Meredith had gotten the wheelchair and had come from behind Olivia who was holding on to Amanda.

"Alright Liv," Amanda softly said, "Keep holding on to me and we'll slowly get you into the wheelchair, okay?"

Through her tears, Olivia had mumbled a soft yes and they began the slow process. Once she was situated in the wheelchair and Amanda gave the young nurse a nod, the three were on their way to a room just down the hall that Olivia would be able to call her own.

It was the same song and dance that the three had done to get Olivia off of the table as it was to gently get her back into a hospital bed. It was painful, she couldn't even remember a time where she hurt this badly both physically and emotionally. When she was finally situated in her bed, Meredith began the process of inserting an IV to not only rehydrate her but to also release pain medicine into her bruised and battered body. Finding a vein was no easy task, especially since Olivia was so dehydrated from being forced to drink alcohol mixed with a variety of pills but when the IV was finally placed, the poking and prodding was over for now.

Amanda saw that Olivia was fighting to stay awake from the heavy doses of pain medication that was now running through her body, she picked up her jacket from the chair as she said, "I'll let you get some rest, you could use it after the day you've had."

Olivia's eyes had a look of fear in them, she was terrified of being alone. She craved familiarity and she was terrified that Lewis would come back and take her away again. When she finally did speak, her voice was shaky as she was trying to hold back the sob that was caught in her throat, "S-stay, pl-ease."

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**As always, please please review! It always makes my day a little better reading them, you are all so lovely with them! :)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hi friends! :)**

**First: So I went to Dublin this weekend and I checked something off my bucket list which was unreal - drinking a Guinness at the storehouse! It's an amazing city for sure!**

**Second: Sorry it took me so long to update, sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day - especially when your sense of time is warped like mine is!**

**Third: Chapter 18 should be up next week, hopefully sometime on Sunday - I'm heading to London on Thursday for the weekend! :) **

**Fourth: Here's Chapter 17, I hope y'all like it!**

**Fifth: I'd love to get to know you fantastic people, should you feel the need/or want to follow me on Twitter, have at it - fearLIZness17**

* * *

She had been asleep going on three hours now and since Amanda didn't know when she was going to wake up once again, she had decided to go back out to the waiting room. Before the door to Olivia's room had shut, Amanda had been reduced to tears. Seeing Olivia so broken and vulnerable in the hospital bed had really gotten to her on a number of levels. She had looked up to the brunette Detective ever since she had gotten transferred to SVU and she considered her a close friend that she could go to with anything that was on her mind. To have Olivia alive after what Lewis had done had just made the tears keep flowing. Even standing by Olivia's side during the rape kit was incredibly difficult to have to watch and having to almost physically carry Olivia off of the table.

Amanda had gone into one of the bathrooms down the hall in order to splash some water on her face to lessen the chance that her squad would find out that she had been crying. Once she had gotten her emotions in check, she had made her way back to the waiting room. Kat had fallen asleep again on one of the cushioned chairs in the corner of the room, she was sprawled out with at least two police issued jackets on top of her being used as blankets to keep her warm. Amanda had motioned for the three Detectives to come with her in the hall to talk about what was going on with Olivia.

Cragen was the first to ask, "How's she doing?"

"Not so good, she's in a lot of pain right now." Amanda paused as she looked at the three men before her, "I was with her during the rape kit, she was a wreck – still is."

"She gonna be okay?" Fin questioned, he and Olivia had been close ever since he had arrived at the precinct on his first day. Their friendship was simple but very deep, they could read each other like books.

"She will be, eventually. They have her hooked up to an IV to rehydrate her and for meds." It was hard for Amanda to talk about all of this to her squad but she continued, "Liv's terrified, it's written all over her face. She wants to run but she can't."

Nick had been quiet throughout the conversation, he was still reeling from the events earlier that day when he had been the one to bring Olivia out of the house. "She up for visitors?"

"She's sleeping now, has been for a while." Amanda had reiterated what Meredith had told her earlier, "We can go in one by one to visit but Liv has to make that decision for herself."

Everyone nodded at Amanda who had clearly taken control of the situation, it was silent for a few moments before she spoke again, "Look, guys. You need to prepare yourselves, she doesn't look good."

* * *

Fin was the first to venture into Olivia's room, he was quiet because Amanda had told him that Liv was sleeping. He was two feet into the room when he heard frantic whimpers and crying coming from where Olivia was lying.

_Lewis had been extremely angry that day, everything seemed to set him off and this time it was Olivia. He thought she was incredibly ungrateful for everything he was doing even though Lewis thought that he was actually being generous._

_"Lewis," She started, "The entire NYPD is after you."_

_"You stupid son of a bitch," He smiled as he looked at Olivia, "You really think that makes me nervous? Do you think I care?"_

_"They're right behind you, it's over Lewis." She confidently said as she stared down her attacker._

_Lewis lunged at Olivia while pointing her gun at her head, his right arm was pressed against her neck making it incredibly difficult to breathe. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."_

_She was gasping for air as Lewis' gaze was incredibly menacing, "P-pl-ease, L-e-wis."_

_He laughed at how much Olivia was struggling, "One move, lights out."_

Olivia was crying out, "No, no! Please, Lewis!" She was thrashing about in her bed, still immersed in her nightmare while Fin made his way over to her bed.

He had placed his hands on her upper arms as he began to steady her as best he could, "Liv, you're safe. It's okay, it's just a dream." Fin had repeated those phrases over and over slowly bringing her out of her nightmare.

She was shaking and had a look of fear in her eyes that Fin had only seen once before in his life and that was when he had saved Olivia from her sexual assault at Sealview when they were both undercover. "Hey, you're safe." Fin said as Olivia looked at him with all kinds of emotion flying through her mind.

"F-fin?" She mumbled as tears filled her eyes looking at him.

He nodded, "It's me, Liv."

Lewis was brought back to her mind and she was still absolutely terrified that he would walk in at any second, "W-where is he?"

"Bellevue, he's not getting out any time soon." Fin paused as he saw Olivia visibly relax, "How you holding up?"

Olivia laid back on the pillows, wincing at the stabbing pain in her ribs. Her eyes had become teary again as she turned her head to look at Fin who was worried about her. "The truth?"

Fin smiled at one of his oldest friends and nodded, "That'd be a good place to start."

"Awful, horrible, devastated," Her voice lingered as her eyes avoided looking at Fin. She could think of about a dozen and a half other words but none of them really seemed to solidify everything she was feeling.

"You went through hell, Liv. It's gonna be okay, you know."

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as the two Detectives looked at each other. Fin had been surveying her injuries, he had seen her exit the beach house with Nick but nothing really prepared him for how she was going to look the way she did in the hospital.

Fin had a look of complete sympathy in his eyes as he asked, "What do you remember?"

She looked at him with a deep, deep sadness that filled her gaze. Her voice had gone quiet and she let out a tiny whisper, "Everything." She could no longer hold the tears back as she began to sob, every part of her carefully built walls had come crashing down at once and it was too much for her.

His heart broke for Olivia, he knew this was deeply traumatic for her on so many levels. Fin sat down on the edge of the bed as Olivia clung to his shirt, her fingers beginning to whiten from how tightly she was holding on. He pulled her close to him being very mindful of her countless injuries and Fin let her cry. He knew that images of Olivia's mother were running through her head and how she must have gone through the same thing or images of Lewis during the four days that she was held captive. Fin understood that this ordeal was going to take a tremendous toll on Olivia but if she was willingly showing emotion then it was a step in the right direction. She had been crying for upwards of a half hour before she began to settle down. All that could be heard was the occasional sniffle or whimper as she slowly gained control over her emotions once again.

What broke the silence was Fin softly speaking, "Kat's really worried about you, Liv."

She had been shaking her head adamantly at Fin's statement. "No. Don't bring her in here. Just, don't."

He sighed, "Liv, she's going to see you eventually. She's a wreck, barely holding herself together. The poor girl thinks it's her fault that Lewis got to you."

"Fin," She quietly said as she continued speaking, "She can't see me like this, please. Just take her anywhere but here, anywhere." Olivia was practically pleading with Fin to take her daughter away from the hospital, she loved her daughter but she was currently struggling pretty hard with the fact that Fin and Amanda had already seen her in such a vulnerable state – having Kat see her would send Olivia over the edge, something that she couldn't afford to have happen.

"Every second that she's in the waiting room away from you, is killing her Liv. She's barely slept since you went missing, Nick and I had to force her to eat in the cafeteria earlier."

Olivia's voice was wobbly as she looked a Fin with a pleading expression on her face, "Please, Fin. Anywhere but here."

Fin sighed as he reluctantly agreed with Olivia's request, he had told her that he would be in later and with that, she was left alone in her room once again.

* * *

Kat was going crazy in the waiting room, she had yet to see her mother and no one was even offering to take her to visit. Her emotions were shot to hell and she was about to lose it as she walked up to Nick exclaiming, "When are you going to take me to see her?"

"Kat, calm down." He said as he looked down at the fuming teenager, "You can't if you're this worked up."

"Why won't anyone take me to see her?!" She began to yell, "Hell, I don't even know if she's even in this hospital!"

"These things take time, Kat." Amanda softly said as she tried to calm her, "It's only been a few hours."

"That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard someone say," Kat angrily said towards Nick and Amanda, "Either someone takes me to see my mom or I'll find her myself."

Fin had walked back into the room as Kat began to walk towards the door. He had stopped her from walking aimlessly through the hallways as Fin picked her up over his shoulder saying, "You're done, you need a break." Fin looked at Amanda who quickly followed suit behind him while Kat was struggling to wriggle out of Fin's grasp.

They had made their way to Amanda's car where Fin placed Kat inside the back seat before shutting the door and turning towards Amanda, "Take her back to your place, she's gotta cool off for a while. I'll call you if anything changes."

Kat was fuming in the back seat while Amanda drove, it was eerily quiet in the car – the teenager didn't want to speak and Amanda didn't want to cause a further blowup. Rather than having to make dinner, Amanda had driven through a McDonald's. She hadn't eaten all day from being with Olivia and she knew Kat must be hungry by now. The bag of food sat in the front seat as the two continued to drive back to Amanda's apartment.

By the time they had made it up to Amanda's door, Kat had calmed down significantly which was a good thing because now Amanda could have a civil conversation. Amanda didn't blame the teenager for how she reacted to things the past couple of days, she understood the fear, guilt and sadness that Kat was feeling – she didn't hold it against the teenager, Kat had every right to feel the way she did.

The teenager had made her way to the couch with her bag of food in hand, Frannie had quickly followed suit as she laid down at Kat's feet. Amanda didn't even have the energy to scold the dog for begging so she let it slide this time knowing that it might be good for Kat. Amanda sat in the reclining chair that was adjacent to the couch and began to take a few small bites of her burger. Kat had been picking at her french fries while staring at the wall before she turned to Amanda, "I'm sorry."

"You have every right to feel the way you do, no one is blaming you for the way you reacted at the hospital."

"God, I was so childish." She paused as she took a bite of one of her fries, "I completely lost it, Amanda."

Amanda smiled at the teenager who was feeling incredibly remorseful at her actions earlier and said, "Sweetheart, it's okay. We were almost expecting it to happen with everything that's been going on."

Kat went quiet as she picked up the glass of water that Amanda had placed on the table for her. She took a sip and asked the blonde Detective, "It's really bad, isn't it."

Amanda knew that Kat was talking about Olivia and she nodded her head, "She's in really rough shape, Honey."

"You saw her, when I was asleep?" Kat sighed as she turned towards Amanda with a sad look on her face.

She sighed as she got up and sat down next to the teenager who she saw was about to cry. "I did, your mom asked one of the nurses to come find me."

With tears pooling in her eyes, Kat hit the nail right on the head and asked, "Why didn't she ask for me?"

"Oh sweetheart," Amanda sighed, "I wish I knew, I really do." She pulled Kat into her embrace as the teenager was contemplating her next question.

"Is sh-she you know, doing okay?"

"Not really, no." Amanda had sadly told Kat and continued, "She's in an incredible amount of pain right now and she's terrified that Lewis is going to come after her again."

"He's not though, right?"

Amanda nodded, "He's in Bellevue under 24 hour surveillance, he's not going anywhere."

Kat had stayed in Amanda's embrace for a few minutes before extracting herself by saying, "I'm going to head to bed, if that's okay?"

Frannie had followed Kat into the bedroom as she shut the door, she was exhausted but instead of crawling into bed, she sat against the door letting herself get lost in her thoughts. The dog had placed her head on Kat's lap while the teenager mindlessly ran her hand over Frannie's fur.

As soon as Amanda heard the bedroom door shut, her cell phone began to ring. She saw it was Fin and she was hoping that nothing had changed since she had last seen Olivia. "Fin, what's up?"

"Just checking in to see how Kat's doing, she calm down any for you?"

Amanda chuckled slightly, "Yeah, almost as soon as we got into my apartment. She felt really bad for the way she reacted earlier, I don't blame her. How's Liv doing?"

"Nick's with her now, I asked him to bring up Kat visiting again but we'll see."

Amanda knew why Olivia didn't want to see her daughter but it was only a matter of time before Kat took things into her own hands, "What did she say when Cragen went in and asked?"

Fin sighed as he spoke, "Same thing that she told me, to take Kat anywhere but here."

"Kat's going to have to see her eventually, Liv can't avoid her forever."

"We'll work on getting her to change her mind but for now, she's pretty set in her ways." Fin paused, "I'll let you know either way, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in the morning sometime with Kat." There was a silence on the phone before Amanda spoke again, "Let her know that we're there for her, with whatever she needs."

"Will do." Fin said as they both hung up the phone.

Little did Amanda know, Kat could hear every word of the conversation. The teenager didn't mean to listen but the door she was leaning against was incredibly thin. She had assumed that her mother just wasn't up to visitors when everyone was in the waiting room but Kat had been incredibly wrong. Her own mother didn't want to see her for reasons she didn't quite know and it killed her to know that her mother was trying to deal with things herself rather than relying on other people. It wasn't unlike Olivia to do something like this but to have it thrown in Kat's face was very difficult for her to come to terms with.

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**I'd love it if you'd review, they absolutely make my day! :)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello friends! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update, there just aren't enough hours in the day - especially when you're studying abroad, everything falls by the wayside but not to worry, I'm back! :)**

**First: London this past weekend was AMAZING - it's probably my new favorite city. I crossed 4 things off my bucket list so that was pretty sweet too!**

**Second: I'm heading to Paris on my Spring Break on Monday so I probably won't update until I get back on March 14th - I'm still super excited to go!**

**Third: Here's a word of advice from me to you, do what you want with it but if you ever get the chance to travel, do it - especially traveling abroad, you seriously won't regret it.**

**Fourth: Here's Chapter 18, I hope you like it!**

**Side note: I'm on Twitter, if you wanted to find me there - fearLIZness17 :)**

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It had been a long and restless night for Olivia in the hospital. The beeping from the machines she was hooked up to had been bothering her, every time she closed her eyes she saw Lewis, and by the time morning actually came, the pain medication she was on had long since worn off.

She had been looking up at the ceiling for what seemed like a half hour before she heard the door to her room open. Her head turned to see who it was and she saw Meredith, God was she grateful to see her.

The young nurse smiled at Olivia, "Morning, how are you feeling?"

Olivia had tried to speak but the pain in her body was too much for her and her eyes followed Meredith as she walked around to the side of the bed checking the monitors. That's when she noticed the IV bag was empty, "I'm so sorry." Meredith felt bad that Olivia probably had been in excruciating pain when she woke up and she couldn't move to press the call button.

The brunette Detective gave a small smile to Meredith who had reached her hand out to Olivia, "I'm going down the hall for a few minutes to get you a new IV, okay?"

Meredith was a bit surprised to see that Olivia had quickly grabbed on to her hand and didn't let go, a look of fear in her eyes once again. She looked at Olivia and gave her a sympathetic smile as she began to speak again, "I'll be right back, I promise. Try not to move, I'll be 5 minutes tops."

Keeping her word, the young nurse was back in under the time she had originally told Olivia. "Let's get you feeling a little more like yourself, yeah?" Meredith had immediately began to change the IV bag in hopes of relieving some of Olivia's discomfort.

Olivia gratefully nodded her thanks to Meredith who was seated in the chair beside the hospital bed. She had some time before she had to check on her next patient and Meredith wanted to make sure that everything was going okay with Olivia.

"Give it about 15 minutes and you should feel it start kicking in." The young nurse had seen Liv receding back into herself as everything in the room was silent except for the monitors that never seemed to stop beeping. "Look, if you ever need anyone to talk to that isn't in your squad," Meredith paused, "I hope you know that you can talk to me, about anything, whatever you need." Usually she didn't offer this to every patient that she took care of but Olivia was different, Meredith really did care about the well-being of the battered woman that found it incredibly difficult to relay her emotions and needs to others.

"Thank you," Olivia said as she smiled, she was exhausted and she was desperately hoping that the pain medication would knock her out for some period of time.

* * *

Amanda and Kat had gotten to the hospital at around 9:45am which was early for Kat but she had been up since 8 that morning, her thoughts had won the battle against sleep. Amanda had been reluctant to bring the teenager to the hospital this early knowing that visiting hours didn't start for another hour but here they were.

Cragen, Nick and Fin had taken shifts as to who stayed at the hospital and who went home for a few hours to catch up on some sleep. Cragen and Fin had left the night before and were due in some time that morning, Nick had stayed in case Olivia miraculously needed anything during the night. When Amanda and Kat had walked into the waiting room, they saw Nick slumped over in a chair, clearly exhausted.

Amanda had walked over and sat next to him, placing her hand on his shoulder. "Nick, hey. Wake up."

He jumped awake as he straightened himself up in the chair he was sitting in, "What happened? Is everything okay?"

Kat laughed slightly at the confused Nick in front of her as Amanda said, "Why don't you go home for a few hours, catch up on some sleep. We'll hold down the fort."

Nick hesitated at first, he didn't want to leave but he needed to tie up a few loose ends at his house with Maria and Zara. "Alright, I'll be back later on today. Call me if anything changes?"

Amanda nodded as Nick disappeared down the hallway. She turned to Kat who had already made herself comfortable in the same chair she had been sitting in for the past day. Amanda knew that it was only a matter of time before Kat lost it again, it was something everyone was trying to avoid. She felt bad for the teenager whose world seemed to be falling apart every second she didn't get to see Olivia. Amanda knew that Olivia couldn't hide from her daughter forever but no one wanted to impede on her already impaired judgment from the medication she was currently on.

* * *

Olivia had been asleep for about an hour which didn't really fix the pounding headache she had from the concussion Lewis gave her. She had been in quite a bit of pain all morning, the medication she was on only went so far and Olivia knew that she was in for a long recovery if she kept feeling like this.

Meredith had been in and out to check on Olivia's vitals, not that anything had changed but the young nurse had made sure to give the brunette Detective a little extra care. Anything Meredith could do to help her patient was a small win. Olivia hadn't been up to talking much that morning, she mumbled incoherently in her sleep and when she was awake, her mind was in a sort of a fog that she couldn't seem to get out of.

However, when Meredith came in around later that morning, she was carrying a small cup of a few pills. Olivia had been watching TV except it was just something to try to take her mind off of how she was feeling but also to avoid having Lewis pop up in her head. She was exhausted and no matter how much medication the doctors had her on, Lewis always seemed to be in the back of her mind even more so than when he had held her captive.

"Hey there," Meredith said softly as she stepped foot in the room. She didn't want to frighten Olivia who didn't seem to notice that the young nurse had entered.

Olivia turned her head slowly towards Meredith, her eyes glassy and she had been holding back tears since she had first woken up earlier that morning. She nodded her head at the young nurse who was standing before her.

"You feeling any better?"

Olivia bit her lip slightly as she shook her head slowly side to side as she softly replied, "Not really."

Meredith smiled sadly as she took a step closer towards Olivia's bed, sitting down on the rolling chair as she asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

She looked at the young nurse who had placed herself next to the hospital bed, Olivia didn't really want to talk about anything these days – she was just going through the motions. She knew that Meredith was only trying to help and Olivia appreciated that immensely, "I hurt," she paused as she tried to regain control of her emotions, "all over."

"Where does it hurt the most?" Meredith asked Olivia who had finally taken up the young nurse on her offer of a listening ear. The young nurse had seen a lot of victims in the short time she had been at Mercy Hospital but she had taken a special interest in Olivia because of the fact that she was different. Different in a way that Meredith hadn't seen before in a patient, Olivia reminded her of someone she knew. Her mother had been in an abusive marriage, she knew what it was like to see someone so battered that they didn't even know which way was up. It was all too familiar for Meredith and she hoped that she could help Olivia even if it was just listening.

"M-my soul." Olivia quietly whispered as the tears started to pool in her eyes. "I don't k-know if I ev-even have one any-anymore."

"Olivia," Meredith sighed as she began to speak, "You went through probably the worst experience of your life and you made it out. If that doesn't speak to how strong you are physically, emotionally and mentally, I'm not sure what does." She paused as she looked at Olivia who had been wiping away tears. "I know you feel broken and helpless now but time will become your best friend."

The brunette Detective took a deep breath as she made eye contact with Meredith, "Are you sure you're only a nurse?"

The fact that Olivia was able to make a small joke spoke wonders about how she was learning to cope with everything. It was a hard pill to swallow for the brunette Detective, especially now that everyone had been referring to her as the victim – something she never wanted to be called.

There was a few minutes of silence in the room before Meredith spoke again, "I know you're probably not going to like this, but I have these for you." She held up the small cup of three pills to show Olivia who already knew what they were.

She dreaded those three pills that she knew were coming, it was only a matter of time. Those three pills confirmed that Olivia had been raped and it was one more brick in her wall that came crashing down – the rest in a heap at the bottom of the pile. Meredith had placed the cup in Olivia's good hand as she softly said, "It's up to you, whether or not you want them."

_Serena Benson was a tough lady, she had been through a lot in her short life not that she let anyone on to the fact that she was struggling. She had been struggling for thirteen years now, there was no denying that it had been a long and tough road to where she was now except her daughter had no idea that anything was wrong._

_Olivia was used to her mother coming home fall-down drunk on most nights, it was a frequent occurrence in the Benson household. Serena was a college professor who never really spent much time at home, she was too busy nursing her drinking habit to forget the state her life was currently in. The young teenager knew a lot about how to take care of a drunk, how to hold her mother's hair back when she was throwing up after a long night of shots at the bar, how to put her mother to sleep when she stumbled in the front door, how to comfort her mother when she sat up at night sobbing and also how to stay hidden when her mother ran around the house in a drunken rage looking for Olivia to beat on._

_On the off chance that Olivia couldn't get out of the way during a drunken rage, she would go to school with the occasional bruises on her arms or the one time where she showed up to school with a huge cut on her face from when her mother broke a wine bottle and glass went flying. Olivia had rehearsed what to say whenever someone asked what had happened to her and after a while, people stopped asking – things were better off that way anyways._

_Olivia was thirteen when her mother stormed into the living room one summer day. She had been off of school for a few weeks and had been watching TV on a Saturday morning. Olivia knew that her mother had been in a mood, she had been since the night before except she didn't know what set her off._

_Serena had angrily shut the TV off and turned to Olivia who had already started to push herself up from the couch in case she had to run, "Come with me."_

_The teenager hesitated before she ended up following her mother into the master bedroom, "What's going on, Mom?"_

_They both sat down on the bed where her mother had placed a few newspaper articles and photo albums on top of the sheets. "I'm going to tell you about your father."_

_Olivia was a little shocked, she didn't really know what to think about her mother's sudden outburst about her father. It's not like Olivia really cared about the guy, from what she made up in her mind, the guy had bailed when she was a baby so it was just her and her mom. "I thought he was dead?"_

_"Wrong." Serena sighed as she picked up a newspaper article that talked about the night she was raped, passing it to Olivia. "This is from that night."_

_She had begun to read it, not really understanding where her mother was going with all of this new information. "What does this have to do with me? I wasn't even alive yet."_

_"I was a student at Hudson University, I was walking home one night and that's when he jumped on me." The older Benson paused as she looked at her daughter, "He forced himself inside me and once he was finished, he was gone."_

_Still, Olivia was confused. She was still trying to absorb all of the information that was being laid out in the open. "You were raped?" She had just learned about it in one of her health classes the year before, it was still a fairly new concept to Olivia._

_Serena nodded her head, "Yes, I was." She paused as she cleared her throat and as she looked at her daughter, she began to speak once again, "I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later."_

_"What?" Olivia exclaimed, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "So, that baby was me?"_

_"You were born 9 months later." Serena sighed as she finally let go of that one piece of information that had been looming over her head for years now._

_Olivia stayed silent as she stared at her mother while her thoughts clouded her mind. It all made sense now, as to why Serena acted the way she did around her daughter. She drank to try to put the past behind her, to try to forget all the pain and misery from that night. Every time Serena looked at Olivia, she relived that night over and over again – her daughter was a constant reminder of the worst night of her life._

"Olivia, did you need me to repeat that?" Meredith had asked, breaking the brunette Detective out of her flashback.

She shook her head as she poured the pills into her hand. "No, I'm okay. Really." The truth was that she was anything but okay, she couldn't shake the thoughts of her mother and how she had gone through the same thing. How she didn't take the pills that were now in Olivia's hands, how Olivia wouldn't have even been born had Serena not taken the morning after cocktail in the hospital.

Her mind was in two different places, both in the hospital and lost in her thoughts – she could barely focus long enough to decide what she was going to do. She couldn't not take the pills and have there be a chance where she was pregnant with Lewis' child – she wasn't sure that she would be able to live with herself if she let that happen. She wasn't even sure she could do that to her own daughter, to have something like that lingering over both of their heads. Olivia was terrified that she was going to end up like her mother if she didn't take the pills that Meredith had given her and in the end, fear won.

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**As always, I'd love it if you'd review - they make me smile and they absolutely make my day! :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**Hi friends! Don't worry, I'm alive and well - I even made it to Paris and back in one piece. :)**

**#1: Paris was amazing and a city that will always have a place in my heart. I also learned a number of valuable life lessons like to not take the metro when you're drunk or even how not to murder the men who stand under the Eiffel Tower trying to sell you key chains for a euro! However, I did eat enough crepes to last me a lifetime!**

**#2: I've been waiting to update this ever since I landed in Paris so here it is finally! I hope y'all like it. :)**

**#3: I'll have Chapter 20 up sometime next week, thank you to all of you who stick with me as I navigate this story - you people are the greatest!**

**#4: I'm also on Twitter should you feel the need to follow or get to know me better - fearLIZness17**

* * *

The waiting room had been quiet all afternoon, it was like the hospital had lost all signs of life. Kat hadn't seen a single nurse walk by the entire day, she made it up in her mind that they had more important things to do than having to keep checking up on the squad every five minutes. She liked the quiet, it gave her time to collect her thoughts.

She was getting bored of sitting around so she announced, "I'm going to take a walk for a little bit."

Amanda and Nick both looked up from their seats and asked at the same time, "Do you want us to come with you?"

Kat shook her head, "No, I just need to clear my head. I'll be back in a little while."

All of the Detectives had been wary of Kat leaving on her own but since they had been all over her the past couple of days, they decided that it was probably to her benefit if she got some alone time. The last thing they wanted was to have her feeling like she was being smothered and do something she'd regret later on down the line.

The teenager had made her way down one of the hallways in the hospital, she didn't really know where she was and she didn't care – Kat just needed to walk. She had been gone for about five minutes and she was already getting questioning looks from a few of the nurses at the nurses station, the teenager just kept walking. Before she knew it, she was standing in front of a window in the maternity ward, staring at the newborns in their bassinets. They looked so innocent and peaceful, the cruelty of the world hadn't hit their tiny minds yet. A few parents had passed her, asking the teenager questions about how it felt to be a big sister and which baby was the lucky one. Kat didn't really even know why she was still standing in the window, looking at the newborns calmed her in a way that she couldn't quite describe. She could see a few more parents coming her way and because she wanted to avoid confrontation, she turned and started wandering downstairs again.

Kat had passed a few waiting rooms filled with people waiting to hear news on their loved ones and in a few instances, she witnessed doctors telling families that they did everything they could but it wasn't enough. She finally came down a hallway that she had seen Amanda, Nick, Fin and Cragen walk down many times and she knew that her mother was around somewhere. She had over heard Amanda on the phone the night before talking about how Olivia didn't want to see Kat and when she was resting in the waiting room, she heard Cragen tell Nick what room Olivia was actually in. Whether or not the squad were aware that she was listening, Kat didn't know but she found herself now standing in front of her mother's hospital room.

She had mixed thoughts about walking in, the teenager didn't really know what to expect and she didn't want to make things worse for her mother but at the same time, she had to make sure her mother was alright. Kat quietly opened the door and slowly made her way inside, making sure that the door shut quietly behind her. She took a few steps inside until her eyes saw Olivia laying on the bed, asleep.

Kat had to suppress a gasp at how beaten and bruised Olivia actually was, she had been briefed on the extent of her mother's injuries but nothing quite prepared Kat for seeing everything in person. The teenager was now standing beside Olivia's bed while simultaneously surveying her mother's injuries and attempting not to make a sound. Kat had seen Olivia come home bruised a few times but this was entirely different, nothing compared to what Kat was looking at currently. Both of Olivia's eyes were severely bruised, her left eye was considerably more swollen than the right because of her broken eye socket. The cigarette burns were visible on Olivia's chest and arms as well as the deep lacerations that had now been bandaged and precariously placed. A cast was placed on Olivia's right wrist and from what Kat couldn't see, the list of injuries went on.

As the teenager sat down in the reclining chair next to her mother's bed, tears had since pooled over from surveying Olivia's injuries. She was trying to be quiet so she wouldn't wake up Olivia but it was proving difficult, especially from all of the guilt she was feeling. Kat blamed herself for not being home to save her mother, if she just would have been there, things would be different. Kat took her mother's good hand in her own and held it up to her cheek as she began to whisper, "I'm so sorry, so so sorry. It's all my fault, this wouldn't have happened had I been there." The teenager wished she could just crawl into the bed with her mother but she knew she shouldn't so she settled for just holding on to Olivia's good hand as she cried silently.

* * *

It had been about an hour and a half since Kat had left to take her walk and Amanda had been the first to notice that something might be up. "She should be back by now, it's been over an hour."

Fin piped in, "Maybe she went to the cafeteria to get something to eat?"

"She's seventeen, it's not like she would leave the hospital – Liv is the only reason why she's still here." Nick gave his two cents, he knew that they should just leave Kat be but in this situation he understood why everyone was so on edge.

Cragen had gone home for the day to catch up on sleep so Amanda had taken charge with the other two Detectives, "Let's at least see if she's okay, I don't want to find her in a bad spot."

Both Fin and Nick nodded at Amanda's suggestion and Nick who was the voice of reason that day said, "She probably found Liv or something, I wouldn't put it past her to go looking you know."

"Oh God," Amanda sighed as she looked at Fin, "Liv's probably freaking out."

As the three Detectives made their way to Olivia's room, they had heard frantic shouting coming from inside. Fin was the first to walk in and he saw Olivia who was thrashing underneath the blankets, clearly reliving part of her capture and Kat who was sitting on the side of her mother's bed, her eyes as wide as dinner plates.

_Olivia had been tied up in her apartment on one of the dining room chairs all night, Lewis had been at her with cigarettes and a wire coat hanger off and on for about an hour. Every time she felt that searing pain hit her skin, she had cried out underneath the duck-tape that made it incredibly hard to breathe._

_"Who are you crying for?" Lewis taunted, "No one even knows you're here."_

_She whimpered as she saw him holding another can of beer in his hands, he was halfway to being drunk already. Tears had started falling and she hoped that he would just let her go._

_Lewis smiled at her pain and began again, "Do you miss your partner? Huh?" He leaned in close to her face, "Or what about your daughter?"_

_Olivia squeezed her eyes shut and the mention of Kat, she was praying that Lewis wouldn't go after her. It would kill Olivia if something happened to her daughter, she couldn't let anything like that happen even if it cost her own life._

_He lunged at Olivia who visibly flinched, Lewis' hand pressing into one of the cigarette burns. As Olivia cried out, he just laughed at how much power he had over her. She tried taking deep breaths to try to balance out the pain that was coursing through her body but the duck-tape was making it even harder._

_Lewis leaned in close to Olivia's face, making eye contact with her as he began to speak, "No one, is coming to save you." He waved her gun in front of her face, taunting her, "It's just you and me now, sweetheart."_

"No! Lewis, stop! Let me go!" Olivia had been repeating the same three things over and over while she was still caught up in her nightmare. Nick had started to make his way over towards the hospital bed but before he could, Kat held up her hand and motioned for him to stop. All three of the Detectives had given Kat a questioning look but stopped once Kat began to softly speak to her mother, "Mom, hey. It's okay." The teenager placed her hands on each of her mother's shoulders to try to bring Olivia back to reality, "You're safe, it was just a dream. Mom, I promise you're okay."

After a few minutes, Olivia slowly but surely began to come out of her flashback, her eyes zeroing in on Kat who was still whispering reassuring phrases. The older brunette couldn't decipher who she was looking at in front of her, she had told her squad that she didn't want Kat to see her like this. Olivia stumbled over the one word that made it out of her mouth, "K-kat?"

Kat nodded as tears pooled in her eyes, her voice shaky but firm as she spoke, "Yeah, Mom. It's me."

It was so quiet in the room that you could hear a pin drop, everyone was waiting on how Olivia was going to react. Kat and her mother hadn't broken eye contact as they both stared at each other in shock. The teenager was the one who broke the silence as the tears began to fall down her cheeks, "I'm so so sorry."

Fin had stepped forward towards Kat and softly said, "Come on," he reached out his hand to attempt to get Kat out of the room.

"I-it's okay," Olivia shakily spoke as she turned her head to look at Fin and repeated herself again in more of a whisper, "It's o-okay."

The Detectives saw themselves out out of the room, leaving Olivia and Kat alone once again. Kat was barely holding herself together and Olivia was trying her best not to panic at the fact that her daughter was seeing her in the most vulnerable state. Olivia looked at her daughter who so desperately wanted to be held, to feel her mother's embrace that she missed so much. Kat really did think that Olivia was gone, she was terrified that she would never see her mother again and the relief that she was sitting before her mother now came flooding out in her tears.

"Kat," Olivia said as she picked up her good arm and held it out to her daughter to come lay with her in the bed.

The teenager hesitated as she looked at her mother but the need for comfort won. She climbed up onto the bed as Olivia moved over slightly to make more room while wincing at the stabbing pain from her injuries. Kat laid down next to her mother, still in tears as she took everything in. Olivia had taken Kat's hand in her own, it was painful to do much moving but this was better than nothing. "I'm okay, sweetheart."

Kat shook her head and blinked a few tears away, "But, you're hurt and in the hospital." She paused as she looked at the bandages on her mother's arms and chest, the bruises on her face. Kat choked out a sob as she shakily said, "I'm so so sorry, Mommy."

There was only a few times that Kat had called Olivia "mommy", it was usually whenever she was really sick or incredibly scared and it broke Olivia's heart each and every time she heard it. "Oh honey," Olivia sighed as she watched her daughter who was sobbing next to her, "None of this is your fault, I promise."

"L-look at wh-what he d-did to you!" Kat pointed to all of Olivia's injuries, "He could have k-killed you."

"But he didn't," Olivia spoke calmly and clearly, "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

Kat moved as close as she could to her mother and Olivia wrapped her arm on her daughter's back, she whimpered slightly at the jarring of her ribs but hoped that Kat didn't notice.

The teenager saw her mother attempting to hide her pain and as she wiped away the last remaining tears, she hesitantly asked, "Do you, need me to get a nurse? If you're in too much pain," she paused before continuing, "you know, you can tell me."

Olivia bit her lip and looked at her daughter who was already being so protective over her and tried to gather her emotions as to not freak Kat out. Kat started to sit up as she spoke again with more of a concerned tone in her voice, "Let me go get a nurse, okay?"

Liv shook her head and mumbled a shaky no before she pleaded with her daughter, "Just stay, please?"

The truth is she was terrified, she didn't want to be alone any more than she wanted to be comforted. The fact that Kat had seen what she looked like and the extent of her injuries just about pushed her over the edge. The medication that had been pumping through her IV made her feel incredibly foggy and it made her emotions fly all over the place to the point where she didn't know how to feel about the situation she was in. She was in so much pain that it sometimes made her want to die, Lewis was a constant pop up whenever she closed her eyes. She was so sleep deprived that on some occasions she couldn't form a coherent sentence and whenever she attempted to eat anything, she felt so nauseous that she thought she was going to vomit at any second. She wanted to be held but at the same time, she couldn't stand being touched because her mind went straight back to Lewis.

It was a constant battle for Olivia, a war between remembering and forgetting.

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**As always, reviews make me smile and also make my day so please don't hesitate to tell me your thoughts!**


	20. Chapter 20

**SO sorry that I've taken forever to update, there just aren't enough hours in the day! In the time in which I last updated, I've done a lot!**

**#1: I got food poisoning, that was AWFUL and I hope it never happens to me again.**

**#2: I went to Belfast for the weekend with my mom and brother who flew over to see me from Massachusetts - it was great!**

**#3: I'm also going to Germany on Thursday for the weekend and hopefully Amsterdam too, we'll see!**

**#4: I'll try to update again soon, things have been crazy over here in Ireland lately but they should be settling down soon enough!**

**#5: Here's Chapter 20, I hope you all like it!**

**and finally #6, you can follow me and my escapades abroad and also about SVU on twitter - fearLIZness17**

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She had woken up the next morning, her third day in the hospital with Kat clinging to the hospital gown that Olivia was wearing. She had loved spending time with her daughter the night before, even if it was just comforting Kat who had been so distraught over almost losing Olivia. This morning was different, Olivia felt as though her walls were closing in on her and it was becoming too much to have Kat in the room. The teenager was still asleep beside her and she resorted to staring up at the ceiling, praying that someone would come in to check on the two of them.

After what seemed like an eternity to Olivia, Fin had peeked his head into the room. He saw the two figures on the bed and took a few quiet steps towards the bed, seeing that Kat was still passed out and Olivia who looked like she was barely keeping it together. Fin smiled at her as he quietly whispered, "How you holding up this morning?"

She shook her head and gave him a sad smile, "Not that great."

Fin looked over at Kat, "She give you any trouble at all?"

"She's fine, just a little clingy I guess." She sighed as she looked at her daughter and then back at Fin who asked, "You want me to get her out of here?"

Olivia bit her lip and nodded, "I love her, she's – it's too much."

He made his way over to the other side of the hospital bed, scooping Kat up in his arms. She didn't even seem to stir or notice that Fin was holding her. He asked Olivia, "You want me to get a nurse?"

She was silent for a few seconds before she spoke, "Get Rollins, please?"

* * *

Fin had carried Kat back out to the waiting room, laying her on a few chairs and covering her with his jacket. Everyone had given a questioning look and Fin explained, "Kat's fine, Liv's just a little overwhelmed I think." He looked at Amanda, "She asked for you, maybe to talk – she didn't say."

When Amanda had made it to Olivia's room, Meredith had been in the middle of changing the bandages that covered quite a few places on Liv's body. It was a painful process that never really seemed to get easier despite how careful Meredith was, it was a necessary evil. Meredith was the first to greet Amanda who didn't really know what to expect or what Olivia needed but here she was.

"Hey Liv," she said softly as she made her way to the reclining chair next to the bed. "You doing alright?"

Meredith had just taken off one of the bandages that covered one of the deeper lacerations on Olivia's stomach and there was no shortage of pain that Liv felt when the wound had to be cleaned. Olivia had gratefully grasped onto Amanda's hand when it was offered and she cried out when she felt the stinging from the alcohol swab that the young nurse was using.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." Meredith apologized feeling awful for causing more agony to the woman whose pain never seemed to really stop. "I'm almost done, just keep holding on."

She clenched her teeth together as she tried to will her mind to escape from what she was feeling. Amanda spoke softly trying to soothe the brunette Detective, "Liv, it's okay. I know it hurts, I'm right here, whatever you need."

A few seconds later, Meredith declared she was done with changing the bandages and that she would be back in a little while to check on the IV. Olivia took a small sigh of relief with the breath she had been holding, she was grateful to get a small reprieve from being poked and prodded. She knew Meredith wasn't doing to to be crude, it was part of the process and Olivia understood that – it just didn't make it any easier.

"Liv," Amanda said as the brunette was brought back out of her thoughts, "Fin said you were having a rough morning."

Olivia didn't respond right away and Amanda kept talking, "If you want to talk about it, I'm here and if you don't, I'm still here, for whatever you need."

"She blames herself," Olivia said quietly recalling what Kat had said to her the previous night. "It's not her fault, none of this is."

"She's only seventeen, Liv." Amanda tried to reason, "Kat blames herself because she thinks that if she would have come home that night Lewis was at your apartment, this wouldn't have happened."

"It still would have happened regardless, I was a target from the beginning." She sighed, "He knew he was going to walk and here we are."

"Kat was a wreck the entire time you were gone, Liv. She thought you were dead, cried herself to sleep every night thinking about it."

Olivia wiped a few tears away from her eyes as she looked at the blonde Detective in front of her, "I love her so much but it's too much, I can't -"

Amanda took Olivia's good hand in her own, "She knows you love her, hell we all do. She's only trying to figure out how to navigate through this." She paused as she saw the brunette Detective swiping away at the straggling tears that were streaming down her face, "Her world got flipped upside down, she almost lost you, Liv. Kat's clingy right now because she's terrified that if she turns away, you'll be gone again."

She nodded, "I-I don't blame her, for what happened."

"I think she needs to hear that from you, the guilt is eating away at her. She's barely eating, the poor girl is making herself sick worrying about you and Lewis."

"How much did you tell her?"

Amanda sighed, "She knows that Lewis broke into your apartment somehow. Kat was the first one to see the apartment after Lewis took off with you, Fin was with her the whole time." She paused as she looked at Olivia who was a mess but she was trying to hold on to whatever last shred of dignity she had left, "She knows that he branded you with cigarettes and a wire. Cragen, Nick, Fin and I told her the extent of your injuries and when she asked me who Lewis was, I was the one to tell her."

Olivia was silent for a few minutes just soaking up how much information Kat knew and what she didn't, "Did you – does she know, about the r-rape?"

Amanda shook her head which was a huge relief to Olivia, "That was the one thing we didn't tell her, she doesn't know."

"Has she asked?"

"It never came up at all," Amanda replied, "She has a lot of questions though, about Lewis and what he did to you along the way."

"I can't – she can't, she can't find out." Olivia shook her head, "No one can know."

Amanda sighed and looked at Olivia with complete sympathy and understanding, "Liv, it's already been called in. CSU has been canvassing everywhere Lewis took you for the past couple of days."

Olivia turned her head to the side, looking away from the blonde Detective. If Olivia could dread anything more, it was the fact that the entire NYPD knew her harrowing ordeal with the Beast. Everyone was going to look at her differently, people would pity her and treat her like she's going to break at any second. She spoke quietly, almost in a whisper, "I just want this to be over."

"It will be, in time." Amanda replied, "It's a long road but everyone is behind you, we'll always be there."

Olivia sighed as she turned to look at Amanda once again except this time her eyes were incredibly teary, "I still feel him on me."

"You went through hell and back, Liv." She paused as Olivia was slowly receding into herself, "Look, why don't I go get Meredith and we can try to get you a shower?"

"Yes, pl-please."

* * *

Kat had woken up in the waiting room, disoriented and confused as to where she was. She sat up quickly as she looked around, "What – how, where is she?"

All three male Detectives sat down next to Kat, she was starting to get frantic. Nick was the first to speak, "Kat, everything's fine."

"I carried you out here about an hour ago," Fin said, "You've been asleep the whole time."

Cragen had been quiet for quite some time, he was more of a behind the scenes guy throughout this ordeal. Whenever he wasn't at the hospital with his squad, he was working with 1-PP and working closely with the DA's office to prepare for the investigation of Lewis. "Liv, she's – your mother's been through a lot over the past couple of days."

Kat's eyes were darting between all of the men before her, she didn't really know what was going on except for the fact that she wasn't in Olivia's hospital bed anymore.

Since no one else was making any moves to explain the current situation, Fin jumped into it, "She's having a hard time coping with everything that's happened to her. She loved seeing you but it was all a little overwhelming for her."

The teenager hesitantly asked, "When can I see her again?"

"Rollins is in there with her now," Nick explained, "Maybe your mother will be up to seeing you later on, she just needs time to try to figure out where to go from here."

Kat understood and she didn't try to fight it, she didn't want to cause anyone any more pain. The teenager knew that her mother was probably barely handling the squad knowing what happened to her, Liv was a person who kept everything close to the vest. She never let her guard down and when she was vulnerable, she shut everyone out with her signature "I'm fine." Kat had only been with her mother for a short time before the teenager passed out from sheer exhaustion, she never really got a glimpse into how her mother was dealing with everything. Now that Fin confirmed that Olivia was having a hard time, Kat just wanted to be there in any way she could.

* * *

Amanda had walked back into Olivia's room with Meredith in tow who asked, "What do you say we try to get you cleaned up a bit?"

Olivia nodded, her eyes pleading with both women, "Please."

"How do you want to do this?" Amanda asked, turning to Meredith who was beside Olivia's bed.

The young nurse replied to a waiting Olivia, "We're going to have to move you, to get you up. Do you feel up to that today?"

"Anything, please." Olivia nodded, her skin crawling with the feeling of Lewis all over her body. "Help me up."

Meredith and Amanda took to either side of her, each placing their hands gently behind Olivia's back for support. The young nurse spoke, "Slowly, yeah?"

The blonde Detective nodded, Olivia biting the inside of her cheek to try to get her mind off the pain in her ribs from sitting up. She knew this wasn't going to be an easy task, it hadn't been very long since she was even admitted to the hospital in the first place. "Alright, Liv." Amanda said as both her and Meredith were slowly lifting Olivia to a sitting position. "You doing okay?"

"Y-yeah, fine." The truth is, she wasn't doing okay. It might have been too soon to do any big movements, her ribs were incredibly sore and she didn't even want to know what the bandaged injuries were going to feel like under the water. Olivia couldn't say anything, the only thing she could think about was getting Lewis off of her – he was a constant thought looming not only in her head, but around her at all times.

Soon, Olivia was standing and it was a lot harder than she had remembered. There was a lot of pressure bearing down on her injuries, it felt as though someone might have been standing on top of her. Amanda and Meredith were on either side, their hands placed around Olivia's hips to try to steady her but the brunette Detective was leaning heavily on the two. There was no way she could walk by herself right now, especially with her sprained ankle which was bothering her now that she was standing.

After hobbling over to the bathroom, guided by both Amanda and Meredith, Olivia was one step closer to getting the shower she so desperately wanted. Amanda, wanting to give Olivia privacy spoke, "I'll go find you some scrubs or something to wear, I'll be back in a little while."

Meredith had started the water in the shower, she had assured Olivia that everything would be okay although she could be in some discomfort throughout this. Making sure that Olivia knew everything that was going on, Meredith softly said, "I'm going to untie your gown now, okay?"

Olivia nodded, slightly mortified that she would be exposed to the young nurse she so easily trusted. She was sure that Meredith had done this a thousand times before but the fact that she knew exactly what to do made Olivia feel slightly more at ease.

The warm water from the shower was in a steady stream as Meredith maneuvered Liv so she was standing under the shower head. The brunette Detective gasped slightly at the sensation of the water hitting her injuries, she was slightly hunched over as Meredith quickly came to her aid, "You're okay, we'll try to get this over quick."

As Meredith helped Olivia, she made sure to say what she was doing before she made any movements so as to not frighten the Detective who was already in a fragile state. It was a quick shower and before Olivia knew it, she was wrapped in a towel and had been sat down in a chair in the bathroom. Amanda had knocked on the door, a pair of scrubs in her hands to which Meredith took. "I'll wait out here, yeah?"

"We'll be out in a few minutes," Meredith replied, she was grateful that Amanda had been such a big help with Olivia. The majority of the time, especially in cases like this, Meredith was usually the only one to do anything.

It was slow going getting Olivia dressed, her arms could only move so much before it became incredibly painful but somehow, Meredith had managed to slip the scrub shirt on. Olivia's open wounds had rubbed up against the fabric to which the nurse replied, "I'll bandage those up for you when we're done, don't worry." The scrub pants went on far easier than the top, mainly because Olivia's legs weren't as bruised as the rest of her body.

It was a relief to the brunette Detective to have showered, she honestly didn't know much longer she could have gone with the remains of Lewis on her body. Now that she was cleaned up, she was one step closer to recovering and putting Lewis behind her which was huge. She still had a long road with her injuries but she was slowly but surely coming back to the Olivia Benson everyone knew and loved.

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**As always, reviews make me smile so please don't hesitate! They actually make my day a million times better when I read them. :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**SO, since the last time I've updated:**

**#1: Germany never happened, we missed our flight due to a nightmare bus adventure - it was actually the worst travel experience I've ever had.**

**#2: I did absolutely nothing this past weekend except for running (I'm trying to run the Boston Marathon next year) and writing!**

**#3: I'm headed to Scotland tomorrow for the weekend - I'm excited! And no, I'm not going to eat haggis, that looks super unappealing.**

**#4: As always, you can find me on twitter fearLIZness17**

**#5: Here's Chapter 21, please don't hesitate to leave a review! :)**

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It was day number four in the hospital and things were starting to look up for Olivia. Her doctor had mentioned that she could be hopefully discharged within the next couple of days. She was still on pretty heavy doses of painkillers but bits and pieces of her personality were beginning to come back up to the surface. Her appetite was the only thing that was really lacking, the medication made her incredibly nauseous not to mention that Olivia thought hospital food was unappetizing.

Today was also the day that the squad of the 1-6 was going to bring Kat in for another visit. They knew that it was a sensitive topic to Liv but they couldn't stand by and watch her push the teenager away. Olivia was only doing it out of love as well as an attempt to protect her daughter and although she would never admit it, her daughter's presence brought back memories of Olivia's time with Lewis.

She was sprawled out on the hospital bed, the only thing drowning out the dull beeping of the IV machine was the mumble of the TV. She had been flipping channels earlier that morning when she saw her picture plastered on one of the news stations. She had been on TV a few times before but nothing really prepared her to see "VICTIM" precariously placed under her own name. Now, the TV was playing some talk show that Olivia didn't really care about – it was more of a distraction to prevent her mind from wandering back to the beach house.

A knock on the door brought her out of her thoughts as Amanda and Kat walked into the room. Kat was hesitant to walk in, she didn't know how her mother was going to react until Olivia eased her fears by saying, "Hi, baby."

Amanda ushered the nervous teenager into the room, "You up for visitors this morning?"

The brunette Detective smiled slightly and replied, "Yeah, it's a bit lonely in here sometimes."

"We brought you this," Kat said as she was holding a brown paper bag, "We picked you up a bagel from Lenny's down on 41st, I know it's your favorite."

Amanda chuckled, "It's probably better than whatever they've been feeding you here, right?"

Olivia reached out for the bag that Kat was holding out to her, "Thank you, really." She had started to put a few dabs of cream cheese on the warm bagel, Kat had sat down in the chair next to Olivia's bed while Amanda was sitting on the rolling chair that Meredith was always using.

"How are you feeling?" Kat asked as she watched her mother take a few tiny bites of the bagel.

Olivia shrugged as she leaned back on her bed, her hair sprawled against her cheek. She brushed it behind her ear, only to have it fall in front of her face once again, "I've been better."

Amanda saw how Liv was picking at the bagel, "If you're not hungry, don't force it."

It was quiet for a few minutes in the room before Kat spoke again, "Your doctor said you could be out of here soon, that's good news, right?"

The brunette Detective nodded, "I'm ready to go home, I feel like an invalid in here."

Little did Olivia know, CSU had finished canvassing the Benson apartment and it was all properly documented for the investigation that was being led by the NYPD and IAB. The members of the 1-6 had all taken turns going over to the apartment and cleaning it up for both Kat and Olivia, even buying new furniture since most of it had been destroyed by Lewis.

"Mom, you're not an invalid – you're injured, that's two different things." Kat had tried to reason with her mother but she didn't want to start a fight or risk Olivia telling the teenager to leave. The only thing Kat wanted to do was be near her mother, nothing else. The squad of the 1-6 had all talked with Kat about how her mother would be feeling and some of the things she might say. Honestly, Kat was just waiting for Olivia to freak out, she had every right to after the things she endured but somehow, she was calm, cool and collected throughout the short visit.

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Later that afternoon, Olivia's doctor had come in the room while Cragen was visiting. Her captain had only came to visit once before but Olivia had trouble remembering because of the blinding pain she was in – the first few days in the hospital after her ordeal was a tad bit cloudy.

Dr. Wilson was a middle-aged man who had been a doctor for quite some time. From what Meredith had told Olivia, he had gone to Harvard and did his residency at Johns Hopkins so he knew what he was doing. Olivia hadn't seen much of Dr. Wilson since she first came into the ER that day she was found, she just assumed he was more of a behind the scenes guy who only made appearances when necessary and this must have been one of those times.

"Ms. Benson, how are we doing today?" He asked, his voice confident but relaxed.

Cragen stepped out of the way as Dr. Wilson made his way over to Olivia's bedside. She tiredly responded, "Okay, considering." Things fell silent before she asked, "When am I able to go home?"

"Well, from what Meredith tells me, you've been quite the model patient." He smiled, "But, in order for you to get discharged, you'll have to speak with one of our psychiatrists."

She shook her head while pleading with Dr. Wilson, "Please, no. I-I can't – I'm fine, really."

"Liv," Cragen began to reassure her, "Why don't I call Huang in, you've known him for years. Would you be okay with that?"

Her eyes were glassy, filled with unshed tears that were waiting to spill over. The truth is, she didn't want to talk to anyone – she wanted to forget this ever happened. If she was forced to talk to someone, she sure as hell wasn't going to open up to a random person that she didn't know or trust. Most of all, she didn't want to relive her entire experience with Lewis while she was still contained in the hospital – she was terrified of the things that would come flooding back into her mind while her emotions were totally exposed to the world. When she finally responded, she mumbled, "Fine."

Cragen glanced at Dr. Wilson who nodded his approval, he had worked with Dr. Huang on many occasions as a consultant on a few trials. He was a reputable psychiatrist and one who Olivia might be more willing to confide in. "We'll work on getting him in here to see you, as soon as possible."

* * *

Luckily, Dr. Huang had been in the city on FBI business for a few weeks. He had spent the last few months in Los Angeles on an assignment that only Cragen knew about but had to keep confidential. George had been sitting at his desk at the Bureau with a case file in his hands, _Olivia Benson_. He hadn't even opened it before the nauseous feeling crept into his body – it made him ill to think that someone he deeply cared about could endure something as horrific as she did. Huang had heard bits and pieces from news reports but when he finally did open the file, reading the police reports, witness statements and CSU findings, it was incredibly hard for him to believe. By the time he had gotten to the medical report, it was one of the longer ones he had seen while working on the job and it didn't make it any easier with Olivia's name on it. _Bruises, lacerations, broken eye socket, sprained ankle, broken/fractured ribs_. One thing that stuck out the most on the medical report was that four letter word no one ever wanted to see next to Olivia's name: _rape_.

He had arrived at the hospital at around 5 that night, just around dinner time. Fin was the first to greet Huang when he almost walked past the waiting room. "Long time no see, man."

George laughed, Fin had always been the joker, "It's good to see you too, Fin." He had said his hellos to the rest of the squad before Cragen ultimately was the one to lead him to Olivia's hospital room. She was laying on her back, her head turned towards the window as she looked out at the tall NYC skyscrapers that seemed to touch the clouds.

Cragen was the one to bring Olivia back to reality, "Liv." He waited until she turned her head which seemed like an eternity, she didn't want to face the fact that everything she went through would soon be out in the open. Huang gave her a warm smile, he had seen pictures of her injuries so it wasn't as much of a shock to him when she finally turned her head. "It's good to see you," He said as he sat down in the rolling chair next to her bed.

"She gave a small smile back to Huang before she sadly said, "I wish it was under different circumstances." Her captain had began to walk away from her bed, towards the door before she stopped him, "You can stay, you need my statement."

"Liv, what do you remember?" Huang delicately asked, knowing that this wouldn't be an easy conversation for all involved.

She hesitated, her eyes immediately becoming watery as she spoke, "Everything."

"Start from the beginning."

Olivia looked at Cragen who gave her a reassuring nod. "When I got home, he was already in my apartment. It had been locked, I'm not sure how he even got in. I thought I heard a noise so I went to check it out. When I turned the corner, he was there with a gun pointed at my head. He must have hit me with his gun because when I woke up, I was tied to a chair."

She paused, taking a few breaths to try to calm her nerves before she continued, "He was standing over by the stove, heating up a wire coat hanger. When he heard me shuffling in the chair, that's when he came at me with the vodka bottle and some pills. He ripped the duck tape off of my mouth and forced me to take them both."

Her eyes became incredibly teary as she was fighting so hard to keep them held in, "He came back a few minutes later, the wire hanger in his hands. I tried to fight him but he – he pressed it to my chest." She had brought her good hand up to her chest, slowly feeling the phantom pain of her now bandaged burns. Her gaze had been at the wall, she couldn't even bear to make eye contact with either Huang or Cragen.

"Liv, you're okay." Cragen softly assured her, "He can't hurt you anymore."

She shook her head as thoughts clouded her speech. Huang had his poker face on so Olivia couldn't read into what he was thinking. She knew he was used to all of this, he dealt with traumatized people all the time, this was just another case file to him. "When he got rid of the wire hanger, he lit cigarettes and held them to my skin. Once the pills and alcohol had taken effect, my mind was fuzzy and I must have passed out again because I woke up on the floor."

Huang, who had been silent the entire time finally spoke, "If you need a break – we can continue this later."

Her eyes were staring down at her hands, her voice pleading with George, "Please, I just want to get this over with." With that in the open, she continued on, "When I finally woke up again, he repeated the same pattern with the wire hanger and the cigarettes. My phone rang, I think it was Kat." She paused, trying to regain whatever control over her emotions she had, "He played her voice-mail, saying that she was staying at Maggie's to finish a school project. I – I was, holding out for her, waiting for her to walk through the door with Nick." She took a deep breath and she finally made eye contact with Huang, "When I heard she wasn't coming, I told Lewis to kill me."

She remembered the phrase that Lewis had said throughout their time together, _That's the end game, sweetheart._ It constantly played in the back of her mind but this time, she could have sworn Lewis was behind her, whispering that same phrase in her ear. Olivia's eyes had been closed but when she finally opened them, tears had already started to spill down her cheeks.

George offered her an escape, "Why don't we pause here for today?"

The brunette Detective shook her head adamantly, "George, please. I just want to go home, they said I couldn't until I talked to you."

He offered her a compromise, "If I sign your discharge papers, will you agree to follow-up sessions on a regular basis?"

Olivia nodded, grateful for the short lived relief that she wouldn't have to divulge into the ordeal tonight. Her experience with the Beast would come out eventually even though everyone probably already knew, they just weren't saying anything in order not to send her in a downward spiral. She was lucky to have such fantastic co-workers and friends she considered family, she really couldn't imagine what she would have done without them. From having her back time and time again to helping her raise Kat after Mark left her, and now, to helping her come to terms with what happened during those four days she was held captive.

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**Please review, they always make my day and I love hearing that people are actually reading as well as enjoying this story. I'll update sometime next week! :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**Since I last updated, I've done a NUMBER of fun things which include:**

**#1: Jumping fences to feed cows (they're my favorite animal)**

**#2: Found a ton of seaglass on my bike ride today to the beach**

**#3: Went to Scotland last weekend - it was amazing and one of my favorite cities!**

**#4: I'm heading to Galway on Friday to see the Cliffs of Moher - I'm SO excited!**

**#5: Here's Chapter 22, I hope you all like it!**

**As always, you can find me on Twitter - fearLIZness17**

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It was day number five in the hospital and all Olivia wanted to do was go home, wherever that happened to be. Kat had been the first one to step into her mother's hospital room that morning, she had finally convinced the squad that she could handle things. "Morning."

"Hi, sweetheart." She smiled at her daughter whose face had a complete look of fear on it and Olivia picked right up on it. "It's okay, I'm not going to bite."

Kat gave a sheepish look as Olivia patted the empty area on the side of her bed, "Dr. Wilson said that you were given the all clear to go home?"

"Yeah, a little later on today." She paused, "Are you doing okay?" Olivia knew that no one had probably asked Kat how she was coping with everything but with the look on her face when she walked in, gave away how incredibly frightened the teenager actually was.

The teenager hesitantly nodded, "Can we – just, not do this here? We'll talk about it at home, it's not worth it right now."

Before Olivia could answer, Meredith had walked in the room. She had a smile on her face as she looked at both Benson women. The young nurse hadn't formally met Kat until now, she of course had passed her in the waiting room but because she was so busy taking care of Olivia, she lost track of time. "You must be Kat," Meredith said as she held out her hand to shake, "I've heard a lot about you."

"Thanks, for you know, taking care of my Mom." Kat said gratefully, "I really appreciate it."

Meredith nodded her head as she turned to Olivia, "Just have to make sure you're all set to leave in a little while." She had made herself busy cleaning Olivia's wounds and making sure that everything was going smoothly, all while making small talk with the two. She learned that Kat was only seventeen and had considered becoming a doctor when she was younger but she switched to wanting to become an SVU Detective like her mother a few years back. Meredith smiled, "I bet you're going to make a great Detective someday."

The young nurse had excused herself to retrieve a wheelchair from somewhere down the hall so Olivia could be escorted out of the hospital and that's when Olivia asked her daughter the question that had been looming over her head for the past day. "Everyone keeps saying that I'm going home, but is that really where we're going?"

Kat sighed, it was supposed to be a surprise but considering how sad her mother looked, she decided to spill the beans, "It is. Everyone pitched in to fix up the apartment, Fin said that Tucker was in on it too. I guess he has a soft spot for the Benson's." Olivia had been hanging on every word that her daughter said and Kat continued, "I haven't seen it but from what everyone says, it might be even nicer than it was before." The teenager took her mother's hands in her own, "Look, I'm not really sure how everything is going to end up, but I just want you to know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia nodded but yet again, the moment was cut short when Meredith came back in the room, Nick was already downstairs, pulling the car around - the rest of the squad had already given Liv her well-wishes and said they would pop over in the next couple of days. With a smile, Meredith asked, "Are we ready to go home?"

"It's been a long time coming," Olivia sighed as Kat nodded along with that statement.

"I know you're probably not going to want to be lectured but I have to, hospital protocol, you know?" Meredith started, "But, just try not to over-do it. You're going to still be in a considerable amount of pain over the next few days, maybe even a couple weeks. Anyways, I know Dr. Wilson already gave you a prescription so you should be all set with that." Kat had been making a mental note of everything Meredith had said because Olivia wasn't really listening, "One more thing," Meredith had scribbled her personal contact information on a note-card and had handed it to Olivia, "This is my contact information, you call me day or night, anything you need and I'll be there. And once you're up to it, maybe grab a drink somewhere, I can never say no to a glass of wine." She winked at Olivia who had genuinely smiled for the first time since she got here and even managed to laugh.

"Thank you, Meredith. I really can't say that enough, you're a God send."

Getting Olivia into the wheelchair was a lot easier, both the nurse and the Detective had gotten surprisingly good at it, especially with the practice they had. After saying their final goodbyes, Kat had started to push the wheelchair down the hallways, towards the back entrance.

"Isn't the exit over the other way?" Olivia pointed to the right as she questioned her daughter.

"Nick's pulling around the back, I guess there's been people camped out waiting to catch a glimpse of you ever since you got admitted."

"Why would people wait that long? They're only wasting their own time." Olivia huffed as Kat turned a corner, walking down another hallway.

"Believe it or not, you're a hero to the city. It's been all over the news and in the papers."

Olivia didn't reply, she didn't want to be considered a hero and she most certainly didn't want her personal life being sent out the entire state of New York. She was an intensely private person, everyone in the 1-6 knew that but because of Lewis, her entire existence was placed under a microscope for all of humanity to look at.

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The car ride back to the apartment was long and quiet, no one felt like talking. There was traffic almost every which way they turned and the pain pills that Olivia was given at the hospital, had started to wear off. Each time the car hit the smallest bump, Olivia's ribs felt the brunt of it. Nick had caught her wincing and holding her good arm protectively over her middle a few times but no amount of "sorry" seemed to really comfort how she was feeling. She looked exhausted, her eyes had been aimlessly looking out the window for the beginning of the drive, but now they were closed as if she was off somewhere else.

When they arrived at the Benson apartment, Kat had opened Olivia's door who didn't really seem to be all there quite yet. There was a look that seemed like it was constantly etched on her face, a grimace of pain with every movement she made and this time was no different. Kat had asked her what she wanted to do, and Olivia insisted she was fine and that she could get out the car herself. The teenager had offered her hand for support but after a few minutes of struggling and at Nick's insistence, Olivia was soon scooped up and was being held by him. God, she hated feeling so dependent on others for things she could have easily done herself but when she saw the mountain of stairs, she knew in the back of her mind that there was no way she could have walked up unassisted.

Breaking her out of her thoughts, Nick spoke as he softly placed Liv standing as he took the majority of her weight, "Here we are, home sweet home."

Kat had opened the door and was already standing in the newly furnished apartment, you could barely tell that it had been destroyed just a few days prior. It was a nice surprise for Olivia but as soon as she stepped foot past the threshold, her eyes became still as she got caught up in a flashback.

_"Welcome home, Detective Benson." Lewis sneered as he pointed the gun at Olivia who already had her hands held up. "I've been waiting for you."_

_He had cornered her against the wall before he grabbed a fistful of her hair and threw her to the ground in the living room. She muffled a grunt as her face had narrowly missed the corner of the coffee table but as she turned around to attempt to get back up, Lewis was standing over her with his eyes giving off an evil stare. "This is going to be fun." The Beast grabbed her shoulder and pushed her body into the glass coffee table which was now a mess of shattered glass on the floor. "L-lewis, what are you doing?" She asked as he was pacing in front of her, debating on his next move._

_"What I should have done a long time ago," He said as his fist made contact with Olivia's right eye, almost instantly leaving a red mark that would later on bruise significantly. Her head turned to the side as one of her hands shot up to her face, attempting to gauge how badly her eye was hurt. She slowly stood up on shaking legs and tried to go after Lewis in order to try to subdue him but as soon as she even came close to him, Lewis shoved her into the kitchen counter. Almost immediately, she knew that one of her ribs had cracked from the brunt of her body weight crushed against the wood. Lewis held her down on the counter as he whispered in her ear, "Oh Olivia, when are you ever going to learn?"_

"Mom?" Kat had questioned as her mother was still frozen in place, staring at the living room floor. "Mom." She repeated again as she tried to gain Olivia's attention.

Nick had squeezed her shoulder ever so slightly in support, "Liv." Life came flooding back into her eyes as she looked at Kat who had been trying to ask a question for a few minutes now with no response. "Sorry, what?"

"It's okay," Kat replied, making sure her mother knew it was no fault of her own, "What do you think of the apartment? Nice, right?"

Olivia nodded, she turned to Nick and asked, "Who came up with the idea?"

"Fin," Nick replied, "There's no way that we could have let you guys come back here with how it looked before." He tried to avoid talking about Lewis, it was an extremely touchy subject for all parties involved and the last thing he wanted to do was upset anyone. Nick saw that Olivia was pretty quiet to which Kat suggested, "How about we get you into bed, you look like you could use some rest?"

She nodded at Nick who began to slowly walk her towards the back bedroom while Kat was rummaging through the bag of medication that Meredith had given Olivia at the hospital. One look at Olivia gave away how much pain she was actually in even though she was doing her best to hide it from the people who were trying to help her in whatever way they could. Both Nick and Kat knew that it was more about Olivia's pride than anything, she had always had trouble asking for help and this was definitely no exception.

Kat had made her way into the bedroom where she saw her mother finally laying down on the bed while Nick was sitting on the edge talking to her quietly. Olivia was still in the hospital scrubs that Meredith helped her put on after the shower and she had made no effort to ask to be helped into something else now that she was home. Truthfully, Olivia didn't really care what she was wearing, she was having trouble focusing on a lot of things mainly because of her pain level. Normally, her pain tolerance was incredibly high, everyone in the 1-6 always joked with her about it but this was different, so many things were broken that it was almost unbearable.

The small handful of pills in Kat's hand made their way into her mother's who gratefully accepted them without any argument – a small win. There was hardly any conversation, especially since her eyes were fighting to keep themselves open. Nick had already stood up, getting ready to leave the room while Kat had said, "We'll be out in the living room, we're here for whatever you need." The older Benson mumbled something that both Nick and Kat couldn't decipher and with that, they left her alone to rest.

* * *

Nick knew that it was in the best interest of both Olivia and Kat if he stayed the night but that conversation had yet to be had yet. Before Kat had given her mother the pain pills, Olivia was assuring Nick that she was fine and that there wasn't a reason to stay – it's not like she would have been awake anyways, the pain killers knocked her out almost immediately.

Kat had sat down on the couch with the TV remote in her hand as she flipped through the channel guide looking for something to watch, "She's down for the count."

He nodded, "She had a long day, I'm not surprised that she fell asleep as fast as she did." As a moment of silence filled the room, Nick spoke again, "Look, I can stay the night just to make sure everything's okay – I know that Liv's still pretty freaked about Lewis."

"She'll be freaked out for a while. I mean if you were her, wouldn't you be terrified?"

"Liv's a fighter, that's for sure." He paused, "Just glad that she's on the road to recovery though."

"She doesn't blame you, you know." Kat said as she looked at Nick who was aimlessly looking at the TV. The teenager knew that Nick was carrying around a lot of guilt for letting Liv leave the squad room the night that Cragen sent her on mandatory leave. Everyone, including Kat was carrying around some form of guilt about Olivia and Lewis – whether or not they made it known was a different story.

"She tell you that?" Nick questioned, both curious and also not wanting to really talk about his feelings with Kat. He had wanted to work things out for himself with Liv, whenever that ended up happening he didn't know.

Kat shook her head, "She didn't have to." Nick gave her a curious look as she continued talking, "She's not like that. You should know, being her partner and all."

"It'd be nice to hear her say that, once she's more like herself."

"She'll get there, it's just going to take a little while." Kat replied sympathetically. Lately, she had been full of philosophical answers despite the mess that her life currently was. She of all people just wanted her mother back, her world had turned upside down in a matter of seconds once she found out that Olivia was missing. Now, Kat along with the rest of the squad were trying to pick up whatever pieces they could. "You don't have to stay the night, I'm sure Zara would like to see you or something."

Nick had totally forgotten about Zara, she had been staying with his mother while he had been in the hospital with Olivia and also working on the Lewis case. Of course he had talked with her on the phone and seen her for a few minutes before he had crawled into bed to catch up on sleep but no significant time had been spent with his daughter – Maria would have been furious. "She's with my mother, I really don't mind staying at all."

The younger Benson looked at Amaro, "Nick, go home, see Zara. We'll be fine, it's not like we're going anywhere either." She paused, "I can handle this, and if something happens, which it won't, I'll call you."

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**As always, please don't forget to review! They make my day and it's always nice to hear feedback and thoughts! :)**


	23. Chapter 23

**So, since my last update:**

**#1: I went to the Cliffs of Moher, Galway and the Aran Islands - probably my absolute favorite trip in Ireland I've been on. Pictures seriously don't do each of them justice, everything was gorgeous!**

**#2: Fed some more cows - judge me all you want but I absolutely love them!**

**#3: I'm heading to Italy on Thursday, I'm going to Milan and Verona!**

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**A small rant about some reviews I've been getting about this story being unrealistic, especially the relationship between Liv and Kat:**

**The reason why I portray them the way they are and how each of them depend on one another so heavily is that I based it on my own experiences with my mother when she was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments for Stage 4 Breast Cancer a few years ago. My dad was traveling a lot for work so really, I was the only person old enough who was really there 24/7 - my aunts and uncles were around here and there but for the most part, it was me. Seeing my mom dwindle down to practically nothing over the course of a handful of months, soon to be years was incredibly heartbreaking - especially seeing how sick she really got and how dependent she became. The simplest of tasks that we all take for granted were a huge struggle for her and she was in a constant state of pain. I'll never forget the nights where I laid in bed with her and held her while she was sobbing or the times where she didn't make it to the bathroom in time to vomit - watching someone struggle to live and not being able to do anything to help is something that I'll always carry with me for the rest of my life. At the time, I was the same age as Kat (I turn 21 at the end of May), my mom around the same age as Liv. Thankfully, she's cancer-free and has been for almost 2 years now but that's my logic and thought process for all those who are wondering.**

** If you don't like the story or the way it's written, please keep your thoughts to yourself and move on.**

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**On a happier note, if you want to follow me on Twitter to keep up with SVU or my wonderful travel adventures abroad, you can find me/DM me or whatever you like - fearLIZness17**

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Kat must have fallen asleep on the couch after Nick left and truth be told, she was exhausted after the past couple of days. It was one of the better nights sleep that she had and when she remembered that her mother was in the back bedroom, she quickly shut off the soap opera that had been currently playing on the TV. Quietly making her way to her mother's bedroom, Kat slowly opened the door and much to her surprise, Olivia was awake. The teenager didn't even really know what she was expecting when she opened the door but seeing that her mother was awake, wasn't one of those things.

Olivia had been up for about ten minutes, she didn't really even feel like she had control over her body enough to make any movement so she had spent the better part of that time staring at the light coming in from the window. She didn't even notice her daughter open the door until Kat had sat down on the edge of the bed and said, "Morning."

The older Benson had been stuck in her thoughts and when Kat's voice broke the silence, her body flinched slightly to which the teenager softly said, "Hey, it's okay. It's just me. You're safe." Kat nodded her head reassuringly at her mother who just seemed to lay there in silence, "How are you feeling?"

"Okay, I guess." Olivia replied, obviously lying to try to lessen how she was really feeling but Kat read right through it.

"Mom, I'm asking because I care – not because I'm trying to make small talk."

Olivia nodded her head in understanding, wondering how her daughter had become so good at reading into other people's emotions. "Sore, tired, stiff," she paused and whispered quietly, "It hurts, babe."

She took her mother's good hand in her own, "I'll go get your painkillers. Do you want to stay here or do you want to try to lay on the couch while I make you something to eat?" Debating on what she wanted to do, Olivia decided that she wanted to stay in the bedroom – it was too much of an effort to move and quite honestly, she didn't think she had the stamina to get herself to the couch.

"What do you feel like eating for breakfast? Anything is up for grabs." Kat asked, hoping that her mother felt like eating with the medication she was on. She knew that in the hospital, Olivia was barely eating and Kat didn't blame her – after going toe to toe with Lewis, everything would be unappetizing. "Toast? Pancakes? A waffle? Cereal?" Kat began to give her mother some options, praying that she would pick one.

She wasn't hungry, not even close but rather than putting up a fight with Kat who was only trying to help, she replied, "Toast, please?"

Within ten minutes, Kat had returned with two pieces of buttered toast topped with grape jelly that she knew her mother loved. She also had a glass of water and a handful of pills that Olivia had been prescribed by Dr. Wilson. Olivia had closed her eyes, trying to get her mind to escape from the reality she was in and when Kat had set the plate on her mother's lap, everything fell back into place. "Mom?" Kat asked, "I'm back, with everything."

The painkillers were placed in her hand to which she immediately dry swallowed them a little too easily for Kat's liking who was still trying to help her mother sit up in bed to eat. Once she was settled in a position that caused her the least amount of pain, the older Benson began to pick at the toast on her plate. Her stomach had been doing flips ever since she had woken up and she was terrified that she was going to vomit – something she was trying to avoid, especially with all of her broken ribs. A few bites of her toast went down fine and before long, she had finished both pieces and she was just about to take the last sip of water.

Kat was incredibly satisfied at her mother's effort to eat some solid food, it was yet another small win for both Benson's, more-so for Olivia. "You did good, Mom." Kat praised, "Do you want me to leave you to rest? I'm sure you're exhausted."

"Stay?" Olivia hesitantly asked, her nerves were still shot to hell and the last thing she wanted was to have Kat feel like she was being abandoned because she refused to show any emotions or needs.

* * *

_It had been an incredibly long and stressful day at SVU to say the least, both Olivia and Elliot were at their wits ends – neither of them had slept more than a few hours. Jenna had walked into the squad room, a look of fear etched on her face. She was incredibly jumpy and when she spoke, nothing seemed to make sense. Her mother had been killed and both Benson and Stabler had worked effortlessly to try to find the perp, who was now sitting in the cage awaiting transfer. As soon as he saw Jenna, that's when he began to taunt her, "Your mother was amazing, she never wanted it to end." He sneered, "She's everything you could have ever wanted in a woman, and more."_

_Jenna had turned around and pulled out her gun, immediately point it at the perp who was defenseless in the cage. "Go ahead, shoot me." He pleaded, "You know you want to pull that trigger."_

_Without any hesitation, three shots were fired off, instantly sending the perp to the ground – a pool of blood was getting larger around his body by each passing second. Olivia had been behind her desk while Elliot had his gun pointed at Jenna who had shot at a secretary. As soon as Jenna pulled that trigger for a fourth time, Elliot's finger pulled his. Her body sank to the floor, blood seeping out of the wound in her chest. He rushed over to Jenna as she confessed, "I just bought it off the street, it was easy" before her eyes closed for the last time and her life ceased to exist._

_That was also the last day that Olivia saw her partner. Elliot had quickly been ushered out of the squad room by none other than Tucker and the rest of his IAB rats whereas Olivia had been taken into Cragen's office to give her statement. When she was finally released, she had gone straight to Elliot's house to find him. Kathy had answered the door and to Olivia's horror, she explained that Elliot had packed up a gym bag only to walk out the door with little to no explanation about where he was going._

_She had tried to search for him at all of their old hangout spots except this time, Elliot was nowhere to be found and Olivia was frantic. He wasn't allowed to just up and leave after something like that, they always had each others backs no matter what. She had fought tooth and nail when giving her statement that it was a good shooting, that Jenna was not only a danger to herself but to the entire squad room. She had left him a handful of voice-mail messages hoping that in some miracle, he would pick up but her hopes were dashed when she heard the familiar "It's Elliot, I'll call you back later."_

_Weeks had passed with no word from her partner and best friend, it'd be a lie to say that she was a wreck. Everyone in the squad room had been walking on egg shells around Olivia, no one wanted to bring up the man who disappeared. His desk hadn't been touched and looking at it was only more painful because the person she loved wasn't sitting behind it. There were two new members of the squad now, Nick from Narcotics and Amanda had transferred up from Atlanta – she had the duty of training them both, much to her dismay. It was hard to train one rookie, let alone two and Olivia was on the verge of losing it._

_Cragen had called her into his office at the end of a particularly slow day, she was just about to yell at Nick who had made some kind of off-handed joke but stopped once she heard the firmness in her Captain's voice. Olivia was now standing in Cragen's office, a place she had become all too familiar with throughout her partnership with Elliot, they always seemed to get into some kind of trouble together. "Close the door," Cragen told her._

_"Cap, really. It's not a big deal, he shouldn't have made that joke."_

_"Olivia," he pushed again, "shut the door."_

_She had just shut the door and as she was turning around, that's when she saw the somber look on Cragen's face. "Elliot put his papers in this morning."_

_Tears had immediately began to pool in her eyes as she heard those words pierce the air, "He deserved it."_

_Cragen nodded his head in agreement, "Do you need to take a day?"_

_"No," she shook her head adamantly, "I'm okay."_

_He disagreed, Don knew how deep their partnership ran and the fact that Elliot left like this was probably destroying her, "Liv, I'm sorry."_

_She bit her lip out of pure frustration and exasperation, "Me too." Walking out of Cragen's office was a feat in and of itself, especially with the prying eyes of everyone in the squad room. Fin had gotten a call about a new victim at Mercy and asked if she was up to riding along, an offer to which she refused. Olivia needed time to herself, she grabbed her jacket and walked out of the squad room leaving everyone a little bit surprised. The better part of her drive home had been spent holding back the tears that threatened to spill over at any minute, she couldn't cry because if she did, she didn't know how she would stop._

_Olivia had walked into the apartment and passed a 15 year old Kat who had just sat down to watch TV. She kept walking until she finally reached her bedroom, to which she quietly closed the door. Kat knew it must have been a hard day at SVU, there were only a handful of times that her mother locked herself in her room. The teenager couldn't help but wonder about what possibly could have happened, her mother seemed especially off almost like she just lived through the worst day of her life. Quietly opening her mother's bedroom door, that's when Kat saw Olivia curled up in the queen sized bed, her back to the door, most likely fighting back tears. As the teenager moved closer to sit on the bed, that's when she heard the distinct sound of crying. In the softest voice she could manage Kat said, "Mom, hey, hey, what's wrong?"_

_It took a little bit of coaxing on Kat's part to make Olivia turn towards her but when she finally did, it broke Kat's heart. She had never seen her mother cry up until that very point and truthfully, it frightened her to think that something awful must have happened for Olivia to come home like this. The teenager had moved herself closer to her mother, wrapping her arms around the eldest Benson. Olivia fought the embrace but as soon as the memories of the day came back into her mind, that's when the flood gate of tears opened. Kat had been running her hand mindlessly through her mother's hair as a sign of comfort to the woman who seemed to be broken beyond repair. "Sh, it's okay. You're alright, I'm here," she said as she whispered to her almost inconsolable mother. "What happened?"_

_Olivia shook her head as she clung to Kat's shirt tighter, the tears on a continuous cycle as they streamed down her face. She went to speak but the only thing that came out was another sob to which Kat soothingly replied, "I know, it's okay. It's over, you're alright." After a few attempts, the eldest Benson had finally managed to choke out, "He-he's n-not coming ba-back."_

_Kat had been rubbing small circles on her mother's back trying to comfort her in whatever way she could but nothing really seemed to have worked, "Who's not coming back, Mom?"_

_"He-he's n-not coming ba-back," she choked out again, the only sentence that she could manage._

_The youngest Benson had been trying to figure out what her mother meant so she questioned, "Who? Cragen? Fin? Munch? Elliot?"_

_"El-Elliot," Olivia sobbed, "He's go-gone."_

She had woken up teary-eyed with a shooting pain in her ribs, she desperately wished that she hadn't had the dream about her old partner – she couldn't handle the emotional turmoil right now. Kat had been reading a book on the other side of the bed and when she heard her mother whimpering, that's when she knew something was wrong. When Kat slid her hand over to the middle of the bed, Olivia gratefully accepted the gesture. "It's okay, you're safe. I'm right here, I promise." Kat reassured, "What do you need me to do?" Olivia swallowed the growing lump in her throat as she barely whispered, "Hol-hold me, p-pl-please."

With Olivia now in her embrace, everything was still except for the occasional sniffle or whimper from the eldest Benson. The only thought on Olivia's mind was Elliot and how she desperately craved the familiarity of their partnership. He had been a constant in her life and now that everything was flipped upside down, she wanted him to tell her that everything was going to be okay. Olivia was sure that he must have seen her face plastered all over the news when Lewis kidnapped her but the radio silence going on two years now was something that she never quite got used to. Elliot always knew the right things to say and when words weren't enough, the smallest gestures were enough to calm her. He had been there for her since their first day at SVU; from the cases that hit a little too close to home, helping her get over the injuries she received on the job to standing by her side throughout her pregnancy and even helping raise Kat – the man did it all. There were the many times when they were both at each others throats but there had always been a pact between them that had been solidified by not only confirming that they were partners for better or worse but also by hypothetically giving each other a kidney. Anyone in SVU would say that it was incredibly hard to decipher where one started and the other ended, their partnership had been unwavering for more than a decade.

Kat had heard her mother whimpering Elliot's name and the fact that this was another thing that added to her mother's pain was a hard pill to swallow. Deep down, she knew that her mother was still deeply scarred by her partner's untimely exit but on painkillers, nothing was off limits.

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**Reviews make my day, I love reading how y'all like this story - suggestions are always welcome! :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: I went to Italy! I went to Verona and Milan, both of which are absolutely amazing places! The amount of gelato/wine/pasta/pizza I had will be a number I'll take to the grave with me, when in Italy, right?**

**#2: I'm heading to Spain today, I'm going to Barcelona and Madrid! I know ZERO Spanish so things could get interesting but I'm glad my friends can get by. Here's to all of the margaritas and sangria's I'll be having on the beach!**

**#3: This will be the last time I'll update here in Ireland (it's very sad) because I'm heading back to the States on May 7th. I could probably cry about it because I never ever want this trip to end and the adjustment going back to the US, at least for me, will be a huge struggle - it's going to take a long time to learn to love America after jet-setting all across Europe for 4 months.**

**#4: Not to worry though, you can follow all of my escapades/thoughts/travel adventures/SVU on Twitter - fearLIZness17**

* * *

Kat's teachers at school had been incredibly understanding as to why she couldn't be there, after all, it's not everyday that you go through the worst experience of your life. Maggie had been a huge help with bringing schoolwork that Kat had missed or relaying messages from the administrative staff. There were notes upon notes stuffed into each assignment of well-wishes and explanations about how there was no rush to get any of the work done – whenever it got handed in was good enough. The teenager had only added it to the rest of things she had to get done, she couldn't think about school right now.

Olivia had been moved to lay on the couch earlier that same morning, she needed a change of scenery and every second spent away from her bedroom was a sigh of relief. Lewis was a constant shadow that loomed in her room, he stood over her bed watching her suffer. She had felt a little bit better but her bandaged injuries were bothering her – the bandages needed to be changed and she could really use another shower. By some miracle, Olivia was able to sit up but Kat had stepped in to help her stand. "I'm fine, I can do this myself," she sighed, she just wanted to regain whatever independence she could. Olivia had slowly hobbled a few steps, carefully holding out her good hand to balance her body on nearby furniture. Kat was following close behind and when she saw her mother struggling by the reclining chair, that's when she stepped in. "Mom, don't do this." she softly said, "You're only going to cause yourself more pain."

The eldest Benson held up her hand to stop her daughter, "Babe," she was ever so slightly pleading with Kat, "I need to do this, please."

"What are you trying to prove?" Kat asked, trying to put some perspective on the situation, "You don't need to be a badass all the time. You went through a horrific experience, you're injured and clearly in pain. You're allowed to ask for help, it's expected."

Olivia was silent as she looked at her daughter who had only voiced her frustration out of pure love for her mother. She hated asking for help, in her mind it was considered a sign of weakness but she pushed herself a little too far this time. The eldest Benson reluctantly nodded at her daughter who quickly took on her mother's weight as they both walked into the back bedroom. "I want to take a shower, get these bandages changed." Kat didn't question her mother's request, but even though she sounded incredibly patronizing, she gave a list of instructions, "Don't get the cast wet, the water shouldn't be too hot either especially with your concussion. Don't lock the door, don't stay in too long – I'll be right outside if you need anything, okay?"

"Sure thing, Mom." Olivia sarcastically replied to her daughter, just before she shut the door.

* * *

She had managed to hobble out of the bathroom, dressed in one of her old academy t-shirts and yoga pants, her wet hair sprawled across her shoulders. It was far better than being stuck in the hospital scrubs she came home in but her now un-bandaged wounds were painfully rubbing up against her shirt. Moving slowly towards the bed, Kat had just walked in with the first aid kit that had been used a time or two over the years. "How do you want to do this?"

"I can do it," Liv quickly replied, "Don't you have schoolwork to catch up on?" She didn't want Kat to see how much Lewis had hurt her, she was better off staying in the dark.

Kat saw the apprehension in her mother's voice and she knew that she was trying to protect her. "I know what he did to you, Amanda told me." Pausing a few seconds to gauge how her mother was going to take this, she continued to talk, "I want to help, I'm here for you – whatever you need. I know you're trying to protect me but we're past that."

"I'm sorry," she apologized, the words bitter coming out of her mouth but she knew her daughter was right. "I need your help." Swallowing the bit of pain she was in, she voiced how her burns and cuts were feeling, "They're rubbing against my shirt and it's painful." Lifting the t-shirt up slightly and exposing the countless number of stitches that covered her torso and chest was shocking to the teenager. The injuries looked red and angry, her bruised skin a deep purple and the first aid kit seemed a little amateur for what needed to be done. Kat broke open the kit, reaching first for the alcohol swabs. She was incredibly hesitant to clean the angry looking injuries that covered her mothers body only to cause her more pain but it was necessary evil. Hearing her mother's cries each time the alcohol swab made contact with her skin caused Kat to bite her lip to hold back her own tears. "I'm so, so sorry, Mommy." Once each and every burn, cut and stitch was cleaned, the gauze had to be cut to the right size and delicately taped to Olivia's bruised skin. Kat had tried to make the process quick and painless but she was only seventeen, clearly not trained in the art of medicine. "Done," she exclaimed to a relieved Olivia who was in the middle of taking her second deep breath to attempt to calm herself down.

"I need to get out of here," Olivia sighed as she looked at her daughter. "I can't be in this room anymore."

Kat asked, "Do you want to lay back on the couch? The reclining chair? My room?"

The couch was where Lewis threw her down when he went on a rampage once she had discovered him in the hallway. She couldn't bear to lay there while memories of him flew through her mind. In the reclining chair, Lewis had sat there when he wasn't tormenting her. He had downed God knows how many beers and smoked an unholy amount of cigarettes as he plotted his next move. It would be impossible for her to think clearly while such evil had been there before. The one place in the entire apartment that Lewis hadn't touched was Kat's bedroom. He didn't care that the teenager existed or that Olivia had been holding out for her arrival home – Olivia was his main prize. Hearing no response from her mother, Kat pressed again, "Where do you want to go?"

A hint of exhaustion was in her voice that hadn't been there before, "Your room."

It was a short trip into the bedroom next door, it was still virtually untouched since Kat hadn't spent much time in it since Olivia came home. The bed had rarely been slept in and the piece that brought the most comfort to Olivia was that the bedroom hadn't been invaded by Lewis.

* * *

Fin and Amanda had said they were going to stop by with food and to see how everything was going and now that it was 4:30 in the afternoon, Kat knew they would be here any moment. She had made sure to text Amanda to say not to knock on the door when they arrived in order to avoid freaking out Olivia who had been asleep for about a half hour now.

Kat's phone had gone off signaling that both Detectives were at the door, they each had a key but in order to create those safety boundaries again, they had to wait to be let in. Both Fin and Amanda had given Kat a lengthy hug and placed the bags of food on the counter to which Amanda said, "Chinese, we know it's a Benson favorite."

Fin jumped in, "Should last you a while, but we can't let you starve. Nick and Cragen are bringing more food in the next few days. I even heard Tucker might show up one of these days with something." Amanda nudged her partner to be quiet, in case Olivia was nearby. No one wanted Tucker around and the fact that he had so willingly volunteered to bring something to the Benson house was a little nerve-wracking.

"Thanks guys," Kat smiled as she sat down on the couch, "It means a lot, really."

Amanda hadn't seen any sign of Liv anywhere, "She sleeping?"

"Yeah," Kat nodded, "She's been out for about a half hour or so, the painkillers she's on are pretty strong."

"How's she holding up?" Fin asked, "She happy to be out of the hospital?"

"She's okay considering, she's had a rough two days. The pain's really bad from what she's let on to, I don't blame her," Kat paused, "He really did a number on her."

"He's never getting away for this, we won't let him." Amanda reassured while Fin nodded his head in agreement. "Besides that, has she talked much about how she's doing?"

"She's been trying to protect me, always says she's fine and can do things on her own. I know that she doesn't like to ask for help but I wish she would, it's hard enough trying to force her to accept it." Kat was fiddling with her hands in her lap as she continued, "She let me help her change her bandages today, it was pretty rough to know that I was causing her pain – that's the last thing I want to do."

Fin quickly reassured Kat who seemed to be blaming herself, "Liv knows it wasn't intentional, Kat. It's good that you're helping, she can't afford to let anything get infected by trying to hold out on you."

"I guess so," Kat nodded, "She's had a few nightmares, she wakes up confused and terrified most of the time. Some are worse than others, but the one yesterday morning was pretty bad."

"What made this one different?" Amanda asked, softly pressing the teenager to continue confiding in both Detectives.

"She woke up whimpering with this look on her face that I'd only seen once before. I told her that she was safe and everything was okay, I asked her what she needed me to do." Kat paused, as she recalled the events of the previous morning, "She asked me to hold her, which I did almost immediately. I couldn't just leave her crying the way she was, you know?"

Fin replied, "It's good you were there for her, Kat."

"There's one more thing," Kat started as she looked at both Detectives, "She'd kill me if she knew I told you guys but when she was in my arms, she kept mumbling Elliot's name over and over. It was almost like she was re-living the day that she found out he put his papers in."

"I'm sure the painkillers might have been a factor." Amanda said before Fin cut her off, "Those two were made for each other, she's lying if she says that she doesn't relive that day deep down."

Kat sighed, "I'm sure that it was nothing and that I'm reading too much into this but I'm worried about her guys. She seemed really torn up about whatever she was thinking about, even if it was Elliot."

Amanda moved herself so she was sitting next to the teenager who looked absolutely terrified, "It's okay, sweetheart. It took a lot to bring that up to us but we'll do everything we can to help, that's a promise."

"I know she still calls him every once in a while except she doesn't know that I know about it or how it always goes to voice-mail." Kat really did admire Elliot, she considered him a father figure in her life who not only kept her mother from getting hurt but he deeply cared about both Benson's just as much as he did his own family. "I understand he had his reasons for leaving but I can't let her do this to herself, especially now that Lewis happened." Fighting back tears, she continued talking, "He means the world to her and I love her too much to let her suffer anymore."

"Do you want us to try to find him?" Fin questioned, he didn't think it was a good idea but he knew how deep their partnership had been. It was incredibly rare for two Detectives to have such great chemistry like Benson and Stabler did, let alone for twelve years.

"Whatever you have to do," Kat replied, "He has to at least know what happened to her. If he doesn't want to come after all this time, that's fine but the ball's in his court."

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**As always, reviews make me smile and let me know that people still like this story and are actually reading it. :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**SO very sorry it's taken me so long to update - I didn't plan it to be 3 weeks since my last update!**

**#1: I got back from Ireland on May 7th and it was a VERY VERY sad goodbye, I cried saying goodbye to my 26 best friends as they boarded their plane to JFK and I cried on the floor of the Dublin Airport for an hour and a half while I waited for my plane to Boston. If you're wondering if I cried as I boarded my own plane, the answer is YES. It's incredibly hard to leave a place that I fell in love with the second I stepped foot on Irish soil back in February. I'll never forget the experiences I had for the rest of my life, my body is physically in the US but my mind will always be in Ireland. I would move there tomorrow if someone asked me to, I'd literally drop everything and never look back - that's how much I loved it, hell, I still do! ****Feicfidh mé grá duit go deo na ndeor, Éire.**

**#2: Yes, I learned to speak Irish (Gaelic) while I was over there. That phrase above is: I'll love you forever and ever, Ireland. I also learned to speak Italian, French and Spanish so ya girl is very well cultured.**

**#3: I've been chilling ocean-side for about a week now, I still have 2 weeks left here at the beach and I'm loving life. It's the perfect getaway, life seriously doesn't get much better than this peeps. I've gone fishing everyday but have yet to catch anything, the fish won't win this time! I walk the beach at least twice a day looking for sea glass and I get a shade darker everyday when I lay out in the sun - life is PRETTY DAMN GOOD.**

**#4: This chapter may or may not make you cry, sorry about that?**

**#5: Question: Would you like to see more of how each Detective is struggling with Liv? Or do you just want me to focus on Amanda since she was mainly the one involved while Liv was missing and while she was in the hospital? HOLLA UR GIRL PLZ.**

**#6: As always, you can follow me on Twitter (I'm very interesting I swear) - fearLIZness17 or you can DM me any time to talk, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get to know all of you please and thank you. :)**

* * *

The 16th precinct had been quiet for a number of hours, not one victim had come in since the previous day and everyone was getting restless. Each Detective could only sit at their desks doing paperwork for so long before they either got distracted or began to joke around with one another. Fin was the first one to falter from the latest case he was wrapping up. "Hey Nick, I got a joke for you."

"Yeah? What's that?" Nick laughed from across the squad room as he looked up from the case he was working on.

"What does a nosey pepper do?"

Nick shook his head, "I don't know man, what?"

"Get Jalapeno business." Fin laughed as the butt of the joke rolled off of his tongue. "Your turn, big guy."

"Alright," Nick started out, "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?"

Fin shrugged his shoulders, "Jesus, I don't know."

"Sneakers!"

Cragen popped his head out of his office, looking at both Nick and Fin who were both busting out laughing at the corny jokes they were coming up with. "I got one for you wise guys." He paused as both of the Detective's attention turned, "How do you make Holy water?"

After a short burst of silence from both Nick and Fin, Cragen continued, "You boil the hell out of it!"

"If Munch was here, he'd have some sort of conspiracy about that one." Fin joked as he remembered how many times his ear was talked off about the latest story his partner had read about.

Nick looked over at Amanda who had been diligently working on her paper work all day, rarely stopping to take any kind of a reprieve. "Your turn, Rollins."

For the first time, she looked up from her desk. Her face had exhausted written all over it and she really wasn't in the mood to play along with the boys. Things weren't the same in the squad room without Olivia and no matter how much everyone tried to leave their baggage at the door, she couldn't seem to. The blonde Detective shook her head, "I'll sit this one out, next time?"

Fin and Nick both tried pushing her to join but each and every time, Amanda shook her head. She had been eye-ing the clock since they started joking around and it was just about the end of her shift. Grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair, she responded again, "Guys, not tonight, sorry."

Both Nick and Fin as well as Cragen had watched her walk out of the squad room in a hurry, none of them knew what was going on nor why Amanda was acting the opposite of herself. The majority of the time, she would have been right in the middle of the action, competing with everyone in the squad room to tell the best joke but tonight, she couldn't get out of the squad room fast enough.

"What's her deal today?" Nick asked as he looked towards Fin.

He shrugged his shoulders and turned to Cragen, "Beats me. You want one of us to go after her?"

"Leave her be, she has a lot on her plate as of late." Cragen said as he vouched for the blonde Detective. "Go home, the both of you. Maybe tomorrow you won't be taking up all the air in this squad room."

* * *

Amanda had rushed out of the squad room faster than normal, she couldn't sit at her desk and pretend that everything was okay. She knew the guys were just trying to make light of a very dark situation with Olivia but she couldn't stop thinking about the real issues at hand.

She had gotten into her car and from the second the sound of the engine could be heard, memories of moments with one of her closest friends had flooded her mind. Amanda was a sociable girl, she had that Southern charm that people tended to gravitate towards. She had never had any issues with making friends but after she left Atlanta a few years ago, things were never quite the same. Her mother took to drinking more than usual, occasionally adding pills into the mix and her sister Kim was still messing around with a guy who wasn't treating her as well as he should. Her friends from grade school were all married and having kids, they just didn't have time to keep up with the distance between Georgia and New York. Her colleagues back in Atlanta had turned their backs on her once Patton had gotten word that there was a transfer occurring – she was always thought to be a goodie two shoes, the transfer only made it worse. The only person who was semi-welcoming to her on the first day at SVU was Olivia but even then, it wasn't the type of welcome she was expecting.

_Stepping into the squad room for the first time was almost culture shock for her. There were phones ringing off the hook, uni's scurrying about like chickens with their heads cut off, a handful of victims were already talking to a few of the Detectives and here she was, fresh out of Georgia in a city she knew nothing about._

_Atlanta was rarely ever as busy as SVU currently was, Amanda could count the number of times it had been on one hand. Georgia did things a little differently than New York and it was apparent from the second she stepped off the elevator, almost walking right into Cragen._

_"You must be the transfer from Atlanta?"_

_She nodded as she held out her hand, "Rollins, Amanda. Nice to meet you."_

_"You picked a hell of a first day." He laughed as he continued, "Your desk is over there. Find Benson once you're finished, she's looking for you."_

_Olivia Benson was a household name in the Atlanta squad room, especially with Amanda. Occasionally there would be a news article in the local paper about a major case that had been solved, Olivia's name and picture on the front page. Olivia had a storied career at SVU and it was far from over, if Amanda could be half the cop that Olivia was, she would be satisfied. She'd be lying if she wasn't a little bit starstruck when she walked up to Olivia just moments after putting her things down at her new desk._

_Olivia was mid-conversation with a Uni who had screwed up a piece of paperwork that almost cost SVU a verdict on a recent case. Once the Uni scurried away, that's when Olivia turned towards the blonde Detective, "You must be the transfer, Dallas right?"_

_"Atlanta." Amanda corrected her although she felt incredibly stupid for doing so, "I'm Amanda, Amanda Rollins."_

_Olivia took a good look at the newbie standing in front of her, "You're late, don't let it happen again."_

Sitting in traffic, memory after memory came to mind. It was hard enough to know that Olivia was fighting the hardest battle of her life, let alone remember every second of contact you've had with her over the years.

_The crime scene was a mess, sirens and lights were flashing as ambulances and cop cars lined the street. Uni's were rushing in and out of the building, SWAT was waiting for orders nearby and the hostage team was trying to make contact to the young man on the fourth floor who was about to do something he would regret._

_Cragen was in the midst of an argument with the head of the hostage negotiation team, "She's going up there whether you like it or not, this is our case. The only reason why you were called here was to keep up appearances."_

_Looking at the entrance of the building, Amanda saw Olivia rushing past two members of the SWAT team, her brown hair flowing behind her as she was buckling up her vest. At the top of the stairs on the fourth floor, Olivia had just entered the room, completely unarmed. Mumbling could be heard through the closed door but nothing could be fully deciphered to get a full picture on what was going on. It was hard enough being harassed by SWAT, let alone knowing your colleague was in such a dangerous position._

_Liam had been holding a gun to his younger sister's head, his older sister watching horrified from the couch. He had asked for Olivia some time ago, he felt that she genuinely cared for what he was feeling. "Liam, think about what you're doing here. This doesn't have to happen. Give me the gun."_

_"How do you know that I don't have the guts to do this?"_

_Olivia sighed, her hands shot up once Liam pointed the gun at her, "I know that you're scared and don't understand the gravity of what you're doing. Let them go, Liam." She motioned towards both of his sisters who were huddled together by the door. "Take me, and let them go."_

_He reluctantly nodded after a few moments of thought, "Go."_

_Amanda had been standing with Nick in the hallway, she caught a glimpse of the fear that was written all over Olivia's face once the door had been opened. It was rare to see her caught up in her emotions, Olivia let herself get too attached and she was paying for it._

_"Take off your vest, Olivia." Liam instructed as he took three steps closer to Olivia, his gun still pointed at her._

_She complied, not wanting to go against his wishes. It was all part of the tactic, to let Liam be in control before she ultimately came out on top. "You win, you got me. It's over."_

_"You're giving up on me that easily?"_

_Outside the door, SWAT was waiting for their cue while Amanda was pacing back and forth. "You have to go in there, he's going to shoot."_

_One Uni responded rather sarcastically, "It doesn't work like that, you of all people should know, Detective."_

_"Liam, give me the gun. You can walk away from this, right here, right now." She paused as she held out her hand, "I will make sure nothing happens to you, I promise."_

_Five minutes of sheer silence was an eternity to all involved until three gunshots pierced the air._

_Pushing her way past SWAT and all the Uni's, Amanda ran into the room. She immediately regretted doing so once she saw Olivia laying in a pool of her own blood, two shots to her chest. Knowing she broke all sorts of protocol didn't phase her, Olivia had done the same for her when Amanda was shot just a few short months ago – it was the least she could do._

_"She's got two GSW's to the chest, it's a sucking chest wound!" Amanda yelled as the paramedics entered the room. "She's losing a lot of blood, fast!"_

_Olivia had turned her head to the side, she was barely conscious but still somehow holding on with whatever ounce of strength she had left. "Te-tell Kat."_

_"Tell Kat what?" Amanda questioned as she tried to keep Olivia talking, "Liv, you're going to be okay."_

_The brunette Detective coughed heavily as it became increasingly hard to breathe, "I-I'm s-so-sorry."_

* * *

Sobriety was a funny thing, every cop had some sort of an issue with the one thing that could make them forget the cases they've received or the days they've endured. Each Detective dealt with their demons in a different way, however, Lewis brought out the worst in each of them. Amanda was a tough cookie who never crumbled under pressure but after seeing Liv struggle in and out of the hospital, she was close to her breaking point. She was a frequent flyer in the casino on Rockaway Boulevard, Blackjack was her game. It was one that immediately sucked her in and it was incredibly difficult to back out of once she got on a streak. Losing, however, was an entirely different story - that's when she turned to alcohol. Amanda was walking down the street when outside of her apartment she found herself thinking about the very thing she promised both Cragen and Liv that she would never do again.

_She stood before Cragen after a particularly long day at the precinct and the only thing on her mind was when she was able to leave. Cragen's voice cut through the silence as he spoke, "Amanda, you may think that you're hiding something from me but I know."_

_Confused, Amanda asked, "What are you talking about, Cap?"_

_"It takes an addict to know an addict when he sees one, Rollins."_

_She had been fidgeting with her hands while Cragen's gaze was zeroing in on her, "Really, whatever rumor you heard about me, it's wrong."_

_Cragen took a step closer towards Amanda, placing a hand on her shoulder, "Your secret is safe with me, I promise." He paused as her blue eyes met his, "Let me just say this before you go. I have high expectations for you both here in this squad room and outside the walls of this precinct. The work we do here takes a toll on everyone in a different way, you'll learn in time or maybe you already have but that doesn't give you the excuse for you to wander off the path. I trust your judgment, you're a hell of a detective and you've fit right in here."_

_The blonde Detective was fighting back tears as she was trying incredibly hard not to full-blown sob in front of her Captain who she really admired. "I understand, Cap."_

_She was just about to walk out of the door of Cragen's office before he stopped her, "I was an alcoholic for years, I screwed up just about everything there was to screw up. I burned a lot of bridges along the way and I regret that. I didn't have anyone looking out for me and it took me a long time before I finally found myself again. What I'm saying is that, I get it. I know how it feels to want something so bad that you don't know how to function without it. I know all the best meetings, we can get you to one, if you're willing of course. Anyways, don't let yourself get away from who you are, before long, you'll be wandering down a road and believe me, it's a lonely one."_

It was nearing 9pm and she had been walking for close to an hour while simultaneously fighting back the dam of tears that threatened to break at any second. She didn't even know where she was walking to, she had no destination in mind, she just had to get out. Her world felt like it was closing in on her with every step she took and she was starting to question whether or not she would be able to find her way back home. She couldn't turn her mind off, images and memories were flooding into her head and the more she tried to fight them, the more she kept fighting back the tears. It was a quiet night on the streets and she had barely passed anyone save for the occasional homeless person who had already gone to sleep in their makeshift homes. Amanda found herself in front of a bar that she used to frequent with Fin when she first started out at SVU, it reminded her of the simpler times before Lewis shot everything to hell.

There was barely anyone drinking, it was after all, a Thursday night. She knew the bartender but she really wasn't in the mood for any conversation. As much as she hated her thoughts taking over, she couldn't help but want to be alone, lost in her world for a little while longer. Amanda found herself on the end seat of the bar, hidden by one of the support beams in the middle of the floor. She didn't even have to order a drink because the bartender had given her a free pass, he just summed it up as "you need it a hell of a lot more than anyone else in this place tonight." It was true and as much as she hated herself for succumbing to her vices, she just wanted to escape the reality she was living. One drink became two and two became three before she was now staring at a bewildered looking Fin. "What are you doing here?"

Fin sighed, "I thought I might find you here. I did after all introduce you to this place on one of our first runs."

"You don't need to babysit me, I'm fine." Amanda huffed as she took another swig of her drink.

"Like hell you are, you want to tell me about that stunt you pulled earlier in the squad room with me and Nick?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"That's bull and you know it, Rollins." Fin sarcastically said to his partner, "What's up with you lately, you haven't been yourself. You know it and I know it, so spill."

Amanda hesitated as she took a good look at her partner, "What are you, my therapist now?"

"Come on, 'Manda, I'm being serious. As your partner and as your friend, I wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you and how you're doing."

"Fin," She glared at him, "I'm fine, stop worrying about me. I'm a big girl, I can handle it."

There was a long pause as Amanda took another few sips of her drink while simultaneously trying to avoid eye contact with her partner and Fin who was trying to find the right words to say without causing anymore trauma. "This is about Liv, isn't it?"

The tears in her eyes that she had been fighting for hours were at the gates that threatened to burst at any second. Taking another sip of her drink and attempting to compose herself, Fin spoke again, "It's written all over your face, you blame yourself."

Amanda held up her hand to stop Fin from speaking, "I can't do this right now, please." Her voice had a hint of a pleading tone in it, she really was just trying to make sure she didn't break into a million pieces.

"'Manda, it's going to eat you alive if you don't let it out. Hell, it may even kill you." Fin said as he tried to reason with his partner who was obviously struggling immensely.

"You didn't see, the look she gave me." Amanda paused, "You didn't see the way she cried during her rape exam and held on to my hand so hard that I thought it was going to fall off. You didn't see the way that Kat clung to me every night because she didn't know when her mother was coming back and the way she cried in the cribs when she thought her mother was dead. You didn't see how Liv's face twisted in pain when I had to help her into the shower in the hospital or even how she cried in agony when I had to move her even the slightest bit. You didn't see her when she cried herself to sleep after thinking that Lewis was in the room with her or the face she made when I told her that her rape kit was already being processed by CSU. You didn't see the way she clung to me the first night at the hospital and cried the entire night because she was trying to process what happened to her." Amanda paused as the tears had long since taken over, "You don't, get to tell me that it's not my fault. I brought him into that precinct and look where we are now. He almost killed her, he tortured her and God knows what else. What kind of person am I to let that happen?"

Fin took her hands in his own as he tried to calm her down. A few people on the other side of the bar were staring but they both didn't pay them any attention. "You are the last person to blame. Hell, you aren't even on that list, you're far from it. You're crazy to think that she blames you for everything that happened."

"Am I?" Amanda asked, "Because it sure feels a hell of a lot different than that."

"I'm telling you that you are the last person that Liv blames. She's been through a lot but somehow, she always comes out on top. She's had it pretty rough, more-so than anyone I know and even though she isn't herself right now, she would kick your ass if she found out about this conversation. She's tough and has built a lot of walls over the years but being vulnerable isn't her strong suit, asking for help takes a lot of effort for her. She's had a lot of awful things happen to her over the years especially with her mom, Elliot leaving, Sealview and now this, the list goes on and on. I've known Liv for a long time and I've never known her to blame anyone, even after everything she's gone through."

Amanda sighed, "I can't help but think that every time I come around, I bring Lewis with me. Her eyes go wide as saucers whenever I dropped by when she was in the hospital. Her tears never seemed to stop when I was with her. I cause her to relive the worst experience of her life and I don't know if I can do it anymore, Fin. I really don't know how much longer I can do it."

Fin squeezed her hand ever so slightly as she finished the last of her drink, "I think that's a conversation that you need to have with her."

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**As always, reviews make me smile and make my day a billion times better. You all have been so amazing and lovely with every chapter, crazy to think that I hit the 25 chapter mark. Believe me, this story is far from over and that's thanks to you! :)**


	26. Chapter 26

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: I've found a bunch more sea glass in all different colors, I even found a blue the other day!**

**#2: I went to Provincetown for the day last Friday, I had never been before and it was pretty awesome! There's for sure a lot of interesting people to watch but the ocean is so pretty out there!**

**#3: I run everyday, at least 2, if not 3 miles. I'm slowly working my way up to 13.1 miles that I'm trying to run in the fall with my best friends - I'll keep ya posted on how that ends up!**

**#4: Anyways, here's Chapter 25; you might need a few tissues as a heads up!**

**#5: I'm on Twitter, should you want to get to know me (I promise I don't bite) - fearLIZness17**

**Happy reading! :)**

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Life was never easy for the Benson's and up until now, it seemed like the world was perpetually against them. Happiness was only a fleeting dream in the night that was constantly interrupted by the agony of a woman who was at the mercy of the world. The nightmares had been slowly getting worse and she felt like she was on the carousel that never stopped turning. Exhaustion was a forever friend and life as she knew it, before Lewis, was seemingly over. She knew recovering was going to be hard, she had been injured countless times before and she had always bounced back. This time, the tables had turned and no matter how much she tried to reason with herself, the pain and suffering were almost too much. The bad days outnumbered the good and she was at war with herself, today was no different.

She was leaning heavily against the kitchen counter, doing her best not to put weight on her ankle and making sure she didn't crack another rib in the process of finding something to eat. There was no shortage of food in the Benson household, it was constantly being delivered. Uni's, Kat's friends, her squad, all walks of life were showing up at her door, even Tucker showed up a time or two. From Chinese to Thai, Mexican to Italian and everything in between, she was incredibly lucky to have people around her that genuinely cared. Her appetite hadn't been much ever since Lewis put her in the hospital and no matter what she tried to do, she couldn't seem to get it back. There was a constant pit in her stomach that never vacated the premises, nausea would come and go but nothing would ever make its way back up. She thanked whatever God was listening that vomiting wasn't in the cards for her, she knew how painful it was to do with broken ribs and she hoped that she wouldn't see another day like that again in the future.

Shuffling around as she slowly made her way to the fridge, a lightning bolt of pain ripped through her abdomen. She was doing her best to bit her lip to save face with her daughter but the bolt was no match for her weakened state. She clutched the door of the fridge with her good hand and did her best to keep her knees from buckling underneath her body, her bandaged wrist was held protectively over her middle as a few tears escaped her clenched eyes.

Kat had heard her mother's whimpering and she immediately ran out to the kitchen, she had no idea how her mother had even gotten there in the first place, especially since they had been asleep not too long ago. "Mom!" She exclaimed as she saw her mother, clearly in extreme pain by her stance. "Hey, hey, it's okay. Let's get you to the couch, yeah?"

Olivia held up her hand to her daughter who was now at her side, fully ready to take on the eldest Benson's full weight. She began taking a few deep breaths which only aggravated her abdomen even more but she wasn't ready to quit, Olivia Benson wasn't a quitter.

It was heartbreaking for Kat to see her mother in such a state and the fact that she could do nothing, was a still bitter pill to swallow. Kat pushed through the bouts of whimpers that came from her mother, "Mom, let me help you."

Through her gritted teeth, she spoke, "I nee-need to do this, p-please." She slowly lifted her arm up to an open cupboard above her head, attempting to grab a ceramic bowl for the pasta she was planning to eat.

"Mom," Kat sighed as she placed her hand gently on her mother's back, "You're in pain, I know it and you know it. Let me help."

Olivia thought her fingers were securely wrapped around the blue ceramic bowl but as she attempted to pull it off the bottom of the shelf, the bowl came crashing down. It wasn't a clean break, the poor bowl was in a million shattered pieces that littered the kitchen floor. It was a crash that was a surprise to both Benson's but it was the last straw for an incredibly frustrated Olivia. Her good hand immediately made hard contact on the marble counter and she slammed the wood cupboard shut. Her entire body ached but she didn't care as anger filled every fiber, "God damn it!"

Kat froze, she didn't want her mother to hurt herself any further but she wanted to help in any way she could. She walked down the hallway adjacent to the kitchen to get the broom and quickly made her way back to Olivia who was still mumbling under her breath at what had happened. Kat bent down and started gathering the shattered ceramic pieces that were underfoot before Olivia stopped her. "No, I'll do it."

The teenager tried to protest, "But Mom," she paused, "I get it, you're frustrated. I'll clean up."

"No, you don't get it." Olivia snapped, "You have no idea."

"I do," Kat said as she stood up next to her mother, "You're angry at what happened to you and you have every right to be. Mom, you're a victim and it's expected."

"I don't ever want you to say that again. Do you hear me?" Olivia said as she gritted her teeth. "You have no idea what it's like to not be able to do even the most basic of things for yourself. Or what it's like to be in so much pain that you can hardly move. You have no idea what it's like to be on so much medication that half the time, you can't even tell which way is up. Even after all the pills," Olivia paused to attempt to stop the tears that threatened to spill over at any second, "I still hurt. I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at me. You have no idea how it feels to wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of these god damn nightmares." Olivia reflected as the tears slowly began to make racetracks down her cheeks, "I just wanted to do something for myself because I'm so sick and tired of feeling like an invalid. I lay around all day while everyone else slaves away at my beck and call." Her tears were in full force and were now coming down in a steady stream, "I'm broken into more pieces than I can count, babe. I just want to wake up from this nightmare."

From the time her mother had started to yell, Kat didn't know what to say. She knew Olivia had to vent out some of her frustrations but she was nowhere near prepared for the violent outburst she just witnessed. Her mother didn't have a violent bone in her body, and if she did, Kat had never seen it. She knew her mother meant well and the fact that Olivia was so dependent on everyone around her, it was incredibly hard for someone as independent as her mother to accept. It didn't surprise the teenager that Olivia was trying to preserve her dignity in whatever way she could, even if it meant hurting herself over making a bowl of spaghetti. Kat immediately regretted calling her mother a victim, she of all people knew how much that hurt and she felt nothing but empathy for the woman she so badly wanted to help. The teenager wrapped her arms around her mother as they both slowly sat on the ground, away from the broken ceramic pieces. "You're not broken, I promise. It takes a while to build yourself back up after things like this, that's all." Kat paused as her mother was trying to pull herself together, "I'm here, and I care, I truly care."

She was in a crumpled mess on the floor and she hated it, being weak was not a part of who she was and it killed her to think that she could barely fend for herself. She was never left alone, and constantly being in the company of her daughter, Olivia caught Kat with a look of pity in her eyes more times than one. If there was one thing Olivia hated, it was pity. She was already sobbing over the shattered bowl but thinking about people feeling sorry for her nearly pushed her to the point of no return. Kat's fingers were mindlessly running through her mother's long brown hair while she was doing the best she could to soothe the anguish. "Sh, sh, sh, you're okay, you're okay, I promise that this will all be over soon."

"Y-you do-don't know th-that," Olivia stuttered as the words came out in broken pieces, much like the bowl that lay shattered around her. "You-you don't k-know."

Kat sighed quietly as she was trying her hardest to keep her own emotions in check to not further upset her mother, "You're right, and I'm so so sorry, for everything." Kat paused as she realized her mother was hanging on to every word that the teenager spoke, "What I do know is that I'm so lucky to have someone as brave as you to look up to."

"I'm so-sorry, for all o-of this." The eldest Benson said as she brought her good hand up to her cheek, wiping the stray tears away from her eyes. "I di-didn't me-mean to,"

Before she could even finish her sentence, Kat jumped in when she saw that her mother was blaming herself for what just happened. "Hey, hey, no, don't do that."

"Kat, I -"

"Mom, look at me." Kat gently said as she positioned herself so she was facing her mother who was sitting with her back against the cupboards. Her hands enveloped the desolate woman's fragile hands but her mother refused to make eye contact. The teenager cautiously pushed again, "Look, Mom."

The older brunette shook her head as the tears started to well up in her eyes again, "Babe, please."

It took a few minutes of convincing and silence until Olivia was ready but even then, she was never ready for anything these days. Her brown eyes weren't full of empathy and compassion but were completely devoid of life, there was an emptiness inside a woman who had seemingly managed to overcome the most harrowing of circumstances. They weren't focused on anything in particular, if anything, her gaze seemed to go right through Kat. "Mom, you don't have anything to apologize for. You've done everything right and it's okay to get frustrated, I want you to. That's the only way I know that you're still there." The teenager paused as she tried incredibly hard to keep her mother's tearful gaze, "I know you feel that the world is closing in on you and that life is flipped upside-down but I want you to know that I'm here, I want to be here. If it's 2am and we're laying in your bed or if it's 4pm and we're sitting on the kitchen floor, I'm here."

It was eerily silent as Olivia blankly stared at her daughter. It was heartbreaking for her to comprehend that a sadistic man had changed not only her, but Kat as well. She went from a happy-go-lucky teenager to the nurse, advocate, friend and countless other adjectives over night; all because of a man by the name of William Lewis. Olivia was supposed to be the mother and Kat was supposed to be the carefree teenager who broke curfew and brought home boys that weren't good enough for the type of woman she was. Their roles were reversed and Olivia was on the verge of losing it. She couldn't bear to have her daughter be the caretaker any longer, it was too much for her non-existent emotions to handle.

"I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you and how awful I feel that you're struggling so much. I wish I could take all of your pain away and to end this nightmare but I can't, maybe in some far away universe, I could." Kat was rambling, mostly to fill the void but she couldn't help but feel some sort of responsibility for the ordeal they were both stuck in.

_It was their first night home from the hospital and that terrified Olivia to no end. She had a hoard of visitors coming and going throughout her stay in the hospital once she had given birth but now that she was totally alone, she couldn't help but feel scared. Elliot had driven them home, driving 5 miles per hour on the road because he had 'precious cargo' in the car with him. She had given him grief over it but in reality, she couldn't help but laugh at how goofy her partner could be. Even though he had 5 kids of his own, he had immediately taken to Kat from the second he laid eyes on her for the first time. Even if Mark wasn't in the picture, it made Olivia incredibly happy to have some sort of a father figure in her daughters life, even if it was her partner._

_Elliot had made sure that everything was ready for their arrival, the fridge was fully stocked and the nursery was ready to go. It was the least he could do for his partner who had already been through so much and it was something Olivia wasn't expecting but it was a nice surprise. She had been home for an hour before Elliot got to be too much. Hovering was something that he excelled at and it was only magnified with a newborn in the picture. She was exhausted and everything seemed to be okay as far as she could tell so Elliot was sent packing. He had offered to stay the night but she just wanted some alone time, a reasonable thing to want as a new mother._

_Kat had been an easy newborn in the first few hours, her feeding went smooth and things were looking up for Olivia who had some serious reservations about becoming a mother. She didn't have a mother who was in the running for mother of the year and she was trying so hard not to become Serena. The baby had taken a short nap before dinner and Liv had managed to sneak in a short nap which worked wonders for the already sleep-deprived detective. It was now approaching eleven and Kat was fast asleep in the bassinet next to Olivia's bed. She was ready for an easy night but she was rudely awakened by a screaming newborn just four hours later._

_Olivia was at her wits end, she had tried absolutely everything in the book to try to calm down her daughter but nothing seemed to work. She couldn't figure out what was making her daughter so upset and as a new mother, she was freaking out. Olivia was trying to keep it together, she had read in one of her "What to Expect When You're Expecting" books that babies can sense fear or distress. She didn't want to bring Kat to the hospital or take any drastic measures because she didn't _

_"Y'ello?" said, a tired voice on the other end of the phone as he spoke._

_"El?" She frantically called out, Olivia was having a hard time balancing the phone on her shoulder and trying to comfort a screaming newborn on the other arm._

_Elliot was more awake this time around and that's when the barrage of questions began, "Liv? What is it? What's wrong?"_

_"Can you come over?" She tearfully sighed, practically pleading with her partner as Kat only screamed louder, "I just need your help, please."_

_"I'll be there as soon as I can," He said as he threw the phone on the bed, scrambling to get his act together._

_She was pacing around her apartment, slightly bouncing her daughter in her arms in an attempt to calm her. The tears in her eyes were part exhaustion and part frustration at the fact she already screwed up on her first day as a mother. She didn't hear Elliot come in the door until he was at the doorway to the master bedroom. "Liv?"_

_Olivia turned around, her eyes full of unshed tears. A screaming newborn in her arms and a look of sheer exhaustion written all over her face, "She's been crying for hours, I've tried everything, El."_

_He gave her a sympathetic smile, "She sure is giving you a run for your money, huh?"_

_Crying had never been something Olivia did but she was losing her sanity, "I'm the world's worst mother, El. I can't even figure out what my own daughter needs."_

_"Hey, hey, that's not true." He said as he took a step closer to his partner and Kat, "Maureen cried the first 6 hours on her first day home, it happens to everyone Liv." He held his arms out for Kat, "Let Uncle Elliot see what he can do."_

_He had picked up a pacifier and gently slipped it into Kat's mouth, almost immediately calming her. "There you go, sweetheart. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Elliot kept talking to the alert newborn whose bright blue eyes were wandering around the room, "You sure scared your mom! You haven't been home for 24 hours and you're already giving her gray hair, aren't you?"_

_"Hey!" She laughed as she spoke through her tears while giving her partner the all-knowing glare she was famous for, "Elliot Stabler, you're treading on thin ice."_

_Elliot turned towards her, Kat securely cradled in the crook of his arm, "You're a great Mom, Liv. Don't ever doubt that for a second, I mean it. This little one got incredibly lucky."_

Olivia nodded ever so slightly as she slowly pulled herself out of her thoughts she constantly seemed to be stuck in. Olivia spoke in a hushed whisper that even Kat had trouble hearing, "I know, babe."

Kat gave a sympathetic smile and lightly squeezed her mother's hands that were still enveloped in her own. The teenager could almost always tell what was going on in her mothers head most of the time but lately, she had no idea what things, if any, her mother was thinking about. It was something which frightened Kat to no end, her mother constantly insisted that she was fine but they both knew it was a lie. "How about we get you to the couch and we work on having you tell me how you really feel? Pain, thoughts, everything."

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**As always, reviews make my day! :)**


	27. Chapter 27

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: I left the Cape, my 3 week stay was up! Naturally, I didn't want to leave the ocean but I had to.**

**#2: I'm taking an online summer science class and it's by far the worst decision I've ever made, so great job Liz!**

**#3: I'm heading to Alberta on Thursday for 10 days with my mom to pick up my younger sister from school. I've never been around that area before but I'm really excited! **

**#4: When I get back from Alberta, I turn right back around and leave for my best friend's farm in Amish country in NY- I'm staying there for a week to work and hang out! I'm super excited, it's a huge farm with a lot of cows (my favorite animal).**

**#5: Since I'm traveling so much, I won't be updating until I get back from Buffalo so that's roughly about 2 1/2 weeks from now. I KNOW, the knife in your heart twisted a little deeper and I'm very sorry about that.**

**#6: If you want to follow my travel adventures or even just laugh at my ridiculous life, toss me a follow on Twitter (I promise I won't disappoint) - fearLIZness17**

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It was barely noon and the day was already flipped upside-down for the eldest Benson. Sleep just wasn't in the cards anymore, no matter how exhausted she was. She was terrified to see Lewis in her dreams, he was the ghost that haunted her every thought. When she had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, she fell out of her bed because she didn't want to ask her daughter for help – the teenager had done enough. She had managed to pull herself back into bed but the fall tweaked her already broken ribs, causing further discomfort. Her head had been pounding going on four hours now and the lack of sleep made the threat of vomiting even more prevalent. She was on so many medications already that no matter how awful she truly felt, there was nothing that could be done for her. Tears were becoming her new best friend and she hated it, it was a sign of weakness – another item to add to her growing list of problems. She couldn't even count on two hands the amount of tears she had shed and the number was only getting bigger.

Kat couldn't help but feel incredibly sorry for the state that her mother seemed to be constantly stuck in. Olivia rarely ever smiled or laughed anymore, she had lost her joy for life. Her appetite was next to nothing and Kat held back tears every time she had to force her mother to take even a bite of food. There were stretches of days where her mother didn't speak a word, Kat's voice was the only sound that permeated the silence that seemed to always filled the Benson apartment. There were days when Olivia just wanted to be left alone and there were days where all she wanted to do was be held. Kat was always there for whatever her mother needed but she couldn't help but feel awful that Olivia wasn't truly recovering the way she should be. There was an intense pain and sadness that Kat had never seen before and truthfully, it scared her to think that if she turned her back for a second, her mother might be gone – it was a thought that never left her mind.

The teenager was sitting in her room, she had just gone in to check on her mother to which she found her somewhat in and out of sleep. She was silently thanking whatever God was listening that He managed to ease up on her mother for just a few minutes. Kat wanted to help in whatever way she could and the first idea that popped into her mind was the 1-6. They hadn't really gotten a chance to spend any significant amount of time with Liv since she got out of the hospital, she had always been asleep whenever each of them had dropped by with food. Kat dialed Amanda's number because she knew that the blonde Detective would actually pick up the phone on one of the first two rings – Fin, Amaro and Cragen had awful track records with their phone etiquette.

"Amanda?" Kat said as she heard the woman on the other line.

The blonde Detective frantically started talking, "Kat? What's wrong? Is it Liv? Where are you? Is everything okay?"

The teenager sighed as she tried to get a word in, "Amanda, hey." She paused as she waited for the frenzied Detective to calm down, "Everything is okay, I promise. Nothing happened, she's sleeping in her room."

"If you think I'm going to freak out, you're wrong. You can tell me."

Kat laughed, something she thought she almost forgot how to do. "I promise that everything is okay. That's not why I'm calling, it's about something else."

Amanda took a deep breath, "What's up?"

"I was just thinking that if you and the guys wanted to come over tonight, you're welcome to."

"Yeah!" Amanda excitedly replied, "I'll talk to the guys, count us in though. Is Liv okay with it?"

There were three seconds of silence on the phone before Kat replied, "No. She's been kind of desolate lately, not really herself but then again, she hasn't been since -"

The blonde Detective could hear the sorrow in the teenager's voice at the mention of Lewis so she quickly intervened, "I think it's really great what you're doing for your mother, she's lucky to have you looking out for her. The guys and I will be over around six?"

"Yeah, that's good." Kat smiled, "Just knock quietly or text me, I'll let you in."

* * *

Lazy days were a frequent occurrence in the Benson household and this afternoon was no different. Olivia had spent the day in her bed, only moving once to use the bathroom and even that, caused another tearful scenario that Kat was trying to avoid but ultimately couldn't. Kat had spent the better part of the afternoon catching up on the mountain of schoolwork that kept getting dropped off. She knew that her teachers didn't care when she turned it all in but she couldn't help but feel the need to at least start. The teenager didn't accomplish much because she was quietly dropping in on her mother to give her pain medication or just to check on her well-being.

Amanda had texted Kat at around 5:45pm giving her the heads up on when the squad would be at the apartment. That was fifteen minutes ago, and there was a quiet knock on the door to which Kat quickly answered.

Fin was the first to say hello to the teenager and a bear hug from each Detective followed suit for the girl who had endured so much in such a short time. "Thanks guys, I love you too." Kat said as she genuinely smiled at the four adults who stood in front of her.

"Is she asleep?" Amaro asked as he looked over at Kat.

"She has been all day." She sighed, remembering how depressed her mother seemed to really be. "I'll go get her, hold on a sec."

_The Beast was drunk, and high on power – something he got off on. Olivia was bound to one of the wooden dining room chairs with rope tied so tight, she thought her hands were going to fall off. She didn't know exactly how long she had been there, it felt like eternity but with Lewis, anything was possible. He had finally let up on the various forms of torture that he had been so transfixed on and Olivia was silently praying that she could make it out. The burns and lacerations that now covered her body were throbbing and she was having an incredibly hard time keeping it together. She couldn't falter with Lewis standing in front of her, if she showed any sign of weakness, it was game over – he said it himself. She had told Lewis to shoot her, it would make his life a hell of a lot easier and it would end her suffering – nonetheless, he didn't take the bait._

_He had been wandering around her living room, admiring all of the photographs she had hanging up. From past Christmas cards to school pictures, squad room candids to team photos and each photo meant a great deal to both Olivia and Kat. Lewis had picked up Kat's latest school picture, the teenager had come home so proud of the fact that hers came out the best. Lewis drunkenly slurred, "Whose this fine looking lady?"_

_Olivia glared at him, "None of your damn business, that's what."_

_He pulled out his gun and pointed it straight at the brunette Detective, "That was a little harsh, Detective." Lewis was playing with the trigger as Olivia was staring down the barrel of the gun once again, "How about we try that again? Whose this fine looking lady?"_

_She hesitated before quietly whispering, "My daughter."_

_"Couldn't hear you, Detective." He sneered, "You're going to have to speak up."_

_"Sh-she's my daughter."_

_Lewis gave a menacing smile as he raised an eyebrow in question, "Your daughter, huh?" He walked closer to Olivia who was trying so hard not to lose her cool, "She's a pretty one, I bet she's even better in bed."_

_"There's no way in hell." Olivia grumbled under her breath to which Lewis heard. This time, the gun was at her temple, "Now, now Olivia. I don't take no for answer, you know that."_

_The brunette Detective stood her ground, "You'll have to shoot me first before I ever let you touch her."_

_"We'll just have to see about that, won't we?" He said as his finger was nearing closer and closer to pulling the trigger, "Lights out, Olivia."_

She woke up screaming, she felt him all over her body. She could feel the barrel of the gun touching her temple and his warm breath on her neck. It was horrifying and repulsive, she just couldn't seem to break free from his grasp. The eldest Benson's body was paralyzed and the only thing she could do was cry out. Kat was already in the room, immediately sitting next to her mother who just couldn't seem to determine that it was just a dream. The teenager gently placed one hand on her mother's shoulder and the other taking her good hand to prevent injury. "It's okay, it was just a dream. I'm here, it's over. You're okay, I promise."

The eldest Benson cried out his name, "Lewis, no!"

Kat gently pulled her mother into a sitting position and held her, "Mom, it's Kat. He's not here, it's not real. He's in Bellevue, far away from here and he's not coming back – I won't let that happen."

She slowly began to come out of her nightmare as she clung to her daughter who kept reiterating the fact that Lewis was sitting in a jail cell and not in their apartment. "I-I'm sorry, b-b-babe."

"Hey, there's no need to be sorry." Kat reassured her mother, "I know that nightmare was the last thing you wanted to have and that you've been having a really tough time lately, I've seen it." She paused as her mother finally seemed to be calm enough to break the news that her squad was currently in the living room,

"There's a few friends here that I think you'd like to see, I know they'd like to see you."

"Amanda?" Liv asked as she looked towards her daughter, "They came?"

"Fin, Amaro and Cragen too," Kat said as she smiled, "They're way more fun for you to hang out with than your uncool teenage daughter."

* * *

Olivia was too exhausted to move out into the living room so the squad scattered themselves around her bedroom. Kat was sitting next to her mother, Amanda was sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed, Amaro and Fin were sitting on chairs they pulled in from the dining room whereas Cragen was standing against the wall by the closet. Each of the Detectives had heard the heartbreaking screams from Olivia's nightmare and the whimpering that soon followed once she had fully realized what had happened. Not one of them would wish that kind of pain on their worst enemy, they knew that Liv was having a tough time lately but they didn't really realize until they saw her face to face.

She had lost a considerable amount of weight from the medication she was on but also because of the lack of appetite and her constant fear that she was going to throw up from the over-bearing nausea. The tan complexion that she normally had was gone and replaced by a pale color. Her injuries seemed to look as bad as they did when she left the hospital, it was a concern but then again, the entire ordeal was. She was exhausted but the one thing that each Detective noticed was the look in her eyes she gave whenever she made eye-contact. There was a look of helplessness, and sorrow but most of all, incredible pain that came through in glimpses.

The conversation was kept light, with Nick stealing the show by telling a story about Zara and the latest dress-up game he was forced to play. "She's into Disney princesses now. God, she just can't get enough of them. Just when you think she's done, it comes back with a vengeance. Just last week, she caught me in a moment of weakness and the next thing I know, I'm getting a princess make-over: lipstick and all."

Fin joked, "Wow, I thought I would see pigs fly before I would ever hear that you've been playing around with lipstick."

"I knew that you were too pretty for it to be all natural, now I know that my partner uses lipstick when I'm not looking." Amanda said as she laughed, Cragen and Fin following suit.

Olivia was genuinely smiling as she softly chuckled to herself, she was trying not to laugh because of how unstable her ribs really were.

"There's that smile we all know and love," Cragen said from across the room, "We missed it, and you. It's been lonely without all of the chaos in my squad room."

Amanda piped up as she looked over at Amaro and Fin who were nodding in agreement, "If you want more, we'll gladly stir some up for you, Cap"

"You're going to make me bust another rib," Olivia jokingly said as she smiled at her friends who had done so much for her and Kat recently.

Amanda told stories about Frannie and the dog's latest escapades like chasing down a FedEx truck or accidentally eating an entire bag of dog treats that Amanda left on the counter one day. Fin was famous for his one-liners in the 16supth/sup precinct and a few of them slipped out every now and again, which only made Olivia laugh – something she desperately needed. Cragen broke out the rookie cop stories speaking about each of the Detectives and the number of funny screw-ups that they had up until now. The memories of times gone by were both heartwarming and hilarious to every Detective, even Kat who was finding out about certain things for the first time. Throughout the night, Olivia couldn't help but look around at her friends and silently thank them for everything they had done. She knew without a doubt that she wouldn't be sitting there had it not been for their determination and will to never give up on her when she was with Lewis.

* * *

Each of the Detectives had said their goodbyes to Liv who had been fighting to keep her eyes open, she insisted she was fine but everyone took that with a grain of salt. Each had a short moment with their best friend, sharing how grateful they were that she was doing better and how much they missed her at the precinct. Kat made sure that her mother was all squared away, reassuring her that she would be back as soon as she said goodbye to everyone. "I'll be back, I promise."

When the teenager came out, Amanda was standing in the living room. The blonde Detective lingered behind to check up on Kat who had taken the weight of her mother's ordeal on her shoulders, something that no teenager should do on their own. "How are you holding up?"

"She's fine, she had a rough day so she'll be down for the count in a few minutes." Kat said as she played around with the edges of her shirt.

Amanda pressed again, "I meant you, sweetheart. How are you doing?"

Kat hesitated, "I'm fine, really. It was rough at first, but I think I've gotten the hang of it now." The teenager paused as she looked at Amanda, "She's tough and I love her, I really don't know what I'd do without her."

"You're doing a great job, I hope you know that." Amanda smiled at Kat who looked absolutely wiped out, "She's lucky to have you, she needs every ounce of love and care that you've given her. She appreciates it more than you know, hell, we all do."

Kat smiled as tears began to pool in her eyes, "I know, she's just gone through so much and I don't want her to ever feel like she isn't worthy of rebuilding her life. It's been getting to her lately, she barely gets out of bed. She doesn't even talk half the time and she's in a constant state of pain, so much so that when she starts crying, it takes every fiber of my being not to break down with her."

"Oh, sweetheart." Amanda said as she pulled Kat into her embrace, "It's so hard to watch someone you love struggle. I'm sorry that you've had to take the weight of the world on your shoulders, life isn't fair and it takes a lifetime of wondering why bad things happen to good people." She was comforting the young brunette as best she could, in such a way that made Kat feel like the work she was doing was valid and hadn't gone unnoticed.

Kat gently pulled away from the embrace and looked at Amanda, "I'm just so tired, Amanda. I'm so, so tired." She hesitated for another second before she confessed one of her biggest fears, "I'm afraid to go to sleep at night because I don't want anything to happen to her. It would kill me to know that she needed me and I wasn't there."

Amanda let out a gentle sigh as she digested the information that was just shared, "You can't think like that, sweetheart. All those 'what-if's' will eat away at you, they'll kill you if you let it. Fear is nothing to be ashamed of, I promise." Amanda paused as she let Kat soak in the talk, "How about you pack a few things in your backpack and head to my place? Fin will stay with you, he and I drove together."

"What about my mom?"

"I'll stay with her. I won't let anything happen, I promise." Amanda reassuringly told a frightened looking Kat, "You're exhausted, sweetheart. Take the night off, I'll take good care of Liv."

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**As always, reviews make me smile so please don't hesitate to leave one! :)**


	28. Chapter 28

**Since I last updated, quite a number of things have happened:**

**#1: Canada was AMAZING. Banff, Jasper, Warner and Calgary were fantastic. Hiking in the Rockies was honestly the coolest thing I've ever done so far in my life. Swimming in lakes made by glaciers was pretty sweet too - freezing, but totally worth it! I walked in the middle of the interstate on the Icefields Parkway, pretty reckless but it made for a great picture! I saw 3 black bears and a grizzly bear too - not something you see everyday that's for sure!**

**#2: Living on the farm was SO much fun, I never wanted to leave. I herded cows, washed horses/donkeys, hung out with the Amish (literally) and they were so sassy/hilarious. I learned to drive the tractor, chased chickens around the barn, almost got charged by a 2600lb bull in the pasture and caught 14 fish in one night - couldn't even make that up if I tried. **

**#3: My online class still sucks, surprise surprise.**

**#4: I'm a camp counselor for the summer and camp starts on June 29th - I'M SO EXCITED! It's my 3rd summer working there and it's quite honestly the best job I've ever had - it's pretty awesome to get paid to play all day and relive your childhood.**

**#5: I'm not traveling the rest of the summer (internally crying about that) so I'll be around to write more and update maybe more frequently - we'll see if I can get my act together!**

**#6: I cried writing this chapter so you'll probably cry reading it, sorry?**

**#7: I'm on Twitter if you want to find out more about my hilarious escapades or even just talk to me, I won't bite I promise. I'm just the average 21 year old! - fearLIZness17**

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Kat had reluctantly gone downstairs after Amanda practically forced her to meet Fin in the car. It was in the teenager's best interests to take a night off because each Detective had discretely told Amanda to check in on Kat after they caught her fighting to keep her eyes open on a number of occasions. They all knew that she hadn't gone to school since Liv went missing and being the sole caregiver was hard on anyone, especially a teenager. Amanda had reassured Kat that everything would be fine about half a million times but the blonde Detective didn't mind because of how monumental this actually was for both Benson's. Amanda knew that Kat didn't want to leave her mother's side and she understood that Liv was especially fragile. It was going to be a tough road but she knew what she signed up for the second that Liv asked for her during her rape kit, there was no way that she was going to let either of them down, even if Liv had no idea that the blonde Detective was giving Kat a night to herself.

"Ready to go, missy?" Fin asked as he saw the teenager looking up at the apartment building.

Reluctantly, Kat responded, "Not really."

Fin put his arm around her as he took her backpack, "She'll be fine, I promise. She trusts Amanda and we love Liv too much to let anything happen to her."

"I just," Kat looked at Fin as they both got settled into the car, "She's had it so rough lately, I don't want her to think I'm abandoning her."

"She won't think that at all, kiddo." Fin reassured the genuinely frightened teenager, "It's been a tough road for the both of you and she's so grateful to have you helping her through this."

"What if she asks for me and I'm not there?"

"I'll make sure that you get to her, I promise." Fin said as he paused, looking in the rear-view mirror at Kat's eyes which were brimming with tears. "She's in good hands. You've worked so hard to protect her that we'd be idiots to take that credit away from you, it's all been you, Kat."

"Thanks, Fin." She said as she wiped the straggling tears from her cheeks, half laughing, "I'm sorry, I'm acting like a child. I shouldn't be blubbering like this."

"It's okay, Ace." Fin said, the mention of her nickname immediately drawing a smile to Kat's face, "You've done good so far."

"You haven't called me that in years that I almost forgot about it." Kat said as she smiled at Fin who was still driving.

Fin had always been a light in the dark for Kat and besides Elliot, he had been the first man to really take her under his wing. Despite the tough cop facade that Fin brought to the table, he was actually the biggest softie that Kat and Olivia knew. When Olivia would bring a young Kat into the squad room, Fin would always have a stash of her favorite candy and toys ready in his desk drawer for any occasion. He somehow managed to keep it under wraps from Olivia but regardless of the candy, Kat genuinely loved Fin. He was the best storyteller and had the best jokes, the kind that made you laugh so hard that you cried. When Olivia was swamped with paperwork and needed a break, he would take Kat down the street to get ice cream or to the playground in the park to burn off some energy. As Kat got older and started becoming involved in sports and extracurricular activities, Fin was the one without fail, could always be found sitting in the stands. He didn't have a daughter but he treated Kat like she was his own. When she went to prom last year, he put the fear of God in Kat's date – Fin even showed the kid his .9mm, he was serious.

Kat was thankful to always have someone looking out her, she'd probably be in jail if the squad hadn't set her straight on the off chance she went awry. She didn't just have her mother as a parent, the entire squad had taken on a role in the teenager's life. There was so much love and trust in every relationship she had that she probably wouldn't be where she was today without them.

* * *

_Olivia had been asleep going on 4 hours now, she had put herself to sleep after watching her mother walk down the street to the bar. The nine year old knew the routine down pat, it didn't take long to memorize. Serena Benson was a woman of few words at home, she avoided her daughter after work and she went to the bar just about every night to forget about the day she had. Olivia knew that her mother would come stumbling through the door in the wee hours of the morning but the one thing she never knew was her mother's mood. It was like a storm, calm one second and a downpour the next. Some nights, no matter how much she prepared herself, Olivia became the target for the rage built up inside her mother._

_She was exhausted and right on schedule, she heard her mother banging on the front door, fumbling to get it open. Olivia quietly crept out of bed and sat on the top of the stairs in the dark as she watched her mother finally free the hinge on the door. She knew the only reason why her mother was home right now was because the bartender cut her off. Serena was mumbling under her breath as she hastily made her way into the kitchen for the alcohol cabinet. It was more often than not stocked with everything one could imagine but because Serena had been intoxicated more than sober these past few weeks, the cabinet was empty. She was holding an empty glass bottle of vodka as she slammed the cupboard shut, she screamed, "Olivia!"_

_The nine year old froze at the top of the stairs as she saw her mother ravaging the downstairs in an attempt to find her._

_"Olivia!" Serena yelled angrily once again._

_Olivia jumped up from her place and before she could move, she was staring straight at her mother who was standing at the bottom of the stairs._

_"Thought you could get away, didn't you?"_

_The young child hesitantly nodded and before Serena could catch her, Olivia started running towards her bedroom closet. It was her safe place, one that she ran to when she tried to escape the harsh reality she was stuck in. Tonight, she was trying to escape her mother whom she knew was going to end up hurting her in some way._

_Serena could be heard screaming Olivia's name all over the upstairs and before Olivia knew it, her mother was standing right outside of the closet door. "I know you're in there," she said in a haunting tone. "Why don't you come out for your mother?"_

_Olivia closed her eyes tight, hoping to wake up from this god-awful nightmare that was her life. "No, I'm not coming out. You're drunk." As soon as she spoke, she instantly regretted it as her mother flung open the closet door. Serena lunged at her daughter, still holding the empty glass bottle of vodka in her hand. "You want to rethink that answer?"_

_The nine year old did her best to wriggle out of the small space and away from her mother's grasp but Serena held a tight grip on Olivia's leg. "You're not going anywhere, you good for nothing bitch."_

_"Mommy, let me go!" Olivia yelled, kicking her leg to try to loosen her mother's grip._

_Serena dragged her daughter towards her, setting the vodka bottle next to her on the floor before she raised her hand. She struck her daughter firmly on the back, "No, you don't get to tell me what to do." Serena yelled, "You're a disappointment to this family!"_

_Olivia stood up in front of her mother and stared straight into her eyes, "The only disappointment is you, you're a poor excuse for a mother." She was bold for a nine year old but at this point, no matter what Olivia said, her mother would forget about it in the morning when she sobered up._

_The older woman balled up her fist and took a swing at Olivia, making contact with her left eye. Serena was slurring her words left and right while simultaneously shouting, "You'd be dead right now if I had any choice in the matter."_

_She grasped the vodka bottle in her right hand and smashed it on the bed frame. The glass shattered and before Olivia could shield herself, fragments flew past her skin. A few of the sharper pieces nicked her uncovered skin, blood immediately began pouring out of the fresh wounds. Serena smiled as she stood up, she towered over Olivia who was doing her best not to cry – she couldn't let her mother win. Serena had the final word, as always, "You're worthless, you hear me? Worthless."_

Olivia woke up shaking, dreaming about her drunken mother was the last thing she needed right now. It was painful enough with her injuries but her mother's abuse ranked right up there. She didn't want to cry and even after everything, she couldn't. The tears were pricking at the edges of her eyes and she was slowly losing the war. It was like she was stuck in slow motion and the world around her was spinning circles. The nausea had come back with a vengeance and she could feel the bile making its way up her throat. It was the moment she was dreading the most, vomiting with broken ribs was easily the most painful feeling in the world and she was seconds away from losing it. She couldn't call out to Kat and before she could even attempt to move, the nausea won. Her throat burned, and no matter how hard she tried to prepare her ribs, the gagging only made it worse.

Amanda had been reading a magazine on the couch when she heard a few noises from the back bedroom. As she got closer, that's when she realized what was going on. She opened the door and when her eyes zeroed in on Olivia, her heart broke. The brunette Detective was laying on her side, propped up on her good arm and whimpering. The tears had long since spilled over as she looked at Amanda who was slowly making her way over to the bed. "I-I'm so-sorry."

The blonde Detective had nothing but complete empathy for Olivia, "Hey, hey it's okay. There's nothing to be sorry for, I promise."

Olivia couldn't focus on Amanda, she started to gag again as she vomited once more. She cried out in agony at the harsh stabbing sensation in her ribs and for the fact that she was so helpless. Amanda quickly intervened in a calming tone, "Let's get you to the bathroom, and then cleaned up." The blonde came around to the side of the bed, slowly helping Liv sit up. Liv whimpered under her breath at the quick movement but she knew it had to be done. Amanda slowly stood up with Liv clinging on to her for dear life, it was a struggle in and of itself for the brunette to stand, let alone walk. "I know, we're almost there. Do you feel like you're going to throw up again?"

Liv shook her head and spoke barely above a whisper, "N-no, I-I do-don't know." She was trying so hard to keep it together but at this point, her dignity and pride had long since flown out the window. It was destroying her to continue to suffer the way she has and each day felt like she was climbing Mount Everest.

Amanda placed herself sitting next to Liv who was leaning heavily on the blonde detective. She had tried drinking a glass of water and somehow managed to keep it down but Liv was absolutely terrified to throw up again. Every breath she took felt like her lungs were on fire and she didn't want to move another inch.

It was virtually silent in the bathroom, the only sound was Liv's staggered breathing. She was desperately trying to find a pattern that didn't cause her to feel like a thousand knives were stabbing her ribs. "I ca-n't d-do th-this any-anymore."

"I know," Amanda softly said, "You've had the toughest road to walk of anyone I've ever known."

"N-not t-that." Liv said as she slowly turned her head to look at Amanda, "Not th-at."

Amanda nodded, it was hard to see someone she admired so much struggling as hard as Olivia was. Guilt still consumed Amanda and no matter how much she tried to push it away, it came back time and time again.

"Whe-where's K-kat?" Liv asked, suddenly remembering that her daughter's presence was missing.

"I gave her the night off, she needed a break." Amanda confessed, "Fin's with her at my house. She's in good hands, don't worry."

Liv was noticeably calmer and the tears had stopped, "She's done everything and I haven't even asked, she just knows."

"You raised an incredible girl, Liv. She's compassionate, loving and deeply cares about everyone around her." Amanda smiled at how much she genuinely loved Kat, "If everyone in the world was more like Kat, we'd be a lot better off."

"She hasn't been sleeping, she thought I didn't know, but you could see it written all over her face. I know she has so many questions, she's just afraid to ask because she doesn't want to hurt me. She's protecting me, when I should be the one protecting her, you know?"

"She's just trying to make sense of what happened, her entire world was flipped six times over." Amanda said as she turned to Liv who was staring blankly at the wall ahead.

"You don't have to sugarcoat it." Liv quietly declared to a silent Amanda. "I'm not going to break or anything."

Amanda hesitated at the confession Kat told her the night before, "When you were asleep and we were all leaving, I stayed behind to check in on Kat and how she was doing. She had a lot on her plate and I knew it was starting to get to her, she looked exhausted. When I asked her how everything was, she started talking about you and how you were but when I asked about her, she was hesitant." Liv was playing with the loose string on the hem of her shirt so Amanda continued, "She confirmed the fact she was so tired but she said that she was afraid to go to sleep at night, in case you needed her. It would have killed her to know that you needed her and she wasn't there in time, it's her biggest fear."

Liv wiped a few stray tears out of her eyes, she was so sick of crying but anything could break the dam these days. "That's why I hide things from her, so she doesn't have to worry so much about me. It kills me to have to do it but it's the only way she'll get even five minutes of sleep. I can't be mad at her, she's just trying to help and I love her immensely for it but she's only seventeen. She shouldn't be trying to hold the weight of the world on her shoulders."

"She's terrified to lose you, she made herself sick when you were missing. It was heart-wrenching, she convinced herself that she wasn't going to see you again, that he killed you, and if she would have gone home that night, things would have been different. The 'what-if's' ate her alive, Liv."

"They still are, I see it every time she looks at me. She's hesitant and afraid that I'll break into a million pieces if she talks about how she's feeling. I know she's afraid and I wish that life didn't end up like this. A lot of people have walked out on her and in the back of her mind, she's petrified that I'll walk out too."

Amanda sighed, "She's a fighter and she never falters but there comes a point where she can't take on everything by herself. She's afraid to ask for help because of what you'll say or how you'll react when she's not there. It took about 20 minutes of convincing her last night that you were going to be okay before she actually went with Fin. She's in a constant state of disbelief in such a way that she's always preparing herself for worst-case scenarios."

"It kills me to know that she's afraid to live her life because of what he did to me."

Amanda nodded, "It takes time, Liv. Things like that take a lot of stepping stones to get back to where she was before Lewis." She shuddered even mentioning his name after all he did to almost destroy a family.

"She wants to know the full story, and I don't blame her for wanting to. I sheltered her, I pushed her away when all she wanted was to see even a glimpse of me to know that I was still here. I didn't want her to see me one step away from death's door." Liv choked up a little bit as she remembered how close she really came to dying, "I knew she was going to come into my room one day when you guys weren't looking. As excruciating as it was, I held her all night as she cried for a thousand reasons. I yelled at her the other day, and I regret that."

"She mentioned it and from what I gathered, she understood why. She still loves you just the same, Liv."

"I want to tell her everything, and I will in time. It's hard to intervene how you almost died into everyday conversation and sometimes I wish she wold just ask. She's barely eating lately, she's been so distracted taking care of me that she forgot to take care of herself."

"It's hard watching someone you love dwindle before your eyes. She's fighting the best way she knows how and no matter how much she tries, she's still a kid."

Liv sighed as she turned her head back at Amanda, "She blames herself, and so do you."

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**As always, I'd love it if you left a review. They're awesome and make my day a whole lot brighter! :)**


	29. Chapter 29

**In the 2 days since I've last updated, I have:**

**#1: Watched 9 episodes and counting of OITNB (Season 3) and there's no stopping me now - I personally identify with Suzanne Warren, she speaks to me on a spiritual level and Taystee's knowledge of Harry Potter gives me life.**

**#2: Written this chapter because I clearly make great use of my time.**

**#3: Also, thankful for everyone who's made me get my ass in gear to update tonight. I've been sitting on this chapter for a while. If ya have any suggestions/comments - throw them my way and I'll see if I can work my magic.**

**#4: If y'all want to laugh at my hilarious recklessness and my love for all things SVU, head over to Twitter to find me or talk to me, I promise I'm the least intimidating person you'll ever meet! - fearLIZness17**

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They had been sitting on the bathroom floor for hours, neither Olivia nor Amanda felt like moving. Olivia was incredibly content to sit still and most of all, to be sitting in a room that Lewis for the most part, hadn't touched. The conversation had wandered from topic to topic, it was nice for Olivia to express herself to someone who genuinely understood. Amanda hadn't always been a close friend, it had taken years of working together before Olivia even felt remotely compelled to have a casual drink after work with her. On Amanda's first day, Olivia had still been reeling from Elliot's departure months earlier and from the stress of training a rookie that she barely gave the blonde the time of day. It's not that she had anything against the transfer from Atlanta, she just didn't care to indulge in a friendship that would one day end – not many people lasted in SVU for more than a few months. The two of them were partnered a number of times, especially on particularly tough cases and only then, ones where it took absolutely every fiber of their being not to give up, their friendship became solidified. Olivia was always impressed with Amanda's persistence and will to never give up until the case was closed, the blonde Detective reminded Olivia a lot of herself in more ways than one.

It was silent for a while, the conversation came to a screaming halt when Liv mentioned that she knew Amanda blamed herself. It was easy to tell, Amanda's demeanor had changed and she wasn't the same spitfire of a southerner that Olivia grew to appreciate. Olivia was ultimately the one to break the deafening silence, "You blame yourself for what happened, am I right?"

Amanda wanted so badly to shrug it off and keep her guilt close to the vest, she didn't want to burden one of her closest friends with the extra baggage when Olivia was struggling so much already. "I'm fine, you shouldn't worry about me." Amanda was avoiding eye-contact, she so desperately wanted to come clean but couldn't face her guilt.

"Rollins," Olivia sighed as she turned her head slightly, "Look at me."

"Please," Amanda pleaded as she fiddled with her hands in her lap. She shook her head, her voice cracking slightly, "Not now."

Liv took her good hand and gently reached for Amanda's hands. Rollins had initially fought the simple gesture but succumbed to the need for forgiveness. Liv softly pushed again, "I need you to look at me."

Slowly but surely, the blonde Detective reluctantly made eye contact. Her blue eyes weren't focused on Olivia, they seemed to look straight through, almost as if Olivia wasn't there. It was less than ideal and Benson knew that if she didn't act quickly, Amanda would shut down completely. "I know you blame yourself, I see it every single time that you come around. Talk to me, I want you to tell me straight."

"I should be the least of your worries, Liv." Amanda whispered so softly that Olivia almost didn't catch it. "You have enough on your plate."

"Bullshit, you know it and I know it." She gently squeezed Amanda's hands to keep her attention, "I'm not going to break, there's nothing you can say that will shock me or make me freak out. We're sitting on the bathroom floor for Christ's sake and at this point, it's safe to say I've heard it all."

The tears had already started to well up in Amanda's eyes, she could feel the burning sensation as she did her best to fight them off. "If I didn't bring him into the precinct, this wouldn't have happened."

"He would have eventually targeted someone else, he's a sociopath. One wrong move, you're gone." Olivia sighed, she knew that Amanda's guilt ran deeper than what she was originally letting on to and she hoped that she could at least break down one wall in an attempt to ease some of the remorse Rollins was feeling. "You took him off the streets, you listened to your gut. If anyone needs to be pinpointed, it's me. I went at him too hard."

"He should have gone after me," Amanda bluntly threw out the comment, "You didn't deserve this."

"It's okay -" Before Olivia could finish her sentence, Amanda tearfully interrupted, "No! None of this is even remotely okay. Maybe in some sick, twisted, alternate world but not here."

"Do you hear yourself right now?" Liv questioned the Detective that was falling apart in front of her own eyes, "He had his mind made up the second he walked into the squad room. He knew who his target was going to be and he never let on to who it was until he showed up in my apartment that night. That's not on you, that's on the type of man that he is."

"Every time that I came around in the hospital, I couldn't help but think that I brought a piece of him with me." Amanda confessed, she was terrified to know the answer, it was a statement that ate her alive from the second she stepped foot in Mercy. "Your eyes would go wide as saucers and the tears never seemed to let up." Her voice had been cracking throughout her speech and she was desperately trying to hold it together but no matter how much she tried, she started to lose it. "I cause you to relive t-th-the worst ex-experience of your l-li-ife every time I-I come around."

Olivia sighed and her eyes felt nothing but complete empathy for the woman crumbling before her very eyes. Amanda was tough as hell but Olivia knew that she took things like this to heart, more-so than anyone else she knew. "Everything was a blur for me, I knew who everyone was but I didn't know what was happening to me. The nurses weren't talking to me, I felt invisible. I knew I was in the hospital and who put me there but I was petrified he would find me. Things were out of my control and my life was slipping down a slippery slope all because of one man." She paused as she collected her emotions, she couldn't afford to break down at a time like this, "Between the medication and the pain, I was a wreck and I still am. I can't function as a normal human being and it's frustrating, I have no control over anything. That's not on you, Amanda."

The blonde Detective immediately went quiet, the wheels were turning in her head as she continued to stare at the floor. She couldn't imagine a moment where Liv wasn't struggling with something, her entire life had been periods of struggle and strife up until that point. The tears were freely flowing down her face as she slowly turned her head to look at the brunette, "Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does the world have to spin on the principle of inherent tragedy?"

Olivia softly spoke, "I wish I knew, Rollins." She had gently pulled Amanda into her embrace in an attempt to soothe the guilt-ridden woman. "People spend a lifetime of wondering and asking themselves those exact questions. The majority of them die before they ever figure out the answer but life goes on without them."

"Ain't life a bitch." Amanda quietly whispered, her Southern accent more prominent. "I'm sorry, for everything."

"I'm telling you this as your friend and because I don't want to see you go down this road," Liv paused as she took a deep breath, her ribs still throbbing from the vomiting earlier. "I don't want your apology, now or ever. I don't blame you, not for a damn thing. I don't want you to ever think that this is somehow your fault, because it's not. If anything, you've been a godsend."

She wiped away her tears as she composed herself and half laughing, "Here I am, crying on the bathroom floor when I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you."

"I want you to talk to me about these things," Liv meant every word, "You've known me long enough to know that I truly care, regardless of the physical or emotional state I'm in."

* * *

Amanda had heated up a few pieces of Chicken Parmesan for the two of them. While Amanda had quickly eaten her share, Olivia had barely touched her plate. She was terrified to vomit and she didn't know if her stomach could hold down anything other than water. Olivia didn't have to hide it, Amanda immediately knew and stepped in. "We can try again later, maybe some toast or crackers. Don't force it, really."

Olivia was relieved, she didn't want to have a repeat of earlier. She knew she should eat something but the fear wracked her body. "Yeah, that'd be fine I guess."

The sheets on the bed had been changed and Amanda had helped Liv settle back in. She could tell that the brunette was absolutely exhausted but she didn't seem remotely ready to lose herself to sleep quite yet. Liv didn't want to be alone and she somehow gave Amanda a look that made her know she should stay in the room a little while longer. Rollins sat cross-legged on the side of the bed and decided to lighten the mood, "Favorite color?"

"Blue, like the ocean." She replied, "I've always found the sound of the waves to be calming. Yours?"

"Green," Amanda smiled, "like the grass. There's so many fields in Georgia, as far as the eye can see. When the wind rolls in on a hot summer day and blows through the tall grass, that's what I love. Almost makes me miss what I left behind. Best vacation spot?"

"Italy. I managed to get away once, a long time ago. It was a gift and since I had so many vacation days built up, I left. The countryside was stunning and the wind seemed to carry me away down every dirt path I could find."

Olivia looked so relaxed compared to the agonizing pain she was in earlier. She was calm and collected, her eyes were full of life for what seemed like the first time as she reminisced about her favorite things. It was a decided improvement, one that Amanda didn't know how long would last. "Favorite food?"

The brunette raised an eyebrow, "Do you even have to ask that?"

Amanda laughed, "Wasn't thinking, new question. Favorite book?"

"To Kill a Mockingbird." She quickly replied, "I used to pretend I was Scout. When the world was turned against me, I would ask myself what she'd do in a situation like that." Olivia paused and quietly finished her sentence, "She was my escape."

"Happiest moment of your life?"

"When Kat was born, I don't think I've ever felt so much love for such a tiny person at the time. You'll understand what I mean when you have kids, if you want them."

"You never know, life's a funny thing." Amanda smiled, "I'd love them one day, I just don't know how I'd come home day after day seeing the things I do at SVU. Did you ever want more?"

"At the time, no. I could barely handle one on my own but I think as I saw Kat growing older, I thought about having a second. I never acted on it, too many things were going on at once." Olivia remembered Kat as a spunky, independent child who marched to the beat of her own drum. Kat was at the mercy of no one else but herself, a trait that Olivia had always admired. "She used to ask me all the time why she didn't have any siblings and I always found some excuse to occupy her until the next time she asked. I didn't have the heart to tell her I was done and I think she figured it out because she stopped asking soon after that.

Amanda asked another light-hearted question to avoid getting so deep, "Favorite TV show or movie?"

"I don't really have time to sit down and watch anything worthwhile. Truthfully, TV makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. Kat watches just about everything she can on the weekends. Call me old-fashioned but I don't get it. Favorite animal?"

"Dogs, always had them growing up." Amanda smiled as she thought about how she got Frannie. "Frannie's the first one I had on my own, found her wandering around Atlanta. When no one claimed her, she became mine. I don't know too much about her but she's been with me for a couple years now. She's a side of the roader, I guess. You?"

"Dolphins. The way they glide through the water, it's breathtaking." She laughed, "You can't keep them as pets, I know. On the really tough days, the ones where I couldn't even fathom going home to Kat, I'd take a drive out to the beach to watch them on the horizon. They somehow always knew who was watching because they'd be there every time. They made it easier to forget what I had seen hours earlier. Stormy weather or sunny weather?"

"Sun, for sure. I'm a Southern girl after all, we can't function without our perfectly tanned skin." Amanda laughed at the stereotype so many people had asked her about when she first got to New York. "I really do love the sun, the way it shines through the windows in the morning or how it hits the water just right on a hot day. What about you?"

"Stormy, I've always loved the way the clouds roll in over the city and turn the sky black." She paused as she saw Amanda looking over at her to see if she was really serious, "When I was a kid, I'd used to sit on the window seat all day watching the rain fall. At night when the thunder rolled in, I'd sit in the same spot watching the lightning light up the entire sky. Most kids are afraid of the noise but I was always curious, I suppose that never really changes as you grow up."

Amanda nodded in agreement, the questions were incredibly simple and involved no thought to them whatsoever. It was something Olivia desperately needed, a reprieve from the life she was trying so hard to break free from lately. "If you had one more chance to talk to anyone in the world, who would it be?"

The brunette Detective immediately fell silent, her demeanor quickly went blank as if her soul floated out of her body. She could picture one person in her mind and she didn't even have to think twice. She saw his face, his piercing blue eyes she would give anything to see one last time. She didn't even have the courage to speak and Amanda was the one to break the stillness in the air, "It's him, isn't it?"

Amanda knew that he and Olivia had a partnership that the NYPD couldn't teach in the Academy. It was a sacred bond that never seemed to falter, no matter how out of line either of them were at the time. She could remember when she found Liv in the cribs sobbing after Cragen broke the news the day that he turned his papers in. She'll never forget the days afterward as she watched Liv barely keeping it together in the squad room. She discreetly caught Liv wiping away stray tears in the bathroom mirror or whenever she caught a glimpse of her partner's empty desk. You notice when someone is falling apart at the seams, and you don't forget something like that. Amanda had never had a partner long enough for the emotions to run deeper than a passing goodbye, Liv's story was entirely different. Their partnership ran so deep that no one knew where one began and the other ended, 12 years together meant the world to her.

The tears were pooling at her eyes and it was physically painful to even think about him, even if it was just a harmless question. Her mind was killing her lately, it had been corrupted by a sadistic man who got off on hurting others and there was nothing she could do about it. Olivia nodded at Amanda who was now gently holding her hands. "Y-yeah."

Rollins gently brought her hand up to Olivia's cheek to wipe away the stray tears that were already slipping down the tracks that were long since etched into her now pale skin. Amanda didn't have the right words to even attempt to comfort Olivia, she didn't want to screw this up and she couldn't afford to.

Olivia's eyes were slowly wandering around the room, she knew Amanda was trying to make eye contact but no matter how much she tried, her eyes didn't seem to want to follow. Amanda gently lifted Liv's bruised chin up and her glassy, brown eyes gradually followed. Her eyes had been so full of life not even two minutes before and as Amanda looked at them, they were completely devoid of life once again. There was a look of complete helplessness and utter fear, it was haunting to Amanda. Just below a whisper, Olivia spoke. "I'd do it all over again, if I had a second shot."

She thought she had gotten over her partner's departure but being doped up on medication that made her feel like she was in a constant fog, she was so wrong. There was nothing that could have prepared her for the the heartbreak that occurred on that day or the days following. After all of the phone calls, texts and voice-mails she left, he never once returned a single one. Her face had been plastered all over the newspapers and TV stations during the time she went missing that she secretly hoped she would find him standing at the end of her hospital bed. She just wanted something, anything to know that he was alive and that he still cared about her existence but in today's world, that was too much for her to ask. She was so close to the edge that she could feel the gravel cracking under her feet, "I thought he'd come. After everything, I thought he'd be here."

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**I'd personally love it if you left a review because they absolutely make my day but if you're a rebel and don't like being told what to do, you do you. Until next time my friends!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Since I've last updated:**

**#1: Camp FINALLY started! I'm the worlds biggest kid and to have a job where I get paid to play all day really is so amazing. I'm also the boss of extended day, I have 10 people below me so ya girl is moving up in the world. Other than that, I'm just a counselor having WAY too much fun, sometimes even more than the campers.**

**#2: Since it's the holiday tomorrow, I'm in Boston for the weekend! I'm going to the Esplanade tomorrow to see the concert and the fireworks that night which I'm SUPER excited for! There's supposed to be a million people there! On Sunday, I'm going to the Red Sox game - I'm a diehard fan so it's going to be a great day!**

**#3: I wrote this like a week and a half ago, I just haven't had the energy to update - camp absolutely wipes me out to the point where I'm asleep by 9pm every night. Ya, I turned 85 a couple weeks ago apparently.**

**#4: Hope everyone has an awesome 4th of July! It's my favorite holiday of all time so party on! :)**

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Fin had dropped Kat off at the apartment just shy of 9am, he didn't come up because he knew that it was early and he'd see Liv later that week. He didn't want to interrupt any heavy-set conversation or upset an already exhausted friend. Kat understood, she wasn't so sure she was ready either. She had relieved Amanda who looked tired but in a noticeably better mood from the last time Kat had seen her. Amanda had shared the events that transpired over the past two nights, however, she left out the heart-to-hearts. She figured that the teenager was better off not knowing, one less thing for Kat to worry about. Once Amanda had left, Kat slowly made her way down the back hallway to check on her mother. As she quietly opened the bedroom door, Liv was perfectly relaxed on the bed and wide awake. Her long brown hair was half spread out on the pillow and half draped over her shoulders, her body was still and for the first time in a long time, she was content.

Kat gently but swiftly climbed into bed with her mother, she couldn't remember the last time they did something like this. Olivia turned her head towards her daughter, giving a slight smile and quietly whispering, "Hi baby." Her eyes were slightly bloodshot from the strain of vomiting the other day and her bruises were still an angry shade of purple. She looked tired and she was doing her best not to make too many sudden movements so as not to cause herself any more pain.

"Hey," Kat said quietly, smiling as she got comfortable next to her mother, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired, sore, stiff," Liv sighed, "It just really hurts. I've been trying not to think about it, maybe then it'll all just go away."

The teenager nodded, she truly felt awful for the things that were out of her control. She so badly wanted to take all of her mother's pain away, it was hard seeing such a strong person constantly struggle. "Amanda told me what happened the other night. I'm sorry I wasn't there," Kat paused for a few seconds as she recalled the conversation from a few minutes before, "no one called me."

"I told her not to call you," Liv reluctantly but softly confessed, "I knew if Amanda called, you would have not only come straight away, you never would have left again."

"That's not true."

"Babe," Olivia paused as she looked at her daughter, "It took over 20 minutes to even convince you that I was going to be okay before you went with Fin." Kat couldn't even think of anything to say and she laid silently next to Olivia who continued on, "You needed a break, from everything that's been going on and I wasn't going to be the person to take that away from you."

Kat nodded, a few tears welling up in her eyes. Her voice began to crack ever so slightly as she delicately began to speak, "I didn't want to leave, honest. I thought I was being selfish by walking away, leaving you here.

"Selfish is not the word, I promise." Olivia took her good hand and motioned for her daughter to lay closer, something that Kat was afraid to do. It took a little coaxing but Kat warmed up to the idea and Olivia softly spoke, "You weren't taking care of yourself. Even when you thought I didn't notice, I knew you weren't eating or sleeping as much as you should. I didn't call you because I wanted you to be a teenager again, even if just for a night."

"Amanda told Fin the same thing, she thought I wasn't listening." The teenager knew her mother was right and it was irresponsible of Kat to be so focused on such a grown-up task. The worst heartbreak most teenagers knew was dealing with broken hearts, not taking care of a mother who had gone toe to toe with the devil.

Olivia gave Kat a look of incredible sympathy, she knew it wasn't easy for the teenager to deal with and her heart swelled with appreciation for all of the hard work. "Not taking care of yourself will kill you, Kat." She swore she wasn't going to cry or tear up but this confession was about to take its final toll, "Believe it or not, I need you. It would kill me if something happened to you, you're all I have."

Kat nodded, silently agreeing with the statement. Nothing was coming to mind as to what she could even say to abate her mother's fear. It was something that the teenager feared, she would have absolutely no idea what to do if Olivia was no longer around. Silence permeated the bedroom for what seemed like an eternity until Kat was the one to finally speak up, "Let's get some fresh air today."

"I can barely walk, how are we supposed to go anywhere?"

"We'll figure something out. You haven't left this apartment since you got home from the hospital, aren't you dying to get out of here?"

Olivia nodded, she had been wanting to get fresh air for the longest time. Staring out her window was not by any means what she wanted. She felt like she had been living in a glass box ever since she got home, everyone came to her and she never got to leave as she wished. "Where would we even go?"

Kat smiled, "I think I know the perfect place, it'll do you good to get out of this place anyways."

* * *

It had taken more effort to get Olivia into the car than Kat had originally thought but that didn't deter her from sticking to the plan. There was a comfortable silence in the car throughout the drive as Kat turned left and right throughout the city. Olivia had absolutely no idea where her daughter was taking them but she hoped it was somewhere far away from the city. She had been self-conscious of her injuries, part of the reason why she had never left the apartment in the first place. Most days, she didn't feel like a person. Lewis had treated her like an animal, branding and bruising almost every inch of her skin. When she looked in the mirror, she didn't even recognize the person staring back at her. The entire state of New York and beyond knew who she was, her face had been plastered all over the news throughout the time she was missing. The squad had been doing their best to shelter Liv from the stress of dealing with the press but it didn't make her any less fearful that they would one day find her.

Olivia had her eyes closed for some time, savoring the silence that permeated the air. The occasional bump over potholes had her discreetly clutching at her ribs and doing her best not to wince at the jabbing sensation. Kat at first had aimlessly been driving around the city until she found an access road that led to a secluded beach. She knew that it was barely ever used and that it would be a perfect place to spend a couple of hours away from reality. When Kat pulled into the parking space, Olivia immediately recognized where they were. She had absolutely no idea how her daughter even knew about the beach where she had spent so many nights staring at the waves after a tough day at SVU.

It was just a short walk to the sand, one that Olivia struggled with, leaning heavily on her daughter. Kat had already set up the blanket to which Olivia gave a soft thank you. She didn't mind that the sun was shining or that the water was incredibly still for a summer day. The ocean never ceased to amaze Olivia, it was so vast and full of life that when she sat on the beach, she felt incredibly insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It was one of the things that drew her back time and time again, the fact that the sound of the waves seemed to carry her mind away to another place.

_She had just walked out of the crime scene and she was absolutely horrified with what she saw. A five year old girl, Emily Collins was brutally beaten and raped by her step-father who was nothing short of a sadistic animal. The house was a hell hole and Olivia was shocked that CPS hadn't been previously involved, especially with the step-father's priors. The child barely knew where she was or what was going on around her and she immediately latched on to Olivia. Emily wouldn't let Olivia out of her sight and would cry out for the Detective when things got to be too much. The ambulance ride to the hospital was heart-wrenching for Olivia. Emily started crying the second that the EMT had tried to put an IV in and for the fact that she was in an incredible amount of pain. Being five years old and having your world flipped in an instant is not an easy thing to witness, especially for Olivia who had a 5 year old Kat at home. Emily just wanted to be held and comforted by the one person who genuinely cared about her well-being but the young girl was quickly swept away by a barrage of nurses._

_It wasn't long before a young nurse came out to retrieve Olivia. The doctors couldn't get anything accomplished and they were seconds away from sedating the child if she couldn't settle down. As soon as the Detective entered the room, Emily became silent and cooperative for the first time all afternoon. The exams and tests took less time than everyone originally thought and because of the pain that Emily was in, the doctors decided to give her a mild sedative that would hopefully give the child a faster healing time._

_The second that the nurses gave her the okay to leave, Olivia jumped on the opportunity. The hospital walls seemed to be closing in on her, she felt like her world was collapsing. The Detective rushed past all of her colleagues who were standing by in the waiting room and hurriedly jumped in her squad car. She didn't have any destination in mind, she had to get away from the atrocity she had witnessed. Olivia drove aimlessly, hoping to free herself from the madness she was stuck in. She had turned down a few back roads and the next thing she knew, she was looking out at the ocean. The brunette Detective stepped out of her car and slowly wandered down to the sand dunes, just above where the waves break. She precariously placed herself in such a way that she wouldn't get wet from the crashing waves, she needed an escape and this was it._

_She didn't hear the car pull up or the drivers side door slam shut, nor did she hear the footsteps of her partner coming up from behind her. He sat down on the dune beside Olivia and only then, did she notice that she was no longer by herself. "What are you doing here, El?"_

_"Followed you," he said as they both looked out at the waves, "You ran out of the hospital so fast that you would have thought you'd seen a ghost."_

_"That's not funny," She stated matter of factly before her voice cracked slightly, "Why are you really here?"_

_"I saw the way she clung to you, like you were the only person in the world that had ever noticed her. She got attached within seconds and wouldn't let you out of her sight."_

_Olivia sadly sighed as she remembered Emily, "Why on Earth did this have to happen to such a sweet girl?"_

_"Bad things happen to good people, Liv." Elliot said as he made eye contact with his partner, "I'd be lying if I didn't think of my kids when I saw Emily and I know you thought of Kat."_

_The brunette Detective quickly swiped her hand across her eyes, "It never occurred to me until today that Kat has to live in a world where these awful things happen to others." She paused as she tried to gather her emotions, "What if it was her, El?"_

_"Liv, you know you can't think like that. The what-if's will eat you alive and kill you if you let them." He took Olivia's hand in his, "Kat's only five years old, the world hasn't hit her yet. She has a mother who loves her and people who are always looking out for her well-being. Love is the only thing she needs, Liv."_

_The tears were freely flowing down her cheeks, almost if they were racing through the tear tracks, "I've been working this job for years and yet, no matter how many horrific things I see, I can never imagine going back home at the end of the day and hugging my daughter."_

_"It's not easy being a parent and working this job, it takes a special kind of person." Elliot said as he was validating Olivia's fears, "The heartbreak never stops, and one day, it might kill all of us. But whether you die in the line of fire, or you let the job kill you year by year, it's still dying all the same."_

_Olivia leaned in to her partner as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders in an attempt to take some of the burden off of her mind. She was sniffling and trying to hold it together for the sake of her dignity but the bricks in her walls were starting to crumble, "I came out her to escape, to run away, to forget even if just for a second. It's been one thing after another, I don't want to be the parent that brings the job home with them. My mother was that parent and it just about killed her, I don't want that for Kat."_

_"Liv," He attempted to say before she cut him off, "El, I appreciate what you're doing, I really do. I didn't come out here to talk about it, I came here so I didn't have to feel like the world was closing in on me."_

_Elliot knew that it was as far as he went, she shut him out as quickly as she let him in and no matter how many times it occurred, he never got used to it. Olivia was like an onion, you had to peel her back a layer at a time. She wanted to sit in silence, listen to the waves and run away to a world where violence didn't exist. If it took all night, she would sit there until she felt like she was ready to face reality once again. She didn't want to be saved, she just wanted to be understood. The thought of leaving Olivia by herself had never crossed Elliot's mind, he had her back, no matter what. Hours had passed by and the waves had been the only sound between the two Detectives until Elliot softly spoke up, "You ever think about running away?"_

_She delicately pulled herself away from his embrace, her brown eyes meeting his blue, "All the time."_

_"But you're still here," Elliot gently pointed out as he pushed her to talk._

_"I never thought that I was capable of running away from my life, until Oregon." Her voice went quiet, "But even then, I just about wrecked every relationship I ever had." Elliot was intently listening, he had no inclination to interrupt. He knew she had to get these things out in the open, they had been eating her alive inside for months, maybe even years. "I'm a runner, that's what I do. Don't be surprised somewhere down the line, when I run from you."_

"Mom," Kat said for the third time, breaking Olivia out of her thoughts.

She looked at her daughter, truly realizing that she wasn't transported back to the past and that she was in fact, with Kat. "Sorry, what?"

"Are you comfortable where you are?"

Olivia nodded, "It's as good as it's going to get, sweetheart. I'm okay, really."

The teenager looked at her mother long and hard, surveying what she was really thinking. She couldn't decipher whether or not it was something good, or something not so good. She didn't want her mother to linger too long inside her head, Kat was just trying to give her mother one good day out of a string of bad. Olivia had been through too many bad days, she deserved one day that didn't make her want to crawl out of her skin, "You ever been here before?"

Olivia truly didn't know what to say, she didn't want to get into it. She was emotionally numb, she didn't want to break open the dam and risk putting herself through more pain than it was actually worth. She had spent so many nights long ago staring out at the waves that sometimes, she found herself wanting to surrender herself to them. No one would ever find her, her body would be taken out to sea and finally, she could be free. She looked at her daughter, with a solemn face as she remembered all of the times that her tears had mixed with the salty ocean air, "A long time ago."

"How did you even find this place?"

The eldest brunette sighed as she tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears, "Same way you did, I just stumbled across it one night. I was driving through the city and the next thing I knew, I was looking out at the waves." Olivia paused for a few seconds, keeping herself calm before continuing, "It was the perfect place at the time, work did a number on me and I needed an escape."

"How come you never took me out here?"

Olivia shrugged before confessing, "Just didn't seem right to take you to a place where I spent so much time trying to run from my life."

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**As always, reviews make my day! :)**


	31. Chapter 31

**Since I've last updated:**

**#1: Camp rocks and every single day is an absolute blast. My one piece tan is killer and I'm 12 shades darker from being out in the sun all day. I wiped out on the dock the other day during I-swim and I have a 7 inch bruise running up my shin. My campers are great and they're just as sassy as me - I cry laughing every single day.**

**Here's an example:**

**Me: "Katie, put the moth down and stand in line."**

**Katie (she's 6): "It's a butterfly, look at the wings and the designs."**

**Me: "Katie, it's brown and it's a moth. Please stand in line.**

**Katie: "Actually, it's a butterfly. Check your facts, Liz." - tell me that's not the sassiest thing you've ever heard and for the record, it was a moth.**

**#2: Boston and the 4th of July were both amazing and easily the best weekend of my life. The Red Sox game was great and it's always nice to walk away with a win!**

**#3: Before you read this chapter, Elliot will come back - I have it planned out, I haven't written it yet. Bear with me through the next few chapters as I figure things out, it might take me a while but I want to do this right.**

**#4: I'm on Twitter (come be my friend), I'd like to think I'm hilarious or maybe I'm the world's biggest idiot but I promise I won't disappoint - fearLIZness17**

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Both Benson's had been quiet for hours, the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore permeating the world. Despite the silence, the day had turned out better than expected. The sun had been shining down while simultaneously reflecting off of the water, the handful of seagulls floating around, waves crashing against the sand but most of all, there had not been one soul in sight. It was better that way, it was freeing to be able to sit on the beach and collect your thoughts. In an ever-changing world, the ocean had always remained a constant in Olivia's life. Despite the hardships of life and the constant threat that SVU brought to the table, the waves of the ocean somehow always evened out the stress.

After all the hours she had been sitting at the beach, she was silent. It's not that Olivia didn't want to talk, she just didn't have the energy. It was depressing for her to think about her past and right now, she could barely handle the present. She had refused her pain medication earlier but two hours later, she lost the fight and succumbed to the numbing feeling that the pills filled her with. Sometimes she had wanted to stop taking them altogether but no matter how long she tried to hold out, the pain came back with a vengeance. It wasn't just the physical pain that plagued her, it was the constant reminder of her life and the state it was currently in. The reminder that her life had changed in the blink of an eye and that she would never quite be the same person again. SVU had prepared her for seeing the worst that life had to offer, she had some close calls over the years but nothing compared to the beast that was William Lewis. She never could seem to distance herself away from the ghost inside her head, the presence she always seemed to feel day in and day out.

Olivia had been blankly staring out at the horizon going on an hour, her eyes had been drooping but she never once said a thing. She was tired, but she couldn't remember a time where she hadn't been exhausted. She wasn't sure what she was looking for nor did she know what she was even hoping for, her eyes continued to wander aimlessly from left to right across the water.

Kat had kept a watchful eye on Olivia all afternoon, she knew that something was bothering her mother, she just couldn't pinpoint what it was. She had wanted to let her mother come out with it on her own terms but that was hours ago. She didn't want Olivia to shut down nor did she want to completely tear down the carefully constructed walls that her mother had worked so hard on. "They said it was supposed to rain earlier, they were wrong though. It turned out to be a pretty nice day, right?"

The eldest Benson slowly nodded her head in agreement, she didn't want to shut her daughter out but she couldn't imagine a world where Kat had to deal with the burden of her mother's past. Olivia had worked so hard to create a life for Kat that was nothing like the life Serena gave Olivia. Kat's childhood had been otherwise carefree, a life that was stable and one that was filled with love – something that Olivia had effortlessly provided.

"You can tell me what's wrong," Kat spoke quietly, hoping that her mother would respond. "I know you're tired and in a constant state of pain, but I'm here, really truly here."

She slowly turned her head to the left, making eye contact with her daughter. Nowadays, Olivia's eyes were always devoid of life, like a battered black sun that departed from the night before. Her brown eyes had lost their sparkle, like a night sky without the twinkle of the stars. Olivia shook her head and when she spoke, her voice was an octave below a whisper, "I'm fine, babe."

Kat shook her head as she stared into her mother's eyes, she knew Olivia was far from fine. Olivia was the opposite of fine, she just had too much pride to admit a moment of weakness. "You're lying," Kat gently pushed her mother to speak more, "There's no one on this beach right now who will look at you any differently."

Olivia sighed, debating on how much she wanted to let her daughter in on. She had been incredibly hesitant the past couple of days, she was trying not to burden her daughter with the weight of the world but lately, Olivia was barely keeping herself together. She had started to speak slowly but sure of her words, "I'm exhausted," she paused as she attempted to gather herself but was truly having trouble with doing so, "and it is so awfully difficult to feel sad and tired when all you want to feel is alive."

The teenager nodded as she validated her mother's hesitant confession. Olivia had been keeping things close to the vest lately and Kat knew her mother was trying to shelter her. Kat didn't want to be sheltered and in her opinion, the damage had already been done – the past couldn't be fixed. "You've made it this far," Kat paused, quietly adding, "and I'm so immensely proud of you."

"I appreciate what you're trying to do, babe." Olivia softly spoke as she blankly stared at the horizon, "I really do, but to be honest, I'm just not really in the mood to do much talking."

Olivia's walls had quickly gone right back up as soon as they came down, Kat never had gotten used to it and even now, she struggled with how her mother bottled things up. Her mother had a reason for everything, there was a method for her madness that Kat hadn't quite figured out just yet. Olivia was slowly going down the path of no return and it truly scared the teenager.

_Kat had been laying in bed, waiting for her mother to tuck her into bed. She had just turned four a few days before and getting to hold up four fingers instead of three was so exciting for the little girl. It had been thundering all day and to Olivia's surprise, it hadn't bothered the young girl as much as she originally thought. Olivia had wandered upstairs and laid down in Kat's bed. "Ready for a bedtime story?"_

_The little girl excitedly ran to get her favorite book, My Mommy Loves Me This Much. "This one, Mama!" She said as she passed it to her mother, scrambling to get comfortable next to Olivia._

_Olivia laughed, opening the book and flipped through the first few pages, "How did I know that you were going to pick this one?"_

_"'Cause it's my favorite, duh." Kat said as she stared up at her mother, snuggling up as close as she could._

_Olivia began reading slowly, making sure that Kat could see all of the pictures on each page,"My mommy loves me as much as a fish loves water." Olivia wasn't much of a reader herself but she always enjoyed the time spent reading to Kat before bedtime. It was a sense of comfort for both mother and daughter, a tradition that Olivia made permanent in the house. Serena had never read to her as a child and she longed for someone to lay in bed with her at night instead of a mother who constantly wandered to the bar every night. Olivia wanted to do right by Kat, she didn't want to be anything like her own mother._

_Liv flipped the next page and before she could read, Kat quickly interrupted, "This one is my favorite!"_

_"You read it," Liv encouraged since she knew Kat knew the book from front to back._

_Kat giggled and began to recite the words quite enthusiastically and proud, "My mommy loves me as much as the moon loves the stars!"_

_The book wasn't really much of anything, only about ten pages or so – a quick read. "My mommy loves me," Olivia slowly read and Kat finished, "as much as I love her!"_

_She had began to get up from her daughter's bed, one book was the limit and on some occasions, that rule was thrown out the window. Tonight, however, it was enforced. "Alright, sweet girl. It's time for night night, yeah?"_

_Kat nodded and snuggled up under the covers, the gears turning in her head as she thought about something a classmate said at preschool. "Mommy?"_

_"Mhm?" Liv said as she turned around to look at her daughter._

_"Liam said that police officers are going to die and the bad guys shoot them with their guns." She had started her sentence strong and the last few words came out almost a whisper, "You're not going to die, are you?"_

_Olivia sighed as she slowly walked back over to Kat's bed, sitting down on the edge. Kat knew that Olivia was a cop but that was about as deep as it ran, she had no idea the actual dangers that her mother faced on the job everyday. "No, sweetheart. I'm not going to die because of the bad guys."_

_"But, Liam said that they will!" Kat sat up in bed and insisted, "The bad guys are going to kill the police officers."_

_"Babe, listen to me." Liv said as she waited for her daughter to calm down, "There are a lot of bad guys in the world and police officers help put them in jail so they can't hurt other people." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she continued, "No one is dying any time soon."_

_Kat shook her head, "But Liam said!"_

_"Don't listen to Liam," Olivia smiled, "It was just a made up story from watching too much TV."_

_The four year old thought long and hard about what her mother had said before she whispered, "But everyone dies one day, that's what Munchie said."_

_"And he's right, no one lives forever."_

_The young brunette's eyes quickly became glassy and unshed tears began to pool in her eyes, "But whose going to be my mommy when you die?"_

_"Oh, sweetheart." Olivia said as she pulled her daughter into her lap, wrapping her arms around the small child. "I'm always going to be your mommy, even when you live longer than me."_

_"Where do you go when you die?"_

_Olivia pointed up to the sky as the sound of a low rumble of thunder could be heard, "To heaven. Everyone you ever love will be up there waiting for you."_

_Kat snuggled deep in her mother's chest, her eyes getting droopy, "What does it look like?"_

_"I'm not quite sure, but I've heard it's really beautiful." She wrapped her arms tighter around her daughter, "I'm not going anywhere any time soon, I promise."_

_A crack of thunder shook the entire house and Kat jumped, slightly shaking in her mothers arms. "Please don't leave me, Mommy."_

_"Sweetheart, it's just thunder. I promise that nothing will happen to you while you're inside this house."_

_Her chin began to quiver and the tears started to trickle down her cheeks, "B-but, I-I wan-want yo-you to stay."_

_Olivia knew that if she didn't stay, Kat would cry all night and somehow end up in the master bedroom at some point. If she did stay, Kat would snuggle until she felt safe enough to go to sleep. The only downside to staying was how uncomfortable the tiny bed was for Olivia, her back was the victim every morning – she was shocked that it somehow hadn't snapped in half yet. Another large rumble of thunder shook the house and the lightning lit up the whole sky, "You're safe as can be, I'll stay all night if it means that you aren't scared anymore."_

Her eyes had been shut, savoring the sweet memory of Kat, one that she had remembered fondly. She lived for the days that Kat wanted to snuggle and all of the funny things that used to come out of her mouth. That's the thing about children, they're at the mercy of no one but themselves. Even after a long and hard day at SVU, Kat was just about the only thing that saved Olivia from her thoughts. Those big brown eyes and long brown hair, the best hugs and sweetest kisses – she couldn't even imagine a life without her little girl. Olivia had opened her eyes and when she scanned the horizon one last time, that's when she saw them. She had been hoping to see the pod of dolphins that had miraculously made her forget about all of her troubles so many years ago. Watching them effortlessly swim through the water was so immensely calming, a feeling that Liv almost forgot about. The animals were an old friend to Olivia, ones that she thought she may never see again. She never truly understood how the pod could have such an impact on her life and even now, how much she needed to see them in that moment.

Kat had spotted the pod when a few of the dolphins decided to jump out of the water, squeaking and splashing about. She had never seen them in the wild, only ever in an aquarium on the off chance her mother didn't have to work. The teenager was fascinated with how free the dolphins truly were, they had no boundaries and everywhere to go. She was about to point them out to her mother when she realized that Olivia was crying, doing a terrible job at trying to hide it. Kat knew that her mother wasn't in the mood to talk about anything today but in this instance, she decided to go for it. She gently questioned, "Mom? Is everything alright?"

She swiped her good hand across her eyes as she sniffled slightly. She was desperately trying to get rid of the tears that were plaguing her life. She wasn't just crying at the pain, or the fact she wanted to crawl out of her skin. She was crying for the missed opportunities that her life presented, the memories and all of the nights that she spent sitting in the exact same spot. She was crying for the life-altering events that had transpired and most of all, for the partner that she so badly wished was there for her.

The teenager enveloped her mothers hands in her own, squeezing them gently. She saw how Olivia was succumbing to her own thoughts, something that was happening too often nowadays. Her mother's mind was racing a mile a minute about topics Kat knew nothing about. Olivia had always told things exactly how they were, never sugar-coating things to her daughter but in this instance, she had kept everything close to the vest. She didn't want Kat to have anything else to worry about, she couldn't do that to her child. Olivia wasn't close to budging and Kat delicately pushed her mother to open up, "I don't ask for much, but you're truly hurting and scared." She paused as the tears continued to trickle down Olivia's face, "Talk to me, please."

"I-I'm sorry," Olivia sadly said, "I sh-shouldn't be crying a-all the t-time."

Kat shook her head, "It's okay, I promise. Crying is expected, I'd truly be more concerned if you were stone-cold all the time."

"I used t-to come h-here," Olivia paused as she gathered herself in whatever way she could, "I'd come here to run away, to the only place where I could hear myself think. The hustle and bustle of the city gets to you, it's deafening." She gently wiped her tear-stained face and continued ever so slowly, "Some of the cases at work got to me, and I felt trapped in a world that was so intently cruel. I couldn't bear to come home to you after the things I had seen day in and day out, it was just too much."

Kat gently interrupted, "Why didn't you say anything to anyone?"

"They kept a safe distance from each case, they didn't let themselves get overly involved like I do." Olivia stopped, reminiscing about all the times that she was told not to get attached to the cases SVU worked. She couldn't help but be some sort of a lifeline for every victim she came into contact with, it came second nature and was incredibly beneficial. "I let myself get too attached, I care a little bit more than the average cop. I'd come out here and be so involved in my thoughts that I'd forget that I had a life outside of the four walls of the squad room."

"But unlike the victims, you could walk away," Kat pointed out as she saw her mother starting to blame herself.

Olivia shook her head, "Each one stuck with me in a different way. After everything that had happened to them, I was the one person that they miraculously trusted enough to help." The bright orange sun had lowered significantly lowered, the tide had begun going out hours ago to which it uncovered all sorts of mysteries. As the world kept spinning around both Benson's, their lives frozen in time. "I'd sit and watch the waves for hours, or long enough until I remembered how to breathe again. When I was so deep inside my head, the waves would always somehow bring me back to Earth."

Kat had intentionally stopped asking questions in an attempt to let the thoughts flow out of her mother, it had been a long time coming and these things needed to come out in the open without the judgment of the world. "Sometimes, when the sun would dip low enough to touch the water, I'd see them. They'd glide through the water so effortlessly, and so free." Olivia's hands were still in her daughter's, she was blankly staring out at the horizon almost as if her spirit had floated right out of her body. "Every time I came down here, I'd look out and watch the horizon, just beyond where the waves break. They would always pop up, just before I was about to give up hope. I don't know how they knew but just watching them, it made me forget the real reasons I was sitting here." Olivia sighed and let a few moments pass by before she spoke, "It's funny how something so vast and deep can make you feel incredibly insignificant in the grand scheme of things."

"When you used to come here, were you always by yourself?"

Olivia was hoping to whatever spirit was listening that her daughter wasn't going to ask that question, she actually dreaded it. Elliot had been a major part of both of their lives and it was truly painful to relive the twelve years of memories that had been created. It was certainly an open wound for Olivia, one that still hadn't healed and one that probably never would. Every emotion was wildly flowing through her body and she felt herself tense up at the mention of the question. Olivia shook her head and turned her head towards Kat, a dejected look was written all over the eldest Benson's face.

She didn't have the heart to speak, or answer the innocent question that Kat had asked. The gears in the teenager's head were turning quickly, piecing everything together. Her mother had been heartbroken, not only over the Lewis ordeal but for her partner and her best friend. "It was him, right?" Kat delicately and softly questioned.

The eldest Benson slowly nodded, her brown eyes immediately filling with unshed tears, "It's the one place where the world stood still." Her hands began to shake slightly as she spoke, "It's silly, but I used to think that the world was round. The closer I looked, it's just a ball of jagged edges, much like the life I tried to run away from."

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**It would absolutely make my day if you would leave a review, y'all have been so awesome and I really do appreciate each and every one of you for sticking with me as I write this thing.**


	32. Chapter 32

**So, since I've last updated:**

**#1: Camp has taken over my life, I have like 0 time. **

**#2: MY ONLINE CLASS IS FINALLY OVER HALLELUJAH PRAISE JESUS!**

**#3: I went to a concert last night, I saw my favorite band Rascal Flatts for the 5th time - get on my level. I'm going to see Zac Brown Band next weekend so I'm super excited about that!**

**#4: I'm on twitter, come be my friend! - fearLIZness17**

**#5: Disclaimer: You will cry, a box of tissues is necessary.**

**#6: Please leave a review, not only are they great but it lets me know that people are still reading this lovely story! :)**

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Olivia had spent much of the early morning laying in bed, the events of the day before had wiped her out. From the second she woke up, she had been in pain. Her body was stiff as a board, each movement sending her muscles into a frenzy of spasms. She wanted to cry, she wanted to yell but most of all, she wanted even just one second, free of hurt. Day after day, she had dealt with the same routine – one that was beginning to get old and one that she didn't want to be a part of anymore. Just when she thought she had gotten used to her life, a wrench was thrown into the mix. Today, it was the burning sensation in her back, another thing that could be added to the long list of problems. She had tried to bring her mind to another place to rid herself of the discomfort and she refused to wake her daughter up. Her own needs could wait a while longer, putting others first was who she was, regardless of the current state she was in.

Kat had started off in her mother's bed the previous night and then somehow ended up in her own bed the next morning. She relished in the times where she got to sleep a little bit more than previous times, it did wonders. The teenager had been in and out of a deep sleep for close to an hour but she somehow had a nagging feeling that had been telling her something was wrong. The thought couldn't seem to leave her mind, and that's when she zeroed in on her mother.

The teenager had pulled herself out of bed, still in the clothes from the day before – she didn't have time nor the energy to change, something that was becoming all too familiar. Walking down the hallway, she didn't hear a peep and when she opened the door, she could have sworn her mother was still asleep. A muffled whimper was the dead giveaway to the teenager, a morning that she had immediately regretted sleeping in. She hesitantly asked, "Mom?"

"Y-yeah?"

She walked over to the edge of the bed, kneeling down on the carpet as she looked at her mother. Olivia's brown eyes were slowly filling with unshed tears as Kat gently questioned, "What happened? Are you okay?"

Olivia was trying to lay as still as possible, a stray tear or two leaving her eyes as she stared at her daughter. She delicately shook her head no, mumbling something undecipherable. Kat pressed again, "Are you in pain?"

Everything Olivia wanted to say immediately came flooding into her brain and no matter how much she tried to speak, the words just weren't there. She hadn't been into talking very much ever since she left the hospital, usually she was so animated and could always be found in some sort of conversation. Now, she was dejected and quiet, talking always seemed to be forced, the equivalent to pulling teeth. Her good hand gently reached out for Kat, she whimpered, "H-help."

"Do you need me to call the doctor?" Kat was incredibly confused and had absolutely no idea what her mother wanted or if she was in more pain than she was letting on. She gently took her mothers good hand and was doing her absolute best to keep her own emotions in check, "What hurts?"

"M-my ba-back," Olivia softly mumbled out, "I-it bur-burns."

Kat swiftly removed the covers that were enveloping her mother's body. The teenager made sure to tell her mother her every move, the eldest Benson was still weary of any human contact when she didn't personally allow it. Olivia wasn't happy about her daughter lifting up her clothes, let alone looking at her injuries. It was deeply personal for Olivia, mainly because her daughter didn't know the atrocities behind each cut or burn.

Sitting behind her mother, Kat slowly lifted up Olivia's shirt to reveal her backside, apologizing profusely as her mother cried out in pain. The teenager was surprised, she didn't know what she was expecting to see but it took everything in her not to gasp. On Olivia's lower back, an angry, deep red laceration that was most definitely infected. It was the last thing Olivia needed and Kat felt horrible that it had gone unnoticed until now. "It's infected, Mom." She quietly told her mother, "We have to get you to the doctor so it doesn't get any worse."

"N-no." Olivia shook her head, "Pl-lease, n-no." The absolute last place she wanted to go was the hospital, she was trying to avoid it at all costs. She knew that the infected wound needed to be cleaned but she couldn't bear to deal with the agony of the process. Kat quickly interrupted, giving her mother an ultimatum, "Mom, either I take you to the doctor or I call someone, up to you."

The tears began to come faster as her thoughts began to get the best of her, she couldn't bear the thought of being so hopeless and letting things get as bad as they were. Depending on others was something that would push Olivia over the edge on countless occasions, this was no different. Though she felt like she was breaking into a million pieces, Olivia slowly and deliberately began speaking, "I can't g-go, pl-ease. You have n-no idea h-ow hard it i-is to be sh-uttled back and forth be-between doc-doctors. I-I don't want t-to go." She gently wiped her eyes and continued, "You kn-know how t-to do it."

"Mom," Kat shook her head at what she was being asked, "This is more serious than any of your other cuts."

Olivia nodded tearfully, "I'm so s-sorry t-to ask, but pl-please. I j-ust can't w-win l-lately."

The teenager thought long and hard, she truthfully had no idea what to do. She so badly wanted her mother to get the help she deserved and the medical attention that Kat couldn't seem to get right. Her medical training went as far as what her mother told her to do and that was it. She wished that there was some kind of training to prepare her for the worst that life had to offer but even then, no one can play God. Trust was huge in this stage of the game and the youngest Benson wasn't going to screw that up. No matter how uncomfortable she felt with her mother's request, Kat would honor it, even if it meant she broke down, alone in her bedroom when Olivia was asleep.

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It was heart-wrenching for Kat to endure cleaning out her mother's infected wound. Between Olivia's agonizing cries, her pleading to stop and the knowledge that she was responsible for the pain, just about wrecked Kat. She tried to keep it together for as long as she could, thank goodness that Olivia was turned away. There wasn't much talking, save for the occasional _"I'm so sorry"_ and _"You're being so brave."_ There weren't any words in the entire English language that could make up for the constant state of pain that Olivia seemed to be in. It was debilitating, exhausting, harrowing. It was a process that took much longer than the two Benson's originally thought but one that they both wished had never been brought upon them – much like the tornado they were being whirled around in.

Olivia had wanted to be alone once her wound had been thoroughly cleaned, a recurring pattern in the recent days. Kat didn't blame her mother, she couldn't imagine the things that Olivia was working through. She wished she could take away all of the burden and stress but life wasn't perfect and time unfortunately continued on.

The eldest Benson had spent the better part of the afternoon in bed, her eyes red and puffy from holding back the tears that threatened to over flow at any second. Her mind had decided to take a walk down memory lane; from the squad to old cases, her mother to her daughter's life, Lewis and everything in between. It was haunting to remember all of the memories she tried so hard to forget. Regardless of where her thoughts brought her, they always zeroed in on one person. Her rock, her saving grace, her partner, _her best friend._ After everything, she'd thought he'd be here, telling her everything was somehow going to be alright; but she couldn't have been more wrong. She was angry, annoyed, bitter but all those words meant nothing – she just wanted the only person she had ever fully put her trust in.

Her mind had toyed with the idea of picking up the phone to call him, but she didn't dare act on those thoughts. What would she even say? There weren't words to describe how she felt, how dejected she'd become, her zest for life out the window because of one man. After all these years without so much as a phone call to let her know he isn't dead, _she still couldn't bring herself to hate him._

She almost forgot she had a phone, she had set it down on the nightstand when she got out of the hospital and never picked it back up. This time, she was using it for a completely different purpose. Holding the phone in her good hand, she was on the fence as to whether or not she should even bother. _If he hadn't called in 3 years, why would he pick up after all this time? If he cared, he would have showed up by now._ After all of the pros and cons, after all of the arguments as to why she shouldn't call him, her finger somehow hovered over his name. She hadn't deleted his number, it had gone untouched since the day he walked out of the squad room, never to return.

Putting the phone up to her ear, she counted the number of rings. _1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6._

_"You have reached the mailbox of 212-555-6987, please leave a message after the tone."_ It wasn't Elliot's mailbox, it wasn't the familiar voice she had grown to appreciate, one that instantly calmed her. Now, the mailbox was nothing but a stranger, someone that she used to know.

_"Beep."_

She wasn't ready, she couldn't have prepared herself for the anxiety that the message tone gave her but by some miracle, she began speaking. "El, it's me. It's been a while," She paused, gathering her thoughts, "and I'm not sure if you even care about what you left behind. I wish I could say that I'm okay, but I'm not."

"I'm not even close to being okay. I thought that I could handle you walking out, I thought that I could handle life without you standing next to me. I thought that I could handle the ever-changing squad room, the horrors of SVU." She couldn't bear to say Lewis' name, the atrocities that were committed during those 4 days at the beach house and the world she was stuck in. "I wish that I could have had another chance, another chance to apologize for the events that transpired in the squad room. I wish that I could have taken it all back. I fought for you, but in the cruel world we live in today, it wasn't enough. I almost lost my job after you left, I was in a downward spiral. I used to look over at your empty desk and hope that you would somehow magically appear. When Cragen told me you turned in your papers, I refused to believe it. After all that, I didn't understand how you could walk away, how you could forget that twelve years never happened. I wish I could say that I didn't take it to heart, but unfortunately, I did. It's hard to remember, because of how hard I fell. I slept too little, I drank too much but somehow, I never took one day off. I threw myself into work because it was the only place where I still felt connected to you. In the back of my mind, I was hoping you would walk through the squad room doors but that day never came."

She had teared up, more than a few times but never faltered in her words. For being a spur of the moment decision, she sounded like she had rehearsed what she wanted to say a million times. "I wanted to hate you, I wanted to so bad but I could never bring myself to. I think the squad thought that I was going to shatter into a million pieces and the truth is, I already broke. If you could die from crying, I came pretty damn close. It's crazy how one person can affect your life in so many ways, you're it for me. I've had a lot of people walk out of my life but truthfully, I never in a million years thought that you'd be one of them. It almost killed me, El."

"I wish I could say that you leaving made me a better person, but I'm still picking up the pieces from that day. Remember the bricks in my wall you tried so hard to break? They came crashing down the second you walked away and they never quite got built back up the same way." Her voice had began cracking every so often, the memories were becoming overwhelming. She didn't want to lose it on the phone but being so vulnerable was taking its toll. "I thought you would have come back by now, with everything that's happened. I thought that you would have been the one leading the search party when I was gone. I thought that you were going to be the one that found me, because after all this time, I was hoping you still cared. Sealview was nothing compared to what I went through, but you wouldn't know," she paused, quietly gathering her emotions, "because you weren't there."

"I went through the worst experience of my life, El. I almost died, at the hands of one man. I was gone for four days, _four days_ and besides my daughter, I could only think of you. I spent days wishing that you were scouring the Earth looking for me. When I was sitting in the house, with the phone in my hand, your face flashed in my mind. Out of everyone in the world, I wanted to call _you._ When I was in the hospital, hallucinating from all of the pain medications I was on, I called out for _you._ When I was in the exam room, I wanted you next to me saying it was going to be okay. When I was hysterically crying, I wanted your arms around me, protecting me from the hardships of the world. I was alone, El. Completely and utterly alone."

"You'd think after all this time, I'd hate you but that's where you're wrong. In this dark and twisted world, you were the one to make things better. I'm a monster, I've been beaten to a pulp and I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. My daughter is afraid she's going to break me and everyone I know, is walking on eggshells because they think I'll freak out. I'm in so much pain that I don't even know which way is up. I can barely finish a quarter of any meal that gets put in front of me, it's unhealthy. I'm wasting away to nothing and I'm terrified to go because who will be here for Kat? She's terrified that I'm not going to wake up, she spends every waking hour lying next to me. She feels responsible for what happened to me, how do I tell my teenage daughter that it's not her fault? You always had a way with words, I was never any good."

Kat had been sitting outside her mother's closed door the entire time, her heart breaking in half the longer she listened to the message. She had no idea how deep her mother's emotions ran as far as her partner was concerned. She had somehow listened without making a peep, even though she was desperately trying to contain her own tears. Elliot leaving didn't just affect Olivia, Kat's trust had been destroyed. Elliot was the first man she had ever truly considered a father figure, his departure had hit the hardest because she couldn't understand his reasoning. Bringing her back to reality was her mother's voice continuing on, "I wish that you were here to tell me everything's going to be okay, because right now, I'm not so sure it will. There's only so much a person can take, and I don't think I can take anything more right now. It's frightening to live in a world where there are people who only care about taking you out of it. I became a statistic," Olivia paused as she stumbled over the ending sentence, "I became a v-i-victim."

"Life can be so incredibly cruel, El. The sad thing is that I lost all faith in humanity after this. It's heart-breaking to be caught in slow motion while the rest of the world is moving on with their business. Life doesn't stop for anyone and sometimes I wish that he would have ended it when he had the chance. I know that's not what you want to here, but that's the state my life is currently in. In every single crowded room I've been in, I still look for your face. I've accepted that you're not coming back, I know I'll probably never see you again. I just wanted to say that I'm truly sorry for how things ended up and that I'm still here. I'm alive, but I can't say the same for you. I hope you're doing well and if some day, the wind decides to bring you back around, we'll still be here."

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**I'd REALLY love it if you left a review, they make my day brighter and let me know how y'all are liking this story.**


	33. Chapter 33

**So, it's been QUITE a while since I've last updated.**

**#1: Camp ended and it was VERY bittersweet, I had such an amazing summer! Camp truly is my favorite place on Earth!**

**#2: I went to see Zac Brown Band at Fenway Park, and y'all need to see them ASAP.**

**#3: I moved into school and I started classes on August 26th so it's been a blast sitting in class when it's 90 degrees outside (LOL YEAH RIGHT).**

**#4: I drove 8 1/2 hours last Friday to see Kenny Chesney with my best friends at Gillette. I waited 3 YEARS to see him and let me tell you, he did NOT disappoint. It was totally worth driving all that way and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.**

**#5: I'm on Twitter, I lead a pretty interesting life! fearLIZness17**

**#6: Reviews make me smile, I'd love it if you left one! :)**

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Hanging up the phone took less than three seconds but after twelve years of memories, she couldn't quite bring her mind back to reality. It was hard enough dealing with the emotional and physical trauma that was brought on by Lewis but the deep aching in her heart was something far worse. No matter how hard she tried to fight off the feeling, one thing couldn't be denied; she was heartbroken. Heartbroken for a time she couldn't go back to and for a person she couldn't quite forget.

She had recalled all of the fights, the times of sorrow and comfort but she couldn't quite forget Gitano. If there was any case in her career that she could go back and fix, that was it. She chose her partner over the job, something she had told herself countless times that she would never do. It almost cost her the partnership, the friendship and _his life._

They had spent the rest of the afternoon ignoring each other, they couldn't understand the events that went down earlier. No matter how much they tried to reason with themselves, they were both in the wrong. It's a life or death job, if you make a mistake, it'll cost you, big time. One wrong move, game over. The rest of the squad had gotten wind of the situation before Elliot and Olivia came barging into the squad room. The other detectives had heard bits and pieces but they were all ears once Olivia finally lost it.

_"Is there something you want to say to me? Because if you do, let's hear it." She loudly asked as she came face to face with her partner in the squad room._

_He looked her square in the eyes, blatantly questioning, "Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"_

_"He was using the child as a shield!" There was no way she was getting thrown under the bus, she was defending herself in the best way she knew how. He was angry and she knew that you don't get in the way but regardless, she stood her ground._

_"How could you let him get so close to you?"_

_She pressed again, making her stance on the issue clear. "There were innocent civilians around! I couldn't get a shot."_

_"Well, you got close, and Ryan's dead." His voice was cold as his eyes pierced hers. The blame in his voice was dripping with sarcasm and his anger was only adding more fuel to the fire._

_She couldn't believe what she was hearing, it wasn't even close to being her fault. The situation was out of her control, no matter which side she was on. Children were involved and in Olivia's book, that was something you just don't play around with. With Elliot being a father, he of all people should understand but in the heat of the moment, it was all thrown out the window._

_He threw his hands up in the air, stopping before he turned to walk away, "I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over your shoulder making sure you're okay!"_

_Olivia quickly followed him throughout the squad room, she was enraged that he would even think of saying that, let alone in a face to face conversation. "You son of a bitch! You know that's not true!"_

_As he was making his way out of the squad room, he stopped mid-step and quickly turned around. His mind was running a mile a minute and his mouth was trying so desperately to keep up. This was a battle, something that neither Detective wanted to lose for the sake of their dignity and reputation. He had taken two steps closer to Olivia, his voice cold as ice. "I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!"_

She had wished many times that she would wake up and see him standing at the foot of her bed or that when the doorbell rang, he'd be standing on the other side. She had spent the last three years wishing that his departure had just been some screwed up pipe dream. After a twelve year partnership, it was hard not to get emotionally invested and Olivia was slowly breaking every promise she had made as far as Elliot went. Calling him was something she thought would never happen and she silently thanked her lucky stars that he didn't pick up.

Kat, on the other hand, couldn't fathom how much pain her mother was in. She had been sitting on her mother's bed for not even twenty seconds before Olivia spoke, "I'm sorry, for everything."

The teenager shook her head as she ran her fingers through the few strands of hair in her eyes, "No, you don't get to say that. You of all people, have nothing to apologize for."

Olivia was closely watching her daughter as she rambled on, "This was completely out of your control. No one knew this was even going to happen, it's not your fault." The eldest Benson couldn't help but feel a sense of sorrow for the way Kat had seemingly dropped everything to take on the role of caregiver. Before her daughter could go any further, Olivia gently cut her off. "Babe, stop. Let me finish." She paused as she saw her daughter grow quiet and more into herself, "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I barely talk to you and when I do, I'm more often than not, in tears. God knows I could fill the Atlantic Ocean with the tears I've shed. I'm in bed, constantly and in pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I yelled at you the other day and it was horrible. I'm stuck in a body that isn't mine for reasons that you don't know." Olivia was trying to keep her emotions in check, she didn't want to freak Kat out any more than she was right now, "You don't know because I was trying so hard to keep my job and home separate, but that got shot to hell. I was trying to protect you and in the process, you were kept in the dark."

"That's not my business to ask, you went through hell and back." Kat looked at her mother who was just a shadow of her former self, it was heartbreaking to watch someone you love struggle. "This is your fight and your story. It's okay if you don't ever tell me and it's okay if you tell me 30 years from now, you don't have to force this if you're not ready. It's about you, not me."

She nodded at her daughter and there was a few seconds of silence before she managed to speak, "It's my story, and you deserve to know. You have every right, so ask away."

Kat hesitated, so many things were flying through her mind. Of course she wanted to know what had happened but she didn't want to ask a question that sent her mother into a frenzy of flashbacks. Her voice was quiet when she spoke, just above a whisper, "Start from the beginning."

"You were at Maggie's doing your school project and I had worked a late night. It was a hard day and I was avoiding going home to an empty house. Cragen had given me two days leave, he said I'd be fired if I set foot in the squad room. I had stopped at the bodega and just about every other place I could think of, and when I ran out of things to do, I reluctantly went home." She sighed, before continuing, "Things were different when I walked in the door, something was off. I heard something in the back bedroom and before I could turn the corner, that's when he came at me. That's when I found myself looking down the barrel of a gun."

"How did he get in? How did he know where we lived?"

Olivia shrugged, "I really don't know, he probably followed me or kept an eye out on the house. I was a target from the beginning, sweetheart." She gently took her daughters hand in her own and gently continued, "He tied me up to a dining room chair, I fought him and I fought him hard. He lost it with the more I struggled and beat me. He forced some pills down my throat, made me drink some cheap vodka before duck taping my mouth. I don't really remember much for a while after that."

She had felt a few tears well up in her eyes at the sound of what her mother endured alone, Kat blamed herself. She knew she shouldn't have stayed at Maggie's longer, "When I called you to say I was staying at Maggie's overnight, was he with you?"

"My phone went off," Olivia nodded, "but he let it ring. He listened to the voice-mail and played it for me to hear. I was so confident when I heard your voice that you were going to walk in that door and when you said you were staying at Maggie's," She took a deep breath, she was nowhere near ready to tell Kat any of this but she somehow kept trucking on, "I told him to shoot me."

The teenager's jaw dropped and before she could get a word out, her mother cut her off. "He kept me in that chair, taunting me as he inspected all of the pictures on the walls. When I defended you or fought him in any way, he'd press his cigarette to my skin or cut me with his pocket-knife. He held the gun to my head and threatened he'd shoot me if I moved even an inch and when I did, that's when he knocked me out."

"When I woke up, I was in someone's house, one that I had never seen before. There was a woman, an older woman laying down on the bed and when he came in the room, he got down on his knees in front of me. He said I had to watch and if I closed my eyes or turned away," She paused as she remembered his voice in her ear and the feeling of his hands on her knees, "he'd kill her."

"He didn't though, right? He didn't actually kill her, did he?" Kat hesitantly asked, not really sure as to whether she wanted to find out the answer.

Olivia sighed as her eyes went down to her lap, "No, he didn't kill her. It was agonizing to watch. I turned away and every time I did, he'd press a cigarette to my chest or kick me in the ribs. After a while, I passed out from the pain and when I woke up, I thought she was dead from the trauma. I think one of her daughters called the police after they got away because we weren't there for too long after."

"Where did he take you?"

"He threw me in the back of an SUV and when I cried out in pain, he'd hit me a little harder. Even when he was driving, he'd reach back and slam his fist down on my ribs. He had me covered up in a tarp he bought at a hardware store somewhere and he was driving down this back road when a cop flashed his lights. I truly thought this was my way out, that I was going to be able to be rescued but I was so incredibly wrong." She remembered the young cop, fresh out of the academy – most likely working his first night shift. "He was so innocent, the job hadn't hit him yet and with Lewis, it was the wrong night to be on the job. The young cop hadn't heard about Lewis yet and my heart just about broke in two when I heard the gunshot go off."

Kat had noticed that Olivia had gotten a little paler since she started talking, it was obvious her mother didn't want to talk about it and it confused the teenager. It almost sounded like Olivia had rehearsed what she was going to say, she was so emotionally detached that it truly scared Kat. She didn't know what was going to come out of her mother's mouth and she didn't know what to even expect. "He killed that cop?"

Olivia slowly nodded, "Didn't have much of a chance from the beginning. Lewis had an agenda, that's the way he worked. He drove for a long time, I lost track or I passed out. The next thing I know, he's ripping off the duck tape and shoving pills down my throat again. I begged for water but because of all the vodka, my throat was so dry that nothing came out. He taunted me with the water bottle in his hand and when I cried out for it, he pressed his gun up against my temple and told me to beg again." She whimpered slightly, "He treated me like an animal."

"But you made it out, alive." Kat reassured her mother who was crumbling slowly at the realization of what was coming next.

"That's not the end," Olivia shook her head, "It's far from it."

"He took me to a beach house out on Long Island, I'm pretty sure he was just driving around until he found an abandoned house. When we stopped, he threw me on the ground and told me to pick myself back up. He said if I was Badass Benson, I could do it." She tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear as the memories were flooding her memory, "I couldn't and that's when he dragged me into the house, throwing me on an old iron frame bed in one of the bedrooms. The duck tape over my mouth muffled most of my screams, I ached and the pain made my body feel like it was on fire, but he didn't care."

"He tied me up to the bed with rope he had found in the shed out back, he talked on and on about how perfect this house was. Hours went by without food and with every passing second, all I could think of was you. I prayed to God that you didn't take it upon yourself to start a search party, I didn't want you involved. When he came back from abandoning the car, he found me struggling to get off of the bed and he lost it. His anger got the best of him and I payed the price for it." Pointing to all of her bruises on her face, Olivia continued, "That's where all of these came from."

Kat wiped a stray tear from her eye as she looked at the deep purple bruises on her mother's face, she had never really gotten a good look before now. It was awful knowing that each bruise had its own story behind it, it gave her chills thinking about it. Before she could get too deep in her own thoughts, Olivia continued, "He pinned me down on the bed, and told me he wanted a struggle." The tears started to well up as she realized that her daughter will no longer live her life in the same way after hearing this story. "When he unbuckled his belt, that's when I knew what was about to happen."

The room fell quiet as the gears in Kat's head started turning. She couldn't fathom the situation she was in right now and to her, it felt like her world had stopped. Her voice was quiet and filled with sympathy once she finally found the words, "You were – He r-"

Olivia nodded as the sob finally escaped her body. She held her good hand to her face as she tried to quickly wipe the tears away but she just couldn't keep up. The last brick in her wall had shattered and she truly didn't know how to rebuild her life back up to what it was. Kat had enveloped her mother into her embrace and was doing the very best she could to comfort the woman she loved so very much. Out of all the words in the world, nothing could even come close to what Olivia needed. Her body was wracked with sobs which only aggravated the pain in her body grow more severe. Kat was gently running her fingers through her mother's long brown hair, "It's okay, it's all over now. He won't ever get to you again, I'll make sure of it."

The eldest Benson gently pulled away from her daughter's embrace before looking into Kat's eyes, her eyes gave away exactly how Olivia was feeling, "I-I be-became a v-vic-victim."

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	34. Chapter 34

**So, I wrote this in one sitting - productive or nah?**

**#1: I went home with one of my roommates this past weekend, she lives in Ohio and it was super fun. We went to a bunch of fun places, including a hole in the wall bar in the absolute middle of nowhere - it was fascinating to people watch, let me tell ya!**

**#2: Ohio State won last night so GO BUCKS! (College football or any football is my favorite but I prefer to watch the Patriots and Ohio State)**

**#3: I changed the story around a little bit so it isn't the same as the show and PSA if you don't like it: cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it. It's harsh but it is what it is.**

**#4: I'm on Twitter - fearLIZness17**

**#5: I'd love it if you left a review, they make my day! :)**

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The two Benson's had been laying together in bed for hours, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. Neither of them had moved, it was like their world had stopped turning. In the beginning, it had been tears from both women but now, it was silence. No talking, no sniffling, no movement. Life was a frenzy, a storm that neither women had ever seen coming. Each day was becoming a marathon, every second being a struggle to the next. Kat had fallen asleep some time ago, the pure exhaustion from crying had worn her out and it left Olivia, staring at her daughter who had become so much more mature than she remembered. From constantly being in some kind of a drug induced haze, Olivia hadn't seen the drastic transformation as clearly as she had liked. It was a tough situation for her to grasp, she had missed defining moments in her daughters life for reasons that were out of her control.

_The vomiting had woken up Olivia from a dead sleep, those sounds were immediately recognizable to her. She had gone running into Kat's bedroom to find her four year old daughter sobbing, her pajamas soaked in vomit. The poor girl hadn't had enough time to make it to the bathroom, instead she sat frozen on her bed. Olivia immediately scooped up an empty trashcan, holding it in front of Kat right in the nick of time. She quickly tied up the young girl's hair and began rubbing small circles on her back, attempting to soothe her daughter in any way possible. "It's alright, Mommy's here."_

_Kat couldn't form a sentence and when she tried, she could barely get a word out before she vomited once more. She had mumbled a number of times but she just couldn't seem to catch her breath amidst the sobbing. Olivia knew that it had been the dinner Kat had eaten, she hadn't been herself in the time after and the contents of the vomit had been the confirmation. In a few seconds of silence, Olivia asked, "Do you still feel sick, babe?"_

_The four year old looked up at her mother and shook her head slowly. Sniffling slightly, she pointed to her stained pajamas, "I-I didn't m-mean to."_

_Olivia stood up and went into the closet, pulling out a fresh pair of pajamas and a new bed-spread. After putting new clothes on her daughter, she had placed Kat on the rocking chair with a cleaned bin in her lap, just in case the vomiting was to start again. The eldest Benson put the dirty clothes in the middle of the bed before wrapping the covers into a ball, making sure the mess didn't get anywhere else. She had left her daughter for not even two seconds to put the sheets in the laundry before she heard crying again. Walking into the room, she found Kat with her arms outreached and crying to be held._

_"Hey, hey, it's okay. Mommy's here." Olivia quietly said as she scooped her daughter up into her embrace. Kat had immediately latched on and would not for the life of her let go, something that Olivia wasn't expecting. Sitting down in the rocking chair, Olivia laid her hands on Kat's back while whispering quiet words of comfort. Her daughter was tired, and didn't feel 100%, something Olivia wished she could take away but in the absence of that perfect world, the rocking chair would have to do. Kat was sucking on her thumb and whimpering slightly as she slowly calmed down, Olivia gently spoke every so often, "I'm right here, you're safe as can be."_

Olivia hadn't exactly been a parent lately, she hadn't really even been much of a person either. Having to be taken care of all the time, she felt more like a child than anything. It wasn't easy to have Kat take care of her every need, it had been an adjustment and even now, it still wasn't easy to be so vulnerable all the time. She had felt guilty that so much of her daughter's life now revolved around being a nurse and taking so much responsibility on. If it wasn't for Kat, Olivia would probably still be in the hospital or even in much worse shape than she was now. She had been incredibly grateful for her daughter's love and support but she couldn't help but feel responsible for Kat's fleeting innocence. Olivia knew that Kat understood the severity of SVU and how dangerous things could get but after every case, Kat could never have seen something like this coming.

_Olivia hadn't seen Kat all day, she had worked a late night and truthfully wasn't expecting to waltz in the door close to midnight. She had quietly put her bags down on the kitchen table and made her way into her bedroom, a place she had desperately wanted to crawl into after the day she had. She had found Kat curled up with one of the pillows over her face, something that Olivia was used to. The Detective lifted up the pillow to tell Kat she was home and that's when she saw the massive bruise on her daughter's face. The teenager stirred and was startled when she saw her mother's horrified expression on her face. "Sorry, I just kind of fell asleep here."_

_The eldest Benson sat down on the edge of the bed, "Babe, what happened?"_

_Kat hesitated and when the tears started welling up in her eyes, she spoke, "Brendan hit me."_

_"What do you mean he hit you?" Olivia gently questioned._

_"I-I told him I w-was done," She blurted out, "a-and he lost it."_

_Olivia sighed, "Oh sweetheart."_

_"I'm-I'm sorry, I-I w-was going to t-tell you i-in the morning."_

_She immediately wrapped her arms around her sobbing daughter, Olivia couldn't imagine someone hurting her baby girl. She had seen victims of domestic violence day in and day out at SVU and she never thought her daughter would become the target. "Was that the only time he'd hit you?"_

_Kat shook her head, "O-Once before th-this."_

_"Where else did he hit you?"_

_The teenager pointed to her ribs, "He br-broke o-one of t-them."_

_Olivia had absolutely no idea that her daughter was that close with another boy. She knew that Kat would talk to some of the boys on the baseball team after her softball team had practice but that was as far as her knowledge went. Olivia was kicking herself that she hadn't been around for her daughter in the last two weeks, she didn't even see any sure-fire signs that anything was even going on. Being the expert, she was filled with intense regret and anger for the situation her daughter was now faced with. Rocking her daughter back and forth, Olivia rambled, "I am so, so sorry this happened to you. None of this is even close to being your fault and I won't let him lay another hand on you for as long as I live."_

Olivia had never even thought about becoming a mother when she first started out at SVU, the job was her life and that had been sufficient enough. As the years flew by, the thought of having children were in the very front of her thoughts. From the very second she learned she was pregnant, Olivia vowed to be a better mother than her own was. Of course she was nervous when Kat was born and Olivia was raising her by herself but as she watched Kat grow up, she was so immensely proud of the woman she had raised. Kat had defied the odds and the expectations that were given to her. The teenager had been a tremendous Godsend throughout the Lewis ordeal and Olivia couldn't even imagine where she'd be without Kat. Truthfully, the only reason why Olivia even made it out alive after Lewis was because of her daughter – after everyone who had walked out of her life, Kat was the only one that remained a constant presence.

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It was a slow day at the 1-6, only adding to the pattern of days that seemed to crawl by. Not having Olivia there was hard on everyone, her presence was always appreciated and she embodied the spirit of SVU. Her desk had sat empty, a harsh reminder of the events that had transpired only days earlier. Each Detective had made visits to Olivia's to check up on her but every time they saw her injuries, it was a grim reality check. Fin had been sitting at his own desk all day, waiting for calls to come in for statements but they just never came. He had long since run out of ideas to occupy himself and the stack of paperwork wasn't getting any smaller.

_He had seen her walk out of the interrogation room with red, puffy eyes. He knew that she had heard the news that Elliot wasn't coming back and he knew how much that was going to hurt her. Fin had wanted to kill Elliot when Cragen pulled him aside earlier that day to tell him the news. Cragen had made him promise that he'd look out for Olivia, they both knew the emotional toll it was going to take. After all, twelve years wasn't just nothing. He had asked if she wanted to go out on a call only minutes after she found out but she ultimately said no. It was unlike her to pass up talking to a victim but Fin amounted it to the pure shock of the situation._

_In the following days, he had kept a watchful eye on her. He caught her sneaking quick glances at Elliot's empty desk or at the doorway whenever a Uni walked in. Fin knew that for every Uni that walked through the threshold, Olivia was wishing that it had been Elliot. He even saw her leave her desk, only to come back minutes later with glassy eyes, a dead giveaway that she had been crying. She was withdrawn, quiet, only a shadow of her former self. No one dared ask her how she was doing, the Uni's were always caught staring and the squad was just hoping they wouldn't see her hit rock bottom._

_Fin had been sitting in the bar down the street when he saw her walk in. Truthfully, he didn't think that she'd show up but he was glad she did. He gave her a hug, and looked at her with a questioning look on his face, one that made her question, "What's that look for?"_

_"I'm worried about you, Liv." Fin confessed, "You're not yourself, you're different."_

_She looked at him coldly, "Losing your partner does that to you."_

_"Ouch," Fin replied as he gave her a sympathetic look, "He had his reasons, I hope you know that it wasn't you."_

_She took a long swig of her beer, "He tell you that?"_

_Fin watched her as she quickly turned around once the door to the bar opened, "You thought it was him, didn't you."_

_"No," Olivia scoffed in an attempt to downplay the question, "Why did you ask me here anyways, to interrogate me about my life choices? To make fun of the fact that my partner walked away without a word after twelve years?"_

_"Liv, you know that's not true." Fin gently replied as he took a short sip of his whiskey, "You know me better than that to even think that's why you're here."_

_She sat back in her chair, staring at Fin as he continued on, "He cared about you, you'd have to be blind not to see it. It's crappy that things ended up the way they did, I get that. I'm not the only one whose worried about you," Fin paused, "Elliot is too."_

_Olivia almost choked on her beer, "He what? You saw him?"_

_Fin nodded, "Ran into him on the street, didn't really believe it was him at first until he started asking about you."_

_"Like he would even care," She said sarcastically, "he's the one who walked out of my life."_

_"That's not what he wanted you to think. It's not what he told me before he said he was turning his papers in."_

_The beer in her hand had dropped to the floor, the glass shattering and the beer spreading in a puddle on the ground, "You knew?"_

_Fin was hesitant to reply, but he knew lying would be detrimental to their friendship. "He told me the day before he was planning on giving the papers to Kathy."_

_She couldn't even believe what she was hearing, "You knew, and you decided it would be okay not to tell me? The thought to prepare me for the worst day of my life didn't cross your mind? My partner walked out, gone and you of all people knew about it? I can't even believe you."_

_As he was getting ready to talk, Olivia was already throwing on her jacket and fumbling for her keys. "Liv, wait."_

_She quickly turned around and pointed her finger at Fin, "No, you don't get to do this! You don't have the right to pull me in here and talk about my life."_

_"Liv, come on." Fin replied as he saw her turn her back to walk away._

_"Go to hell."_

Fin remembered the day like it was yesterday, Olivia hadn't spoken to him for weeks and it almost cost him their friendship. Even after she finally came around, the both of them never spoke a word about the words that were exchanged in the bar all those years ago. Fin had made a promise to Elliot and he wasn't about to break it over something as big as this. Olivia would kill Fin if she ever knew what he was doing, she didn't even know that Kat had said something one night when she was sleeping. A promise is a promise and even if he never picked up the phone, at least he knew that he did everything he could.

He had started off with calling Kathy, he figured that she must have had some idea as to where Elliot was currently. It was a short phone call, she hadn't heard much from him after the divorce but she gave Fin his phone number anyways.

The post-it note was the focus of Fin's attention, never in a million years did he think that he would ever be calling Stabler for a favor. The two didn't always see eye to eye, especially when Fin argued that Elliot was only watching Olivia's backside instead of watching her back like he should. He didn't want to be calling Elliot, but he put all of his differences aside to do this for Olivia, one of his oldest friends.

Fin began dialing the phone number, _617-555-7439._

He wasn't even sure what he was expecting as he listened to the ringing,_ 1, 2, 3, 4._

Just as he was about to hang up the phone in defeat, he heard the phone click and the instinctive voice, "Stabler."

"Nice to hear your voice again, man." Fin chuckled to a just as surprised Elliot.

Elliot questioned, "Fin? How the hell have you been?"

"Just great, where the heck are you? You just about fell off the face of the Earth!"

He laughed, the same way that drove Fin absolutely crazy over the years, "Boston, not the same as NYC but a good change of pace. What do I owe the pleasure?"

Fin questioned, "You been watching the news lately?"

"Nah," Elliot replied, "Haven't had the chance to, I just got out from undercover. Boss had me working in a drug ring, we were pretty secluded in there anyways. I'm sure it's just the same old news anyways, politics and bureaucracy never really interested me."

"Half of the headlines in the papers and the news don't even deserve a front page spot." Fin was making small talk, he didn't immediately want to come right out and say it. They had talked about the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry and how awful the Celtics were. Elliot mentioned how the kids were doing and how much of a change Boston had been. After all of the chit-chat, Fin had taken advantage of the lull in the conversation, "I don't mean to get all sappy, but there's something I gotta tell ya, man."

"Lay it on me," He laughed, "I've heard it all at this point in my career."

Fin shook his head, "It's about Liv."

"What do you mean it's about Liv? Is she okay? Did something happen? Is she dead?" Elliot spit out half a million questions as just about every thought flew through his mind.

"She's alive," Fin quietly said, "but things have happened."

"What kinds of things Fin? You have to tell me, man."

"Look, it's better if you come out here and I can tell you in person."

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	35. Chapter 35

**So, since I've last updated:**

**#1: I visited my sister at college, she's a freshman and it was super nice to hang out with her again! **

**#2: I changed the story around a little bit as far as the Amanda and Liv friendship goes. In the show, I know Amanda wasn't around when Elliot left but in the story, she was. Deal with it.**

**#3: I'm on Twitter (come be my friend) - fearLIZness17**

**#4: If you'd leave a review after reading, it would be MUCH appreciated! :)**

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He had managed to jump on the next plane out of Boston and had landed in JFK shortly after. It was a quick flight, but it was spent with images of her playing in his head. He couldn't quite shake the conversation he had on the phone, Fin had given him barely any information. Truthfully, he was holding on to the fact that she was alive.

After just about running down a TSA officer on his way out of the airport, he hailed a cab in typical fashion. There was traffic, there was an accident somewhere downtown and the drive dragged on for longer than he would have hoped. He couldn't picture the last time he had seen Olivia and every bad scenario he could think of was flying through his mind. There was a lot of reflecting but he had no idea what he was getting himself into, or how things had changed since he'd left.

When the cab finally stopped outside of the 16supth/sup precinct, he threw a wad of cash at the driver, not even caring enough to make sure it was correct. Something about the precinct looked different and when he walked into the squad room, everything flooded back to him.

_He couldn't believe that he pulled the trigger. He heard the screams, and then silence. It was as if time had stood still, bodies were all over the squad room and Detectives were huddled behind desks in order to shield themselves. He had heard her last words as he held his hand to her bloody chest in an attempt to buy her more time. He had lost that battle and was now staring a lifeless teenager, one who could easily have been old enough to be his daughter._

_Looking up, he turned around to see his partner with a stunned look on her face. She didn't know how to react to the situation that had played out before her very eyes. Everything had come as a surprise to the entire squad room and instead of a work place, it was now a crime scene. She knew what was coming and she could see it in his eyes. He felt responsible and she was going to do everything in her power to make sure IAB didn't screw this up._

_Two IAB officers had quickly whisked them away into separate interrogation rooms and when he was finally let go, he kept walking and never quite stopped. He had passed countless store-fronts, restaurants and people who were living their everyday lives. He wasn't even sure where he was walking until he found himself staring at an empty suitcase which was sitting on his bed. He had no choice in the matter, he had to walk away._

Munch had spotted him walking through the door and immediately questioned, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too," Elliot laughed, "Fin called me."

Nick and Amanda had given questioning looks to Elliot who they had only heard of in conversations. Amaro was furious and as far as he was concerned, Elliot shouldn't have even showed his face in the squad room. He couldn't put it past him that Elliot had just walked out of his partner's life without so much as a goodbye, or even a word since. Nick had become increasingly more protective of Olivia, he obviously had big shoes to fill and he didn't want to be another disappointment in her life. Amanda was confused and had ultimately remembered what Kat had confessed to her and Fin one night. She had mixed emotions about the entire situation but it wasn't her call to make, she was just honoring her friend's wishes, even if her friend had no idea what was going on behind closed doors. She had remembered watching Olivia go through every stage of grief twice over and she couldn't imagine the toll it would take if it happened again.

Before anyone could fight him about his intentions, Fin swooped in and brought Elliot back to one of the interrogation rooms. It wasn't an ideal place to disclose all of the events throughout the past couple of years but since there was no other office, it would have to do. He was pacing, one of his definitive tendencies whenever his mind couldn't quite catch up to his brain. Five million questions were soaring through his mind before he finally asked, "What happened to her?"

Fin sat down as his eyes watched Elliot pacing back and forth, occasionally glancing over at the folder that was sitting on the table. "She was kidnapped."

"Kidnapped?" Elliot chuckled, "You're joking."

"No, I'm not." Fin was solemn, "It was bad, and things got ugly real fast." He paused before looking Elliot straight in the eye, "You better sit your ass down and prepare yourself."

Reluctantly, he pulled the chair out, folding his hands in his lap as he sat down. He had no idea where this was going to end up and he found himself thinking that he better get serious about the situation at hand because Fin wasn't making this up. "How?"

A picture of William Lewis was slid across the table, "Rollins picked him up in the park after he exposed some tourists. We only got evidence from a photographer who just happened to be nearby, she was shooting some birds in the park. We all had the day off but she had a feeling about him that just wasn't right. I mean the guy burned his fingers to avoid having his prints run through the system."

"He have any priors?"

"We couldn't find anything on him. There wasn't enough evidence to hold him and sure enough, he went to the photographers house. Cragen had gone over to return her camera after TARU had finished going through it. He had no idea that Lewis was even in the apartment until one of her neighbors found her bruised and battered the next morning." Fin slid a picture of Alice Parker across the table, "He held her hostage for 19 hours."

Elliot shook his head, "Did the rest of her body look as bad as what he did to her face?"

"Even worse." Fin replied, "He branded her, with keys, coat hangers, anything he could find. He held lit cigarettes to her body, forced alcohol and pills down her throat, among countless other atrocities."

"Rape?"

Fin nodded, "At least three times, she died from a heart attack a few days after she got out of the hospital. Warner didn't think it was from stress but we all speculated it was just the horror she experienced at the hands of him."

"I'm assuming you took him to court, right?"

"We picked him up outside of a bodega and brought him in for questioning. Nick and Liv were the first ones to go after him. She went after him hard, and Lewis came right back at her even harder. The second he threatened her, Nick just about killed him. Liv played it off and sat down in front of Lewis, asking him to spell out everything he did to Alice Parker. Lewis immediately grabbed the bait, before he began couching everything in a hypothetical so nothing could be tied back to him." Fin shook his head as he remembered how distraught Liv was, "Cragen pulled them out soon after Lewis' lawyer showed up, it really got to Liv."

Elliot sighed, "Of course it did, she probably thought she was close to breaking him."

"That's Liv for ya," Fin laughed, "Cragen sent her home to see Kat and to try to separate herself from the case. When we all reconvened, it was in court. Lewis' hotshot lawyer-girlfriend fought like hell for the son of a bitch. She tried to rip all of us apart, especially Liv but she threw it right back, like always." Fin paused, "His lawyer made Warner look awful, especially when she brought up the possibility of contamination in the DNA testing. It was news to Barba and the judge gave a short recess because of it. We all went back to the precinct and a few hours later, that's when we got the call."

"He walked, didn't he."

"Judge declared a mistrial." Fin quietly recalled, "Liv was horrified, as was everyone else. Cragen gave her two days of mandatory leave and when she fought him, he threatened to arrest her if she showed up to work."

"She's never taken a day off in her life," Elliot recalled how Olivia would show up even if she was incredibly ill or even through other pressing circumstances, "Please tell me you checked on her."

"Nick said she left here in near tears so we left her alone for a day. Day 2 had come and gone but when Day 3 came with no word from her, that's when I called Kat." Fin felt some sense of guilt for not looking after his oldest friend better but it was too late for that now, "She hadn't talked to her so that's when I met Kat at the apartment. I wish she hadn't gotten there before me, she saw everything." Fin slid Elliot a few pictures of the crime scene that was the Benson apartment, "Pictures don't even do this stuff justice."

Elliot surveyed each of the pictures and was genuinely horrified at what he saw. He couldn't even imagine the struggle she put up to get away from this sadistic person. Lewis had an agenda and he had obviously fulfilled it in the apartment, only to leave it completely destroyed. Fin had explained that Amanda had taken Kat under her wing and made sure that she was taken care of and okay as she could be under the circumstances. Elliot had asked about the next place that Lewis had taken Olivia and he had explained the Mayer's house, the horrors that played out and the intentions of Lewis. "He drove her around in a black SUV for one of the nights, she was laying in the back seat, hidden under a tarp. A rookie cop pulled Lewis over but Lewis shot him before he could place a call back to the dispatcher. He pistol-whipped a woman and her baby before ending up at some beach house out on Long Island."

The former Detective had noticed how Fin had hesitated once he talked about the beach house. He wasn't sure if he wanted to call him out on it but he decided to anyways, "What happened at the beach house, Fin."

"You need to prepare yourself, Elliot." Fin warned, "It's worse than any of us could have ever imagined and she hasn't given us her full statement, just pieces."

"I've heard it all at this point Fin," Elliot defended himself, "Just come right out and say it."

"It's different when it's someone you know, you'll find that out." Fin paused before slowly continuing despite his warning to Elliot, "He probably beat her, branded her, cut her with knives, etc. She was in really rough shape when we found her."

"She called you guys?"

Fin nodded, "I don't know how she did it, or how she even got a hold of a phone but she called Nick. We tracked the phone to the beach house and he found her passed out on one of the reclining chairs in the corner bedroom. The house was a disaster, it was like nothing any of us had ever seen before. There was blood on all of the walls and all over the floor. There were cigarettes and beer cans strewn everywhere, and the smell was awful. You never quite get used to the smell of burnt hair and flesh, it's not very pleasant."

Elliot shook his head, "Where was Lewis?"

"Uni's found him chained to the iron-framed bed in the next room. He looked rough, one step away from death with what she did to him. He was carted off to Bellevue for care, even though he probably didn't deserve it after all the things he did."

"And how was she, I mean, when you found her?"

It pained Fin to slide the picture of Liv across the table. Her ordeal wasn't public knowledge and there were very few people that actually knew the full story, or even the full extent of her injuries. The picture didn't even cover the rest of her body and the Olivia that Elliot knew, was the opposite of who he was looking at. It made his skin crawl and it took everything in him to not lose his cool over what Lewis had done to his most beloved friend. Fin spoke up as he saw Elliot's blood beginning to boil, "She was worse than what that photo shows. At first, none of us believed it her until she waved paramedics off inside the house. In true Liv fashion, she insisted she could walk out on her own two feet, but in reality, Nick did most of the work until she finally let EMS take over." Elliot was rubbing his face with his hands as he began to picture the scene in his head. He wished he could have been there, or even knew that this had happened. Fin continued, "They took her to Mercy, and she was quickly whisked away into an exam room. We didn't hear any news for hours."

"Was Kat with you?" Elliot questioned, "What did the doctors say when they came out?"

Fin nodded, "Amanda brought Kat in and the Doctors pulled the squad out into the hallway to tell us how she was doing. It was a lot worse than we had all thought. She had a fractured wrist, varying degrees of burns on her chest and arms. Practically all of her ribs were broken or fractured, she had a severe concussion. She had deep lacerations on her wrists, arms, stomach and her face. Her ankle was sprained, her eye socket was broken and almost every inch of her body was bruised in some way."

Elliot shook his head in disbelief, "No, that's not her. She never would have let things get that bad. She's one hell of a fighter," He sighed, "but she gave up."

"No, Elliot." Fin fought back. He didn't understand the partnership that they had, it baffled him. Fin absolutely hated Elliot but he put on a face so that Liv wouldn't stop talking to him altogether. "She didn't give up. Lewis over-powered her, he did everything he could to try to break her. That's not on Liv, that's on him."

"How long was she in the hospital?"

"Few days, she didn't want any visitors for the first day or so. The only person she really let see her was Amanda. I went in there twice to talk to her about bringing Kat in but she quickly refused, telling me to take her anywhere but her room."

"She was pushing you away," Elliot softly replied, "it's what she does when she's scared."

"Kat ended up sneaking in Liv's room on her own when we weren't looking. I'm sure it freaked Liv out to no end, but she somehow sucked it up for Kat's sake." Fin told Elliot about taking Kat away and how heart-breaking it was to tell the teenager that her mother just didn't have the heart to see her. He spoke about the flashbacks, the screaming and most of all, the crying. Bringing Olivia home was a different story, "Nick was the one to bring her back to her place. We all pitched in to fix it up because we knew she wasn't going to go anywhere else. She's been there for a couple days now, I saw her two days ago when I brought Kat back home."

Elliot was confused, "Why'd you bring Kat back home?"

"Amanda had given her the night off, the poor girl was exhausted and barely sleeping because she couldn't bear to leave Liv. It was a struggle to get her to leave at first but once we got to Amanda's, she settled down when she realized I wasn't driving her back until the next morning." Fin laughed, "She knew I meant business."

"How's Liv holding up?"

"It's hard for her, Stabler." Fin confessed, "She doesn't want help and she's struggling with being so vulnerable. Before Lewis, I could count the number of times I'd seen her cry on two fingers and now, her tears just don't ever stop. She's frustrated, she can't really move around much by herself and it takes a lot of effort on her part to even get up in the morning. Liv is on more meds than she knows what to do with, and although she would never tell you, she doesn't feel like herself. She's different, probably depressed and truthfully, Lewis did a hell of a lot more than break her."

He swallowed, digesting all of the information that he had heard about his old partner and his best friend. He couldn't even imagine what she must be going through and he felt so angry at himself for not hearing about Lewis sooner. However, only one question still remained in his mind, "Was she raped?"

Sighing and looking down at the folder before he looked at Elliot, Fin spoke, "That's something you'll have to ask her."

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	36. Chapter 36

**Since, I've last updated: **

**#1: I saved a baby bunny from being eaten by a cat last night with my roommates - the poor thing was stuck in the chain-link fence behind our apartment. I kid you not, the bunny sounded like a screaming baby whenever this cat came around but not to worry, baby bunny is alive and well!**

**#2: I babysat 10 kids under the age of 9 - yes, you read that correctly and yes, by some miracle, I survived.**

**#3: Yes, I KNOW the flashback didn't happen in the episode - I kind of made it up on the spot but I thought it would create a better story line.**

**#4: I'm trying this new thing where I'm trying to get to know the rest of the fandom so come find me on Twitter and introduce yourself! fearLIZness17**

**#5: I'd love it if you left a review, please! :)**

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It had taken everything inside of her to even make it out of the door and into the car. She had begged Kat not to take her to her doctor's appointment but the teenager wouldn't give in. She had been in even more pain than she had been when she was in the hospital and Kat finally caved and called the doctor to fix it. Truth be told, Olivia should have seen a doctor a few days ago but she somehow got out of that appointment. It wasn't like she was avoiding going, she just didn't have the energy or strength to make it more than a few short steps.

The car ride was difficult and Olivia was angry, she felt like the entire city of New York was staring at her through the passenger side window. She knew her face had been plastered all over every newspaper and news broadcast in the days she was missing, she knew that she was a target for every journalist and quite honestly, she just couldn't handle it. Before Lewis, she was very much a people person. She instantly made connections with everyone she came into contact with, whether it was working SVU or even at any of Kat's school functions. Now, that switch had been shut off completely. Olivia barely talked, she didn't want anyone coming to visit her and the light in her eyes had seemingly faded to nothing. She was barely a shadow of her former self and it didn't take a rocket scientist to see that she was depressed.

Walking into the waiting room was mortifying for Olivia, every patient immediately looked up from their magazines and their gaze locked in on every bruise, every cut and every scar on her body. She could have sworn she heard someone gasp but she didn't quite catch it. Kat had sat her mother down in a chair away from the rest of the waiting room, and although it wasn't secluded enough, it still gave Olivia some privacy from prying eyes. The teenager had come back seconds later with a handful of paperwork that needed to be filled out before Olivia could go anywhere. Paperwork was all too familiar for Olivia, she had spent countless nights filling out last minute things on cases before she had to turn them in to Cragen. Her right hand was in a cast which meant Kat was left to fill out all of the information, something she wasn't too happy to be doing but she didn't make it known – she didn't want to add to her mother's stress.

She had been trying to keep her cool but she couldn't help but feel like the entire waiting room was staring at her every few seconds. She felt like she was being picked apart by judgmental eyes who knew nothing about the intense struggle she had endured in order to stay alive. Her mind was racing, she felt like the walls were closing in on her and she couldn't quite catch her breath. Her anxiety was taking over, she just couldn't quite bear the thought of putting herself on show the way she currently was and all she wanted to do was be in the safety of her house.

Kat had noticed her mother shaking and she gently enveloped Olivia's hands in her own. "Hey, it's okay. I know how hard this is for you," the teenager gently spoke, "I'm so proud of you."

She shook her head, doing her very best to keep her tears at bay. Pursing her lips together to avoid a full blown sob, she pleaded, "P-please, Ka-Kat."

Although it was only two words, Kat knew exactly what her mother was asking. Even though she would do absolutely anything to protect her mother, she couldn't bring herself to take Olivia home. "I can't," she paused as she gently wiped away one of her mother's tears, "I know everyone is staring at us right now and I know you'd give anything to be at home."

"Pl-pl-please." Her voice was quiet, yet full of emotion. If she had any strength at all, she would have been out those doors in seconds and here she was, pleading with her teenager daughter to do the unthinkable.

"Your health comes first." Kat gently put her foot down in the matter, she knew if her mother was willing and able, she would agree. The teenager hoped her mother would understand but in her current state, she made sure that everything was done with the utmost level of care. Kat knew she couldn't risk a breech of trust or even a complete breakdown when it came to Olivia or else all future tactics were out the window in a matter of seconds.

The doctor had called Olivia's name and she had relied heavily on Kat to walk back to the exam room. Dr. Wilson had been her primary care physician throughout her hospital stay, she hadn't seen him much but then again, she was so doped up on medication that she barely knew her own name. He was very welcoming and had asked all the basic questions before he got down to the nitty-gritty. "I've heard that you've been struggling recently, how so?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I'm fine."

"Mom," Kat cut in, she couldn't bear to see her mother blatantly like to her doctor's face.

Olivia pressed again, "I'm fine."

Dr. Wilson looked at Olivia whose mind was trying so hard to get as far away as possible and to Kat who was clearly frustrated with her mother. "We're here to help you, Olivia." He paused before asking the teenager, "How has she been coping?"

"Not that well." Kat explained, "She's in an incredible amount of pain, all the time. Her lacerations only seem to be getting worse, the bruises only getting darker in color and her burns looking angrier by the day. It's a struggle for her to let me change her bandages, and I get that, it's painful for her to endure. Some days she barely eats, probably because she's terrified to throw up again. I know her ribs have been bothering her lately, she constantly has her arm protectively hovering over her side. Her eyes, have no life in them anymore and truthfully," She paused, gathering her thoughts, "I'm afraid she's letting herself go."

"Olivia," Dr. Wilson gently questioned, "Did Kat hit the nail on the head?"

When he saw the older woman nodding, he continued, "It's important to keep your strength up and eating is definitely something you don't want to skip. We want to keep you as healthy as we can and it sounds like Kat is doing an excellent job advocating for your well-being."

Throughout the entire exam, Dr. Wilson had cleaned up her injuries and made sure that she was on the road to recovery once again. Kat had explained her observations, how Olivia primarily stayed in bed sleeping the majority of the day and how she had more bad days than good ones. Dr. Wilson had concluded that her pain medication just wasn't strong enough, he regretted not checking up earlier. However, Kat was incredibly satisfied that her mother would soon be more like herself, something she truly missed.

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Almost immediately after Kat had walked out of the master bedroom, Olivia had fallen asleep. The teenager had expected it because after all, being up and about took a huge toll on someone who was so beaten down by life. Kat had caught Olivia in near tears during the conversation at the doctor's office about her well-being. She knew she must have sounded incredibly patronizing and Kat regretted it immensely. She didn't do it to hurt her mother, it was out of pure love for the woman she so desperately wanted back. Olivia wasn't the strong, fearless woman that Kat had known for the entirety of her life. Now, she was a terrified, sad and timid person who was losing their ability to fight back. The old Olivia would have bounced back from any situation and after Lewis, she was truly broken into more pieces than anyone could ever count. The teenager had made it up in her mind that if her mother wasn't going to advocate for herself, someone had to step up and do it.

_She had just blown in the door after one of the hardest days at SVU she had ever endured. The prime suspect in their rape case had taken hostages in the local elementary school after a dispute with his ex-wife. She had been the first one on scene, and the last person to talk to Matthew who had been sitting in a Kindergarten class with fifteen petrified four and five year olds. Olivia had tried absolutely everything in the book to get him to release the children but each and every time, he was one step ahead of her._

_She remembered walking through the halls of the school with SWAT team members following close behind. She remembered walking past the library when she heard 15 gunshots ring out, echoing through the empty hallways. She'll never forget the screams, and the deafening silence that followed soon after._

_She remembered running to the classroom, opening the door and seeing the sheer devastation that had gone on seconds earlier. That image would be ingrained in her mind for the rest of her life. She remembered thinking that if she could have gotten there just a few seconds earlier, this might have been prevented and that 15 innocent lives wouldn't have been taken so abruptly. She was horrified and in all her years at SVU, she had seen nothing as horrific as this. Fin and Elliot had made their way into the room, quickly leading a shell-shocked Olivia away from the crime scene. They both knew that she would take this the hardest out of everyone in the squad, her emotions always stood at the forefront of who she was, but then again, that's what made her one of New York's finest._

_She wasn't even close to being okay to drive home, she hadn't spoken a word since she heard the gunshots. Elliot was the one to escort her through the doors of her apartment to a waiting 14 year old Kat. He had quickly led her into her bedroom, shutting the door before slowly sitting her down on the bed. He knew the absolute last thing she wanted was to talk about the atrocities she had witnessed at the elementary school. He had opened her closet door, breaking out a bottle of whiskey she had kept hidden behind her rack of dresses. As soon as he had opened the bottle, she reached out her hand to take a sip right from the bottle itself. "Liv," he protested. "Let me get you a glass."_

_Her voice was empty, she didn't want him babying her nor did she want him hovering the entire was the way that Elliot worked, even with the best of intentions, he still would manage a way to piss her off. "Go."_

_"Come on, Liv." He sighed, knowing that this was the end of the line. "Don't be like this."_

_She took another large swig of whiskey before repeating herself, "Go."_

_He had ran into Kat in the kitchen, giving the bare minimum explanation because he knew disclosing every detail would cause WWIII and he was avoiding that at all costs. From what Kat understood, it was a bad day and her mother just needed to numb her pain in whatever way she could find. After retreating to her room for an hour, Kat decided to check on her mother. When she opened the master bedroom door, she found Liv sitting on the floor with a half empty bottle of Jack Daniel's._

_"Mom?" Kat questioned as she surveyed the scene._

_She lifted the bottle to her lips, swallowing the amber liquid as she turned to her daughter. "Get out."_

_"I said, get out." Olivia repeated herself again, with more emphasis to get her daughter to leave her alone._

_The teenager pointed to the bottle of whiskey that was currently sitting in her mother's lap, "You're drunk, I could smell it the second I walked into your room."_

_Olivia bitterly questioned, "So what if I am? It's not like you're going to do anything about it."_

_"Please don't do this," Kat pleaded, "I don't want to fight with you."_

_Despite her daughter's plea, Olivia took two swigs out of pure spite. "This is my life, and I can do what I want."_

_Kat began to kneel with her arm outstretched, "Give me the bottle of whiskey, you're done."_

_"What are you, the alcohol police?" Olivia sarcastically slurred, "Last time I checked, you were 14."_

_"You're right, I'm 14 and I have a hell of a lot more common sense than you do right now."_

_"I thought I told you to get out," Olivia leaned her head back laughing, "Yet, here you still are."_

_"I don't want to have to ask you again," Kat pleaded._

_Olivia took another shot and gave her daughter a don't mess with me glare, "Well too bad, because you're not getting it."_

_Kat tried to reach out for the bottle before Olivia quickly pushed her hand out of the way. "You messed with the wrong person tonight."_

_It was an empty threat, Kat knew that Olivia didn't have the guts to do anything about the situation at hand. "You think you can talk the talk, but can you really walk the walk?"_

_The eldest Benson took a few seconds before she could stand up to which Kat quickly followed, provoking her mother a little more. "You don't have what it takes."_

_She blindly took a swing at the teenager, just barely missing her shoulder. She began mocking her daughter, "Don't have what it takes?"_

_"Do you have any idea what you're doing right now?" Kat yelled. "Do you have any idea what you look like? Or what about the fact that you just tried to punch me, huh?" She was furious, "You think you can come home and just drink yourself silly because you had a bad day? Everyone has bad days, Mom and whether you like it or not, you're going to have a few more in your lifetime so get used to it."_

_"I'm your mother," Liv yelled, "and whether you like or not, you listen to me."_

_"I thought you were different, I really did." Kat pushed, genuinely at her wit's end. "But actually, you're just like her. You're a drunk, a no good drunk!"_

_Olivia stopped in her tracks, dropping the whiskey bottle on the floor where it seemingly shattered. A small amber puddle pooling at her bare-feet as she continued listening to her daughter, "You spent your entire life running away from your past, well guess what? Looks like it finally caught up with you! I guess I should start calling you Serena now, right?"_

_She was frozen in place as she listened to her daughter yell, the tears began welling up in her eyes to the point where the dam was going to break at any second. Slowly and quietly, her voice began to shake, "Y-you don't m-m-mean th-that, do y-you?"_

Kat, to this day, still regretted the words that flew out of her mouth the way they did. The look on her mother's face was one that she won't ever forget as long as she lived. She remembered holding her mother tight in her arms as she tried to take back the words that cut so deep. She remembered holding her mother's hair back as she threw up for hours afterward and even the next morning when she couldn't seem to apologize enough. Olivia didn't speak much that night after the fight and Kat didn't blame her. She used a low blow and brought up things that she probably shouldn't have even known about to begin with. It was the one and only time she had ever seen Olivia drunk, she figured that her mother didn't ever want to be associated with the memory of her own drunken mother ever again.

She had heard a light tapping sound going on thirty seconds and she couldn't for the life of her figure out where it was coming from. She slowly got up from her mother's bed and quietly shut the door in order to ensure that Olivia wouldn't be woken up. After the last few days she had, Kat knew that Olivia needed to rest and not have to worry about the events of the world.

Kat walked out to the kitchen, where she again heard the light tapping. At first, she thought she was going crazy until she realized that someone was at the door. She couldn't remember if Nick, Fin, Amanda or Cragen told her they were coming over which was weird because they usually always let her know beforehand. Kat had so much on her plate recently with her mother and keeping track of her own affairs that she on some days, she felt like her world was perpetually flipped upside-down. Nothing about her mother's situation was okay with Kat, she had gone from a carefree teenager to a self-appointed nurse in a matter of hours. She used to be squeamish with blood and after changing so many bandages, the sight of blood didn't phase Kat at all. It was stressful for a teenager to take on that much responsibility, but even if Kat knew she couldn't handle it on her own, she would do the very best she could until she got to that point.

Walking over to the door, she quietly opened it and had to suppress a gasp at who she saw standing in the doorway. "What the hell are you doing here?"

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	37. Chapter 37

**Since I've last updated:**

**#1: My mom called me the other day and said they were getting a puppy aka the best news I've ever heard. They're picking up the little babe on October 24th, I can't wait to come home and meet him!**

**#2: Homework/school is slowly killing me, senior year of college is ANYTHING but a cake-walk.**

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**A small rant about some of the reviews I've been getting about the mother/daughter relationship between Kat and Olivia:**

**Yes, Olivia is portrayed in the TV show as a person who is incredibly strong. No matter what, she's always ready for anything and bounces back under the hardest of circumstances. That's the way it's always been and that's what the writers of the show have decided. However, this story is NOT the same as what's portrayed on TV, because I'm NOT Warren Leight, Kevin Fox, Julie Martin, etc. I'm just your average 21 year old who decided to write a story on a topic that I thought would have been interesting. I'm not trying to be the next Pullitzer Prize Winner nor am I trying to be the next Great American Novelist. This story was sparked by an idea I had after I saw the Save Benson saga, that's it. If you constantly write reviews that tear this story apart by saying how unrealistic it is or how Olivia is such a terrible mother or even how awful an author I am, that's your personal choice. But know that words hurt, no matter how old you are. I've poured 10 months of my life into this story and I've seriously contemplated stopping on more than one occasion because of how ruthless and unforgiving people on the internet can be.**

**If you don't like the way I write the story, you have the easiest choice in the world; and that's to walk away. It's as simple as that. No one will know but you.**

**Think about your words before you write them, what you say sticks with people for the rest of their lives.**

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**If you want to follow me on Twitter, have at it: fearLIZness17**

**Anyways, please enjoy Chapter 37.**

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She couldn't believe that she was staring at him, out of everything she had wanted to say, she stood frozen. She was shocked, full of sorrow. Angry. She had never expected him to be man enough to show up at the apartment and quite honestly, she just wasn't in the mood to deal with the added stress.

He half smiled as he said her name, he couldn't believe how grown up she had gotten in the years since he had left. She was a carbon copy of her mother, something that he had always known, even from the second that she was born. He had spent the majority of her life looking out for her well-being and that was a promise that he had made with Liv. She trusted him, more than anyone else in this world and walking away, shattered that. "It's good to see you, Kat."

"We can't do this here." She quietly replied, a little shocked that her voice sounded so calm under the circumstances.

"Kat, please."

She held up her finger, signaling for him to wait. She turned around, grabbing her phone and keys to the apartment. She knew her mother wasn't going to wake up any time soon but if she did, she knew to call Kat if anything happened. She knew leaving a note would be counterproductive, especially if her mother couldn't make it out of bed on her own. After slowly and quietly shutting the apartment door, she turned to him and said, "Follow me."

The two silently meandered through a maze of hallways and stairwells, a walk that was full of tension. Each was holding on to the hope that they would break the stillness in the air, but that moment never came. She pushed open the large metal door and the pair found themselves on the roof, overlooking the city that had instantly become a part of them. There was a slight breeze, causing Kat to brush a few strands of hair behind her ear. She had turned to face him, her eyes staring into his nervous crystal blues. "What are you even doing here?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets as he kicked a few pebbles at his feet, "I came as soon as I could, I had to know, how you both were doing."

"That's not good enough." She protested as she protectively crossed her arms over her chest, "You really think that excuse is going to fly?"

"Kat," He looked at the teenager whose walls were already preparing for battle, a trait that she had obviously inherited from her mother, "I know you're angry, you have -"

She quickly cut him off, "Do you have _any_ idea what it's like to have someone walk out of your life? Or what it feels like to be a nonexistent blip in someone's radar?" He was silent, frozen as he listened to the teenager vent her frustrations. She threw her arm out, her index finger pointed at him, "No, that's right. You have no idea, because you were too busy to remember the people you left behind."

"It's not like that, things were different."

Laughing, she threw out a little bit of sarcasm, almost mocking him, "It wasn't like that? Bullshit, Elliot. You knew _exactly_ what you were doing when you walked out those doors."

"I didn't have a choice," he replied, "but no one told you that, am I right?"

"No, you don't get to do that." She coldly fought back, "You don't get to play the victim here. You had every reason in the world to stay, and you walked away. _You walked away_." She bent down, picking up a pebble that had been sitting directly underneath her. She was fiddling around with it in her hands as she continued speaking, "Do you have _any_ idea what it feels like when your entire world turns upside-down? Or what about the feeling when you suddenly realize they're not coming back? What do you think that feels like, huh? Oh that's right, you've never had that happen to you."

"Kat, I'm sorry. Truly sorry, for everything."

"You know what? Sorry isn't going to cut it." Kat yelled, "Sorry isn't even in the ballpark of where you need to be."

_Olivia had been sent home from work mid-afternoon, by Cragen who was finally fed up with all of her coughing. She had put up a struggle, as per usual because in her mind she was fine. She hated taking days off because she ended up becoming bored out of her mind to the point where she showed up to work anyways. This time, Cragen didn't give her the option. "Show up or I'm taking your shield." He said as she reluctantly walked out of the squad room._

_When she had walked in the door, she had all but collapsed on her bed out of sheer exhaustion. Climbing 4 flights of stairs took more out of her than she had originally thought and now that her immune system was weakened, she felt like her lungs were going to catch fire. She was regretting not going to the doctor earlier in the week, she was trying to prove a point – that she was stronger than the next man but it was miserably failing._

_She must have fallen asleep because she shot up out of bed when a 4 year old Kat came running into her room, her hands full of art-work from Kindergarten. "Mommy, look!"_

_Trying to be as enthusiastic as she could be, she gushed over her daughter's new creation, "Babe, that looks great! We'll hang it on the fridge after dinner, okay?"_

_"You're home early," The babysitter exclaimed, her name was Mary and she had just graduated college the year prior. She lived next door and Kat had immediately taken to her when Liv had to rush out on a case years ago. "Everything okay?"_

_"I'm fine," she swallowed a bit of nausea, "Captain sent me home early, said he was sick of hearing me cough all over the place."_

_"Probably for the best, you know?" Mary replied, "I can take Kat to my place so you can rest, if you want."_

_Kat had taken her shoes off and snuggled under the covers next to her mother, giggling as she looked at Mary, "I'm stayin' here!"_

_Olivia laughed, but ended up being thrown into a coughing fit. As she tried to catch her breath, she choked out, "I guess t-the queen h-has spoken."_

_Mary knew that Liv was stubborn and wasn't going to move on her decision but she decided to try anyways, "I mean it, if you need anything, I'm only right next door. You have my number."_

_"We'll be fine, we're probably just going to watch a movie or something." Olivia replied, knowing that Mary was only trying to help, "You'll be the first person to know if things go South, I promise."_

_Twenty minutes after Mary had left, found Olivia and Kat curled up on the couch watching The Little Mermaid for the 300th time. At first, she had protested but when she realized she was fighting a 4 year old, she backed down. She figured that if Kat was so enthralled by the songs and the characters, she could fall back asleep with no problems. The 4 year old knew that something was off with her mother, she was extra snuggly and just wanted to be close to Olivia – not something uncommon for Kat to do. She had woken up in a cold sweat, fighting a tidal wave of nausea – much worse than the one earlier. Kat was playing in her room and Liv knew she had to get to the bathroom quickly, she hoped her daughter wouldn't notice that her mother was suddenly not in the last place she was seen._

_Shutting the bathroom door, she had immediately began to vomit. It was a feeling she hated, she hated nothing more than to be at the mercy of her own sickness. She couldn't for the life of her remember a time where she felt as awful as she did currently, it had been a long time. She had managed to tie her hair up in between rounds of vomiting, each time it took a piece of her strength away. After about the tenth time dry-heaving, she heard a knock on the bathroom door. Through her coughing and gagging, she slowly replied, "W-what, ba-babe."_

_"It's Elliot, can I come in?"_

_"W-who cal-called you," she said just before she vomited once more. She had held a tissue to her mouth as she flushed, a few tears at the edges of her eyes, "I can take care of myself, I'm a grown woman."_

_"Is that why you're sitting on the bathroom floor in near tears because you've been throwing up for the past hour?" He joked, "Or is it because I'm just that ugly and it made you cry?"_

_She sighed as she sat back against the tub, her messy bun was just about falling out and she looked exhausted, "I feel awful, El."_

_"I bet, let's get you something to eat? It might help settle your stomach."_

_She shook her head, "I can't, it isn't going to stay down, I can promise you that."_

_"Let's get you to bed then," he said as he took a step towards her, scooping her fragile frame up as he walked back into the master bedroom. Gently setting her down on the bed, he gently put the covers over her body in an attempt to warm up her shivering body. When he saw she was about to cry again, he quickly intervened, "Hey, it's okay. You're going to be fine. I promise."_

_Suddenly realizing that Kat was nowhere to be seen, she panicked, "Where is she? Is she okay?"_

_"She's playing in her room with Lizzie, they're both fine." He smiled, "They were both so excited to see each other that they won't be coming up for air for a while." Lizzie was 2 ½ years older than Kat but age was only just a number because the girls were inseparable. Even though they looked nothing alike, they were mistaken for twins all the time._

_Liv nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek, "I-I'm sorry, I pr-probably lo-look like a f-fool."_

_"No, no, no," Elliot hushed as he wrapped his arms around his emotionally drained partner, "You're not a fool, Liv. You're sick, nauseous, and exhausted. That doesn't make you a fool, it makes you a human being."_

_"I'm a m-mess," she cried, "How a-am I-I going t-to deal with K-Kat if I can't e-even m-make it out of b-bed?"_

_"She's only 4, Liv. She's perfectly happy with Lizzie right now and she's an easy kid, always has been. You don't have anything to worry about with her." He paused as he gently added, "But you, need some rest and probably some sleep, am I right?"_

_Shaking her head slowly, she tearfully questioned, "I-I can't sh-sh-shake this n-nausea."_

_"You're nauseous because you're tired," Elliot tried to reason with her, realizing that it was getting nowhere because she was so emotional, "You need to sleep, Liv." He had gently released his embrace and slid off his shoes, making his way to the other side of the bed._

_"W-what are y-you do-doing?"_

_"Staying with you, until you fall asleep." He spoke, his voice in a quiet tone as she leaned into his chest, "And if you get nauseous, I'll be right here the whole time."_

He was quickly brought out of the memory by Kat who must have repeated herself at least three times, "Are you even listening to what I'm telling you? Or are you so caught up in your ego that you don't care?"

"Sorry -"

"If you say that word one more time, so help me God." Kat said as she held up her hand towards him, "You've said that so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore."

"You're right, it doesn't mean anything because I've been AWOL for the past couple of years." He sighed, "But that doesn't mean I don't care about the both of you."

"Do you think that you could just waltz back into our lives without so much as an explanation as to why you left in the first place?" She angrily questioned, "How do you think we felt? How do you think I feel now seeing you after _years_ without so much as a phone call? I hear you talking but all I can think about is how you said you'd never leave, no matter what. Well guess what, that pretty much went out the window, didn't it."

"At the time, there were reasons that you didn't quite understand." He sighed as he remembered Jenna and how awful he felt at the entire situation, "I didn't want things to end up the way they did, I didn't want to shoot someone and I sure as hell didn't want to leave, but things were out of my control. I fought, believe me I fought, but you can only fight for so long before you give up."

""You gave up? Are you kidding me?" Kat protested, "You can't just give up when things get tough, Elliot. That's not the way life works."

"I didn't want to, I tried every reason to get back but it wasn't enough and I walked away. I wanted to come tell you goodbye, but I just couldn't bring myself to say it to your faces, it was too much."

"Do you have any idea what that did to us? To her?" She harshly questioned, "Yeah, it was hard for me. I didn't want to believe it, I tried to find you. I looked _everywhere_ for you and came up empty every time. The more I thought about it, the more I tried to forget. If I wasn't important enough to you, then you weren't important enough for me. Isn't that awful? I had to erase you from my mind in order to move on with my life, and here you are, here you are in front of me after all these years – it hurts, Elliot because life is a bitch."

"I didn't ask for that to happen, I didn't ask for you to be hurt. In fact, that's the last thing I wanted for you. I didn't know, I didn't know how hard it was going to be to walk."

"I could handle it, and I grew not to grow attached to people. I have you to thank for that, because of you, I can no longer properly trust any man that comes into my life. Isn't that ironic, I have 'daddy issues' because of a man who isn't even my father."

"You're right, I wasn't your father then and I'm not your father now. I tried to be the man in your life that you could trust, that you could count on to protect you when you couldn't protect yourself. I tried my best to fill the void that was easily apparent in your life but I failed, and I failed miserably."

"I thought I could count on you, but boy was I wrong." Kat sneered as she then remembered her mother, "And her? Do you have any idea how she felt after she found out you turned your papers in?"

Elliot was speechless, he had some idea in his head as to how Liv reacted but in reality, he had no idea. Kat took that as a cue to continue talking, "She was _devastated_, truly devastated. I actually thought it was going to kill her. Try spending 12 years with your best friend only to have that relationship destroyed. She trusted you, and most of all, she loved you no matter how many times you screwed up. That's the kind of person she was, and that's the kind of person she is, she sees through others faults but this time, she couldn't."

"She was my best friend, and I never ever meant to hurt her. I wanted to give her a call more times than I could count on both hands -"

"So why didn't you?" Kat quickly interrupted, "Did you fall off the face of the Earth? Did you forget her number? Because she spent more time talking to your voice-mail than she did talking to anyone else in her life. She drank, a lot. I thought we were going to lose her at one point and she has _you_ to thank."

"She turned to drinking?"

"Well how else would you expect her to cope with her best friend leaving without so much as a goodbye? She didn't have a choice, Elliot. Every time she walked into a crowded room, it was your face she was looking for. You were always at the forefront of her mind, and no matter how much she tried, she couldn't shut you out." Kat sighed, "She drank to forget, to forget every single second you two spent together over the last twelve years. How does it feel to know that you're the person behind all of her pain? Or know that you were the one who pushed her to her breaking point, huh?"

"I'd do anything to turn back time, to go back and fix the destruction I caused to both of your lives." He sadly replied, his hand rubbing the top of his head. He was trying to think of what to say to the clearly devastated teenager who had become so protective over the mother she loved so much, "I know you love her, and I did too. Hell, I still do. I don't want to intrude on the progress you've made but I'm going to ask anyways, can I at least see her?"

"She's not in the best state of mind right now, and truthfully, seeing you might send her over the edge." Elliot was about to open his mouth to speak but Kat cut him off before he could get a word out, "You've done enough damage just by coming back. Just stay away, it's what's best for her."

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**I'd really love it if you left a review! :)**


	38. Chapter 38

**So, since I've last updated:**

**#1: Senior year of college is slowly but surely kicking my ass, hence one of the many reasons why I haven't updated in so long. It's just that time in the semester where I have so much work I don't even know where to start, go college.**

**#2: I fly home this Thursday to pick up my new puppy so that's exciting, I can't wait to snuggle him!**

**#3: This is just a general PSA, if you need to talk or anything; please don't hesitate to reach out. No matter the time of day, I'm here. Life's way too short, friends.**

**#4: I'm on Twitter (come be my friend plz) - fearLIZness17**

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She was the first to walk away, it was just about the only thing that made her feel like she had some control over the situation. She was at her wits end and she didn't want to completely break down in front of the man who had caused so many problems since he left years ago. She wasn't about to let him infiltrate all of the progress that she and her mother had made since he turned his papers in. They had come too far to let anyone take that away from them. She began wandering the hallways and stairwells just to kill time, she couldn't walk in her apartment and tell her mother a bold-faced lie. Their entire relationship had been built on trust and Kat couldn't lie about Elliot's sudden arrival, that would shatter everything.

She was tempted to call Fin, Nick, or even Amanda but she remembered the boys were at the Yankees game and Amanda was helping a friend move up-town. The teenager was so far into her head that she didn't even realize the phone was up to her ear until she heard the Blonde Detective's voice on the other end. "Kat?"

"Y-yeah?"

Amanda could hear a hint of sadness in the teenagers voice, "Is everything okay?"

"Um, uh, I g-guess."

"Did something happen?" The Detective was doing her best to pull whatever it was out of Kat, she knew the teenager would only call if something was truly bothering her.

Kat heard boxes shuffling in the background and she hesitated, "It's nothing, you're busy. I'm fine."

"You wouldn't have called me if everything was fine, sweetheart."

The teenager quickly spit out, "It's your day off and you're helping your friend. You're busy, and you don't need my problems to deal with today."

"Kat," Amanda sighed, "I know something is up, I can hear it in your voice."

She hesitated, the morning was just too stressful to talk about over the phone, "I just don't really know what to think right now," Kat confided, "Um, it's been a rough morning and I'm just at a loss of what to really say."

Amanda stopped her right there, "I'll be over in 10 minutes, tell me then."

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She had walked into the apartment complex, her head on a swivel looking for Kat. She was worried about the teenager because lately, everything that could go wrong in her life, had done exactly that. Walking through the stairwell, the teenager was nowhere to be found. When Amanda made it to the third floor and after meandering through a few hallways, she stumbled upon Kat who was sitting on the floor with her head in her hands.

"Hey, hey." Amanda softly said as she bent down to the teenager. "How is she?"

Kat looked up, her eyes full of unshed tears that threatened to spill over at any second. "She's asleep, has been all day."

"Does she at least know where you are?"

"Left her a note next to her bed, she would have called by now or at least attempted to look for me by now." Her voice was cold, nothing close to the happy one she used to have.

It took the Blonde Detective a few seconds of silence to realize that the problem wasn't in fact Olivia, but it had happened to Kat. Realizing what she had said, Amanda immediately apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't come here to try to be condescending or try to baby you."

The teenager didn't even acknowledge her, she blurted out, "He was just here."

"Who? Who was just here?" The Blonde gently asked, "Fin? Cragen? Nick?"

"Elliot." Her lip was quivering, she was slowly losing the will to fight the tears and saying his name only made it worse.

Amanda sighed as she placed her hand on Kat's arm, "Oh, sweetheart."

"It was just a knock on the door and when I went to open it, I never in a million years thought I'd ever see him again." She paused as she remembered the events, "I couldn't even produce a thought and even when we walked up to the roof, we were both walking on eggshells as to what the other was going to say."

"I'm sure he was happy that you gave him the time to talk though."

"He spoke first and I just lost it," She put her head in her hands as her eyes began to burn from holding back the tears for so long. "I lost it, Amanda."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Kat. You had every right to say whatever you did, you were emotional and his arrival was unexpected."

"He was trying to apologize, and it wasn't good enough." She paused, as the tears quickly flooded down her cheeks. "How does someone just walk away like that? How does someone never even think to look back at everything they left behind?"

Amanda's hand gently ran up and down Kat's arm, providing some level of comfort. The teenager wasn't in the right mindset for anything else, "Some people just get so caught up in the reason why they left that they forget to look at all the ones who helped them get to where they are. It doesn't have anything to do with you or your mom."

"I thought he was different, Amanda."

"How so?"

She shrugged, "He'd always been around, he's the first guy who ever made it a point to be a part of my life. Out of everyone my mom dated in past years, they were always trying to get something out of their relationship with me and with him, it was different. He wasn't trying to impress my mom with how well we got along, he wanted to be there because he enjoyed spending time with me."

"You trusted him, in spite of everything. That's big, sweetheart."

"It wasn't just that." Kat shook her head, "My mom has dated her fair share of awful people, I'm not one to judge because she did what she had to do. She was used, taken advantage of, treated poorly and on at least one occasion, a guy hit her for not wanting to do the dirty. She picked a few good guys but with her job, they just couldn't seem to handle it. I don't blame them, it's hard to grasp the fact that the person you love gets put in harms way day in and day out."

Amanda nodded, she gave Kat a lot of credit for the things she had gone through up until now. She didn't know of many teenagers who could keep a level head the way she had. "It's a very valid fear and truthfully, it's hard to keep your personal life separate from SVU. A lot of people say they have it figured out, but I just think that's their way of keeping things in perspective."

"I mean with my dad," She hesitated, "My real dad, he just used my mom as a way out of his crappy marriage. She doesn't know that I know a lot more than she gives me credit for, I just never had the heart to bring it up with her. He messed around with her and made her truly believe he loved her only to conveniently let it slip that he's married. Who does that?"

"Someone your mom doesn't need in her life."

Things fell quiet for a few moments before Kat spoke back up again, "Elliot was the closest thing I had to a dad." Amanda silently nodded at the teenager to continue, "He wasn't like any of the other guys, there was something about him that made me feel safe. When the other guys forced the relationship, it was easy to hang around with him. I dreaded whenever my mom brought home a new guy but with Elliot, I looked forward to seeing him." She laughed slightly through the tears, "It's funny because I used to pray that Elliot would somehow magically become my father instead of the deadbeat my real one became."

"He had a huge impact on your life, and it's easy to understand why you would want him to stay in your life and how you were at an utter loss for why he left. It's not an easy thing to comprehend something that tragic."

"You know, I never told my mom about the whole praying thing. I think it would break her heart, honestly." Kat nodded at Amanda who was giving her a complete sympathetic look, "Up on the roof, I did a lot of yelling. I was just so angry at everything that yelling was the only thing to do. I'm not an angry person though, Amanda."

"You don't have an angry bone in your body, sweetheart. You're allowed to get mad, and you're certainly allowed to yell. Hell, it's expected of you and I would have done the exact same thing if I was in your shoes."

"He just kept trying to apologize and the 5supth/sup time he said sorry, I just blew up. There's only so many times you can apologize before it doesn't mean anything, you know?" She was now fiddling with her hands in her lap, she was nervous and couldn't even begin to figure out why. Amanda was someone she could always count on to lend a listening ear or a helping hand, she trusted her immensely. "He said he gave up, on everything and what I don't understand is how he could abandon us like that."

"Maybe he wasn't thinking clearly at the time he said that?"

"You can't just give up when things get hard, life doesn't work like that." Kat cried out, "You don't get a choice as to whether or not you give up. He made it sound like it was such an easy choice, that we weren't worth the fight. That we weren't worth the goodbye." She swiped her hand across her eyes, attempting to keep the stray tears at bay, "Do you have any idea how awful it is to be left? Or how crappy you feel when you realize the one person you could always count on just disappears?"

Amanda nodded, gently squeezing the teenager's hand, "It's awful, believe me, I know. Whether you're 17 or 92, it's never easy."

"Do you know how many times I left school early to try to look for him? Or how many times I'd walk past the places we used to go together and think that I maybe saw him? I think that was almost worse for me, I kept reliving it. I think that's when I finally realized it wasn't worth it, that if I wasn't important enough to him, then he wasn't worth looking for anymore. Isn't that awful? I erased someone from my mind because he did it to me, that's what little kids do."

"You had to move on, and if erasing him helped you then you had to do what you had to do. There's no shame in that, Kat."

"I don't regret the things I said to him. In fact, I think he needed to hear them because we don't live in a utopian society. Things aren't perfect, and you can't expect to waltz right back into a person's life after you abruptly left it." At this point, the tears weren't sorrowful ones, but angry bullets that were making paths down her cheeks, "I haven't trusted a single man in my life since he walked out. It only takes one person to ruin it for all the rest, and he wrecked it the second he left. If I was Lizzie or Maureen and this happened, I could understand how they'd be angry. The sad thing is that he wasn't even my father, he was just another man that ultimately didn't care about anyone but himself."

"Regardless of his relationship to you, it's normal to feel the way you do. I'm not just saying that to say it either, it's true. He had an impact and when he left, all of that trust went out the window."

Kat nodded, she knew Amanda was right and it was nice to have someone who validated her feelings. She couldn't exactly talk to her mother in the state she was in and it was a different change of pace to actually be allowed to cry and be angry over things she couldn't control. "It was nothing compared to what she went through."

"Liv?"

"Yeah," Kat softly replied, "I truly thought it was going to kill her, she was _devastated_."

"I remember. She took it hard, and for good reason."

"You know, that was the first time I had ever seen her cry." Kat remembered, "I know she was trying to avoid coming home to me because she walked in the door at 8 o'clock that night and when I found her in her room, she was a puddle of tears. I thought she was hurt and when I laid down with her, she clung to me for dear life. I remember holding her and telling her everything was going to be okay but I don't think it was enough." Pausing, she wiped her eyes and brushed the stray strand of hair out of her face before continuing, "I'll never forget the way her voice sounded when she said that he turned his papers in. It was heart-breaking, she sounded so defeated and so lost that I remember thinking that this was bigger than anyone had thought."

"We all saw her walking out of Cragen's office and as hard as she tried to hide it, her face said it all. She only told me when she called me one night when she asked me to pick her up at the bar, all the alcohol in her system got her talking and even after that night, I made it a point to be there for her because I thought she just really needed a friend."

Kat sighed, "She wanted to forget. She drank to forget the past 12 years she spent with him. I'll never forget the time I got home from school and found her wasted on her bedroom floor in hysterics. At first, I was angry that she felt she had to turn to whiskey to drown out the rest of the world but then I realized, it was the only way she knew how."

"Because of Serena?"

"Because of Serena," Kat sadly nodded, "That's about the only thing my grandmother could do, drink and run away. And what do you know, she passed that down to my mother. I'm not saying either are bad people, I just think they find comfort in the things they're accustomed to."

"Everyone grieves differently, sweetheart. There's not one set way to do it."

"And I get that." She quietly said, "I just think that this time was different."

"How so?"

Kat had never admitted any of this before and as liberating as it was, it was incredibly scary to realize how close her mother had been to the edge during her period of intense struggle. Her mother was in no way perfect and as hard as she tried to shelter her daughter from seeing her in pain, it was in full view in the weeks after Elliot's departure. "She was letting go. I really think she was giving up, Amanda. And I can't help but think she's doing it again this time around."

"I think she's trying to find her footing again and it's hard for her to bounce back the way she used to. This isn't a gunshot wound or a couple of broken ribs, this is bigger than her. She's traumatized and more importantly, probably depressed."

"And I don't want to lose her, she's come too far to give up this time. When we were on the roof and through all the screaming and yelling, it all came down to her. It always has, and always will. She's all I have in this entire world and I can't even begin to imagine a life without her." She had started crying again, something she had gotten used to doing. She hated it and hated the way it made her feel but there was so much emotion behind the events with her mother that she couldn't hold it in anymore. "He was her everything, and I couldn't help but think that at the same time, he was the worst thing for her. Sure, he was there through everything life had to throw at us and when things got hard at SVU, he was the first person to rush to her side. They had this weird mind thing, like they knew exactly what the other was thinking without speaking a word, you know? My mom could have been in the world's worst mood and the second he walked into the room, she would light up."

Amanda kept quiet, knowing that Kat if she interrupted the teenager, she would most likely shut down and not open back up. She nodded her head to let Kat know she was following along, "They pushed each other, sometimes to the breaking point. I don't know how they did it, but they somehow always came back stronger. When he left, all of that flew out the window. I think when he left, he took a piece of her with him because she hasn't been the same since." She paused, reflecting on the dozens of memories that flooded her mind. They were some of the darkest days that she had ever lived through, she became a parent to her own mother, much like she was currently. "He asked to see her, you know, when we were on the roof."

"And what did you say?"

"Seeing him would send her over the edge. Everything she had gone through with Lewis and then dealing with Elliot coming back, she'd be even more of a wreck then she is now. She's right on the line between deciding whether or not to pull herself out of what she's dealing with or letting herself succumb to all the pain. I can't be the one to do that to her, I can't be the one that sends her over the edge."

The Blonde Detective gently squeezed Kat's hand, "You're protective, and she loves you immensely for it. She wouldn't be here if you weren't advocating for her or putting her needs above all. She's grateful for that and even though she doesn't say it, the way her eyes calm whenever you walk in the room speaks volumes. She depends on you, a lot more than she realizes."

"I know," Her voice shook as she spoke, scaring her slightly at how awful it truly sounded. "I told him he'd done enough damage just by coming back, that it wasn't worth him coming back around. It wasn't worth it because neither her nor I want to see him."

"And as much as you don't want to hear this," Amanda sighed, choosing her words carefully, "that's her decision to make. She at least needs to know he's here, Kat."

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**I'd really love it if you left a review! :)**


	39. Chapter 39

**Since I've last updated:**

**#1: I got my puppy! He's so cute, his name is Ruckus and he's a chocolate lab. He's extra snuggly and just all around adorable - there's a few pictures I put up on Twitter for the world to see!**

**#2: Senior year of college is still kicking my ass, what else is new. BUT, all of the major projects I've had have been turned in so I have a lot more free time now which is nice!**

**#3: I went to Pittsburgh this weekend, it was my second time in the city and I loved it! No one knows how make perogies like Pittsburgh!**

**#4: Really thankful for friends who push me to my best self, and who encourage me to become the best Kindergarten teacher I can be. All I've ever wanted is to make the world a better place, and that starts with changing kids lives - that's really all I'm here for in the end. **

**#5: If ya want to be my friend or even gawk at my adorable new puppy, I'm on Twitter - fearLIZness17**

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Amanda had left twenty minutes earlier after a frantic Olivia had called Kat. Ever since Lewis, Olivia had never been left alone and when she woke up to an empty apartment, hundreds of thoughts flooded to her mind. The teenager had explained on the phone that she had just run a quick errand and would be back in a few minutes. Truthfully, she didn't feel like she was able to face her mother without bursting into tears at the fact that Elliot was somewhere in the city.

When she had finally calmed down and made her way back into the apartment, she had wandered into her mothers room where she found a half-asleep Olivia. Her long brown hair was spread out on the pillow she was laying on and her eyes were somewhat glassed over, although still half open. When she spoke, her voice was slightly raspy and full of exhaustion. "Hey."

Kat was quiet, and she didn't want to give away the fact she had been crying a few short minutes ago so she decided to just smile as she took another step into the room. Olivia had watched as her daughter refused to make eye contact longer than just a few seconds, "What's wrong?"

She shook her head, her lips slightly pursing together as her eyes looked up to the ceiling to hold the tears at bay. She waved her hand at her mother, "It's nothing, it's nothing."

With her good arm, Olivia gently patted the space next to her in bed. She would have gotten up herself, if she was able but she hoped that her daughter would get the idea and come over on her own accord. When she saw Kat hesitating and trying her best to hold it together, Olivia pressed again, "Sweetheart, c'mere."

Sitting down and looking into her mother's haunting eyes, was all it took for the teenager to lose it. As for Olivia, nothing hurt more than seeing her daughter cry.

_She was a happy-go-lucky girl, she had never let the world shape who she was and that's what Olivia admired so much about her daughter. She was a no-nonsense type of girl who wouldn't take anything from anyone, no matter their age. If she didn't like something that was happening, she would always be the first one to let you know. At 15, she was at the age where she wanted to hang out with her friends more than her mother. With all of the games and practices from all of the sports she played, Kat was rarely home. Olivia didn't mind because her daughter was staying out of trouble and she trusted the teenager, more than she did anyone else._

_Kat had been away at school but come 7 o'clock that same night, Olivia had heard nothing from the teenager. She had called a few times here and there, left a few messages and spent the time waiting by the phone. At 10 o'clock, Olivia had become increasingly more worried because her daughter would have been home hours earlier. When she had called Kat's Coach, he said that she had left the bus with a few friends but he had assumed that Kat had made it home safe. Olivia was picking up her coat and getting ready to walk out the door, that's when she heard whimpering outside the apartment. Quickly opening the door, she found a sobbing Kat who fell into Olivia's arms._

_"Hey, hey, I've got you," Olivia gently spoke as she took on Kat's weight, slowly moving into the apartment and shutting the door. "It's okay, it's okay, I know." One hand was on the back of Kat's head and the other rubbing slow circles on the teenager's back, "You're safe, I promise." It scared Olivia to see her daughter in such a state, and to add to it, she had no idea why. She was trying to keep her cool, for Kat's sake but she just wanted to understand what happened to make her daughter so upset._

_"Sh, sh, sh," Olivia hushed, "You're going to make yourself sick, babe." Kat only clung tighter to her mother as she cried, she tried talking but it only came out as muffled sobs. She felt that in order to help her daughter, she had to ask, "Sweetheart, what happened?"_

_"E-Eli-Eliz-a-bb-eth," she choked out, "S-sh-e, d-d-di-died."_

_It immediately clicked in Olivia's mind as to what Kat was talking about and her heart broke for her daughter. Elizabeth was Kat's best friend, the two had met in preschool and ever since that day, had been inseparable. They were identical, and were mistaken for twins all the time – so much so, that both girls went along with it every time. If Kat wasn't at Elizabeth's house, Elizabeth was at Kat's house where both could be found laughing at all hours of the day. Elizabeth had always been a healthy kid, but about a year or so ago, she began having frequent headaches as well as balance issues. On the times where Olivia went to the girl's soccer games, she couldn't help but notice that Elizabeth seemed to be tripping over her feet, almost as if her extremities weren't cooperating with her brain._

_She remembered when Elizabeth's mother had called Olivia and told her the devastating news, the teenager had Glioblastoma, a form of brain cancer. Olivia and Anne-Marie both knew that Elizabeth's prognosis wasn't good but the doctors were quite optimistic. Elizabeth went through chemotherapy and radiation, only to lose her hair and half of her body weight. She quickly became a skeleton of her former self, and Kat was there every step of the way. The nurses gave tremendous credit to Kat for keeping Elizabeth's spirits up throughout her treatments. There were times when Elizabeth pushed Kat away out of love and fear that she knew that the end would one day come, she was trying to protect her friend who had poured so much of her life into the friendship. On occasion, the treatments became so intense that Elizabeth was confined to her bed for days, waiting for the nausea to pass. Kat would drop by after school and lay with Elizabeth, laughing and crying with her friend just to keep a sense of normalcy throughout everything._

_A few weeks ago, Elizabeth had told Kat that the chemo and radiation weren't working, that she wasn't getting any better. The doctors had wanted to do surgery to remove the tumor but when the x-ray came back, it was too intricate to even begin. She was terminal, and was given a small window of time before she would go, something that Kat took incredibly hard. At first, she stopped going to Elizabeth's and wouldn't reply to any of her calls and texts; she was in denial. Only when Elizabeth got rushed to the hospital one night after a seizure did Kat truly realize how precious life was, she was utterly unprepared to say goodbye and spent the entire night with her. She couldn't even begin to apologize to how selfish she became and in typical Elizabeth fashion, she welcomed her friend back with open arms._

_Towards the end, Elizabeth became lethargic and the pain was too much for her to bear. She was on a morphine drip and slept most of the time, only opening her eyes every once in a while. She lost the ability to talk, and would cry out, the most devastating noise that Kat had ever heard. She was confused most of the time and would become increasingly agitated at her surroundings, something that Kat never got used to. At first, Kat was hesitant to sit with Elizabeth but she spent the majority of her time reading aloud their favorite magazines, gossiping about what was going at school and how the basketball team was doing horrible without their leading scorer._

_Kat had gotten the call at 8:30, in the middle of her basketball game. By the time she had raced over to Elizabeth's house, she was too late. She had walked from Elizabeth's house back to her own, only to collapse into her mothers arms at the sheer devastation of the world falling at her feet._

_"I'm so, so sorry" Olivia spoke, "So, so sorry."_

_She couldn't speak, she clung to her mother tighter at the realization that her best friend wasn't coming back. Usually, when her mother rubbed her back or ran her fingers through her hair, it comforted Kat but this time, nothing seemed to help. "I know that it meant everything to her that you stayed by her side, through everything." Olivia soothed, "You meant the world to her, babe."_

_"W-wh-why d-d-did s-she h-have t-to g-g-go?"_

_"Some people spend a lifetime of wondering why bad things happen to good people." Olivia sadly spoke, "I wish I knew the answer, babe."_

_"I-I-I did-did-didn't ge-get t-t-to s-s-say go-go-good-b-bye." Kat cried, "I w-was a-a-at b-b-bas-ket-b-ball."_

_"I know," Olivia nodded as she kissed the top of Kat's head, "I know."_

_"I-I di-didn't g-get t-t-to s-say g-good-bye." She cried again, her hands going white as they clung to Olivia's shirt._

_This was Kat's first real experience with death, she had known Elizabeth was sick for a long time but the realization that her other half was gone was too much for her. She was utterly heartbroken for the life that was lost. "Sometimes saying goodbye doesn't mean anything," Olivia sadly said, "It's the hours you spent with her, the times you two were laughing until you cried that mean the most. It's the times you held her when she cried or laid with her in bed for hours after chemo. It's the times you didn't look at her as sick, but kept her spirit alive. It's the hours that you spent loving her, even when she didn't have the ability to love herself. Goodbye doesn't speak to any of that, it's only just a word."_

The teenager was sitting upright as her mother looked at into her reddening eyes, she had lost it only seconds ago to which her mother reached her good arm out and said, "Kat."

Kat shook her head, "I c-can't."

"Let me help you."

Swiping her hand at her eyes, she shook her head again. "This c-can't be f-fixed, M-mommy."

Even though Kat was seventeen, it never failed to surprise Olivia when she heard her daughter call her Mommy. That sweet little voice, even through tears was the reason that she had made it that far in life. "Try me," Olivia quietly said as she gave a warm smile to her daughter, "I've heard it all at this point."

The teenager cried, "I think you're giving up, truly giving up."

"What makes you say that?"

"You barely get out of bed," Kat replied as she fiddled with her hands in her lap, "You hardly talk, and when you do, it's begging me not to take you to the doctors. They're supposed to help you get better but you won't let them." She paused, "Half the time, I feel like I'm talking to myself and I get that you're always not in the mood to talk about your feelings but I hate seeing you so upset. I hate that I can't do anything to help you, and I hate that God felt it necessary to put you through the ringer."

"I'm sorry -" Olivia said before Kat continued once again, "Seeing you in so much pain day in and day out, physically hurts. I see the way you count down the hours until you can take the next dosage of pills, and that's not the way things should be. You shouldn't have to live your life like that, waiting for the time where you won't be in pain. I know that you aren't eating as much as you should, and I understand that it's because you're terrified to vomit. I get that, and I see the fear in your eyes whenever the front door opens because I know your mind goes back to him and that house. I know that most nights, you're afraid to go to sleep because you think you'll find him at the foot of your bed. Hell, I know you're afraid to sleep in general because of what you'll see in your dreams. I hear the way you cry out in the middle of the night either from pain or from seeing his face. He traumatized you, but is that anymore of a reason to let him win?"

"You're right, and I'm so sorry that I haven't been taking care of myself the way that I should." Olivia sadly confessed, feeling incredibly guilty for the fact that Kat saw through every front that she had put up, "It's a lot to handle, and I'm really trying my best not to fall apart."

"And I get that, I just wish you would talk about it. I hate seeing you bottle everything up in order to try to protect me. I was there in the hospital, I was there when you came home, I changed your bandages and cleaned up the mess he left all over you. I'm still here, sitting right in front of you and telling you that I know what he did to you and I know what everything looks like, even the things you'd rather forget. I can't even begin to tell you how awful that is, to be fully aware of how someone so sadistic could hurt someone the way he did with you. Regardless, I'd still be here. I wouldn't change stepping up to the plate, I'd still be advocating for you and I'd still love you regardless of how you look. Nothing will change that, and I hope you know that."

She nodded, "I do. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, honestly. I couldn't take care of myself if it was just me and even now, I'm doing a shit job pushing people away so they won't get hurt. That's what I do, when things get hard, I push people away. I even tried it with you," Olivia paused, gathering her thoughts, "I should have known it wouldn't work with you, you're just like me."

"I know, and I understand why you tried pushing people away. You had all of New York looking for you and if I was on the force, I would have been leading the way. I just think that there's a lot more people looking out for you than you give them credit for. Nick hasn't been by since the squad came over last, same with Fin and Cragen because they're buried so deep into getting a case started against Lewis. Amanda drops by every once in a while to check in because she knows that no matter how much we say that we've got everything handled, she knows that we aren't even close. Friends like that are one in a million and even though they aren't blood related, they're family, Mom. They want the best for you, just as much as I do."

"And I'm thankful for everything that they've done, for you and for me. This would have been a hell of a lot worse if I didn't have anyone standing behind me, and I really don't think I'd be here in that alternate universe."

Kat nodded, understanding the severity of her mother's thoughts, "But you are here, you made it through the toughest ordeal of your entire life. You're alive, and figuratively speaking, still in one piece. Most people would give up after going through what you did, and even though I'm sure you wanted to, you fought like hell to walk out of that beach house on two feet. That speaks volumes as to what kind of person you are."

"Honestly," Olivia looked down at the confession she was about to make, "I feel like I'm wasting away, like I'm in slow motion while the rest of the world is moving at regular speed. I'm not depressed and I don't need to be sedated, don't worry. I just can't seem to shake him off of me, I feel him on me all the time."

"I get that, I do. But is letting yourself become a skeleton of who you were before really going to solve anything? Is that going to help you kick his ass in court? Is it going to help you make it out of bed to be able to sit in the witness stand? It's hurting you, and it hurts me to see you like this. I want you to get better, and I want you to be able to live the life you want. I don't want to play Mom anymore, and I mean that in the nicest way possible." She hoped her mother wouldn't take it the wrong way, especially in her current state, "I dropped everything to take care of you and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I really would. Truthfully, I'm terrified to sleep at night because I don't want to walk in here and find that something happened to you when I wasn't there. It would kill me and I haven't slept the past week because I truly thought I was going to find you died in your sleep."

"I don't want to be like this," Olivia gently said before Kat cut her off again, "I need my mother, I don't want to lose you because you're the only thing I have left."

There was a mutual silence between the two, one that was filled with a general understanding of what the other was feeling. Kat had gotten the point across pretty clearly and Olivia knew that her daughter wasn't blaming anyone for the events, she was just stating facts. It was obvious that Olivia wasn't taking care of herself the way she should and it was even more apparent that she had let her daughter become somewhat of a mother at the snap of the fingers. Olivia wasn't mad at Kat, she was mad at herself for letting things get so bad before she got thrown back into reality. The life she was living wasn't normal and it was readily apparent to anyone who came into contact with her, Lewis only made it worse. However, by letting herself slip away, she was hurting her daughter in the worst way possible. She must have fallen asleep for some amount of time because when she woke up, she found her daughter gone with nothing but a note in her place. _Went to the pharmacy for the stronger meds the doctor gave you, be back in a little bit. Love, Kat._

She held the note in her hands, rereading it a few times over again. Her daughter had gone from normal teenager to professional caregiver in the blink of an eye, something that Olivia had failed to notice in the beginning. She stopped herself before she got too far into her thoughts, something she definitely didn't need to be doing. She heard a light tapping and she thought it was just the construction on the streets below, until she heard it again. This time, it was relatively louder but the same slow pace like someone was patient enough to wait for an answer. She wasn't expecting anyone and she knew that Kat had a key, for a brief second she thought of Lewis but knew that he was locked away in Bellevue under 24 hour surveillance. It took her a few minutes to sit up, and then again to stand. It had been a while since she had walked around on her own, without Kat's help and she was feeling the effects. She was sore, and stiff but as she slowly wobbled out of her bedroom, she couldn't help but lean onto the wall in an attempt to balance herself. She hurt, all over yet she continued to the front door where she heard the light tapping again. "Coming," her voice shaking much more than she would have liked, yet another sign of weakness radiating from her soul.

Her good hand grasped the door handle as the rest of her body leaned against the wall table, steadying herself in case she fell and to alleviate the pressure on her ankle and other wounds. She hesitated for a few seconds before she slowly opened the door. Her body immediately went rigid and her good arm flew to her mouth as she gasped at what she saw standing in front of her.

"Olivia?"

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**I'd really love it if you left a review, they always make my day!**


	40. Chapter 40

**So, in the past month that I've updated:**

**#1: I've been up to my eyeballs in homework and end of the semester projects. Not to worry, I've successfully turned everything in on time, and now, only 2 final exams separate me from an entire MONTH of Christmas Break!**

**#2: I found out that for student teaching next semester that I'll be in a first grade classroom for the first half and then for the second half, I'll be in an autism support classroom. I'm VERY excited!**

**#3: My puppy is doing great, he's gotten just a little bit bitter since I've last updated but he's still VERY cute and VERY snuggly - I just can't get enough!**

**#4: Totally didn't plan on abandoning this story for a month but school comes first, so I had to do what I had to do before I could pick this back up again. I hope this chapter was worth the wait for you!**

**#5: I'm on Twitter, come be my friend? - fearLIZness17**

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She was frozen in place, each of her legs feeling like a thousand pounds. Her eyes looked him up and down, in complete disbelief. At first, she thought it was some sort of a cosmic dream, a cruel joke that the medications were playing on her. It was only when her eyes met his crystal blue ones that she knew it was really him. He looked the same as he did all those years ago when he walked out of the squad room that fateful day. Of course he had grown older, but his age didn't show. To Olivia, he was the same man in the picture she kept on her desk, a memory that was frozen in time.

Her mind soon became flooded with memories of all the years they spent together and all of the ones when he wasn't around. She remembered how overprotective he was when she was pregnant, or how much he loved Kat when he first laid eyes on her. He was so smart, and amazing at SVU even though his temper sometimes got the best of him. He was the only Detective that Olivia knew who could get a suspect to shake in their boots the second he walked in the interrogation room and how compassionate he was when he met victims. She remembered the look in his eyes after a victim's statement and how in his mind, he was promising himself that he would bring justice. She remembered how funny he was during down time in the squad room and how on most days, she could throw it right back to him. She remembered all of the times where she let herself get too involved in cases and he was the only one who could bring her back to Earth. He was magical that way, and he was always there for the handful of times where her emotions got the best of her. He could read her like a book and he knew her better than she knew herself. She was always grateful that she could finally count on someone to have her back, it was rare in her life to find that.

She remembered Jenna, and the squad room in the days following. She remembered running to his house after Tucker let her go only to find out he was already gone. Running around all of their favorite spots, she came up empty time and time again. She called him a hundred times and there came a point when she lost count how many messages she left. She could count the number of times she thought she saw him walking down the street, only to figure out it was only a stranger. She remembered all of the hours she spent staring at the squad room doors hoping to see him walking in or the tears she constantly seemed to cry. She remembered how devastating it was to finally come to the realization that he wasn't coming back, and how she turned to drinking. The nights she spent in the bathroom, her knuckles white from vomiting. She became distant, and it took endless efforts by her daughter and her squad to pull her out of the fog she seemed to be stuck in.

She was broken out of her nostalgia by a deep feeling of hurt and anger. Her eyes zeroed in on his crystal blues, trying her best to keep her voice steady and free of emotion, "What are you doing here?"

Her injuries were the first thing he saw, and how she seemed to be so vulnerable to the world. She was skinnier than he remembered, and her skin seemed so pale compared to her once tan complexion. She seemed to sink into herself as if she was trying to disappear. But even through her injuries, he still thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "Fin called me, I flew in a few days ago."

Surprised was an understatement, as was disappointment. Before she could recede into her thoughts, he spoke, "I'm assuming he didn't tell you."

"No," she shook her head, "he didn't."

"I came as soon as I could."

She caught him looking at her injuries. The only things covering her body were sweatpants and a black tank top. She silently thanked God that she was able to pull her cardigan across her chest, covering up most of the bandages from his prying eyes. "He told you, didn't he."

"Not until I met him in the squad room," he paused, "Honest."

Olivia began to slowly shut down. The thought of him knowing every minute detail cut deeper than any pain she had ever known. He wasn't there during her struggle and he hadn't made any effort to contact her in the years he left. It was devastating, and she was slowly losing her grip on her emotions the longer he stood in front of her. "You n-need to g-go," she abruptly spoke.

"Liv, come on."

"P-please," she pleaded with him. Her voice cracking ever so slightly as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

He tried to look her in the eyes, but she was avoiding it. He knew she was shutting him out, something she was an expert at. "Don't shut me out, Liv. I'm here now."

"J-just g-g-go." She hated how desperate she sounded and she hated how her voice faltered with every word that left her mouth. "I can't d-do this, I-I'm so-sorry." She placed her hand on the apartment door and slowly closed it, shutting him out once again. Slowly sinking to the floor, her legs could no longer hold her body weight anymore. Outside the door, she could hear him place his hand on the door as he continued to stand in the hallway. She heard him sigh a few seconds later only to then hear his boots walking away. Only then, did she let herself cry. Sobs wracked her body, angering her injuries further but she couldn't seem to get herself under control. She knew that if she didn't move shortly, she was going to pay for it later. But, most of all, she didn't want Kat to walk in and find her in complete disarray.

She was distraught, and thanks to him, thoughts flooded her mind that truly frightened her. She didn't want to do anything she was going to regret and even though she promised about a hundred people, after seeing his face, she wasn't so sure she could keep her word. She was thankful that her phone was in the pocket of her sweatpants, she knew she couldn't have gotten up had it been elsewhere. Muscle memory took over as she dialed Amanda's phone number, one that she had frequently called for various occasions. She rested the phone on her shoulder, any arm movement becoming too strenuous for her body to take. She was still crying, and each breath was dependent on each second that passed waiting for Amanda to pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"M-man-d-da?" She choked out, just barely audible.

Amanda immediately became worried, "Liv? Are you okay? Did something happen? Where are you?"

"I-I need t-to – I ne-eed you t-to come o-over."

"I'll be right there, stay where you are, okay?"

She nodded, even though she knew Amanda couldn't see it. "G-get Fin t-t-to dist-ract K-kat, an-any-t-thing."

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She didn't take the elevator, she didn't have the time and knew she had to get to Olivia as soon as possible. She was thankful that it was only three flights that she had to climb but it didn't make it any less scary to know that she really had no clue what happened to make Olivia sound so distraught. When she stood in front of the door, she couldn't hear a peep, except for the occasional sniffle here and there. "Liv?" she softly spoke as she lightly tapped on the door, "It's me, Amanda. Can I come in?"

A small thump could be hear inside and Amanda took that as a sign to open the door on her own. She didn't know what she was going to walk into and every thought flew through her mind as she slowly propped the door open, peeking her head inside. Her eyes zeroed in on a sight that was all too familiar to the Blonde Detective. Olivia had been sitting in the same position since Elliot had walked away over an hour ago, tears streaming down her face. Her bad arm was cradled over her middle as her good arm covered her face, her legs sprawled out in front of her. She was a crumpled mess, not even bothering to look up at who was standing in the doorway.

Her voice dripped with sympathy as she spoke, "Oh, Liv."

A sob escaped the brunette's throat as it wracked her frail frame. When she looked up, she saw Amanda who was now crouched down on the floor in front of her. She couldn't manage a sentence, until Amanda spoke, "What happened?"

Olivia shook her head, incoherently stuttering, "I-i-it, I-I, W-w-we -"

Amanda took her good hand, enveloping it in her own, "Hey, hey, Hey." She gently squeezed Olivia's hand before saying, "You're okay, you're okay, breathe."

The brunette Detective made eye contact for the first time in the five minutes that Amanda had been in the apartment to which Amanda gently spoke, "Breathe, you're going to make yourself sick." She saw Olivia hanging on every one of Amanda's words as a way to pull her out of herself. The blonde saw a small breakthrough as Olivia slowly began to take deep breaths, calming down every so slowly. "There you go. You're okay, it's okay, I'm here."

"I-I'm s-so-sorry"

"No, no." Amanda stopped her before she could continue, "How about we get you back to your bed? I'm sure your muscles are crying for relief." She watched as Olivia nodded and before she could speak, Amanda cut in, "Then we can talk, about what's really bothering you."

It was slow going, and it took 10 minutes before any real movement was made. Olivia's muscles were contracting and stiff as boards, only making it harder for her to truly stand up straight. Amanda had half a mind to pick Olivia up and carry her down the hallway but preserving a sense of dignity was first and foremost. She leaned heavily on the blonde Detective for guidance and support, and after a period of intense struggle and pain, found Olivia laying in her bed and Amanda sitting cross-legged in front of her. She knew that Olivia was avoiding the inevitable but Amanda gently pushed the question, "Do you want to talk about what really happened?"

She sighed, "I th-thi-ink you al-already know."

"I want to hear it from you," Amanda gently stated. She was never one to beat around the push, she was always the first one to ask the hard-hitting questions to get the answers. When it came to Olivia, that was one of the things that drew her to Amanda in the first place. She admired the fact that Amanda didn't sugar-coat anything and everything she did for the brunette was out of the best intentions. "Start from the beginning."

"I woke up from a nap, but I don't really remember falling asleep." She paused as she tried to remember the events shortly after, "I kept hearing this tapping sound. At first, I thought I was going crazy but then I amounted it to construction on the streets below. When I realized that there wasn't any, that's when I realized it was the door."

"Where was Kat?"

"She had gone out to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, my doctor gave me a higher dosage of pain killers." Gathering her thoughts, she continued, "I struggled getting out of bed, and it took me a while to get to the door. The whole way, I was thinking about who was there and how I wasn't expecting anyone. I thought it was Lewis for the longest time but when I got a grip on myself, I opened the door."

Amanda nodded, knowing where this conversation was going. After all of the times her and Fin told Elliot to stay away, they both knew he wasn't going to listen. "Who was it?"

His name was stuck in her throat, she hadn't said it in a long time. She had virtually erased it from her vocabulary up until a week ago. Her eyes were starting to become watery as she spoke, "It was him, Elliot."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing," she remembered, "All I could think of were half a million memories we had shared over the past 12 years."

Amanda was going to ask another question until she realized that Olivia wasn't done talking, "I thought about what that moment would feel like a thousand different ways in the years that he wasn't around. But nothing could have prepared me for the fact that he was really standing in front of me, _alive_." She was teary but doing her best to preserve her emotions, "Isn't that terrible? I convinced myself that after 4 years of nothing, that he was probably dead. What kind of person am I?"

"One that was trying to compensate for a person who disappeared without a word."

"I can't even tell you how many voice-mails I left him in the years following or how many times I thought I saw him on the street. It was a relentless cycle of trying to forget and suddenly remembering. After a while, I tried anything and everything to forget him." She wasn't proud of her past and it deeply hurt her to think that she indulged in things she swore she'd never do. "I drank, a lot. Probably more than I should have. It was the only thing I knew how to do, thanks to my mother. I became angry, and bitter. I blamed the world for my suffering and no amount of alcohol could take that away."

"But you never let it affect your work, Liv."

She sighed, "I tried so hard to hide it. There came a point when I became so sick of people asking me how I was holding up, that I tried to run. I booked a plane ticket to South Dakota, to try to leave this god forsaken city behind."

"But you never went?"

"No," Olivia sighed, "I never went. I never went because I thought that if I ran, my problems would catch up sooner or later, they always do."

"No one blames you, Liv." Amanda began, "You felt trapped and if South Dakota would have been the only way out for you, it was your choice."

"I didn't even know what to think as I was standing there. I would have thought that hell would have frozen over before I ever found him at my front door." Her eyes were teary and she was incredibly self-conscious. "It was miserable, and I knew that he was looking me up and down, surveying every square inch of uncovered skin."

"He was probably concerned about you, anyone would be if they saw you walking down the street."

"But I don't want that," Olivia protested, "I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I don't want people to look at me any differently. I look like shit and I know that. Every second that he looked at me, I wanted to disappear." She wiped a tear away from her face, "It was miserable standing there like I was being looked at under a microscope, like he had never seen a battered woman before."

"He'd never seen _you_ like that before," Amanda emphasized, hoping that Olivia would maybe understand.

"What difference does it make?" Olivia questioned, "He wasn't there, He wasn't the one who found me, and he wasn't the one who stayed by my side in the hospital."

Silence fell throughout the room, Olivia was slowly falling apart at the seams with the realization that Elliot was really back and the fact that he would do anything to see her again. After a few minutes, Amanda quietly said, "But you wished he was there, didn't you."

She swallowed a lump in her throat, "It took me years and years to finally accept that he was gone, and that there wasn't a possibility he was coming back. I said a lot of things I probably shouldn't have to people that were only trying to help me. I was a monster to everyone, and I didn't mean to be." She paused, trying to keep the sob in her throat from escaping. "My life was flipped upside-down the second he pulled the trigger. There were times when I prayed to whatever God was listening that I could take it all back but that day never came. I so badly wanted closure that I tried to convince myself that I was the problem, that I was the reason he left. People always leave, 'Manda"

"Today, did he leave on his own?"

She shook her head, her eyes immediately looking down to her lap. "It was too much for me. The way he was looking at my injuries, and that he already knew about everything. I-I can't d-deal with the f-fact he knows."

Amanda immediately knew what Olivia was talking about, Fin must have told Elliot the story in the squad room the other day but in reality, it wasn't his story to tell. She gently squeezed Olivia's hand, "I know, it's hard but maybe it's for the best."

"No," Olivia shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears about to fall at any second, "All I wanted was for him to be the one to rescue me. He was the only person I saw in my mind while Lewis was on top of me time and time again. He was the voice in my head that kept telling me to make it one more day. He was the one that I wanted to call first once I got free." Her hand swiped away the handful of tears as she looked at Amanda, "He was the one that I wanted to walk me out of the beach house. He was the one I wanted in the ambulance, holding my hand and telling me it was all over. His eyes were the ones I wanted to look into so I could forget the horrific things I went through. He was the one I wanted to talk to all of the doctors and to make decisions for me. He was the one I wanted standing next to me during my rape kit. He was the one I wanted to hold me when I cried or tell me after every flashback that I was safe. I wanted him there for all of it, was that too much for me to ask?"

Amanda shook her head, "I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I'm sure that he regrets he wasn't there for you and I'm sure that he feels terrible that he most likely had no idea this happened." She could see Olivia was carefully listening, she knew that the brunette Detective felt deeply hurt and disappointed with the entire ordeal.

"4 years without so much as a phone call to let me know that he's okay and here he is showing up at my door." She half laughed, half choked back tears, "I don't need this right now, I can't afford to have him walk out on me for a second time. I thought I wanted this, but now, I'm not so sure anymore."

"12 years wasn't nothing, Liv." Amanda gently spoke, "You're in a vulnerable place right now, and it's hard for you to accept that." Olivia wiped a few tears away from her eyes as the blonde Detective kept talking, "But from what I've heard, there's a piece of your heart that still falls for him, no matter what." Her voice became quieter as she looked Olivia in the eyes, gently squeezing her good hand for support, "It's now your choice as to whether or not you should act on it."

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**I'd love it if you left a review - they always make my day a little brighter! :)**


	41. Chapter 41

**So, since I've last updated (I know, it's been quite a while.):**

**#1: I've been home since December 9th, it's been GLORIOUS to not have any schoolwork to do! **

**#2: My puppy is still as cute as ever, he's so snuggly!**

**#3: I took one of my MTEL (Massachusetts Teaching Exam for Licensure) tests today! I'm in the process of applying for a teaching license in Massachusetts (where I live). I won't find out my results for a few weeks but I'm pretty sure I passed, we'll see though! I have 3 more tests I have to take before I can officially apply but I'll keep y'all posted, don't worry.**

**#4: I'm applying to my first real, big girl job this week, which is both scary and so exciting at the same time. Fingers crossed I get in to Teach for America!**

**#5: Christmas was great, and the wine at dinner was even better. You can NEVER go wrong with it!**

**#6: Like before, I definitely didn't intend to abandon this story for a month - life gets busy. I hope this chapter was worth the wait, and I'd LOVE it if you left a review to tell me how you felt.**

**#7: I'm also on Twitter, but y'all definitely know that.**

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He spent a lot of time wandering after she sent him away. He didn't have a destination, his legs just seem to take over and didn't stop, for any reason. It wasn't raining, and despite the New York City atmosphere, the air had a certain stillness to it. He didn't hear the endless noise from cars rushing by as he walked down the street; for once, the city was quiet. It was eerie, he had forgotten how the city lulls somewhere between silent and so loud you can barely hear your thoughts. He tried to shut off his mind, but he kept seeing her battered face and her tired eyes at the forefront of it all. The longer he spent inside of his head, his legs did all the walking until they stopped in front of an old diner; one that was all too familiar to him.

An older waitresses had recognized his face from long ago which forced him to make small talk about why he hadn't been in to eat in so long. He obliged, he knew that she was only trying to be friendly but deep down, he wasn't in the mood. When the waitress had asked him what he wanted to eat, it solidified how long it had been since he had been back in the city. In times past, she would have just seen his face and his order would have already been in the kitchen. Now, he had forgotten what his usual order was. He decided on pancakes with a side of bacon and scrambled eggs but when he looked across the table, the seat across from him was now empty. Years and years ago, he had a constant companion who would be down to grab a bite to eat at any hour of the day. Today, he was flying solo and much to his dismay, his mind was replaying thousands of memories of days gone by.

_Over the past few weeks, he had noticed a change within her. She was never a peppy kind of person, more reserved than anything. She talked but was never overly chatty, she just wasn't like that. Olivia Benson was her own person, unlike anyone else that he had ever come across. With all that she was, he still had noticed that something was wrong. He had caught her numerous times with a look in her eyes that radiated sorrow and fear. When she fiddled with pens, he noticed her hands would shake slightly. She looked tired, more so than usual and one day, he could have sworn that she had just finished crying._

_With Olivia, things had to be done on her terms and he never would have been the first to ask her if something was wrong. He would look out for her as best as he could but it was always in a delicate way. Questions would never be asked, no matter how much he wanted to know something. It was an unwritten rule with Olivia, he would pry but when she started to shut down, he'd immediately back off. He figured that if Olivia wanted him to know, she would have said something a long time ago._

_Over the last few days, he had noticed Olivia pretending not to be as sick as she felt. She had barely eaten and her face was paler than her usual tan complexion. The bags under her eyes only seemed to grow darker with each passing day. On at least two occasions, he had caught her falling asleep at her desk. When he noticed her nodding off in between stacks of paperwork, he gently asked, "Come eat with me?"_

_"I'm fine, I brought lunch today."_

_"You and I both know that's a lie," he replied, "Come on, let's go to the diner."_

_After grumbling out of the squad room, the two found themselves meandering the streets of Manhattan. It was a particularly cold day in the city, not uncommon for the beginning of November. The walk was silent, and Olivia was happy to see the 'Welcome' sign as they drew closer to the diner. The warm air came as a relief to the cold Detective's and they were soon nursing a hot cup of coffee in a corner booth. He caught her staring out the window, watching the world go by for longer than she usually does. He had wondered endlessly about what went on inside that head of hers all the time but the majority of the time, he couldn't even offer a guess. "Something on your mind?"_

_The question immediately brought her back to reality, "Everything's fine, El."_

_"You've barely touched your coffee since we've sat down."_

_Truth be told, not only was it still too hot for her, but lately, it had made her stomach flip flop at the thought of drinking it. She knew the reason why but she was still trying to run away from the situation at hand. She tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear before answering him, "It's still too hot, I promise."_

_It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that something was wrong in her life, her attitude and facial expressions said it all. No matter how hard she tried to hide it, he could always read her and pick up on those small details. Keeping up with appearances, Olivia picked up the coffee mug and put it to her mouth, taking a small sip. As soon as she swallowed, she could feel her stomach contract; she prayed that it wouldn't come back up. When her eyes met his, he asked yet another question, "Stomach bug?"_

_She half-laughed and half wanted to cry, "Something like that." She hated the way her voice sounded when it cracked with emotion and she hoped that he didn't pick up on it, she wasn't ready to accept her fate._

_"Liv," he sympathetically said, "let me in."_

_The food had arrived minutes earlier and it was untouched by both Detective's. Olivia was staring past Elliot, deep in thought, about whether or not she wanted to go down this road in the middle of a public place. He enveloped her hands in his own, gently bringing her back to Earth. "Liv, it's okay, whatever it is."_

_She shook her head, willfully trying to rid the tears threatening to fall. "I-I'm pregnant, El."_

_"Mark's?"_

_"Y-yeah."_

_"Have you told him?"_

_Her lip started to quiver and a few of the tears had already slipped down her cheeks, "He told me he was married, he already has a family."_

_"Oh, Liv." He quietly said as he gently squeezed her hand, "He doesn't want any part of the baby?"_

_She shook her head and as her eyes met his, they radiated complete fear. Elliot knew that she had no idea what she was going to do and it scared her to no end that she was in it alone. She wanted so badly to run but the realization her life was going to seriously change was at the forefront of her mind. "I never knew, until he told me a few days ago. I dated him for months and he only just now told me he was married. I fell in love with him and now it's all gone to hell. How am I supposed to raise a child on my own with what I do for a living? How am I supposed to pay for it all? I don't know the first thing about babies. What if Tucker finds out? I won't be able to work. What am I supposed to do?"_

_He cut her off when he saw that she was on the verge of panicking. Her eyes were darting all over the diner and he knew that he had to act quickly before she shut down completely. "Liv, look at me." He pressed again when he saw that she was trying to get up to leave, "Please, look at me, Liv."_

_"I know it's scary right now, and I know you want to run. You want to get the hell out of here because the world feels like it's closing in on you but I need you to listen to me," he gently pressed to get her to focus, "You feel alone and helpless which I know you absolutely hate. Mark dealt you a low blow and it threw you for a loop, I get it. I know you hate the fact that you're crying and that you feel so crappy but we'll figure out a way to help you get through this. You're not alone, you have me and you have the squad, probably Kathy too. We won't let you go down the rabbit hole, Liv. You can trust us."_

He remembered how scared she truly was about the fact she was going to become a single mother, just like Serena. Even though Liv never admitted it, he knew the thought was always floating around in her head. She wanted to do right by her daughter and even all these years later, she had come out on top. Even though she had her moments where she was scared to death, she pushed through, something that he deeply admired about her.

The diner had grown quiet and he was nearing the end of his meal. He left the bill and a handful of change on the table for the waitress to collect as he made his exit. Walking down the streets, it was hard for him to really focus on where he even wanted to go. He didn't even know what he wanted anymore, especially with everything that had gone on the past few days. He wanted nothing more than to go back to her apartment and really explain himself but it would only make things worse. He understood how difficult it was for her to understand that he knew what happened to her, and the fact it wasn't her who told him. He wasn't even sure what he wanted out of coming back to the city, and with the fact she didn't want to see him, he was contemplating leaving altogether. He was getting in the mindset of regretting coming back and how he should have just stayed away completely.

His phone was ringing, just loud enough to break him away from his thoughts. Amanda's voice came as a shock when he heard her on the other line, "Elliot?"

"Hello?"

"It's Amanda," she softly replied, "Meet me in the squad room in 15 minutes, will you?"

"Y-yeah, I'll be there." He was confused, and he kicked himself for not asking what the problem was. She didn't have a sense of urgency in her voice so he assumed nothing was wrong but at SVU, you learn to expect the worse at any given moment. He was only a short walk away from the precinct, and it was a path he knew well. He had been in earlier the previous day to talk to Fin and he was surprised to see it empty when he entered the double doors.

The first thing he noticed was her desk, and the way that it looked exactly how she left it before Lewis. The pictures were the same as they were years ago, except her favorite one was missing. It was a candid that Munch had taken on his old camera, the two didn't even realize they were being photographed until a picture showed up in an envelope on their desks a week later. Elliot assumed it was buried deep within the drawers of her desk, where his was tucked in his wallet so she was never far away from him. He opened the top drawer on the right side and found a secret stash of Twix, her favorite candy and next to it, Milky Way's for Kat. He slightly chuckled to himself at the fact her ways hadn't changed even after he had left. He could still imagine her sneaking bites in between case loads, especially during late nights when leaving the squad room wasn't an option. The drawer underneath had every piece of artwork that Kat had ever drawn while she was visiting the squad room. It didn't take much to occupy the child, she was up for anything and everything – a trait she inherited from her mother. He rustled through the papers filled with stick people and scribbles, admiring the memories from long ago. He could still picture the young child sitting at his desk, her feet dangling from the swivel chair as she held four crayons in her hand at once. He could still hear Kat's little voice declaring she was finished after every picture and how proud she was of her work, he missed those days. When he looked at the top of her desk, he found Kat's most recent school picture. She was skinny as a rail, and had almost identical facial features to her mother. At a quick glance, anyone could have mistaken it for Olivia. He picked up two different frames to get a better look; one a picture of the squad at the Christmas party from the past year and the other, a young Kat at the beach with the largest pair of bright pink sunglasses on her face.

Interrupting a trip down memory lane, Amanda had come out of the elevator. "Thanks for meeting me here, I really appreciate it."

He placed the pictures back down on Olivia's desk and sighed, "Everything alright?"

"I could ask you the same question," she cracked a slight smile.

"You come straight from her apartment?"

"She called me, right after you left."

He placed his hand on his head, rubbing the top of it. He was hoping that it wasn't anything terrible or that this was the end of his visit in the city, "What'd she tell you?"

Amanda could tell that he was slightly nervous about what she was going to say, it was evident in his body language. She didn't want to divulge too much about the conversation she had with Liv, but she also wanted to set his nerves to rest. "Look, I'm not here to yell at you about the past and I'm not here to reprimand you for showing up at the apartment. That's not my place to say anything and I don't want you to feel like I'm against what you're trying to do."

"Then why'd you call me here?"

"Because I want you to realize that there's a lot more to what happened with her than meets the eye." Amanda gently said, "I get it, I know that you came back into the city because you were scared to death about the bomb Fin dropped on you over the phone. You heard something off in his voice and you came running here, that's all well and good. I just want to tell you first and foremost, I'm not here to lecture you about anything."

"I messed up," he sighed, realizing that he was so foolish to randomly corner both Benson's, "I just showed up out of the blue."

"Your heart ran the show, there's nothing wrong with that."

"I didn't show up here to cause arguments or relive every mistake I've ever made with them," he sat down at Olivia's desk and Amanda sat at Fin's desk across the way, "It wasn't my intention to burn every bridge I ever had."

She nodded, "And I know that it feels like coming back here only made things worse and with how things were left with both Kat and Liv, I'm sure the last place you want to be is sitting here talking to me, right?"

"I guess you could say that," he half laughed to himself as he continued, "When Fin said it would be better if I came here to talk, I freaked. The entire plane ride here, I was preparing myself for what it would feel like to be told that Liv had died. I was miserable, and I replayed every single memory we've shared in my head."

"Well, clearly she hasn't died." Amanda smiled slightly, until she realized that she should have said what she did. "Sorry, I mean – that Fin didn't tell you that she was very much still alive before you set foot on that plane. He wasn't trying to give you a heart attack or anything, it was just more of a conversation that needed to be in person, you know?"

"No, I get it. I really do. I'm just sorry that I wasn't there from the start, I had no idea. I had no idea, Amanda."

"I'm sure that Fin told you what's in the file, am I right?"

"Just about," he sadly said as he remembered all of the horrific images of her flowing through his mind, "Maybe he left some of the more gory things out, probably to protect her. I don't blame him, I'd have done the same thing."

"We all care about her, Elliot. Very much so." She leaned forward in her chair so her elbows were on the desk, "We want the best for both her and Kat, we couldn't bear to sit and watch as she wasted away. Liv's been through hell, and I know you think you may have an idea from what you've heard or maybe even seen a glimpse of, but this is bigger."

There were a few moments of silence in the squad room as Elliot thought about what he was hearing. This was the first time that he could actually have a moment of clarity, something he hadn't had since Jenna died. "Who even came up with the idea to contact me?"

She dipped her head slightly when she remembered the conversation she had with the frightened teenager one night, "Kat did."

"What?" He sputtered, utterly confused, "After our conversation on the roof, she gave me a few choice words and said it'd be better if I never showed up."

"Kat took on the role of caregiver once Liv was discharged from the hospital. It wasn't something we told her to do, she immediately took action on her own accord. She's incredibly strong, and she's put on such a brave face despite the world crashing down on her." Amanda could see that Elliot was about to interject but she held her hand up, before continuing, "Liv's on a lot of medication right now, and it takes over when it's in her system. She has constant nightmares and flashbacks that just debilitate her to the point of exhaustion. During one of them, Kat explained to me that she was begging to be held and she just kept mumbling your name on a loop." Amanda hesitated, knowing she shouldn't be telling him this but continued anyways, "Kat likened it to the day Liv found out that you turned your papers in."

It was hard enough to accept that Olivia had been through hell but the fact he hadn't been there when she called out for him just about sent him over the edge. He was slightly tapping his fist on the table while looking at the door, "She asked for me, and I wasn't there. How terrible is that, to know that she was hurting so badly and there's nothing you could have done about it."

"She still is, Elliot. Lewis broke her, in every aspect of the word. She's struggling immensely and I'm not so sure she has the will to fight anymore."

He shook his head, "She doesn't want to see me, neither of them do. I can't say I blame them, I screwed up and I don't think that I can take any of it back."

"It's not about the fact that you screwed up, that's the least of their worries right now. Kat is angry at the world for letting her mother endure a pain so deep that no amount of medication can help. She so badly wants to wake up from the nightmare her life turned into because of Lewis. And Liv, she's so lost that she can't even get up from bed half the time. She's exhausted to the point where she stops speaking or sleeps so much that she barely eats. She's cried about an ocean and a half of tears, I don't think you can die from crying but at this point, it's pretty safe to say that she's coming close." Amanda paused, collecting her thoughts for a few seconds before continuing, "Liv is so torn between letting the past in or continuing to move on with her life. She wants to run, as far as she can, but she can't. It's scary for her to know that her story isn't a secret and that virtually the entire world knows, including you." She started to get up from her seat and gently patted his shoulder before walking towards the elevator, "I know it feels like everyone is against you but despite what other people say, I'm on your side here, Elliot."

He was now alone in the squad room with all of his thoughts about what Amanda had shared before she left. He wanted to do right by Kat and Olivia, he felt terrible about the fact he wasn't there when she needed him. It was hard for him to accept that they had done their best trying to move on and then Lewis came along and wrecked all of it. Elliot never understood why such terrible things happened to such amazing people and despite this, he picked up his phone and opened up his texts to compose a new message. He knew that if he called, Olivia would never listen to his voice-mail nor would she call him and truthfully, he wasn't even sure if the number he had was still hers. He began to type anyways, his fingers taking over the task at hand: _"I'm sorry, for everything. But more importantly, I'm sorry for showing up at your door unexpectedly today. You deserved better than that, and I regret the pain it may have caused you to see me standing in front of you. I want to do right this time, and if given the chance, I'd like to talk, or at least have a moment to explain myself. Even if you never read this or never respond, I just want to say how sorry I am for not being there for you when you needed me the most; it's one of my biggest regrets."_

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**I'd love love love it if you'd leave a review! :)**


	42. Chapter 42

**So, since I've last updated:**

**#1: I started student teaching, I'm in first grade and I LOVE IT! The students are so amazing and my co-operating teacher is so nice and wonderful - it's just an awesome experience so far! I taught my first lesson today and it went really well - I teach a math lesson on Thursday so stay tuned!**

**#2: I'm also on Twitter, but y'all knew that 20 chapters ago!**

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**Time for some sap: **

**Today is the one year mark since I started writing this story. One year ago, a little idea popped into my head about what Olivia's life would be like if she had a daughter during the Lewis saga. I had never considered myself a "writer" - the only things I had written were research papers for school, that was it. Even now, I still don't consider myself a "writer" and I'm sure many of you will argue me on that. I had only ever read stories on this site and the thought never even crossed my mind to start and write one myself. But, I decided to take a risk and step out of my comfort zone. Honestly, if you would have told me a year ago that I would write 40-something chapters about a story line sparked from SVU, I would have told you that you were crazy. Usually, I never stick with anything long enough to see it through - let alone, commit myself to writing for an entire year. I don't think I can ever fully thank each and every one of you who have read and reviewed this story over the past 365 days, there just aren't enough words. I'll try my best anyways. Thank you, for running with me and sticking with me as I navigated through all of my crazy ideas. Thank you, for following this story as I was traveling around the world and discovering all that life had to offer. Thank you, for still hitting that favorite or follow button regardless of the fact that I hadn't updated in a month - you are all fantastic.**

**I'm truly grateful, for everything and I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. **

**This story is just as much yours as it is mine.**

**xo, Liz**

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Her head had been pounding for hours, a feeling that was nothing new to her. The concussion she was diagnosed with was mild, and the doctor in the hospital had assured her that there would be no long term effects. Some days had been better than others, and there were days where she wanted to scream because no pill could seem to fix her ailments. It was early in the morning and the rest of the world hadn't quite woken up yet. When she closed her eyes, the pounding in her head only seemed to get worse but when she stared at the darkness in the room, it felt like it was spinning; a feeling that made the nausea even worse. She had tried laying on her side, but the lightning bolt of pain that shot through her ribs was too much to bear and a pillow over her head had only aggravated the lacerations on her face.

Her head was facing the window, and her eyes gazed out at the skyscrapers that surrounded her apartment building. Her mind wandered to all the people who were just coming home from a night shift, or the people who were just getting up to make it to work on time. The families bringing newborns home from the hospital and how much happiness their life was now filled with or the people who were dealing with the unimaginable sadness of losing a loved one. She thought of the people who were alone, the ones who were just trying to make it to the next day in one piece. The people whose lives were about to change in an instant, how they had no idea to the day they were waking up to.

_It was in the wee hours of the morning when she heard the shrill of her cell phone. When she glanced at the clock, she sighed as it read 2:15am. Over the years, she had gotten used to late night/early morning calls but today, it was a day where she desperately needed sleep. It was the hospital, saying that there was a victim. The doctor explained that she hadn't let anyone near her and the only name that escaped her lips was Olivia's._

_Hanging up, she quickly tore herself out of bed and threw on the first outfit she could find. She was glad that Kat was staying at Elliot's for the night, Lizzie had been asking for a sleepover for some time and Liv had finally given in to the request. The drive to the hospital was mindless, she had known the route from start to finish – she could thank SVU for that. Wandering the halls sparked memories of cases gone by, the bad and the ugly. There were never any "good" cases that came through SVU, it was just the way things went. You learned to take each case one by one, and not get too caught up in the cases that had yet to pile up on your desk, "tricks of the trade" she remembered Cragen muttering to her one morning._

_One of the nurses had already told her which room this victim was in and she had no trouble finding it, she was regular in the hospital wings. She had slowly entered the room and had softly made it known who she was, she didn't want to terrify the victim anymore than she already was. She saw a bruised and battered 24 year old, who she had come to know well over the years. She had grown up in an abusive home, her father was an alcoholic and her mother was in to pills. In all the years that Olivia had known Mary-Kate, she was always a bright girl and a child who was so much better than where she came from. Now, she still couldn't understand why bad things kept happening to this sweet, girl who deserved so much more than what the world had given her._

_Mary-Kate had been taking night classes to earn her Master's degree at NYU and in order to keep up on tuition payments, she had been working 4 jobs around the clock. She had been walking home just a few hours before when she was blindsided by a man in an alleyway. He beat her up pretty badly, to the point where she could no longer fight back and then he raped her, leaving her for dead soon after. She was shaken up, and the cuts on her face needed to be stitched up. She held her arm tightly across her middle, fiercely protecting her cracked ribs from harms way. She had agreed to a rape kit when she found out that the nurses had called Olivia but by the time the Detective had walked in, everything was packaged and en route to CSU._

_The doctors had found no reason to keep Mary-Kate in the hospital, her injuries could heal on their own, without medical intervention. She was due to be discharged in a short time, but the doctor explained that she needed someone to take her home. She revealed to Olivia that her father was in serving a 10 year jail sentence and her mother had died 2 years earlier. She didn't have many friends and in between jobs, she just didn't have the time. Olivia had immediately stepped in to advocate for Mary-Kate and explained that she was coming home with her, and that Olivia would keep an eye on her._

_It was slow going into the apartment and Olivia had made sure that Mary-Kate had wanted to say something, she just didn't know how. "You know, you can talk to me, about anything. I know it's been a while but, I'm here."_

_"I didn't think you'd come," Mary-Kate confessed._

_Olivia sat down on the couch, her body turned towards the scared girl. "When someone calls me, even if it's 2 o'clock in the morning, I'm always going to show up."_

_"Even though I'm not the little kid you used to know?"_

_She nodded, "You were hurt, terrified and alone. You called for me, and regardless of how old you are, I'm going to be there."_

_"Why'd you bring me back to your house? Besides the fact that I have no parents and that you were the only person who stepped in before the doctor told me I had to stay."_

_"Do you remember what I told you when you were 13?"_

_Mary-Kate paused, remembering the night that her father shot her mother after he downed a bottle of Smirnoff and a 12-pack of beer. She remembered seeing Olivia, who had been a familiar face after all of the calls made to the cops. She remembered how scared she was and how much pain she was in, while she was trying to get away, her father had done an number on her frail frame. She remembered crying into Olivia's shoulder and all the reassuring words that were exchanged as well as how safe she felt when she realized that someone truly cared. "That I deserved so much better than the hand I was dealt."_

_"You do, Mary-Kate." Olivia reassured her, "All the times that your dad hurt you or the times where your mother chose a bottle of pills over you, they were so far into themselves that they never truly understood the beautiful, caring daughter they had."_

_"But you kept coming back, didn't you get sick of seeing the same old song and dance from us?"_

_"Believe it or not," Olivia paused, "I came not only because it was my job, but because of you. I saw how you craved love and attention. I saw how even after everything your parents put you through, you put it past you because you knew it wasn't them doing the deed. You were just a little girl stuck in a family who didn't appreciate all that you were, and all that you could be. Even if I just sat with you or brought your mind away from reality for just a second, I hoped that I could make just the smallest difference in your life."_

_Mary-Kate nodded, she had long since stopped wringing her hands. She never understood how Olivia did it, how she could put someone at ease in a matter of minutes like it was nothing. "One time, when my mom was so strung out, she went on this rant about how I was so terrible. Of course, she used a few choice words but she just didn't seem to let up about how I would never amount to anything or how I would never make it out of the life I was living. There came a point where I almost started to believe them, until I met you." She looked at Olivia, forcing a smile through all of the mixed emotions and pain she was feeling. "I had never met a single person who cared about me as much as you did. In my house, no one ever talked to me and when they did, it was yelling or some degrading off-handed comment. You listened, I mean truly listened to a little girl whose life was falling apart at the seams. You didn't have to, you could have just pushed me aside like everyone else but you believed in me. I pushed myself through school, ignored what my parents had to say and somehow made it to college. I graduated, got a degree in education and now I'm working to pay for grad school for my masters. You inspired me to not give up, and for the record, you changed my life and turned it into something great."_

She wasn't sure when the sun came up, she wasn't even sure if she fell back asleep or just zoned out. It was scary what her brain remembered and although it was nice to reminisce about Mary-Kate, she wondered how she was doing. She wondered if she'd even heard about the incident, it pained Olivia to truly think about how many people saw her face plastered all over the news. She had never been one to like being the center of attention and now that she was, she hated it. She knew that the press was dying to interview her or see a glimpse of her, even more than ever. They were camped out at the precinct, interviewing doctors who treated her at the hospital and occasionally waiting outside her apartment building. The privacy she so desperately wanted wasn't available and Olivia was truly struggling with it.

Olivia knew that Kat had been tip-toeing around again, she knew the teenager was trying to find steady ground. A few days ago, Olivia had tried to get Kat to go back to school for the last few weeks of her junior year. She just wanted to create a sense of normalcy for her daughter, but it only created an argument. Kat protested and said that neither of them were ready to face the fact that this was their new version of reality. The teenager had blatantly said that Liv was so dependent that she wasn't ready to be by herself and that she was still suffering because she was a victim; something that Olivia didn't want to hear. It was an ugly fight, and Kat spent much of her time in her room, trying to avoid confrontation. She only came out when it was absolutely necessary and even then, there was no conversation between mother and daughter. Truthfully, Olivia regretted snapping at Kat, she was simply stating a fact. She wasn't an angry person, and she hated what all the medications had done to her. She had contemplated just not taking the pain medication but she thought that if she was still counting down the minutes until she could take the next dosage, it probably wasn't in her best interest.

"Kat," she called out, knowing that her daughter was in the living room.

Just a few short minutes later, the bedroom door slowly opened. The teenager avoided making eye contact with her mother and just simply asked, "This isn't to yell at me, is it?"

"Sit," Olivia motioned to the bed, "please."

Kat hesitated, standing still by the door, "I'm really not in the mood to be yelled at, can I just go?"

"I'm not here to yell at you, that's over and done with," Olivia gently said, "We need to talk, that's all."

The teenager sat down on the foot of the bed, her eyes staring directly into her mother's. She was trying to read what Olivia was going to say, but she wasn't quite sure. "Talk about what?"

"I'm sorry," Olivia softly said, "I hated the argument we had, and I'm sorry it came down to that. I wasn't trying to force you to go back to school, I just wanted you to have the option, in case you wanted to. I didn't mean any harm by asking about it and I didn't mean to yell at you over the things you said to me."

"I didn't want to go back to school, mainly because of the fact that I don't trust the world. If something happened, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for being so selfish for leaving you. It's a terrible thing to think about and I hate myself for it, but I can't help it. I know how badly you want to be independent and how much you want forget this ever happened. I hate that this is your life now, and going back to school wouldn't solve any of it."

She nodded, knowing how deeply her daughter has been affected. It had been an adjustment period for everyone, something that no one wanted to deal with. "I know that you were only trying to put things into perspective over the fact that I would be alone while you were at school. You were right, I'm not independent and I so badly wish I was. I wish I wasn't so hurt, and I wish that God hadn't been so cruel. I wish you would talk to me about these things, because I know you shove them down so far inside you that you'd give anything to forget about them. I know, because you're exactly like me. You're frustrated, with everything and it's been written all over your face since the day you snuck into my hospital room."

"Do you know how it feels to see someone you'd literally die for, in so much pain that she can't even function?" Kat quietly asked, it was the truest question that had ever left her lips and it struck a chord in Olivia immediately. "Or how it feels to know that there's nothing you can do to help take even an ounce of your pain away? Or how it feels to sit in my room and hear you sobbing through the walls because you had a flashback? Or what about how it feels to see you laying in your bed day after day because you're in too much pain to even speak? I thought I knew what helpless felt like, but wow, this really changed everything."

"You feel guilty, because you think it'd be better if this was you, instead of me. Am I right?"

"I wish that I could say no," Kat confessed, tearfully. "But if I would have just come home that night, none of this would have happened. It should have been me, not you. You're my mom, bad things aren't supposed to happen to you. You aren't supposed to get kidnapped and almost die at the hands of a sadistic sociopath. I wish it was me, because then you wouldn't be in so much pain. You'd know exactly what to do to help me, but when it's you, I have no idea how to even begin to help you. I'm only seventeen, I'm not as smart as you and I'm sure as hell not as strong as you either. I just want you to be better, Mommy."

Olivia nodded, her heart felt like it had shattered at the fact that Kat had called her 'Mommy'. It was becoming more of a frequent occurrence and she couldn't help but feel awful about it. "Babe, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, not even you. I know you may think that it'd be better if you were me, but you have to believe me, as twisted as it sounds, when I say it's best it was me. Bad things happen to good people, sweetheart and sometimes, there's nothing you can really do about it. I wish things were different and I wish that the world wasn't so cruel. I'm not God, and I can't play Him either, that's just a fact of life unfortunately."

"There's only so much pain a person can take though," Kat hesitantly added, "and I'm scared you're nearing the end of the rope."

"It looks like that, and on most days, it feels like that too." Olivia replied, trying to ease her daughters worries in the best way she could, "I'm sticking around for the long haul, Kat. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still your mother, regardless of what I look like. I don't go down that easily, and it's going to take a lot more than what he did to take me away from this Earth. No matter how many times I yell at you, or how many days I go without speaking, I love you more than anything and nothing can change that."

Kat was now laying next to her mother, both Benson's looking up at the ceiling as they continued talking. "As corny as it sounds, I'm just really glad that you're my mom, I really don't know what I'd do without you." There was a pause, before she continued hesitantly. "I know you've been worried lately about Elliot and it's okay."

"Why would you say that?" Olivia replied, genuinely curious as to how her daughter could have possibly known he was in town.

"The other day, when you were sleeping, after your doctor's appointment, he showed up here. He asked for you, but I took him up to the roof and we talked. Well, I yelled and he did a lot of listening. He kept asking to see you, but at the time, I just didn't think it was right. I sent him away, told him it was better if he didn't come back, for both of our sakes. But, I'm guessing he didn't listen because by the way you're acting, he probably showed up here, right?"

"Y-yeah, h-he d-did."

"You don't have to tell me," Kat paused, knowing full-well that a no had never worked with Elliot, and she wasn't all that surprised that he had come back to see her mother for himself. "I'm not going to tell you what to do, or what to say. You're obviously capable of that, but whatever you decide, I'm right behind you." As quickly as she had laid down next to her mother, she had slipped out the door and back into the living room, leaving Olivia alone again.

Her phone was sitting on the nightstand next to the bed and with her good arm, she slowly reached out for it. It was just about dead and honestly, she had forgotten about it lately. There were a few texts from Amaro, Fin and Cragen as well as a missed call from Amanda but there was one name in particular that her eyes focused on. She had hesitantly read the text and her mind instantly went blank. She was torn, half of her wanted to reply and half of her never wanted to see him again. She remembered the talk with Amanda and how it was left, but she also remembered how it felt to be standing in front of him. Her brain said no, but her heart said yes. The fingers on her hand typed a simple message, and then hit send. _"Okay."_

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**As always, I'd love it if you'd left a review! :)**


	43. Chapter 43

**So, since I've last updated:**

**#1: Student teaching has been going amazing! My students are awesome, and I'm learning so much from my co-operating teacher. I've taught a number of lessons, from phonics to read alouds, grammar to math and everything in between - I just love it! I teach 3 lessons this week, which is exciting! I'll keep ya posted on how they go!**

**#2: Unfortunately didn't get accepted into Teach for America - oh well. I didn't get my hopes up so I'm not that sad about it, all of America was vying for a spot. Now I have to look for a regular teaching job somewhere in the United States!**

**#3: The Patriots lost last night and I am VERY sad about it. The fact that it was so close and it ended the way it did, is devastating. But, like all die-hard fans, I still love them! Next year, ya better watch out - we're going for 5!**

**#3: I'm also on Twitter, fearLIZness17**

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He had been sitting in his hotel room flipping through sixty channels of absolute nothing on the television. Despite knowing that no matter how many times he circled the channels, he continued. It was a way to pass the time, and since his brain had been on over-drive the past few days, it was a welcome invitation to zone out. There were the usual soap operas, the ones that he couldn't stand to listen to. It was always the same song and dance, each episode starting and ending in a similar fashion to those from days past. There were the old sitcoms, the ones that used to be funny. The ones that were genuine television, it made him wonder what the world was thinking when they came to an end. There were the ESPN's and SportsCenter's that nit-picked every athlete and showed the highlights. The ones that were impossible to execute under any circumstances, but somehow miracles occurred despite this. He could picture himself as a young boy, idolizing his favorite athletes, wishing he too could make fantastic plays. Deep down, he wanted to be the hero. He wanted to save the day, to help the underdogs become great.

And then there were the CNN's, MSNBC's, and FoxNews. The channels that never seemed to have any happy news. There were the war-torn countries with thousands of displaced people and the funerals of soldiers who didn't make it back home to their families. The children with cancer who wanted one last wish before their final breath and the stories of people who had died tragically. The car accidents, the house fires, shootings, murders, and then there was her. The kidnapping, the torture, the escape. She was a household name, the world knew her face and her ordeal. They knew nothing of the person she was. They didn't know what made her laugh until she cried, or her drink of choice after a long day. They didn't know that when she was staring off into the distance, she was lost in her own head. They didn't know that when she insisted she was fine, it was just to save face. They didn't know how her smile could light up an entire room and they didn't know how it felt to truly call her a friend. They didn't know how much she loved her daughter, nor did they know how passionate she was about Special Victims Unit. They didn't know how many victim's lives she had changed just by being there and they didn't know how on some nights, she cried for hours at the atrocities she saw on the clock. They didn't know her, they didn't know her at all.

His phone had gone off twice, the sound barely audible with his mind racing. Truthfully, he had forgotten for a second he even had one. When he first left New York, it would constantly go off with people looking for him. It was a constant barrage of texts and voice-mails that he never even bothered to read or listen to. Over the years, people learned that with radio silence, it meant he probably didn't want to talk. The voice-mails and texts stopped coming, and the home screen never lit up. Now, his phone meant nothing to him. At one point, he had considered getting rid of it altogether, it was dead weight.

When he picked the phone up off the bedside table, he was shocked to see her name idling on the home screen. He wasn't expecting a response, nor did he think she was going to even read it. She had enough going on as it is, the last thing he'd expect was for her to give him the time of day. But that's the kind of person she was, always thinking of others before herself. Despite all the times where her plate was overflowing with life's curve-balls, she put herself last. He was one of the many things he admired about her, but no matter what was happening, she would always be there. If it was two o'clock in the morning and she was in bed with the flu, she'd tear herself away to talk to a victim. If she was eight months pregnant and felt like crap, she'd still show up to see one of his kids soccer games. She was never looking for any personal satisfaction, she just did it out of the goodness of her heart. Despite all the wrongs in the world, she was one of the rights.

_She had been coughing all week, a cold looking like it was kicking her butt. When she had chased a perp down eight city blocks into Central Park, she had tried to pretend she was fine but he caught her doubled over behind a tree, trying to catch her breath. She had gone home that day, and he hadn't heard from her in three days. He knew that she never took sick days, and it took a lot to even come close to admitting that she felt terrible._

_He had swung by her place after work on Friday, just to check in. He knew that she was alone, and trying to do her best to sleep it off. He had a key, but to preserve her dignity, he knocked anyways. He heard shuffling and a few bouts of coughing before the door slowly opened. Her hair was falling out of a bun and she was in sweats. She was propping her body up on the door frame, trying to keep herself upright. Her eyes were red, almost as if she had been crying. She looked exhausted, like the weight of the world was pushing down on her. Her breaths were short and staccato, in an attempt to keep from coughing. She looked like hell._

_"Thought I'd drop by, hadn't heard from you in three days. How are you feeling?"_

_"I've been better," she laughed but was interrupted by a fit of coughing. She was struggling to catch her breath, despite the fact that her chest and her lungs felt like they were on fire._

_"Liv," He reached his hand out for support, "You look terrible. Have you been to the doctors?"_

_She shook her head no, slowly regaining control over her breathing. Her eyes were full of pain, and she was trying her best to hide the fact that she felt worse off than she was letting on._

_"Let's go," He said as he held out her coat, "put this on and your shoes, we're going to get you checked out."_

_She didn't even bother buttoning her coat, and she barely got her shoes on without breaking into a fit of coughs. It was a struggle trying to control her breathing, she felt like the world was closing in on her. The car ride to the hospital was long and torturous. Her lungs were on fire, and no matter how much air seemed to fill them, it still wasn't enough to feel decent._

_The waiting room was slow, and everyone seemed to get helped before her. She had closed her eyes for some period of time, in an attempt to try to escape from the pain she was in. She had felt some discomfort in her shoulder, to the point where she had started to grit her teeth. She had placed her right hand over her shoulder, trying to massage it out. Her breathing had shortened even more, it felt like she was gasping for air, desperate to breath._

_The doctors had quickly come to her aid, whisking her away to an exam room. She had been knocked out, she doesn't even remember. When she wakes up, she's in excruciating pain. When she lifts up her arm, she feels her skin pull at a small plastic tubing that snakes out from between her ribs. It's thick, bendable plastic, about an inch in circumference. There's a oxygen mask on her face, with green elastic bands rubbing against her cheeks. When she turns her head to the side, a few tears escape her eyes. She's never been so uncomfortable in her life, and she doesn't even remember what happened. When she tries to call out for him, her voice sounds so weak and drenched with exhaustion. But, somehow, he appears next to her bed. "Hey, it's okay. You're going to be fine."_

_Her brown eyes are red, and full of fear. He knows that she's trying to not completely lose it in front of him but he fills her in on lost information, "You're at Mercy. You have pneumonia, and pleurisy. Turns out, your left lung was 60% collapsed which explains why you were having so much trouble breathing." When he sees her looking down at the thick tube sticking out of her side, he tells her, "It's to get the fluid out of your lungs. You might need surgery to correct thinning lung tissue, but the doctors aren't sure."_

_The majority of her hair is falling out of the once messy bun, it falls over her shoulder and face. She feels fluid building up and she knows she has to cough to release the phlegm. She sputters at first, and then coughs forcefully three times. Her eyes are tightly squeezed shut, a few tears escaping the corners. It's excruciating, and when she finally leans back on the bed, she whimpers, "M'm s-sorry."_

_His heart aches for his partner. He knows she's in an incredible amount of pain and that she's confused. "Let me get a nurse, she can get you something for the pain."_

_She shakes her head, "M'm f-f-i-n"_

_"I appreciate the enthusiasm, but you're not." He smiles gently at her frail frame laying in the hospital bed. A nurse had come walking into the room to check on vitals but also noticing that she was awake. "I'm going to give you a sedative, it should help you with your overall pain. It should make you a lot more comfortable in a few minutes."_

_She nodded, trying her best to accept help. When she was first admitted, an intern tried to get blood from a vein on the inside of her left arm. It was a mistake, and her vein blew. She knew immediately that something was wrong when the intern's face went white and her arm was burning about as bad as her lungs were. The bruising was instant, it looked like a purple marker had bled up and down her inner arm. She feels the nurse adjusting the IV in her arm, the needle was pressed against the wall of her vein. She inhaled slightly, holding her breath as she felt the nurse wiggling the needle around. It was a quick fix, and as fast as the nurse had come in, she was gone again._

_Her eyes were heavy, and when she tried to talk, her words were slurred. "I n-nee t-t ta-lk t-to y-you"_

_He felt terrible for her, she was truly a mess. It was just one thing after the other, the doctors kept finding new ways to torture her and without the sedative, she'd just be a puddle of tears. He nodded, letting her know that he heard what she was saying, "We can talk after you wake up, I promise."_

_She shook her head, trying to fight the exhaustion that was seeping into her veins. "So-s-sorry, f-for e-v-v-ery-th-thi-ing."_

He remembered that they never did talk once she woke up, he just summed it up to be the sedative that made her forget. Even years after, he still wondered what she was going to say to him before she succumbed to the exhaustion. He had thought about asking her, but the thought was most likely long gone; it wasn't important anyways.

From the second he had met her, he knew that she was going to be extraordinary. He knew that he was never going to work with another partner that cared more than she did. It was astounding to see her on the job, he had seen nothing like it in all his years on the force. When it came to perps, his anger was directed outwards. He was scary to be around in the interrogation room, and he knew that. He felt that by intimidating perps, it gave him a chance to weasel himself into their heads. With her, she could play the perps game, even better than they could. She found their weaknesses, their insecurities and jumped on them immediately. If it took seven hours for her to break them, she would find a way, even in the most impossible of cases that came through the doors.

He was never the one to talk to victims, he knew it was part of the job but he couldn't relate to them the way that she could. Although she hadn't been in their shoes, she could always empower a victim. She always gave them her card, telling them to call her day or night if they needed anything. And unlike other detectives, she would pick up, regardless of the hour. She would show up at apartments and houses, bars and clubs, just to give the victim a piece of mind. She truly cared, about every single person that walked through the doors of the precinct and would see to it that justice was served.

He had found out she was a product of rape during a stakeout. They had been talking about why they became cops. He had joined the force after a stint in the marines, and with a decent pay close to home, he couldn't pass it up. His family was quickly growing and as terrible as he felt about not being with his brothers in uniform, he was still protecting the peace. He had been asked by Cragen to consider Special Victims after he saw his impressive record. Although he had never admitted it, he really just wanted to do his mother proud. His abusive father had torn him down time after time, but most of all, his father had demolished his mother's free spirit. He heard all of the fights, and saw how scared his mother was in the aftermath. He wanted to put people like his father away, to protect families. When the question was turned back on her, she hesitated. She quietly danced around something that had bothered her for years. She had originally told him that she took a class in college and decided that she would enjoy pursuing a career on the force. When she fell quiet, that's when he knew that it was a lie just to save herself the trouble of displaying all of her skeletons.

She was so composed when she threw her secret out into the open. She stated it very matter of fact, which shocked him. It was a short story, and when he heard Munch unknowingly joke about her father in the squad room later that day, he was livid. He was sure that she had rehearsed it in her head a thousand times, just to make sure that she could talk about it without getting emotional. She didn't shed a tear, nor did she falter at any point during the story. She had never talked about herself much, and he realized that it must have been huge for her to share her mother's story. She was quiet the rest of the day in the squad room, excusing herself to go to the bathroom or the cribs upstairs every now and again. At the end of the day, when he was gathering his things from his locker, he had heard what sounded like crying coming from within the cribs. Instead of leaving right away, he went back down to his desk to finish up a few papers from a case they were about to close. He saw her coming down the stairs, scanning the squad room to make sure that no one was going to corner her about why she had been gone so long. Her eyes were red, and she was sniffling in an attempt to hold it together long enough to walk out the door for the night. He had asked if she was okay, and in true fashion, she insisted she was fine.

She had always been one to keep things close to the vest, it was just how she operated. Keeping her pride intact was of the utmost importance to her, and she hated when she felt so vulnerable. He could always see right through the facade. She was never one to let on to how she was truly feeling. She hated letting other people see her cry, it was a sign of weakness. If she was sick, she'd push the envelope until Cragen forced her to go home. She never took days off, she lived for Special Victims Unit, but then again, it was all she'd ever known.

There were so many good times, and he loved when things were going well for her. It wasn't all bad, there were births of children; five of his and her with Kat. He remembered how she became instantly happier the moment she met her daughter, and how she realized that she had something more to live for than just herself. The way she smiled was incredible when Kat reached a milestone or said "Mama" for the first time. He also recalled the times where she ran on no sleep because Kat had been up all night with the stomach bug. She would come into the squad room looking exhausted, but with her, Kat was above all else. She was fiercely protective of her daughter, and when it came down to it, you didn't want to get in her way. With all the good days, the bad had to start somewhere, and when he really thought about it, the bad would somehow gravitate more towards her than it did with him. She had been stabbed twice in the stomach, after tackling a perp. Nothing was damaged internally, but she did end up with two wicked scars. She had broken almost all of her ribs at one point or another, and the pain did a number on her body. He could recall the bandages that were tightly wrapped around her abdomen to keep her ribs in place and how she would always move a little slower with each injury. There were the black eyes and bruises that lined her body from going head to head with perps. The right hooks to the face during a fight to get a perp to the ground or an elbow to the shoulder. The trips and falls as she ran down seven city blocks to chase down a suspect were always killer. When she would finally reappear with the suspect cuffed, her knees would be dripping with blood.

And then there were the injuries that he wasn't there for, the kidnapping and the brutal assault that soon followed. He had only seen a glimpse of her at her apartment the other day, and he had heard minor details from Fin, but he was very much kept in the dark. He couldn't have imagined how hellish it was for her to endure, and the fact that she came out on top was no surprise to him. That was who she was, a fighter, through and through.

It was then, that he remembered the text he had received. His eyes had scanned the message about a dozen times to fully convince himself that she had agreed to his request. It wasn't what he was expecting, if anything, he was expecting a "go to hell" or no response at all. When he had started to type, the words came natural to him: _"I'd love to have the chance to sit down and really talk, about everything. Whatever you decide, you're in control, Liv."_

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**As always, I'd LOVE it if you'd left a review. They always make my day! :)**


	44. Chapter 44

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: Student teaching is still awesome! I'm teaching about 3 lessons a day right now, and soon enough, I'll be teaching the whole day! My students are VERY funny and I laugh everyday. "I hope you get over it real quick." - is a personal favorite that I overheard a student tell another in my class, I had a good laugh over that one!**

**#2: LOVE my first graders, DO NOT love their germs. I had a cold 2 weeks ago, then had a week of normalcy and now I have strep (at 21). If you've never had strep, consider yourself lucky - you don't want it!**

**#3: I haven't written in a long time, I do apologize for that. There just aren't enough hours in the day to teach, lesson plan, have time to myself and write! Anyways, I whipped this up so I hope y'all like it.**

**#4: I'm on Twitter, if you want to hear more first grade sayings/student teaching adventures: fearLIZness17**

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The texts exchanged had been few and far between since she had agreed to meet him in the days prior. He knew that looking at her phone wasn't even on her priority list, she had other pressing issues to deal with. He didn't push the envelope, he didn't want to risk the possibility of her changing her mind. She was in charge and when she decided on a Wednesday to have him come over, he happily accepted.

He had been a nervous-wreck all morning, thousands of thoughts were flying through his mind. He was having trouble figuring out what he was going to say to make sure he didn't screw up. He couldn't afford to screw up anymore at this point, this was really his last chance to make amends. On the way to her apartment, he had stopped at the flower shop down the street from the hotel where he was staying. He used to be a frequent flyer in the shop, always buying flowers for Kathy. The owner was an older Italian woman, who somehow always knew that something had gone awry at the Stabler house. She had taken a liking to him, and would always help him pick out the prettiest bunch. This time, she recognized him immediately. He didn't have time to make small-talk, but truthfully, he didn't really know if the words would come out of his mouth in the right order. Just like old times, the woman helped him pick out a bouquet of lilies. Instead of asking him to pay, the woman had said, "Whoever she is, make it right."

The drive to her apartment was short, and he found himself standing in front of her door. He was trying to give himself a mental pep-talk, hoping that this meeting would go over better than the last. He didn't want her to feel like he was forcing her to meet, that was the opposite of what he wanted. He knocked gently, and he heard footsteps coming closer to the door. Based on the last time he was here, he knew that she probably wasn't walking and that he would be face to face with Kat in a few short seconds. The door clicked open to which Kat said, "Well, aren't you right on time."

"I tried my best," he gently replied, hoping that another fight wasn't on it's way.

She motioned for him to come in and whispered as he was taking his coat off, "This is for her, I don't want your pity or sympathy. She wants this, and I'll support her." She paused, almost hesitating, before continuing, "Just remember, she's not the same person. A lot happened to her, and I'd really hate to see her get her hopes up if you're not fully invested."

He nodded, the pressure was high and the expectations were exceptionally clear. "I got these for her," he held up the lilies he had bought earlier that morning. "Do you have something I could put them in?"

"Why don't you give them to her yourself?" Kat quietly said as she led him into the living room. "She's in her room, I'll go get her. Stay here."

"He was left standing in the living room, as Kat wandered into the back bedroom. He heard some mumbling between the two women and a little bit of shuffling around. She was leaning on Kat and he could tell she was doing her best to walk on her own accord. He knew that she was trying to prove she was better off than she was, it was how she worked. The bruises on her face were still prominent, a deep shade of purple. The lacerations on her cheek still had their stitches, as did the ones on her chest and presumably her arms. She was still limping, her ankle wasn't healed. Just looking at the way she was moving gave away that her ribs were still giving her a hard time. She was wearing yoga pants and a blue sweatshirt where the rest of her injuries were most likely hiding under. Her hair was in a messy bun, half of it falling out. He watched as Kat walked her over to the couch, gently helping her sit and getting her comfortable.

He stood in the same place that Kat had left him, her voice breaking him out of the silence. "You don't have to stand there looking like a deer in a headlights, you know."

"Hi," he gave a small smile to Olivia, "I picked these up for you on the way over, I know lilies are your favorite."

She nodded, "Thanks, we'll put them in a vase later on." She looked over at Kat, and gave a small nod. She was trying her best to be okay with everything and she knew her daughter had plans with Amanda. Kat was putting on her coat, she felt bad about leaving her mother but she knew that this meeting was between Elliot and Olivia. There was a lot that was going to be exchanged between the two, and it wasn't a place for a teenager who didn't know half of it.

"It's okay," Olivia quietly told her daughter as she hesitated. "I'll be alright, you can go."

The teenager nodded, before grabbing her purse. Just before she shut the door, she told her mother, "Call me if you want me to come back, I mean it."

With her daughter now gone, Olivia turned her attention to the man standing awkwardly in front of her. She looked him up and down, he was just as tall as she remembered. His hands were worn, and she could see the way he was clenching them in his pockets. His blue eyes were just as piercing as the last time she saw them. This time, they were full of worry and fear of the unknown. "Come sit," she said as she motioned to the chair sitting beside the couch.

Sitting, he finally felt like she was allowing him into her space. Despite everything, she invited him to her house and was willing to hear him out. It scared him, he knew she had expectations and a standard that he had to uphold. "How are you?" She gently asked, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"Good, it's really nice to see you again." He fiddled with his hands in his lap as he spoke again, "Thanks for giving me the chance to come over, I really appreciate it."

She hated how awkward this was, she hated the fact that so much time had passed since they had really talked to one another. She hated how she felt like she barely knew the man sitting beside her. She hated how composed she was, and she hated how composed he was trying to be. The old Olivia and Elliot would have already gone at it but now, she didn't even recognize who either of them were anymore. She was silent, and she hated how she didn't know what to say to him. After all the years, all of the rehearsed speeches in her head, nothing quite felt right for what it would feel like to actually be sitting beside him.

He knew she was internalizing, he could see it in her blank stare. It was a look that he knew well, it was a look she gave off when she was at a loss for words. There was so much to say, and he hated the fact that neither of them knew how to say the things they wanted to. "It's okay, Liv." He paused as he looked at her, "Go ahead, you can say whatever it is you want to. It's alright."

She missed the way that he said her name, but she couldn't deny the fact that this time, it angered her. She would have given anything to hear that voice in the beach house or at the hospital when she woke up, not now, when he showed up out of nowhere. She was calm, and her words came out softly, "Please don't call me that."

He quickly apologized, "I just thought – you know what, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to be mad, at anything you're going to say. It's okay, I deserve everything coming at me."

"Why now?" She spoke, "After all this time, why now?"

"Fin, he called me which I'm sure you now know about. It was a call I wasn't expecting to get. He mentioned something about you, and he told me it'd be better if he told me in person. I couldn't just hang up the phone and not listen to what he had to say. We spent 12 years as partners, and with news like that I had to come out here. I got on the plane, and the whole time, I was thinking about what it would feel like to have someone tell me that you were dead." He paused, collecting his thoughts, "And when I got to the squad room, that's when he told me what happened to you."

Her voice was abnormally calm, he honestly didn't know how she was doing it. "You came out because Fin told you he had bad news, but you couldn't pick up the phone any of the times I called you in the years before?" She took a sip of the water bottle sitting next to her, "Did you even listen to any of the voice-mails I left?"

"After Jenna, I fell hard and I fell fast. I couldn't get the image of her out of my head, she was the same age as Kathleen. It felt like I killed one of my own kids, and I couldn't deal with the thought of that. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw your face and heard Jenna's screams." He rubbed his hand up and down the back of his neck as he continued talking, "When I left the squad room after getting interrogated, I walked into my house and packed a suitcase. By that time, my marriage was a step away from divorce papers. I started walking, until I ended up at the bus station. I went to Boston, and drank. I was angry, at myself and the way things happened. I wanted to forget, and I drank a lot more than I ever should. I turned into my father, something that I tried so hard to avoid. I lashed out at anyone and everyone, I wasn't even close to the person that you knew." He sighed, remembering who he used to be. It hurt him that he went so far down a rabbit hole after he left. "I saw your name on my phone time and time again, the texts and the voice-mails. I never picked up, and I never picked up because you didn't deserve to get caught up in the middle of everything. When I turned my papers in, I couldn't even look Cragen in the eye. He had asked if I was planning on telling you, and I thought that if I couldn't even face my Captain, I couldn't even face you. I knew that you were going to try to convince me to come back, and I didn't want that. I put my life into SVU, and it spit me out a disaster. My life was a mess, a complete and utter mess."

"A little notice would have been nice," she simply stated.

"And I wish I would have had it in me to tell you, you deserved better than what you got. I'm sorry, and I know it doesn't mean anything coming from me now. But you have to know that it tore me up completely. I didn't have anyone, Kathy stopped speaking to me and the kids didn't want to associate with their drunk of a father. I had a suitcase of clothes, a bottle of whiskey and a gun. I almost ended it all, I just couldn't deal with everything. I got my life back on track, I have a job and I'm sober. My kids actually call, and come visit on occasion. It's not perfect, but it's better than where I was."

"You tried to die?" Her voice shook slightly, hoping that he didn't take notice. "You tried to eat your gun?"

He nodded sadly, "I'm not proud of it, I regret it actually. And I'm sorry, so sorry that you had to hear it this way. I should have called you, I should have let you in. I know that sorry just isn't enough, especially with you. I deeply regret it, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

"It's been years, and in all those years since you left, I thought that it was me that messed up." She tucked a piece of fallen hair behind her ear and softly admitted, "I thought I was the reason you left."

"I can promise you that you weren't, you had nothing to do with my decision to leave. You didn't deserve to know the person I became. I became a monster, someone who was angry at the world for the hand he was dealt. I didn't call you because I was scared. I was so scared of what you would say to me, or what I would say to you. I mean, what could you possibly say to someone after you walked right out of their lives?"

"Do you know what it feels like to be left behind? I mean, really left behind?" She didn't even wait for his response before she continued. Her voice was soft, and composed despite the heavy subject matter, "It hurts, it's like a piece of you that gets ripped out of your body. There's a gaping hole and no matter how hard you try, it won't get fixed. The Uni's in the squad room stare at you, they whisper as you walk by them and they pretend that you can't hear what's being said. Your Captain, asks you if you need to take a day and you refuse because you use work as a distraction for the problems going on in your life. Your friends look at you like you're about to break, and treat you like a child. They look at you with puppy dog eyes from their desks and aren't fully convinced when you say you're fine. Your daughter, who has never seen her mother cry, finds her sobbing in bed. She thinks that someone died, and even though it feels like that way, you can't seem to quite explain why it hurts as badly as it does. People look at you differently after you've been left, like you're some kind of sideshow act. And then, you suddenly feel nothing. You become numb, and everyone wonders how you're still standing. It all comes back to the gaping hole, Elliot. Nobody wants one, and nobody wants to be left behind."

He nodded, as she vented her frustrations. He knew it was good for her, and he wasn't going to stop her. He just had to make sure that he didn't make her angry or cause this conversation to be cut short. "I know, and I'm sorry. I think I'll be sorry for the rest of my life, to be honest with you."

"I've heard the word sorry way too many times lately," she steadily spoke, "and I know you mean well. But please, find another word." The piece of hair she had tucked behind her ear had fallen back in front of her face. She brushed it to the side as she took another sip of her water, collecting her thoughts. "I didn't ask to be left behind. But the world spins on the principle of inherent tragedy. Everywhere I went, it was your face that I would look for in the crowd. It was your face that I thought I saw when I was on the subway. It was you that I heard in my head when I was interrogating a suspect, you were everywhere. And then, you disappeared. I stopped seeing you, and I moved on. People stopped asking me how I was doing and they stopped gossiping. They stopped caring, and to a point, I did too. I knew you weren't going to come back, and I knew you weren't going to return any of the voice-mails I left you. I realized that the world doesn't owe you a damn thing, and I gave up."

"I've looked back at that day a thousand different times. I tried to pick out the point in time where it all went wrong, and the moment along the way where I thought that it might be the last time I would be your partner. I searched and I constantly thought about it, but I never found the answer. I never wanted you to get hurt, that wasn't my intent at all." He was wringing his hands in his lap again, he was completely sincere with his words but he couldn't hide the fact that he was so nervous. He had never openly admitted any of this, "I think knowing that I hurt you was what sent me over the edge. We spent 12 years together. That's 12 years of stakeouts, putting away perps and helping victims. You know me better than Kathy ever did, and I'd like to think I knew you better than you knew yourself at certain points. We both had kids, we saw each other's highs and lows. We even promised each other a kidney if it came down to that. I was the one, after 12 years, to throw it all away. That's on me, and I wish I could take it all back."

She sighed, feeling a small pinch on her ribs. She gently slid her good hand and rested it on her side, "And then there was Kat. How do you explain to your daughter that the only decent guy she's ever known disappeared? She loved you, deeply. You treated her like she was your own daughter, and I admired that. You didn't have to do that, but I know you made a promise to her in the hospital when she was born. You were there for her, and truly stepped in as that father figure for her. I admired that, and the fact that you did it for 12 years. When you left, she was devastated. She cried, and cried. She thought it was her fault, and was completely guilt-ridden. She tried to fill that void, and ended up in an abusive relationship with a boy from her school. She was willing to get beat on to try to make up for you leaving. She tried to close herself off from the rest of the world, she shut down." She took another sip of her water, and continued on, "She stopped hanging out with your kids, it was too painful for her to not have you there. Her grades started to slip, and she became distant. She would come home from school and lock herself away in her room. She would barely talk, and when she would, it was like pulling teeth."

"When I came here, the other day. You were asleep, and she was the one to answer the door. She took me up to the roof, because she felt like the apartment wasn't a place where she could really talk." He looked at Olivia, who looked so deeply hurt but was trying her best not to show it. He understood how bad he had messed up and he would do anything to make it right, "She was angry, and she had every right to be. I don't blame her for what she said, I deserved to hear it. She did most of the talking, well, yelling but she was right. She was mad that I left, and she was mad that I came back. I get it, I really do. I messed up, and I hurt more people than I intended to."

"She was mad you came back, because she tried her best to forget you. She tried to erase you from her memory because it would hurt less than facing the fact that you were really gone. She did the best she could and right now, she's doing the best she can. She's only seventeen, Elliot. She has the weight of the world on her shoulders."

He nodded, knowing that he had to make things right with the teenager. "I'll talk to her, I'll make it right." Things fell silent, and she was still sitting on the couch. Her muscles were starting to tighten up, making the couch slightly uncomfortable. She moved slightly, in an attempt to adjust herself but her face twisted slightly as a sharp pain twinged in her ribs. "You okay?" He gently questioned as he saw the look of pain on her face.

"M'fine." She said, trying to lessen the questioning about how she was. She was always in pain, she just adjusted to it and tried to ignore it as best she could. She caught him staring at her bruises and lacerations when the conversation lulled. She knew he was curious and trying not to catastrophize in his head about what Lewis had done to her. "I can see you staring at me, you know."

"Sorry – I mean, I apologize. I didn't mean to."

She nodded, appreciating the fact that he immediately recognized he said sorry for the hundredth time. She could tell that he was trying, as best he could. "You already know what happened to me, Fin told you already."

"It doesn't mean anything coming from him," he gently pressed, "I want to hear it from you."

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**I'd really love it if you left a review, they make my day! :)**


	45. Chapter 45

**Since I last updated:**

**#1: Student teaching is awesome, and I definitely find myself saying things I never thought would come out of my mouth. I caught one girl trying to color her hair with a turquoise marker and then another little girl was doing yoga on the carpet. First grade really keeps you on your toes!**

**#2: I no longer have strep! Fingers crossed that I don't get sick anymore during student teaching.**

**#3: Disclaimer: Two updates in less than a week will never happen again, so consider yourselves #blessed.**

**#4: I'm on Twitter, if you'd like to hear more first grade stories or my love for SVU/Mariska, you can find me at - fearLIZness17**

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She could feel his eyes trying to make eye contact with her despite the fact she was desperately trying to avoid it. She didn't want to relive her ordeal, she didn't want the added stress and she most certainly didn't want to feel Lewis all over her as she retold every detail. It hurt her to know that she was left in the dark in the plan that Fin and Elliot had made. When she thought about it, she wasn't even sure she would have been fully invested. It was probably better that she was kept in the dark anyways. Lately, she felt like she was always in the dark.

She had never been one to pour her heart out to others. In fact, she almost always kept things close to the vest. If she wanted something to be known, she would find the right time and place for it. When she didn't, she dug her heels into the ground and wouldn't budge. She internalized, everything. She was never one to openly share what she was truly feeling. Now, with the whole country knowing her story, it frightened her to realize how her life had been laid out for all to see. "We picked him up in the park, Rollins did."

"Public indecency, right?"

Nodding, she clearly spoke despite feeling like she was going to shatter inside, "When we brought him back to the station, we couldn't identify him because his fingerprints were burned off. He said it was from a work accident. We couldn't hold him and when we let him go, he held an elderly woman hostage at gunpoint all night. We didn't find her until the next morning," she paused and remembered the way they found Alice Parker, "he was already gone."

"I heard she had died shortly after she got back home from the hospital, what a shame."

"We brought him back to the precinct to interrogate him, and I went at him. Hard. He said some things, in the heat of the moment. Looking back, it was a sign that he had been plotting for me." She sadly recalled, truly realizing that she had been a target from the beginning. Her gaze had become distant, and she was beginning to detach herself from the situation. "Everything he said about Alice Parker was couched in a hypothetical. He lawyered up shortly after."

He saw the way her eyes had changed, it was subtle and it took him a few seconds to realize what she was doing. "What things did he say to you?"

She shrugged, and she put her good hand up to adjust the sweatshirt she was wearing. She wanted to avoid the question completely and put on a front that he knew all too well, "Doesn't matter now, none of it does."

"It does," he gently pressed, "to you, and to me. Someone, will walk up to you on the street someday and will tell you that you were the reason they survived. That they remembered what you went through and that they found a will to live, because of you."

She didn't want to think of what other people would say to her. She didn't want to think of the day that she would be able to walk around by herself. She didn't want to think of the day that she wouldn't be in pain because she didn't think any of the days would come where she wouldn't be living a nightmare. She didn't want to continue, but something inside of her felt like she owed him an explanation. "He went to trial, and his lawyer fought so hard against Melinda that the jury didn't know what to believe. Judge declared a mistrial, and Cragen sent me home on mandatory leave."

"Why mandatory leave? You didn't do anything wrong."

"He found out I was barely at home throughout the trial, and told me if I showed up to work, he'd arrest me himself." She quietly explained, "I didn't fight him, it just wasn't worth the time or effort."

"And you went home?"

She shook her head, "I avoided it, for as long as I could. I found every excuse to stop at stores or the bodega to get groceries. I was upset, that all the evidence against him didn't hold up in court. I was mad that it was ruled a mistrial, and I felt like the jury hadn't even bothered to look deeper into what had happened. It was a terrible situation, and he ended up walking because of it."

He knew the next question he was going to ask would cause her to relive the initial attack but he felt like he had to press the issue to get her to keep talking, "And when you got home, what happened?"

"I heard a noise, I thought it was Kat but when I called out to her, there was no answer." Her voice was still calm and hadn't once faltered throughout but she was crumbling inside, "When I turned the corner, he was pointing a gun at me."

_"Welcome home Detective Benson"_ had echoed in her head, his voice loud and clear. It sent a chill up her spine to remember that night, when she truly realized she was in trouble. "I froze, and he jumped on the opportunity. He pushed me around and beat on me, I fought but it just wasn't enough. He drugged me shortly after, and forced me to drink some brand of cheap vodka." She could feel the burn of the alcohol in her throat as she swallowed, a haunting memory of how helpless he made her. She remembered the gun pressed against her temple as his beady eyes bore into her own and she remembered how it felt to realize that she may never see the people she loved again. "I don't really remember much in the apartment."

"Where was Kat?"

"At a friends," she sighed. "They had been working on a project for a few days and they were just finishing it up. She called me, when he was with me." She remembered the shrill sound of her cell phone, and how relieved she felt that she was going to get some kind of a reprieve from the situation she was facing. "I thought she was going to call to say that she was coming home, or that someone was going to come check on me. But I was wrong, so incredibly wrong."

He could tell she was uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. He knew it was only a matter of time where she lost it or shut down completely. With Olivia, she would either welcome comfort or fight like hell against it. "Kat didn't come home, did she?"

She shook her head sadly, "That's when he took advantage of the situation. He knew I was helpless, and he made every effort to let me know that. He replayed her voicemail over and over again, in an attempt to make me realize that I was completely and utterly alone in the world. He wanted to make me understand that no one noticed that I was gone, that I wasn't even a passing thought in anyone's head. He searched the apartment up and down, looking for any sign of other people that lived with me. He had me tied up to a kitchen chair, I was completely immobile." She could remember the searing pain when the metal key hit her skin or when the red-hot coat hanger burned through 3 layers of skin like it was nothing. She remembered the sizzle of the cigarette butt when it fizzled out when he pressed it against her chest. She remembered the deep ache in her ribs, and how she could feel the blood pooling underneath her skin from where he had hit her. "I tried to reason with him, to try to get him to let me go. He didn't want any part of it, and I paid the price for it. He made me finish off the bottle of vodka and forced some pills into my mouth, and when I woke up, I was laying in the bottom of a car."

He knew she avoided talking about the ordeal with the Mayer's, Fin had told him all of the details on that one. He knew how horrifying it must have been for her to sit and watch the torture Lewis was inflicting on his lawyer's parents. She didn't bring it up for a reason, and he wasn't going to force her to talk about something she was trying so hard to forget. "Where was he taking you?"

"I don't know," she shrugged her shoulders, "he kept me in the dark. I guess he had stopped at a hardware store while I was still passed out, he threw a tarp over me and drove aimlessly for hours. He was speeding and when the pills started to wear off, every little bump was agonizing. My mouth was so dry, and it took so much effort to swallow. He had put duck tape over my mouth, and breathing took so much out of me. The road was long and winding. With all of the alcohol in my system, I was nauseous and dizzy. A few times, I thought I was going to vomit but I knew if I did, the duck tape over my mouth would be my death sentence." She solemnly remembered how torturous the drive had been and how terrible she felt with her injuries. "He had the radio on, and he was singing along to some song that I had never heard of. I think he was just trying to drown out the sound of my pain. A rookie cop pulled him over, said Lewis ran through a red blinking light a ways back." She could remember the sound of the cops voice, he was so innocent compared to who he was talking to. She heard Lewis rustling around trying to put on a show, she heard the lone gunshot, and complete silence. The memories of each day spent with Lewis were haunting her as she retold the story, and deep down, she didn't know how much longer she could endure this, "I thought I was going to be saved, in that moment, I thought that this cop was my way out of a nightmare. He asked for a license and registration, I closed my eyes and knew that once this cop saw who Lewis was, I'd be out of harms way. But when Lewis saw the cop looking around with his flashlight and asking questions, that's when he got angry and retaliated. That's when the gun went off, and all Lewis did was laugh."

He didn't interject and he never broke eye contact with the woman he was sitting beside. Elliot knew there was a lot more to the car incident with the rookie cop and he figured it would be better if he just let her talk. "Who laughs at killing a cop?" She asked no one in particular, she was just trying to make sense of the situation. "He mocked me, the rest of the drive. How he was going to kill every person that came between him and I. He got off on my pain, every single injury that he caused filled him with delight. He wasn't happy until I was beaten to a pulp, and he wasn't satisfied until he had replaced every inch of my skin with some kind of bruise, burn or laceration. There was this look in his eyes, of pure joy whenever I cried out. He didn't care about the fact that his face was plastered all over the news, he wanted to break me by any means necessary."

"Where did he end up taking you?"

"Some abandoned beach house," she softly replied, her voice getting quieter and quieter with each reply. "When he pulled me out of the car, everything was spinning. I was probably drunk, but also severely dehydrated. All of my injuries were exacerbated by the rough walk into the house. He found some back bedroom, and he threw me on the bed." She could hear his voice, _This is pretty perfect._ She could hear the squeaking of the old iron frame bed and she could remember how uncomfortable she felt. "With all of the vodka, I had to use the bathroom. He made it a game, and he watched me struggle in an attempt to get up off the bed by myself. The whole time, he was smiling as he watched me wriggling around and crying out. When he finally pulled me up, it was incredibly rough. He pointed the gun to my head, and held it there as he pushed me towards the bathroom. He was unpredictable, and I didn't know if he was going to kill me right then and there."

"And what happened after that?"

Her eyes had begun to fill with unshed tears, and she did her best to try to keep them from falling. She tried to compose herself as best she could, despite the fact that she was truly at her breaking point. She took a few sips of her water, she tried to collect her thoughts before continuing, "He ditched the car, he was gone for a while. I don't really remember what happened, I was in and out at that point." She knew that she was lying to Elliot, she didn't want to divulge one of the darkest moments of her life. She didn't want him to know that Lewis had stripped her of her clothes, only to hold her down as he climbed on top of her. She didn't want Elliot to know that Lewis had mocked her, how he had poked and prodded about her love life. She didn't want him to know that Lewis had blindfolded her, and had held a gun to her head throughout. She didn't want him to know that no matter how hard she fought, 'no' just wasn't enough. She didn't want him to see her as weak, and she didn't want him to look at her differently than he was right now.

"Did he say anything to you when he came back?"

"He asked if I missed him." She softly replied, the memory clear in her mind. "When I didn't give him the answer he wanted, he came at me with the gun. I tried to reason with him and tried to make him believe that he didn't have to kill me." She remembered the cold metal of the gun resting against her cheek and how his breath hit her ear when he spoke. She remembered fighting for her life, and trying to apply what she learned in the academy to a real life situation. "I tried to get him to realize that I knew more about his priors than anyone else. I tried to make it sound like I was better than any of his other victims and how he wanted to keep me around. I brought up Kentucky, and Alabama. I told him I knew about the cabin, and how he instead of one girl, he had two. He thought I was playing him, and when he thought that I was trying to tell him what to do, he lost it." She remembered crying when he pressed the gun into her mouth and how she saw her life flash before her eyes. She thought about her daughter and how she would have never got the chance to say goodbye if Lewis had killed her in that moment. "I had to beg for my life. I had to physically plead to live." The strands of hair falling out of her messy bun were covering parts of her face. She was lucky because they were hiding the tears that were welling up in her eyes once again. She didn't want to cry in front of Elliot, she didn't want to deal with that emotional rollercoaster, she already had enough going on as it was. Her voice slightly cracked as she spoke, "It was terrible, begging like that."

"You did what you had to do," he softly replied, "there's no shame in that. If it was anyone else, they would have done the same thing. You didn't want to die, and if asking for your life caused you to live, then so be it."

"If he would have shot me, no one would have even noticed until god knows when. Could you imagine that?" She increduously asked, "I would have been laying in that house, handcuffed to that bed for days while blood flowed out of my body. He would have been able to walk out of that house and act like nothing had happened, and that I never existed. Isn't that terrible?"

He nodded, and from what he had heard about Lewis, he knew that the sadist would have had no issue murdering Olivia in cold blood. With the beach house in such a remote place, he knew that Olivia wouldn't have been found as easily if Lewis had killed her in the city. He could picture the scene playing out in his head, and it was one that he wished wasn't. It was hard enough picturing Olivia the way she was, but adding a hypothetical death was even worse. "It is, and it's not easy to think about the fact that he could have pulled the trigger so easily in that moment. He was on his own schedule, Olivia. He wasn't trying to avoid the police, he was simply doing what he had always done with his victims. He took his time with you, because of everything that you had to lose."

"When he was walking the beach, I had maneuvered one of the iron rods out of its socket. It wasn't easy and I was so nervous that he was going to come back just as I was struggling to get it out." She twisted her wrist with her good hand, remembering how the handcuffs were digging into her skin. She still had the lacerations encompassing her wrists, and the bruises only added to her pain. She remembered how painful it was to wiggle around and stretch her body to break the iron rod free from the bed frame. Her ribs were screaming by the time she had finished and looking back on it, her ribs were just as painful now. "When he came back, I jumped on the opportunity."

Fin had given him most of the details about how she had subdued Lewis. She put up a hell of a fight, but what she did to him, made her look infinitely better as far as injuries went. Fin had let him look at the pictures of Lewis after Olivia was done with him. It took him a minute to realize that Olivia had come out on top. He had never doubted his former partner, he had never seen this type of anger displayed outwardly. "How did you get out of the beach house?"

"I found his cellphone." She responded, very matter of factly. She didn't want to tell him that the first person that had popped into her head to call was him. She didn't want to tell him that muscle memory had almost dialed his number first. She didn't want him to know that he was at the forefront of her mind that day. "I called Nick, and I must have passed out. I don't really know. When I woke up, I kept hearing my name over and over again. It was such a relief to realize that it was over, that I was going to a hospital and he was going to prison." Her water was gone, and she could no longer use it as a distraction to keep her from crying. She wasn't close to tears, but she knew where the conversation was going to end up and she didn't want any part of it. "I don't know how I did it, but I managed to walk out of the apartment on my own two feet. Everything in the ambulance is a blur, I think that's when the shock of everything started to sink in and the pain intensified. I don't really remember much."

He knew that she was trying to cover up a lot of the smaller details and he knew they were going to come out in due time. Elliot knew that these details would most likely send her over the edge. He knew that tears would be shed, and a deep pain would be laid out on the table. "Olivia, what happened at the hospital?"

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**I'd really love it if you left a review, they're very motivating! :)**


	46. Chapter 46

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: Student teaching is still going great! I'm teaching the full day now, which is both so fun and exhausting! My last day in first grade is March 11th, and then I switch to my special ed placement in an autism support classroom. I met the kiddos the other day, and they're very adorable - I'm excited to start!**

**#2: My brother got a GoPro for Christmas and since he hasn't touched it, guess who gets to keep it now? Thank ya little bro!**

**#3: I'm on Twitter, if you'd like to follow my escapades, have at it - fearLIZness17**

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She was tired, she always was. It wasn't unusual for her to spend her entire day sleeping. The smallest tasks would take so much energy out of her. She didn't want to spend her days in dreamland, she actually wished that her body wasn't so weak so she could spend her time doing something productive. Over the past few days, she hadn't done much talking. She didn't really like the sound of her voice, it didn't have any life to it. It was raspy, and gravelly. Tired, and full of sadness. When she was talking to Elliot, she hoped that her voice didn't sound as dreadful as she had thought. Even if it did, he would never let her know. She had rested her head on the back cushion of the couch and had continued to make eye contact with Elliot. Her insides were twisting at the thought of openly talking about what events had occurred within the hospital walls. "I was in and out, when they brought me in. The lights, were so bright. I kept hearing muffled voices of what I assume were doctors. There were people everywhere, and hands hooking me up to every machine possible. Everyone seemed to be talking about me instead of to me." She sadly remembered, "It was like I wasn't even in the exam room. Only one nurse bothered to actually ask me basic questions to gauge my awareness.

"They treated you, I assume?" Elliot asked, "Your injuries, I mean."

Nodding, she softly replied. "Not right away. I had too much alcohol in my system for them to pump meds into the IV. I zoned out, just trying to focus on anything instead of the pain. The nurse, Meredith, who treated me, she was the only one who saw me as a human being. She stitched me up. It hurt, I mean, I didn't have any meds in my system so you can imagine that one. I was in and out for the next day or so, there's a lot of things I don't remember." She sighed, remembering how her room was like a revolving door of people. Well-wishers, friends, and doctors. Half the time she was so doped up on medication that her eyes never seemed to stay open long enough for a full conversation. "I was asleep most of the time. When one dose of the medication wore off, it was excruciating. It was like I was frozen in my body. I couldn't move, so I'd end up just staring at the ceiling just to try to take my mind off of the pain. It's terrible, living like that."

"It's all part of the process, pain is how you knew you were still alive."

"I didn't ask for it," she protested, "I didn't ask for the IV's, or the stitches. I didn't ask for the bandages, or the medication that made me feel like I was on another planet. I didn't ask for any of it." She looked him square in the eyes, in an attempt to get her point across. "Nobody wants to be poked and prodded, or talked about instead of having something said to them."

"Doctor's underestimate people all the time. They don't give their patients a lot of credit for what they can hear or the things that bother them. It's always been like that, Olivia."

She avoided the explanation he gave, and continued talking in true Olivia Benson fashion. "I pushed Kat away, my own daughter. Every person that came in to visit, asked if she could sit with me. I turned them down, every time." She sighed, remembering how vulnerable she was in that hospital room. How much of a struggle it was to accept help from her closest friends, and how hard it was to let others see her in such a state. "I was a wreck. I would freak out if anyone entertained the thought of letting Kat in to see me. I begged, pleaded if it meant that they would keep her as far away from the hospital as they could." She remembered how torn each visitor was about the fact she refused to see her daughter. She saw their frustrations, and she didn't understand how they didn't just agree with her. "It was only a matter of time, you know, before she took it upon herself to come find me."

He didn't think that Kat would have had it in her to find her mother at a time like that, he was a little bit shocked. "She did?"

"Would you expect anything less from her?" Olivia replied, very matter-of-fact. "She'll do anything if she really puts her mind into it, even if it means wandering a hospital looking for her battered mother."

"She took it hard," Olivia remembered, as she saw Elliot nodding. "she didn't know what to think of me. I didn't even look like a person she knew, let alone her mother. I still don't, even after I got out of the hospital. She cried, a lot." She gently spoke, remembering how tightly her daughter had clung to the hospital gown in fear that her mother would go missing once again. "She clung on to me, for dear life. It hurt, and I didn't have it in me to tell her that she couldn't hug her own mother. I didn't have it in me to tell her to leave, and I certainly didn't tell her that it killed me to have her look at everything he had done to me. I didn't tell her any of it, because as a mother, you suck up your own pain for a fraction of a second just so your daughter can believe that you're going to be okay."

"You could have told her, she's a Benson. She would have understood, Olivia." He gently pressed, "She wouldn't have thought of you any differently."

"No, you don't get to say that." She shook her head, "I did the best I could, with what I had. If I suffered for a little while just so she could see that I wasn't dying, so be it. She wasn't sure she was ever going to see me again. She snuck into my hospital room, and clung to my hospital gown with a death grip. In that moment, it was her turn to fall apart and for me to be the one to comfort her. I had my time to break. She's only just a kid, Elliot. She's not Superwoman."

"And neither are you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She challenged, she wasn't in the mood to argue, especially with him.

"You don't have to pretend you're fine, just to save face with other people." He explained, "Everyone saw what he did to you, they saw you walk out of that beach house. Your friends, they're just looking out for you. Your daughter, just wants to be near you to make sure that you don't suddenly disappear again. You're allowed to not be okay, with any of this. It's expected."

"You think I'm pretending to be fine?" She ruthlessly objected, "You think that I'm hiding away from everyone whose ever loved me? I didn't want to be on National Television, I didn't want the whole world to see me. My face was plastered all over the country next to his. For the rest of my life, I'm going to be associated with that sadistic son of a bitch. Do you honestly think I'm okay with that? Do you think that I'm okay with the fact that everyone sees me as an invalid? Or what about, the fact that my daughter hasn't been to school since I went missing. Oh, yeah. What about the fact that, besides Amanda, my squad hasn't come to the apartment since I came home from the hospital. They're afraid to see me, to see how I'll react to their puppy dog eyes and pity. Do you think I'm okay with the way I look? The fact that I don't recognize who I am, or what about the fact that I still see him everywhere. I haven't slept through the night in God knows how long, because I see him. Do you think I'm okay with the fact that every news station has been camped outside of my apartment since I came home from the hospital? I'm so angry, at a God I'm not sure I even believe in anymore. At a God who would willingly let this happen to me. I'm apparently so sad, that I can't even make it through a single day without crying. I'm in so much pain, that I count down to the next dose of medication. I'm tired, of feeling like everyone's pity project and I'm exhausted, so much so that I spend most of the day sleeping. I'm irritated, at everyone who asks how I am and how they automatically jump to the old 'you've been through so much' speech. So no, Elliot. I'm not okay, with any of this."

There was an immediate silence that permeated through the living room. She was trying to compose herself despite the fact that she had just laid out all of her feelings in the open. She was only defending herself in an attempt to get someone to understand what she was really going through. Everyone pretended to understand, but no one had ever made an effort to truly figure out how she was really feeling. He knew that she wasn't directing her anger towards him, she was just venting her frustrations. He knew that this was hard for her, and he knew that she was fed up with the way her life was at the current moment. He felt awful, but he didn't want her to think he was giving her pity. Neither of them wanted a pity party, it was just how they operated.

His eyes studied her, they studied her body language and how she was sitting. He observed the way she was breathing, it was shallow and small, almost as if she were trying to avoid any pain in her ribs. He saw the way she was holding her bad arm protectively over her middle as if someone was going to charge her. He noticed how her eyes just gazed straight ahead, as if she was trying to detach herself from the situation. When she had made eye contact with him, there was a look of deep hurt in those brown eyes of hers. They were devoid of life, and full of sadness. He had only seen that look once before, right after Sealview. He had questioned her about what had gone on in the basement, but had gotten nowhere. She shut down, immediately after the words left his mouth. He gently initiated the conversation again, "There's something you're hiding, I can see it in your eyes."

"What?" She looked at him quickly, her eyes giving him the answer without needing a reply. "I told you everything, I'm not going to start making things up."

"You and I both know that's not true, Olivia." He said as he wiped his hand across his chin, continuing to make eye contact with her.

"You're wrong."

He adjusted himself on the recliner next to her, "I can see that you're afraid to say it, because you know that when you do, it makes it that much more real."

Her eyes drifted towards the opposite side of the living room, the weight of his words infiltrating her body. She didn't want to go back to that beach house, she didn't want to remember how helpless she truly felt. She didn't want to relive how vulnerable she was laying on that iron-frame bed. She didn't want to feel Lewis all over her, she didn't want to get involved in something that she tried so hard to forget.

Elliot didn't want to put words in her mouth so he initially kept quiet, leaving her to her own thoughts. He knew it would be hard for her to come to terms with what really went on in the beach house. Based on the explanation that Fin had given him in the squad room, he had pieced together that Lewis had done more than just beat her up. Truthfully, he wasn't expecting her to open up to him. After all of their history and his unexpected absence, he guessed he was probably the last person she'd want to talk to. But then again, she was full of surprises.

Things had fallen silent once again, he was slightly on edge. He didn't know if she was going to throw him out of the apartment or actually confide in him. Her breathing had become labored, and her arms were held protectively over her middle. Her eyes, despite being incredibly distant, looked like they were filled with tears but he couldn't be sure. Her face was sullen, but he could tell that her mind was racing a mile a minute. Just when he thought that his time in the apartment was over, her head slowly turned to look at him. She looked terrified, but somehow still composed. "I – I was -" she paused, swallowing and desperately trying her best to continue, "He – I was r-"

Elliot saw her struggling, and he nodded slowly, giving her the silent signal that it was okay to continue. He wanted her to feel safe and he knew that she was still on edge, terrified that Lewis was going to appear at any second. He didn't want to cut her off, he wanted to be there for her in whatever she did come clean about. She struggled but kept trying to continue, "He raped me."

"Liv -" he gently whispered, but he couldn't finish his sentence before she held her good hand up to stop him. It lingered for a few seconds and her eyes were shut. Her breathing was hitched and when she looked at him next, it was something that would haunt him for days to come. "In the beach house, that's where it happened."

He was filled with an anger that he had never felt before, he wanted to kill the son of a bitch that hurt the most important woman in his life. He didn't let it show, except for the way that he squeezed one of his fists; he prayed that she didn't notice. Elliot didn't want to ask questions, this was her story and she had to be the one to set the pace. "Right after he threw me on the bed when we first got to the house. All that vodka, I had to use the restroom." She saw him holding the gun on her, and she could hear his voice mocking her _"If you need to go so bad, get up."_ She could remember him standing over her, smiling as he watched her writhing around on the bed in an attempt to get up on her own. She could feel his hands on her as he pulled her up from the bed and shoved her into the bathroom. "When I was finished, he threw me on the bed and handcuffed me. He was getting impatient, and he had this wild look in his eyes. It was mischevious, and evil." She saw him lunging at her, forcing a new piece of duck tape on her mouth. She could remember thrasing around on the bed and how the gun felt so cold on her temple. "He blindfolded me, he said he wanted to traumatize me. He told me over and over that it was what I deserved. The next thing I knew, he was on top of me."

"I tried screaming no, and fought by any means necessary but all that came out were muffled cries." She tucked the stray strands of hair behind her ear, in an attempt to distract herself from getting too emotionally involved in retelling her former partner how she was brutally raped. "He had this rusty knife with him. When I fought him, in any way, he'd drag that jagged edge along my skin. It was excruciating," she said as her hand absent-mindedly ran along the bandages underneath her sweater, the memories fully present in her mind. "It was 45 minutes of agonizing pain, and when he was done, you know what he said to me? _You should be so lucky to be in the presence of such a gentleman, others weren't so lucky._"

"What so-called gentleman, brutally rapes a decorated cop in the NYPD?" She saw Elliot trying to interject to say something and she continued on, "I thought the first time was bad, but the second, was awful." She remembered Lewis had just come off a high with the maid and her daughter. She could see Lewis' sadistic smile as he scoured the room looking for a pair of scissors. She could feel how sore her wrists were from being handcuffed to the bed. "He was vicious, when he tore off my clothes for the second time. When he shoved a cloth rag in my mouth, I thought it was over. I thought he was going to kill me because I was of no use to him anymore." She could feel his weight on top of her, and she cringed as she sat on the couch. She could hear his voice, clear as day in her mind. "He didn't blindfold me like the last time. He said, _I want a struggle out of you._ I didn't give him what he wanted, and I paid the price for it. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of me struggling underneath him."

"He so badly wanted me to fight him, and I didn't. I laid as still as I could, staring off into the distance. For every minute that I laid on that bed, his fist would find my ribs. When his fist wasn't hurling towards my ribs, it was meeting my already bruised face." She pointed to the obvious bruises near her eyes, letting him know that Lewis was the culprit. "I think I went to some other place in my mind, or I blocked it out completely. The last thing I remember was his voice saying, _There's a lot more where that came from_." She sighed, as she recalled what happened next, "He quickly walked over to me, and the next thing I knew, he had knocked me unconscious again."

He had opened his mouth to speak, his eyes giving a look of complete empathy for the woman he was sitting beside. She had poured out her deepest secret to date and was shockingly composed, but that's when she cut him off, "Don't, please." She paused, holding her good hand up to stop him from continuing. "If I hear you speak, these tears that I've been trying to keep from falling will spill over. I don't have time to pick up the pieces of my shattered soul. Please," she pleaded, as she avoided all eye contact, "just don't say anything."

At first, Elliot hesitated. He didn't say a word, his mind contemplating his next move. He realized that whatever he was going to say next, wouldn't take back what had happened to her. Nothing would. "I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm sorry. Nothing I say, will take back what he did to you." He was watching her body language, she was slowly shutting down and he knew that he had to act quickly. "You didn't deserve what he did to you, and although you feel like you'd be better off dead, I'm glad that you're still here."

She shook her head, her tears still pricking at the edges of her eyes. "I fought, so hard. But nothing worked. Nothing I did, helped me get away. The more I fought, the more he hurt me. It was as simple and as complicated as that." She looked over at him, a lone tear slowly making its way down her cheek, "I told him to kill me, for Christ's sake. When he pointed that gun to my head, I told him to end it. I did it without hesitation. That's what my life came down to, whether or not he was going to follow through with a plan he had thought about endlessly. Who does that? Who willingly tells someone to kill them?"

"Someone who figured it would be easier to be a corpse than a punching bag, there's nothing wrong with that. You did what you had to do."

"It would have killed Kat if he had shot me dead. What kind of mother would that make me? If I willingly told a serial killer to kill me?" She questioned, not expecting any kind of an answer. "There came a point, when I stopped thinking about Kat. My mind blocked her out, almost as if I didn't have a daughter. I didn't get it, until I realized that I was preparing to die. That it would be easier to be alone than have to worry about the people I left behind." The tears had long since spilled over, and she was still speaking clearer than ever. Every so often, she had wiped away the tears that had made racetracks down her cheeks. She was used to it, and didn't falter because of it. "How terrible is that? That I blocked the people I love out of my mind just so it would be easier to die? It makes me out to be a terrible person." She paused, collecting her thoughts before blurting out, "Do you want to know how I kept myself alive?"

Olivia didn't wait for a response, and she was desperately trying to keep herself together. She was one sob away from breaking down completely, something she was attempting to avoid. "I kept telling myself, that if I could make it one more second, just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, that I could somehow see your face. Out of everyone I had ever met in my entire life, your face was the only one I couldn't get rid of. All of the heartbreak you put me through after you left, all of the anger I had towards you. I wanted so badly to hate you, to forget about you completely." She swallowed, keeping the sob down just a little while longer, "Lewis taunted me, endlessly. I'll never forget it. I still hear his voice, late at night."

""When I finally beat the crap out of him, when I found his phone, your number was the one I wanted to call first. Your face was the one I saw in my head when I was in and out of consciousness. I wanted you to be the first one to find me, a bloody mess that was crumpled on the floor. When I walked out of that beach house, I wanted to see you standing there by the ambulance." Her voice was cracking, and she knew that he noticed, despite the complete silence as he was intently listening to her. "I wanted you holding my hand in the ambulance, telling me it was going to be alright. When I first rolled into the ER, I wanted you to be the one that yelled at all the doctors to stop talking about me, and start talking to me. I wanted you to make all of the decisions, giving nurses the evil eye because they wouldn't give me pain medication right away." Her walls were crumbling, and she was about one step away from completely losing it. Her emotions were fried, and her composure was almost non-existent, "I wanted you holding my hand during the rape kit. I wanted your hand against my face as you looked into my eyes, telling me the same speech we tell every victim. I wanted you to lift me off that table and carry me back to my room because I was too weak to do it myself." At this point, she was sobbing and her words were choppy, but somehow still clear. Elliot didn't interrupt her as she continued on, he knew that she had to let it out. She had somehow grabbed on to his hand during her marathon talking session. He didn't know when, but he certainly knew why. "I wanted you to sit with me when I talked to Huang about what had happened to me. I wanted you when I got discharged, and I wanted you to take me home. I wanted you to sit with me, making sure that I had everything I needed to sleep because God knows I didn't in the hospital. I wanted you to force me to eat, by ordering all of my favorite foods because even though I stopped eating, I could never say no to sweet and sour chicken." She smiled, despite the tears that were in a steady stream down her cheeks. "I wanted you to hold me when I woke up screaming from a nightmare, and I wanted you to tell me that I was safe."

"I almost died, Elliot." She sobbed, he had moved next to her a few short minutes before and she was now wrapped up in his arms. She was still talking, as he gently stroked her hair and gently rubbed her back in an attempt to comfort her. For her sake, he knew that he had to keep it together but he truly had no idea how much his departure had impacted her in such a way until now . Through sobs, she continued, "I wanted you, but you weren't there. I wanted you, every day. All the time."

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**As always, I'd really LOVE it if you left a review!**


	47. Chapter 47

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: My time in first grade ended on March 11th, it was actually really sad to leave - both my students and I got super attached to each other.**

**#2: My special education placement started on March 14th and it was a really tough adjustment. I cried on the way home the first 2 days. I'm in an Autism Support classroom and it's VERY different from first grade. I'm slowly learning to like it, but I don't think I'll ever love it as much as I did first grade. I took over Calendar this week so that's exciting!**

**#3: I'm flying home for Easter, I fly out of Buffalo on Thursday and I come back to Pennsylvania on Monday night - I'm SO excited to see my parents and my dogs.**

**#4: I'm on Twitter, I'd LOVE it if you came over to say hello! fearLIZness17**

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His arms were still wrapped around her body, comforting her as best he could under the circumstances. Her sobs had lessened to a quiet whimper every now and again. He knew that she was still upset over the heavy conversation that just occurred and despite the quietness in the air, he could still feel her tears soaking the front of his shirt. She had mumbled a few times over the past half hour but it was never loud enough for him to make out the words. He was sure it had something to do with his absence or details that she had left out in her story. He had kept quiet throughout, he didn't want to say anything that might upset her even more. His hand had slid up and down her back as she cried, his best effort to not aggravate her injuries further.

He couldn't remember a time where he had seen her as vulnerable as she was at the current moment. He had seen her take a right hook to the eye from a perp she chased down on the street. When they got back to the squad room, it had already turned into a deep shade of purple. He had witnessed a knife nick her the throat when they were both after Gitano. He remembered unknowingly sacrificing a child's life to save his partner. He remembered how when he next saw her, her neck was stitched up and she looked good as new. He remembered all of the broken ribs, and how she would always insist she was fine but he would catch glimpses of her favoring her sore side more. He remembered how she cried in the cribs after finding out her mother had died. Or the time when she found out the man she had been dating was married, and wanted nothing to do with her or her unborn child. He remembered how she cried in the hospital after Kat was born because of how terrified she was to raise her on her own. Now, it was a completely different world. He was on the outside, he couldn't pry like he used to. He had to wait until she was ready to open up, even though he knew that there was a chance she never would. This was like nothing he had ever experienced with her before, he didn't quite know how to handle things but he would never make it known.

She had picked her head up off of his chest slowly, surveying the room. With her good hand, she wiped her eyes even though it didn't really accomplish much. At this point, she didn't really care. No matter how many times she tried to keep her composure, she ended up losing it again. She couldn't remember when he had moved from the armchair to the couch, she was probably inconsolable for him to move seats. Despite all of her anger towards him, she felt oddly safe with him. She wasn't on edge, she wasn't terrified of crying or letting someone in. She wasn't afraid of the fact that he had seen her completely incapacitated, she just accepted it. "I'm sorry."

Elliot shook his head, "It's okay." He knew exactly why she was apologizing, and he knew that if he fought it, she would continue all night, or however long she'd let him stay.

She insisted, "I didn't mean to fall apart, it just kind of happened."

"I know," he nodded, "it's okay, Liv." He realized her called her by a nickname and quickly corrected himself, "I mean, Olivia."

"I'm sorry, you know, that I was so self-centered earlier." She sighed, knowing that she treated him unfairly. "I was wrong."

Apologizing was a defense mechanism for her, especially when all eyes were on her. He knew that she felt small, and exposed. He accepted the apologies, and knew that he had to change the subject to give her some relief. "Are you hungry?"

She shook her head, "No." Truthfully, she was never hungry and it was a constant battle between her and Kat when her daughter tried to get her to eat. With all the medication she was on, she never had any kind of an appetite.

"After all of that talking, surely you must have some kind of appetite." He gently pressed, knowing that she had to eat something.

"I'm not hungry, at all."

"You haven't eaten in days," he said, "it's written all over your face."

"That's not true," she protested, "I ate yesterday."

"Besides the things that Kat bought, there's no food in this apartment." He wasn't lying, Kat had bought a few groceries for herself but there was nothing he knew Olivia liked visible. "Chinese sound good?"

"Elliot," she protested, "I'm fine, I'm not hungry."

"I'm still ordering Sweet and Sour Chicken for you, maybe you'll change your mind once you see it."

"Doubtful."

He could see that she was tired, crying will do that to a person. She was fighting it, but there was a hint of anxiousness because of who she would see when she fell asleep. "How about you lay down for a bit, I'll come get you when the food is here. They said it might take a while."

She nodded, as she gingerly slid herself off the couch. She winced at the twinges she felt from her ribs, knowing that it was about time to take her next dose of medication. She held her good hand out to the wall for support, as she slowly began to walk back towards her bedroom. She didn't want him to see how much she was struggling, but soon enough, he came to her rescue. "Humor me?"

It was a slow walk, but they managed to make it to her bed. She was thankful that her medication had been left on her nightstand so it was within arms reach. She had promised him that she would be fine, and with that, he had gone back to the living room to watch television, so she assumed.

For the first 10 minutes, she had fought sleep as much as she could. She hated the fact that she had cried as much as she did earlier because the exhaustion was catching up with her, despite her best efforts. With the medication, she was terrified of the dream that she might have when she finally did fall asleep. It was never-ending, a constant cycle of nightmares.

_She was laying on the iron-frame bed back at the beach house. Lewis was sitting on the foot of the bed, staring at her as she struggled with her handcuffs. "What's that look for?" He asked, "Thinking about that special someone?" Lewis continued talking, "Or are you thinking about someone that you'll never see again."_

_Olivia didn't answer, the duck tape was still over her mouth. "You're thinking about that old partner of yours, what's his name? Evan? No. Eric? No. Oh yeah, Elliot." He smiled wide at her, "I bet you didn't think I knew his name. Well, Olivia. I know a lot about you."_

_"I know that you loved him, oh wait. You still do. I can see it in your eyes." He laughed, mocking her. "I bet you want him here right now. Is he your knight in shining armor? Are you the damsel in distress? You're so much better than that, Olivia."_

_She kicked her feet in protest, but it didn't get her very far. Lewis kept talking, "Things have changed, Olivia. I have bad news, or more bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"_

_She was quiet, she didn't want him to kill her right on the spot or do worse. "Bad news, he left you. More mad news, he's not coming to save you. He doesn't care about you, he never did and he never will."_

_Olivia's eyes had started to tear up, she was trying desperately to not let Lewis win with his mind-games. "It's too bad, it would have made a great story. Olivia and Elliot, together at last." He was mocking her, trying to get inside her head. He was trying to break her, by any means possible. "Too bad he wasn't here right now, I'd shoot him first. Right here, in front of you."_

_Things fell quiet, before he spoke again. "Then I'd shoot you. Nobody would find you, nobody would know where you are. You'd just be another abandoned body. People would stop looking for you, they'd stop caring. You would just be another forgotten face in the world, another statistic."_

_"It's too bad, with everyone looking for you now. It would all stop in a matter of days if they didn't find you, Detective or not. Every investigation comes to an end, just like your life is slowly coming to an end now." He held the gun to her head, the cold metal pressing against her temple. She tightly closed her eyes, waiting for Lewis to pull the trigger._

She shot up from bed, in tears once again, gasping for air like her life depended on it. Her head was on a constant swivel, looking for Lewis. Her mind was playing tricks on her, and she saw his figure over by her closet. "Please, no. I'll do anything" She cried out, "Lewis, stop."

He had just come out of the bathroom when he had hard her cry out. He had immediately walked towards her room, feeling incredibly guilty that he was the one who sent her to bed in the first place. "Hey, hey. It's okay, Liv. He's not here."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief, pointing to her closet. "He's right there, I just saw him!"

Elliot walked over to her closet, walking inside and looking around to make her feel better. "I can promise you, that he's not in here. It was just a dream, Liv."

The tears had already made stains on her cheeks, for what seemed like the hundredth time already. "I see him everywhere."

"I know," he nodded, "it's a process, a terrible one at that but a process."

She had gently turned herself so her feet were hanging off the bed. She desperately just wanted to get out of the room, her dream had felt so vivid and she didn't want to divulge in any details with Elliot, considering the majority of it was about him. She was sore, and physically standing up was a daunting task in which she didn't want to ask for help. Somehow, he instinctively knew and was at her side in seconds. "Let's get you out of here, I was just coming to get you about the food."

It was another arduous task to walk, even with Elliot's help. On some days, her ankle felt fine and she was able to walk on her own accord but lately, she was struggling more. It was frustrating for her to deal with her injuries because just when she thought she was getting better, she took twelve steps right back to square one. Today, was one of those days. He had taken most of her weight, not that it was any struggle for him. She was skinny as a rail, and light as a feather. She had lost a significant amount of weight since had last seen her all those years ago. He knew that the medications weren't helping her, and he had assumed that she had no appetite at all based on their previous conversation. Her skin was pale, and she looked like someone who had truly given up, despite having all the supports behind her. She was trying, but he knew it wasn't enough if she truly wanted to get back to who she was before Lewis. "Couch, or kitchen table?"

"Couch, I'm a pretty clean eater anyways," she said.

It was good that she had talked about eating, he really didn't want to struggle with getting her to take even one bite. Elliot assumed that she was just trying to save face, as per usual but she was putting forth at least a small amount of effort. He had led her to the couch, where the food was already laid out on the coffee table. She was easy to sit down, and he noticed that she didn't wince at all which was a great sign. As far as he knew, the medication was working slowly but surely. "Where do you want to start?"

"Just fix me a small plate," she asked, "I'm just getting back into it."

He had given her some sweet and sour chicken, dumplings, rice and lo mein to start. There wasn't very much on her plate, but it was a good start. Elliot immediately got to work on his plate, while Olivia picked at her food. Ten minutes in, Elliot's plate had been half-eaten while Olivia's had barely been touched. He discreetly glanced over at her, watching as she moved her fork around her plate, pushing the food around. "You're afraid to throw up, am I right?"

She glared at him, "What makes you think that?"

"I've had my share of broken ribs, Liv." He reminisced, knowing how hard they were to deal with. "I know how painful it is to vomit. You do it once, and you're terrified from then on."

She hesitated, before he pressed the subject again. "It was from the same thing you're eating now, wasn't it?"

Olivia shook her head, "No, it's not that. It wasn't even from food, I promise."

"I don't want to sound patronizing here, but you have to eat something." She was far too skinny for his liking, and he knew that once she started to eat, the road to recovery would be a lot easier for her. "Even if you don't eat the whole plate, a quarter of it would be amazing."

"I know," she nodded, "I'm trying, but -" she hesitated before changing her mind, "You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter anyways."

Elliot knew that Olivia was going to say something about how her medication makes her feel differently or prohibits her from eating. She hesitated because she didn't want to seem like a whiner, she didn't want to come off as helpless or needy. He watched her as she took her first bite, and it was written all over her face that she wasn't enjoying it as much as she used to. In an attempt to distract her from the taste of the food, he turned on the television. There wasn't anything on, but some old rerun of Friends. They both had already seen the episode, but it was just background noise that went hand in hand with the eating.

"Thanks," she mumbled, "for coming over. I don't know if I told you that, I can't really remember."

"Yeah, no problem." He replied non-chalantly, "It's good to see that you're out of the woods, with everything. You had a lot of people worried."

Olivia got quiet as she took a few more bites of the chicken, she was contemplating divulging another one of her feelings. When Elliot had first come over that day, she was timid and afraid of what he was going to say or do. She was afraid of whether or not he was judging her or thinking badly of how she let Lewis take advantage of her. She was wrong, and just like always, he had been sympathetic despite the fact that she knew he wanted to kill Lewis himself. She was growing comfortable, and it felt nice to have a genuine conversation. "This is really the first time," she paused, "that I've had a real conversation with someone other than my daughter. Not just a, how are you feeling or do you need anything. Nobody really comes by anymore, I guess."

"That doesn't mean they don't still care about you, and how you're coping with everything. A squad is a squad, no matter what."

"Amanda still comes by, she's been the only one whose thrown herself into this mess I now call a life. She's been great, and she's done so much for both Kat and I." She sighed, "And I didn't even ask her to."

"You shouldn't have had to ask, Liv." He paused, "That's what a family does. Besides Kat, they're your family. They love you, and adore you. They show up when times get hard."

She quietly spoke, "Nick hasn't been by since god knows when. I haven't heard from Cragen in a week and a half. With Fin, I just don't know." She took a small bite of lo mein and a spoonful of rice before continuing, "I know Nick blames himself, for a lot of what Lewis did. I can see it in his eyes that whenever he looks at me, he sees that same person who was a bloody mess on the floor of the beach house. He tried to be normal with me the last time he was here, but I know it was killing him to sit here and act like everything wasn't falling apart. And Cragen," she started again, "I know he took it hard. I'm basically the closest thing he has to a daughter. He put all of this on himself, it's all about the what-ifs and the I should have's. There's nothing he could have done for me, Lewis would have come after me regardless of whether or not Cragen sent me home on 2 days leave. And then there's Fin," she sighed, "he's buried himself so far in this investigation that I haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. I know he's doing it to make sure Lewis never sees the light of day again, but he left me hanging. Hell, they all kind of did."

"No one copes the same way, some throw themselves into their work or an investigation. Others dwell on the things they could have done differently to avoid what really happened. Some constantly replay the same memory in their heads over and over again, like it's on a loop. They're trying the best they can, they'll come around."

She protested quietly, "I don't want them to blame themselves. I don't blame them at all for what I went through. It's not even remotely their fault, I wish they knew that." She saw him about to interject, and she held her hand up to stop him. "During the search for me, I know there was always a thought in the back of their mind about the possibility of not finding me alive. Or deep down, they were trying to prepare themselves for the possibility of not finding me at all." She had taken the last bite on her plate, before setting it on her lap to continue speaking, "They were preparing themselves for what it would feel like to find me dead, and I think that when they found me, they didn't know what to think. Nick flew to my rescue when he found me lying there on the floor and then there came a point, when he washed his hands clean. Everyone did, even Amanda to a point."

"They aren't doing it to hurt you, Liv. It's the only way they know how. When someone you look up to and admire endures a trauma like you did, that's when your job becomes that much more real. It wasn't just another victim for them and it wasn't just another case. You were their co-worker, a friend, a daughter and a sister. That changed the playing field, immensely."

"I don't want them to see me differently. I don't want them to pretend that everything is fine. I don't want them to think they're a burden if they unload all of their feelings on to me. I want them to show up at my doorstep in tears or with the intent of having a heart to heart. I don't want them to think I'm a fragile piece of glass that will shatter at the slightest acknowledgement. I don't want a pity party, and I don't want to chase after people when they're afraid to even come by to see me. I don't want them to feel guilty about what happened. I don't want them to look at me like I'm less than what I used to be." She softly continued, sadness dripping in her voice, "Is that too much to ask?"

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**As always, I'd love it if you left a review. They always make my day a little brighter!**


	48. Chapter 48

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1. Student teaching is going pretty well, a lot better than it started out! I've been teaching the full day for about 2 weeks now which is exciting. I only have a week and a half left of teaching before I'm done! Time really flies, especially when you're doing something you love!**

**#2: Life has been extremely busy lately, hence why I haven't updated in over a month. I do apologize!**

**#3: I graduate college in exactly a month, which is INSANE. Four years flew by!**

**#4: I just registered to run my very first half-marathon (13.1 miles total) today. The race is on September 25th so I'll be spending the majority of my summer training for that, I'll keep you all posted on how things are going with that - I'm VERY excited!**

**#5. If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, be my friend, or just laugh at how ridiculous my tweets are, come find me (I don't disappoint) - fearLIZness17**

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"It's not at all too much to ask, Liv." He softly replied, "You're human, and you want to know that everyone around you is still there rallying for you."

She was quiet and reserved but still trying to make sense of everything she was facing. She hadn't moved from her position on the couch since Elliot had come over, and at this point, she didn't think she wanted to. She had missed him, greatly. She hadn't forgiven him for leaving because she was still pushing through a lot of mixed emotions. With all the Lewis happenings, she had to push Elliot's abrupt departure years earlier and the feelings that went along with it, to the side. "The only person that I really ever talk to is Kat, and even then, it's nothing more than a few words." She sighed, "How pathetic is that, I confide in my teenage daughter, who doesn't even know the half of what happened because I just don't have the heart to tell her."

"It's not pathetic at all," he softly squeezed her good hand in support, "you have to confide in someone, and if it happens to be Kat, that's perfectly fine."

"She's not even eighteen yet, and she's seen more in the past few weeks than any person sees in a lifetime. She's seen her mother disappear before her very eyes, walked right into the apartment to find everything in complete disarray because I was kidnapped by a sadist and tortured for 3 days in a beach house somewhere on Long Island." Her eyes were staring into space, trying her best not to fall apart for the thousandth time in his presence. Talking about Kat was always a delicate subject, even more so now than ever. "Ever since she saw me in the hospital, she's never looked at me the same. She's timid, and shy around me. She wants to ask about a hundred questions but never goes through with it, because she's afraid of how I'll react."

"She'll come around," Elliot replied, "she loves you, no matter what you look like. She'll always adore the ground you walk on, she's your daughter, Liv."

"This is different," Olivia protested hesitantly, "I yelled at her not too long ago. It was a few days after I was discharged from the hospital, and I was sick of people waiting on me hand and foot, you know how I get with that." Elliot nodded, remembering all of the times that Olivia had gotten so frustrated when Don had sent her home due to illness or injury. That's just who Olivia was, independent as could be. "I so badly wanted to be independent, just once. She found me, attempting to make a bowl of spaghetti in the kitchen one night. I was struggling, and I was trying to be quiet because she was in her room with the door closed, I didn't want her to think that something was wrong." She sighed, "When she heard me, she came flying out of her room, immediately rushing to my aid. It was the last thing I wanted and I protested hard. I tried reaching for one of the ceramic bowls we have in the cupboards, and I thought I had a decent grip on it, until it came crashing down at my feet, shattering everywhere."

He was going to interject, but she continued talking before he could get a word in, "I was so angry that I lost it, completely lost it." She brushed the hair out of her face, her messy bun was in complete disarray but she didn't have the energy to fix it, so she left it as is. "I froze, and Kat was frantically trying to comfort me while talking about cleaning up the pieces of the bowl. I knew she didn't know what to say to me, and that's when she brought it all up."

"Brought what up?"

"That because I was a victim, it was expected that I got angry." She sadly sighed, the memories vividly flying through her mind, "That was when I flew off the handle. I yelled at her to never say it again, and how she had absolutely no idea what it was like to not be able to do the most basic of tasks independently. I ranted, for God knows how long about how hard it was for me to accept that I wasn't in control of my life." She remembered seeing Kat's face, and the moments after she realized what had come out of her mouth, "I think I shocked her, and I think that I hurt her in the things I said. She looked like she wanted to cry, and I don't blame her. I think she was holding it together for my sake."

"She doesn't hold any of that against you, Liv." Elliot thought it was best to remind Olivia of that small fact, so she wasn't completely blaming herself for the incident. "You still mean everything to her, and that won't change, no matter how many times you yell or cry in front of her."

"My daughter is a mess, because of me. She's just barely getting by, and as a mother, there's nothing worse than seeing your daughter struggle."

"Kat is doing the best she can, Liv. She doesn't blame you for anything, everyone deals with things differently. She may be distant, or not the same spunky teenager you once had, but she's still your daughter. Her spirit and fun-nature are still buried deep inside her, they'll come out in due time."

"Do you want to know what she told Amanda two weeks ago?"

"What?"

This confession hurt the most, because of how helpless it made Olivia feel. She was supposed to be the mother, and her daughter wasn't supposed to take on all of life's burdens all at once. "She said that she wasn't sleeping because it would kill her to know that something would have happened to me and she wouldn't have been there to fix it." The tears began to well up in her eyes, just enough that they hadn't slipped down her cheeks, but enough to make her vision blurry and her voice shaky. "How terrible is that? That my daughter is so worried about me dying while she's asleep that she sacrificed her own health for my sake. Who does that?"

"Someone who would give up their entire world to make sure that you're still in it." He quietly responded, "She'll do anything she can just so that you get better, even if it is making the ultimate sacrifice."

"She knows that I'm trying to protect her by saving face, and I know she doesn't like it. But sometimes, it's just easier to try to forget than having it be at the forefront of my mind." She made eye contact with him for the first time in at least twenty minutes, and he immediately could see an emptiness inside of her that he hadn't seen before. He knew she was terrified, but was doing everything she could to avoid admitting it. "I know she's tired of taking care of me, and I feel awful that she's dropped everything to advocate for me. I didn't want her to be my care-taker, I didn't want her to take off school to be at my beck and call. I didn't ask her to do that, Elliot."

"But she did," he replied, "without any complaints, because she loves you. She'd do it over and over, without hesitation because that's the kind of person you raised. She's selfless, caring, and a hundred other adjectives that will never capture how amazing Kat really is."

Olivia confessed, "I tried to get her to go back to school last week."

"I bet that went over like a lead balloon."

She nodded, "It was terrible, and there was a lot of yelling involved, from both her and I. It wasn't pretty, by any means."

"What happened?"

"I suggested that she could go back to school for the last few weeks of her junior year and to spend some time with her friends. I really just wanted a sense of normalcy for her, and I hoped that suggesting school could be an out for her, if she wanted it." She shook her head, "I thought that she would take it, and I hoped she would just so she could have a break. She lost it, and I don't blame her." She looked down, her fingers fiddling with the frills of the blanket next to her. "She dug deep, with the things she said. They really hurt, Elliot."

"She didn't mean them, you have to believe that." He tried his best to comfort her, he knew that whatever was said, wasn't pretty by any means. "She got caught up in the heat of the moment, and I'm sure if you ask her now, she'll say the same thing."

"She said that I'd die without her. That if she wasn't there with me all day, my body would just shut down. She said that she was surprised that I had even made it this far to begin with, that I'd be better off dead." She sadly murmured, her voice just above a whisper. "She said that all the medication in the world wouldn't fix me, that I'd be just as helpless. She called me lazy, because apparently I wasn't trying hard enough to be independent. She was so angry, the whole time. She just kept yelling, and to a point, I was too. We each held our own for a while until I stopped, and she kept going. The last thing she said before she ran into her room was she thought it was a mistake to help me in the first place. For a half second, I thought the same thing. It was my fault that she dropped everything, and it was my fault that she even got involved in the first place."

He was quiet, and he wanted to say something, but Olivia had other plans. She was on a roll, and if she stopped, the realization of what actually came out of her mouth would break every piece of trust she had with her daughter if Kat found out. "We didn't talk to each other for the rest of the day. I know she went to her room and probably cried, I definitely thought about crying myself. I didn't, if you were curious. We reconciled the next morning, but even then, things still weren't the same." She hesitated with her next confession, it deeply hurt her. She thought about it constantly, day and night. Confessing it, made it that much more real for both her and Kat. "She wishes it were her, Elliot. She's said it to me twice already."

"Let me ask you something." He paused, gauging her reaction. "If it were her, if Lewis got to her instead, it would kill you. If the roles were switched, wouldn't you be wishing the same thing?"

"Well of course, but she's only seventeen." She protested, "She doesn't know what she's wishing for."

"She's your daughter, Liv. She'd do anything if it meant taking the brunt of your pain away. And if she were in your position, you'd be doing the exact same thing." He thoughtfully put it, hoping that she didn't take it the wrong way. He just wanted to bring some perspective to the table. "It's not wrong for her to wish she was in your shoes."

"Stop," she held up her hand to object, "She have no idea what it's like to be me right now, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy."

"It's a natural human instinct. I bet every single member of the squad thought the same thing when they first saw you in the hospital. When your face was on the news, I bet the hundreds of people watching were sympathizing with you. You can't fault people for caring, Liv."

"Do you wish it was you?"

"What?"

She repeated herself, as slow and methodically as she had done just seconds previously. "Do you wish it was you?"

"Of course I do, Liv." He stated, "I would never have wanted you to get hurt the way you did. In some alternate universe, I would absolutely trade places with you."

"But, why?" She quietly asked, "Why would you want to be on all this medication? Why would you want to have stitches all over your body from a knife? Why would you want every inch of your skin to be bruised or all of your ribs to be broken or fractured? Why would you so willingly trade places to feel all of that?"

"Because out of all the people I've ever met in this entire world, you don't deserve the hand you've been dealt as far as Lewis goes. All of the stitches, bruises, broken bones, flashbacks and trauma shouldn't have happened to you. You don't get to live the life you have and somehow deserve this."

"Then who does deserve this, Elliot. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that before, I could pay for God knows what. Who on this Earth deserves this?"

"No one does, Liv. No one deserves this. They don't deserve to endure a pain from what I imagine is hell. They shouldn't have to feel smaller than whoever they're sitting with. Being tortured for 3 days isn't a hand that someone should be dealt, no matter who it is."

She abruptly questioned him again, "Then why would you suddenly take on all of this if you had the choice?"

He was quiet for a long while, contemplating whether or not how truthful he wanted to be. He would do anything for her, and even at SVU, it was no different. He saw her looking over at him and he knew that it was best to not hold anything back, especially in her fragile state. "Because that's the price I'd pay for the pain I caused you by walking away."

Elliot saw that she didn't know what to say and he continued, "I'd taken all the broken ribs, fractured ankles, broken ribs, stitches, bruises and a concussion if it meant that you would be free from Lewis. Just because I walked away, doesn't mean that I don't still care about you."

"You're crazy, to think that. You'd be miserable, if you had all of this to deal with." She threw it out there, not taking into account his confession. She knew that he cared about her, but she didn't realize that he would drop everything to protect her. "Even after all this time, you'd still step up to bat for me?"

"We spent twelve years on the job together, Liv." He brought up the years they spent at SVU, something that neither of them could forget. They were each other's work spouses, best friends and protectors. "With Gitano, I chose you over that little boy. I chose to make sure you were okay, and a little boy got killed. I sat with you in Cragen's office as you told him you were pregnant, you were terrified. He questioned if you would still be able to do the job and stay unbiased because you had a kid on the way and I said that you had no reason to worry." When Elliot looked over at Olivia, her eyes were closed, remembering each memory he brought up. He knew that she was picturing everything play out, it was how she worked. "Remember Emily Collins? We picked her up and she immediately latched on to you for dear life. When she was screaming in the hospital, you were the only person who could calm her in seconds, just by walking into the room. You ran away to the beach that night, and I followed you. You questioned whether or not you were still able to do the job without feeling like a failure for walking out of the hospital in tears. I told you that you weren't and crying was a sign that you were still a human, not a robot."

He remembered the absolute worst day of Olivia's career and for a second, he hesitated bringing it up. Elliot knew it would hurt her deeply to remember what had happened but for the sake of the point he was making, he continued on, "Or what about the elementary school shooting? You were the last person to talk to Matthew before shots rang out, and deafening silence followed soon after. You rushed into the classroom and instantly doubled over in grief where Fin and I had to lead you out. You were convinced that you would never get that image out of your head. You turned to a bottle of whiskey that had been hidden away in your closet. Everyone questioned whether or not you would even return to the squad and I told them not to worry because no one ever questions whether Olivia Benson is capable of doing her job. Or what about the time where you were framed by that biker gang?" He paused, bringing up yet another example where he had stepped up to bat for his partner. He'd have done anything in his power for her, no matter what the situation was. "IAB wanted to strip you of your badge, and I was scrambling anything I could to prove your innocence. When every Uni believed that you were guilty, I was the one convincing them that you had nothing to do with the murder." He saw her face, and she looked incredibly sad reminiscing about old memories, but he continued, "So now, when you're asking me whether or not I'd step up to bat for you, my answer is always."

"All of that was years ago," she quietly commented, "they're just memories now."

"Did you think that I'd give up on you?" He questioned, "Did you think that I'd just forget about all the years we spent together as partners? Answer me honestly here, Liv. Did you want me to stop stepping up to bat for you?"

She shook her head, "Out of all the crappy people in this world, you were the one person I could count on to always be on my side. We promised each other that we'd sacrifice a kidney if one of us needed it, I mean, how much more do you want from me here? I'd give you a piece of my body, Elliot. Is that not enough?"

"It isn't about a kidney, Liv. It's about whether or not you still want me here, whether or not you can accept that I'd go to the ends of the Earth for you, despite all of the times along the way that I've wanted to call it quits." He wasn't shouting, and he wasn't angry. His voice was steady, and even-toned, despite the war that was raging on inside him. "There was a time, believe it or not, when we were best friends. Do you remember that? Those times were fantastic, some of the best years of my life. And now, I know that you're going through a lot, but Jesus, I can't for the life of me figure out what you want."

"What I want?" She cried out, "You're honestly asking me what I want? Jesus, Elliot. Maybe I want just one day that isn't filled with the worst pain I've ever felt. Or maybe it's a single night's sleep that I don't wake up screaming from a nightmare with Lewis in it. Maybe I just want to be independent, to actually do life's most basic tasks by myself. Do you ever think about that? Or maybe it's the fact that I can't even leave my house because of all the reporters still camped out downstairs. Life isn't so easy when you can't even think about the bigger picture, Elliot."

Things fell silent, the tension in the room was building and it was very apparent to both Olivia and Elliot. It was hard for either of them to move on from where they had last left off. It was difficult for Olivia to move past Elliot leaving and it was difficult for Elliot to reintegrate himself into her life. It was an adjustment period for both of them, and they were struggling. It was quiet for almost five minutes before Elliot had the nerve to speak again. "I can see Oregon in your eyes."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Liv," he looked at her, "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that you're trapped. You want to run, but can't."

"Oregon was years ago, Elliot. There's nothing there for me now."

"So tell me, honestly. If you had the chance to run, would you?"

"Of course I would," she replied, "if I didn't have any ties to the city, I'd take off. That's what I do, Elliot. I run, fast and far. I've done it my whole life, it's nothing new. I mean, do you blame me? Ever since I left the hospital, I've thought about running. I've thought about where I could go, where Lewis couldn't find me. I've thought about how I would leave the people I love behind, including my own daughter. I just can't do all this anymore, Elliot."

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**As always, I'd LOVE it if you left a review. They definitely make my day! :)**


	49. Chapter 49

**SO, since I last updated:**

**#1: Student teaching ended on May 4th - it was a lot of hard work but I loved both of my placements and I really do miss all of my students!**

**#2: I GRADUATED COLLEGE - yes, you read that correctly. I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Early Childhood Education and Special Education (I'm a double major). It's very weird to be done just like that, college absolutely flew by. But, all good things have to come to an end - maybe in the near future I'll go to graduate school to get my Masters, we'll see! I'm hoping to get a teaching job in the fall, but I have to pass all of my state teaching exams before I apply for licensure. If I'm not certified by the fall, I'll just substitute teach to get my foot in the door!**

**#3: Training for my half-marathon is going pretty good, I just got up to a baseline of 3 miles. Running in 90+ degree heat is VERY hard, but crossing that finish line in September will be great!**

**#4: I started my summer job today, I'm a lifeguard at a local gym in my town. They just built it last year so it's pretty fancy still, I met a lot of super cool people on my shift today!**

**#5: I do apologize for not updating in over a month, based on the events listed above, life really was pretty crazy!**

**#6: If you'd like to be my friend (please do, I'm actually a really cool person), head on over to Twitter to find me - fearLIZness17**

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Elliot knew she wanted to run, it didn't take very much effort to just look at Olivia and see how uncomfortable she was here in New York, especially after Lewis. He had destroyed the very human being that Elliot had come to bond with throughout their partnership. Years ago, Olivia was a cop that nobody wanted to mess with. She could run faster than anyone in the 16th precinct, and she could take down a perp just the same. She was smart, and would willingly interrogate any suspect without batting an eye. Even after hours without a confession, Olivia would still be the one going hard in the interrogation rooms. She was empathetic, and could relate to every single victim that walked through the precinct's double doors. She made each victim feel worthy of recovery, and stood by them as they endured the worst days of their lives. After Lewis, all of her glory fell by the wayside. She became withdrawn and pushed away even her closest of friends, including her own daughter. There were times when she even stopped speaking all together, the effort being just too much to bear. She was emotional, and would shed a tear over almost any mention of her life's state. Rightfully so, she was angry. Angry at a God she wasn't so sure she believed in, and at herself for becoming the victim. She was physically broken, the injuries slowly but surely taking their toll on her body. She was weak, and because of that, she was losing weight faster than she was putting it on. Olivia was starting to give up, and Elliot knew that this time, it was serious.

They were still sitting on the couch, and Elliot did his best to listen to her frustrations. She so badly wanted to leave everything behind, putting New York in her rearview mirror. Elliot honestly didn't blame her, for any of what she was feeling because he did the same thing when he left years prior. "So leave," he spoke, fueling the fire to her already tilted perspective.

"I can't," she tearfully admitted, "I just can't."

"Why?" he asked, genuinely interested in her response.

She paused, reflecting on her reasons. She had quite a few, all of them of equal importance but she was too far gone to act on the opportunity this time. "Because what kind of mother would that make me?"

"One that had to do what she had to do, for herself," he replied, "you can't keep living for other people here, Liv. You have to do what's right for you."

She abruptly cut in, "And abandon my own daughter in the process?"

"Of course not," Elliot reassured her, "that's not what I'm saying here, at all."

"Well, then what do you suggest here, Elliot?" She was distressed, and with all of the medications, her judgement was slightly impaired.

"Kat isn't going to be thrown away like she doesn't matter. She's an important part of who you are, and if I know you, you wouldn't walk away and leave her stranded."

"Just like when you left me stranded here all by myself wondering what I did wrong?"

Elliot expected that, and he knew that no matter how many times he apologized, none of them mattered. The damage had been done, and even though the wounds had healed, the scars will always be ever-present. "Come on, Liv. Give me a little leeway here."

"A little leeway? Are you kidding me?" She incredulously asked, "You're actually telling me that?"

"You know that's not what I meant," he fought back. "we already had that talk."

Olivia immediately shook her head, "I'm not going to abandon my daughter like you abandoned me. She's had enough heartbreak for three lifetimes, I'm not going to put her through anymore."

"You're not listening to me, Liv."

"My mother abandoned me, every single time she went to that bar down the street. Every drink she tossed back, and every dollar she spent. Every spare minute she had, was spent drinking away her sorrows. She ran away, Elliot." She tucked the loose ends of her hair behind her ears and was fiddling with the blanket in her lap, "She went to that bar and pretended she didn't have a daughter. She forgot I existed. When she came back night after night, she looked at me, and her eyes were filled with regret for going through with my pregnancy. How do you think that feels, to know that your mother regrets ever having you?"

"But you don't regret having Kat," Elliot interjected, "I saw how you looked at her for the first time after she was born and I see the way you look at her now, nothing has changed there, Liv."

"She feels abandoned right now, I can't do this to her."

_Kat had been talking about her 8th grade moving up ceremony for weeks. She couldn't wait to wear the fancy dress, and be recognized for an award. She had the highest GPA in the 8th grade class, not that it really mattered to the average middle schooler, but to Kat, it did. She was a serious student, and while other classmates were experimenting with relationships and getting into trouble, Kat took to friends, school and sports. Olivia didn't know how one would classify her daughter in the scheme of a clique. She had a lot of friends, and was a great athlete which was the makings of a popular student later on in high school._

_Olivia had sent Kat to school that morning, without any hitch and immediately set off to the precinct. Everyone in the 1-6 knew that this day was important to all involved, but especially to Kat who had worked so hard to earn this achievement._

_The day had been going smoothly, until right around noon. The squad had been called to a woman's apartment in the Bronx. They had received little information on the details, but when they got there, they could see why. It had started out as a domestic violence call, until the guy pulled a gun and proceeded to brutally rape the woman. She had a seven year old daughter, who had unfortunately been caught in the crossfire, and had been found hiding in an upstairs closet, bruised and bleeding._

_Upon arrival, Olivia Benson found herself in the middle of the chaos. Fin had taken care of the perp, while everyone else busied themselves in collecting evidence. Olivia, was left to tend to the victim and her daughter. The woman's name was Maria, she was barely 27 and her daughter was Alexa. Maria was in shock, and was clinging on to every word that Olivia spoke. Alexa had her arms wrapped around her mother, while her eyes were glued to Olivia. They were both weary of what was to come next, they didn't want any ramifications or any fall-outs. Olivia didn't blame them, but she did her best to console each of them._

_When asked about going to the hospital, Maria started to fall into a denial, and refused to get into the ambulance, insisting she was fine. Olivia, however, knew better than to agree but instead, pushed for both of them to get to the hospital to get looked at. Maria immediately agreed, when Olivia offerred to ride along, and stand by their side once they got there._

_Alexa had been whisked off by nurses into a separate ward, which almost sent Maria right over the edge. A few of the nurses were ready to sedate Maria until Olivia waved them off, insisting that they get started with the rape kit immediately. That was when Olivia started to lose track of time, something that tended to get her in trouble. The rape kit took longer than expected, mainly because of how terrified Maria truly was. She was anxious, and shut down a few times throughout the physical exam to which Olivia simply held out her hand in an attempt to soothe the distraught woman. Alexa had been fine in the children's ward, she had befriended another little girl and for a moment or two, forgot why she was in the hospital. Olivia was thankful, because it would have been even harder to be in two places at once, with two people in such delicate states. When everything was said and done, it was well past 7 o'clock – three hours after Kat's moving up ceremony had ended._

_She knew that Kat was going to be mad, not only for her own mother for not showing up, but for the squad to bail too. Olivia had swore up and down that she would be there, no matter what but she should have known that when you work SVU, you can't make promises with your time._

_Kat had been sitting at the kitchen table, still dressed up, "Where have you been?"_

_"I'm so sorry, sweetheart."_

_"No, you don't get to say that you're sorry." Kat started to yell, "You made a promise, that you'd be there and look at you, strolling in the house acting like you had somewhere more important to be."_

_"There was a case -" Olivia started to say, before Kat interjected again, "A case? A case was more important than your daughter receiving an award and going to high school? You promised you'd be there."_

_"And I wish I was, honestly." Olivia struggled to find the words, she knew Kat didn't truly understand the implications of what SVU entailed. She tried to keep Kat separate from work at times, but this time, she truly couldn't. "I was in the hospital, for 4 hours with a woman and her daughter who had been brutally assaulted."_

_"And you couldn't just get them to the hospital and then leave?"_

_"No, I couldn't do that." The eldest Benson replied, very matter-of-fact, "I don't just walk away from a victim, Kat."_

_"They're not your family," Kat blurted out, "None of them ever will be, they probably all forgot about you by now anyways."_

_"Kathryn Benson - " Olivia started, but was quickly cut off by her daughter._

_"You don't even care about your own family. You're always out trying to be a hero that you somehow just don't have time for anything else."_

_"That's not true, and you know it."_

_"Well, you know what else I know?" Kat asked, half-laughing, "That I hate you."_

_"You don't mean that," Olivia calmly responded, "You're angry, and rightfully so."_

_"I hate you," Kat repeated, "I truly hate you."_

_It was the first time Kat had ever voiced her hatred for her mother, and it got to Olivia more than she cared to admit. It took a toll on her, her daughter had called her out for all of her faults and proceeded to walk away like nothing happened. Little did her daughter know that Olivia had cried in the shower after their conversation, and downed a bottle of wine in the middle of the night. Kat never apologized, and Olivia never brought it up again. She just thought it would be better if they both moved on, instead of bringing up old wounds or fighting again._

"She's going to hate me," Olivia softly spoke, "if I leave."

"Kat isn't five years old anymore, Olivia." Elliot threw out his two cents, even though he knew he might get kicked out for it. He didn't care, because at this point, it was anyone's game. "She's almost out of high school, and on to college. She isn't blind, or deaf. She saw the news when you were taken by Lewis. She knows what he was capable of, she was the one who found your apartment a mess in the first place. She's dropped everything to take care of your every need since you got out of the hospital, and she isn't naïve to what you're going through. She sees you at your worst, and she's there when you think things can't possibly get any worse but somehow they do." He paused, looking over at his former partner, who was half-listening and half-staring off into space. Deep down, he knew she had already made a choice, but as an outsider, he had no idea which road she had taken. "Kat has had every opportunity to walk away from all of this. Throughout any part of this, she could have disappeared and left you in the dust, but she stayed. Despite everything, she's still around. She's a smart girl, Liv."

Olivia asked in disbelief, shaking her head in an attempt to understand, "She would really walk away from this?"

"Do you blame her for wanting to?"

"Of course not," Olivia sadly replied, "I'd want to walk away if I were her too."

"Let me ask you this," Elliot questioned, making direct eye contact with Olivia for the first time in an hour. "If Kat came home right now, and told you that she was done, what would you say? If she told you that she was in a sense, running away, what would you do? Would you ask her to stay? Would you prevent her from leaving?" He paused for a few seconds, before he asked his final question, "Or, would you let her go?"

Olivia was quiet, and withdrew a little further within herself. She truthfully didn't know how she would react, and she didn't know if Kat was actually planning on attempting this journey. She would be lost, without her daughter by her side. It had been the two of them since day one, and they both depended on each other immensely. Their life hadn't been easy, especially with Olivia's line of work, but somehow they had made it work for years. They had been each other's greatest cheerleaders, and biggest supporters throughout life's up's and downs. Olivia knew that if Kat left, it would be detrimental to her own well-being. She truthfully couldn't think of life without her daughter at least somewhat in it. "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Elliot questioned again, "If she came in here right now, and told you she was leaving. Would you ask her to stay or would you let her go?"

Exasperated, she responded, "What the hell do you want me to say, Elliot? Do you want me to have this grand speech to say to her? Or do you want it to be just as simple as an okay, go ahead?" She paused, still fiddling with the blanket fringe, "Do you honestly think that for a second I'd be okay with my daughter leaving right now? Do you see me? I'm a mess, I can't even keep everything together when she's here, so what's going to happen when she's gone? What's going to happen to me?"

"It was hypothetical, she's not really leaving." Elliot reassured her, "It was only just a question."

"It's a possibility," she paused, "that she'd really want to leave."

Elliot quickly brought it back full circle in one foul swoop, "Just like it's a possibility that you'd leave."

There was a long silence, and neither of them spoke for what seemed like ages. Elliot was waiting for the ball to drop, while Olivia was truly thinking about his previous question. He had brought his hand to his head a number of times while Olivia looked like she was gnawing a hole through the side of her lip. She was nervous, and this conversation had only made it worse. The subject matter was hard, and she was already emotional enough as it was but she was the one that broke the stillness in the living room, "I'd let her go."

"What?"

"I'd let her go," she repeated again, "I wouldn't keep her any more than she wanted to be here. I don't want her to regret staying to help her battered mother when she could be off doing what she wants."

"That's very noble of you."

"It's selfish is what it is."

Elliot questioned her, "Why is that selfish? You'd be giving her a chance to walk, scot free."

She started to tear up, "Because of how of much I'd want her to stay."

"You love her, there's nothing wrong with that." He softly replied, "She's your security blanket, someone who is always in your corner and it'd be hard to let all of that go so easily. I get it, Liv."

"It's easy for you to say, you're not the one facing the very real possibility that the one person in your family might actually walk away."

"Let me ask you this," Elliot asked again, "What do you think she would say, if you said you wanted to leave? If you needed to run away for a little bit, would she let you go so easily? Or would she beg you to take her with you?"

"She wouldn't be surprised," she softly admitted, "I'm sure she's heard me talk about it with Amanda, she just hasn't willfully admitted she has."

"So she knows how you feel?"

"I think so," she replied, "she's not dumb, you know. She hears everything, even the things that she shouldn't."

"Then why are you so scared to leave?"

"Really? Why am I so scared to leave?" She angrily asked, "Is that really what you're asking me?"

"Actually, yeah." He nodded, rephrasing the question, "Why is it so hard for you to admit the reason why deep down, you'd run in a heartbeat?"

"Because that's how I am, Elliot. After all these years, I thought you would have figured that out by now."

He sighed, "After all these years, I would have thought you'd trust me enough to tell me these things."

"Well, Elliot," she paused, "when you abruptly leave someones life without so much as a phone call, the trust factor kind of flies out the window."

"It always comes back to me leaving, doesn't it?" Elliot challenged, "Hell, you dying will probably come back to me walking away, right? Because Lord knows, you'd blame me for that."

"Go to hell, Elliot."

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm pretty sure I'm already there."

"You're a jackass, you know that?"

He continued to challenge her, "That's really the worst of what you want to say to me? That I'm a jackass who should go to hell? I've heard better ones from you, Liv."

"You want something better?" Olivia yelled, making direct eye contact for only the third time all night. Her voice was clear as day, "At least I'm not the one who shot and killed a teenage girl."

Elliot's face turned white, and his fists clenched in his lap. When he looked at Olivia, he was sure that she was about to cry at what she so willfully said just seconds earlier. The air in the room had changed from tension a few moments ago, to intense sadness. When he spoke, his voice was calm, with a steady layer of anger laced underneath, "That was low, even for you, Liv."

Olivia was the one who changed the subject, she was after all, a master at it, "You want to know why I would give up everything to run, and still wouldn't follow through? Is that why you came all the way out here to find out?"

He shook his head, "You know that's not true, Liv."

"Because he'd find me," she paused through tears, "even if I ran all the way to Timbuktu. William Lewis would kill everybody on this Earth if it meant I was the light at the end of his tunnel. There you go, there's your confession."

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**As always, I'd LOVE it if you'd leave a review! They make my day so much brighter! :)**


	50. Chapter 50

**So, since I last updated:  
**

**#1: Training for my half-marathon is going pretty good, I haven't died yet so that's a plus!**

**#2: Lifeguarding is going okay, I'm VERY happy to have 2 days off in a row (#blessed) - I was pulling CRAZY hours at the pool but now that it's all settled down, I can finally breathe again.**

**#3: If ya want to follow me on Twitter, I promise I'm super interesting and a cool person - have at it: fearLIZness17**

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He wasn't surprised at her confession, he knew that she was absolutely terrified to endure another ordeal as horrific as this. In all of the years he had spent at SVU, he had only seen Olivia become vulnerable a handful of times. He could count the number of times he had seen her cry on one hand, and if he had a dollar for every time she insisted she was fine, he could put all of his kids through college and still have money left over. After Lewis, Olivia had changed and to a point, Elliot understood why. Getting brutally assaulted and kidnapped by a sadist will ruin a person, and Elliot could see that just by looking at his old partner. She had lost the fire in her eyes, the spark that instantly came alive when she made eye contact with you. Now, there was a complete emptiness in those brown eyes he had come to know so well. Despite the fact that she had endured the worst experience of her life, Elliot knew that she was depressed. She was quickly slipping down a slope that ended in disaster, and he knew that there was only a short window of time left to get her back on her feet.

Olivia hadn't moved since Elliot had walked in the door hours earlier, her next dosage was coming up within the next hour and she could feel every ounce of pain running through her body. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that her mood had changed and that she had become very rigid. She knew it wasn't healthy to count down the minutes until she could take her pain medication, Olivia was by no means an addict, but it was the only thing that helped her get through the day. Her body language had changed significantly, and silence had come with it. She no longer initiated the conversation, she only sat there taking everything in. She had watched Elliot get up from the couch without so much as a word, her eyes following him until he disappeared into the back bedroom. She had heard rustling for what seemed like eons and she had every intention of yelling out for him to stop snooping, but she didn't have the strength to form the words necessary. He had returned minutes later, with two prescription bottles. He held them both up in the air towards her rigid frame on the couch, "I'm assuming you need to take these, right?"

"Mhm," she mumbled quietly.

He looked at the clock on the wall above the television, "What time do you need to take these things? Or did it already pass?"

She leaned her head back to rest on the couch, her eyes closing as she spoke, "In another hour."

"Liv," he spoke again, trying to capture her attention, "are you okay?"

"Mhm," she repeated again, her eyes still closed. She wasn't trying to avoid the question, she didn't want to over exert herself and end up doubled over in pain like the last few times.

"Nice try," Elliot quipped, "but you're clearly not, at all."

"You caught me," she replied as she slowly opened her eyes, turning her head slowly to meet his gaze. "You proud of yourself?"

"You're in pain," he surveyed her body language, "let me help you, Liv."

"By doing what? A magical spell?"

"Yeah, let me just break out my magic wand, I know it's around here somewhere." He joked, before he got serious. "Of course not, Liv. You have to take something, it's not healthy for you to sit here like you are."

"I can't take those pills for another hour, it says so on the label."

"You have to take something," he pushed, genuinely concerned for the amount of pain she was truly in, "Tell me what I can do to help you."

"Do you think an Advil is really going to help me?" She challenged, her head still turned as she glared at him, "Those pills could tranquilize an elephant, I have to wait it out."

He said her name once to start his sentence but she cut him off before he could even finish, "That's it, there's nothing more to it, so stop fighting me."

Elliot set the pills on the coffee table, before leaning back in the armchair. It wasn't terribly comfortable, he wished he was sitting on the couch next to her but he didn't want to impede on any boundaries. He didn't want to ruin the progress he had made with Olivia that day and he certainly didn't want to leave before he was finished talking. "How do you feel?"

"What?"

He asked again, "How do you feel?"

She sighed, "Do you really want to know?"

"Do you really have to ask that?"

"My wrist is throbbing," she slowly started out as she went through her laundry list of injuries, "My ankle went numb 45 minutes ago. Every time I move a muscle, the stitches feel like they're about to rip. They feel like they're pulling on my skin so I'm trying to stay as still as possible. My ribs are on fire, to the point where it hurts to breathe, let alone speak. The bruises on the lower half of my body are achy and these ones on my face are sore. The list goes on and on, Elliot."

"When did you start to feel all of this come back?"

"An hour ago, but things didn't start getting bad until thirty minutes ago."

He took things a step further, "And it's like this every day?"

She nodded carefully, as a single tear rolled down her face. She didn't have to speak for Elliot to know how much she truly hated her new found life. Instead of being consumed by paperwork at her desk at the precinct, her life revolved around pain medication. She never thought she would be the person who watched the clock as the minutes ticked down to zero, but life was full of surprises.

"You're depressed," Elliot came right out and said the very thing everyone around him had been thinking. "I can see it all over you."

She half-laughed, half-cried with her response, "Is it that obvious?"

"I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but yes." Elliot responded, taking into consideration her emotional state, he most definitely didn't want to offend her.

"Life's a bitch, ain't it?" She softly replied, retreating deeper into herself. She didn't want to open herself up to scrutiny but she knew she couldn't keep living the way she was. She knew Elliot wouldn't judge her for feeling the way she did, but she didn't know what memories would be brought back up in the impending conversation.

"You don't have to pretend with me here, Liv."

"I'm not your pity party, Elliot." She protested, "I don't need your puppy dog eyes staring at me right now."

"I'm trying to help you, the least you could do is accept the offer."

She hesitated, but eventually slowly nodded her head. "Fire away, my life is already up in flames anyways, what's a few more?"

"I'm not here to interrogate you, I'm not IAB or the FBI." He paused for effect, but to also make sure she was listening and not just pretending to save face. "I'm not Nick, Amanda, Fin or Cragen. I'm not a clueless Uni whose fresh out of the Academy either. I'm not Casey, Alex or Barba, nor am I Melinda. My intention isn't to make you upset, nor is it to have you yell at me. I don't want to make you cry, and I certainly don't want you to kick me out of here. I'm not even your partner, I'm your friend who cares, deeply about your well-being. I hate seeing you like this, and I want to help you, in any way that I can."

"So, what you're telling me is that you're trying to become my shrink? Because you're going to analyze every single thing I say in order to commit me?"

Elliot shook his head, "No, that's not what I'm doing at all." He knew that she was testing the waters, to see what she could and couldn't say. He understood that she was genuinely concerned about the conversation she was about to have, because he knew that she hadn't divulged any of her feelings like she was about to. Elliot knew that she was making sure that it was a safe zone, so that she could be free to speak her mind, and he didn't blame her. "I'm here as your friend, Liv."

She didn't protest, but it was obvious she still had quite a few reservations as she replied, "Fine."

Elliot brought out the big guns, it was a hard hitting question that had to be asked, "Have you ever thought about ending it?"

"What kind of question is that?" She was shocked that he even had the audacity to ask, "What kind of person do you think I am?"

He repeated himself once more, "Have you ever thought about ending it?"

Olivia was quick to respond, "No."

"You're telling me, that you haven't once thought about ending your life?" He pressed again, knowing that she wasn't being fully cooperative. He knew that she was just trying to give him the answer he wanted to hear instead of delving further into herself.

"That's correct."

"Liv," he sighed, "This is between you and me, no one else is going to ever know about this conversation, you have my word."

"What do you want me to say, Elliot? That I haven't thought about ending it all?" She paused, collecting her thoughts before she continued, "Or the fact that I've thought about it a few times?"

"I want you to say the truth, because that makes it all the more real."

"I've thought about it twice." She looked at him, "Are you happy now?"

"When?"

"Right after I beat up Lewis at the beach house, I was sitting there in that hallway for hours thinking about it. I thought it would be better if I ended it there, rather than enduring months of grueling physical, emotional and mental turmoil like I am currently." She remembered sitting in that beach house with the cell phone in one hand, and her gun in the other. Before she had even made the call, she had seriously contemplated using the last bullet in her gun for herself. Despite the fact that Lewis deserved it more than she did, Olivia couldn't shake the thought that she would be better off instead. She remembered how much her hand was shaking with the cold, metal gun in her hand and she remembered how much she cried when she slid her gun across the room. She remembered how terrible of a person she felt for thinking that she was able to leave her daughter behind like it was nothing, and then she remembered how much she had wanted to put Lewis away herself.

"And the second time?"

"Right before the rape kit. I thought if I ended it, I wouldn't have to lay on that table, my entire body exposed for the room to see. I thought it would have been easier to go through with it, than have to live with the notion that I ended up exactly like my mother. That no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't avoid the same fate that she had. The only difference was that she got pregnant, and I didn't." She remembered laying on the hospital bed, her legs in the stirrups while her eyes stared straight ahead into an empty abyss. She remembered squeezing Amanda's hand for dear life, and wishing that by some miracle, she would have died on the spot. She remembered the mumbling of the nurse and how truly out of it she was during the exam. She remembered being left alone in the room and wondering what cocktail of medication would be the fastest way to death. She cried when she thought about how low she had stooped and she sobbed when she realized how cruel life could be.

"In that sense, you have a few similarities with her." He paused, before reassuring her "You're nothing like your mother, Liv. You're so much more than she ever was, you fought for everything you ever had in life. You never took no for an answer, and you never spent your nights getting wasted at the bar down the street. Your character speaks volumes as to who you are, and who you will be. I don't know of anyone on Earth who will you tell you differently."

"Those two were the only times I ever put real thought into it, I promise."

"What do you think Kat would have done, if you went through with it? How would your squad have reacted?"

It broke her own heart to think about how her friends and family would have reacted if she would have went through with her thoughts, "Devastated, heart-broken, their worlds would end all because of one stupid decision of mine." She paused, reflecting on her thoughts and she knew she never would have gone through with it, but convincing the man sitting across from her would be the hardest task of all. "I wasn't going to go through with any of it, just so you know. They were just passing thoughts, reactions to the situation I was facing in that beach house and in that hospital."

"It's your life, Liv." He replied, "Thoughts are the most dangerous thing in the world."

"What kind of mother would that make me, if I ended my life in the middle of my kidnapping and subsequent torture? What kind of person would I be if I ended my life even though I talked dozens of women out of it on the job? I'd be a hypocrite, no one would take me seriously. My entire life would have been a lie, Elliot."

"If we're being honest, I would have done it, if I was in that beach house. I don't know how you're still doing this day after day."

"I told him to kill me, Elliot. On more than one occasion, I told William Lewis to shoot me. I wanted him to shoot me so that I could be numb. I wanted him to shoot me to put me out of my misery. I wanted him to end it for me, so that I didn't have to do it myself. If that makes me weak, so be it, but until you know the full extent of my nightmare or until you live it, you have no idea what it's like to want to die at the hands of someone else."

"You're right, I have no idea what it's like to be kidnapped and I definitely don't know what it's like to be tortured for three days." Elliot replied, "I have no idea what it's like to be you then, and I certainly don't have a clue as to what it's like to be you now."

She instantly challenged him, "Then, why does everyone pretend to understand what I'm going through?"

"Because they want to make you feel like you're less alone in this world, they want to sympathize with you because it's a natural human instinct." He shrugged his shoulders as he continued talking, "Sure, they feel sorry for you but feeling alone is something that no one wants."

A few tears had run down her cheeks, "Then why do I feel like I'm the only person in the universe who is going through this? Why do I feel so alone?"

"Because you are, every other victim Lewis got to, ended up dead. Believe me, if one of them was alive, I'd have them sitting right in front of you so that you could at least relate to a few pieces of their story." He looked at Olivia, who was trying desperately to keep it together for as long as possible, but all bets were off, "You feel like the entire world is watching you under a magnifying glass, you feel like your friends are walking on egg-shells because they're afraid of how you'll react to something they say. You feel alone because you're watching your entire life fall apart, and all you can do is watch. Loneliness is the most painful part of life, and I'm so sorry that you've had to experience so much of it in one lifetime."

"Try three lifetimes," she sadly replied, "I'm no stranger to loneliness, Elliot."

That statement cut right through his heart, he knew that Olivia had always gotten the short straw in life. With every romantic relationship she had ever had, it ended in heartbreak or the other guy walking out when things got hard. SVU didn't keep her warm at night, and it certainly didn't create any spark to her life. If anything, the cases got to her, more than they should have. She found herself becoming more immersed in each one, to the point where she broke her one promise to never bring them home. Elliot had made it a point to look out for her all those years he was on the force. He tried his best to keep her head above water and on the days he couldn't, he did whatever he could to be there for her. He was her punching bag, the man she yelled at for sometimes no reason at all, but most of all, he was her confidant. "None of this is your fault, and it might take a while, but I hope that one day down the road, you come to realize that."

"I'll be long gone before that day ever comes," she sadly replied, "I know that deep down, it's not my fault. That I didn't ask for Lewis to do this to me, but convincing myself of that is harder than one thinks. You're trying so hard, and I appreciate it more than you know, but right now, I just don't have it in me to do it. It's not what you want to hear, and I know that it's going to be hard for you to accept, but please, just let me do it on my own."

He knew that she was pushing him away, it was what she did best when things got difficult for her. He was no stranger to being an outsider, but clawing his way back in this time was going to be one of his most trying tasks. He was going to be there for her, for whatever she decided but until then, he replied, "One day you'll make peace with all your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat. And maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you and welcome you home. It's going to take a while, and recovery is a long road, but I know you have it in you to beat this."

"Then why do I so badly want to drink?" She asked, getting teary-eyed once more, she had been thinking about it all the time. She wasn't close to being an alcoholic, and she wasn't anything like her mother in that department but the thought had been ever-present in her mind.

He looked at her, making direct eye contact, "Because you want to forget." He saw the way her eyes hurt after he said it, and he knew that he was right. It was just like after the elementary school shooting years prior. She had that same look in her eyes when she sat on her bed at the end of the night, and she didn't even flinch when Elliot had gone into the back of her closet to retrieve the bottle of whisky. He knew better than anyone that it was a defense mechanism, to forget the atrocities she had seen or endured. He could count how many times it happened on three fingers, and he knew that there would be a fourth coming shortly.

"I don't want to be like my mother," she cried, "I don't want to end up like her."

"Olivia," he used her full name to grab her attention once more. "You, are nothing like your mother. If anything, you are the complete opposite of her. Never once in all the years I've known you, have I ever once said that you would turn out just like her. You're responsible, and caring, two attributes that she most definitely lacked. You've created a life, and surrounded yourself with good people who care about you and your daughter."

"Then why do I feel like her every time I drink anything?"

"Because you know how much it hurt whenever she chose alcohol over you." He paused, gauging her reaction, "No matter how much you drink, you will never turn out to be like her. I can promise you that." He saw how much she was shaking, and he knew that she wanted to drink. Elliot knew how unhealthy it was for her at this point in her recovery, but at the same time, he knew it would help her begin to heal. Elliot got up from the armchair he was sitting in, and once again walked back into the master bedroom. He found himself looking at the bottle of whisky, the same one she had hidden behind her dresses in the closet from years prior. At first, he was hesitant to retrieve it, but he soon found his hand wrapped around the neck of the bottle. When he walked back out into the living room, he saw that she was still crying, trying to wrap her head around the topics that were discussed.

"What are you doing with that?" She tearfully asked once she saw the bottle of whiskey in his hand.

He held it out to her, "I'm giving this to you, just for tonight. You can do with it as you please." He paused, as he placed the bottle in her lap gently, "I don't care if you throw it out your window to hear it crash on the street below, if you watch the amber liquid flow out of the bottle as you pour it down the drain or if you decide to drink the rest of it. I will sit here with you, for the rest of the night because I care. I love you too much to see you in pain, and I don't want to see you waste away. This is your one chance, to forget him for a few hours." He stopped as he saw her surveying the bottle in her lap, he knew she didn't know what to think but at least he was giving her an option. "It's your choice, and I'll still be here, for whatever you decide to do."

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**As always, I'd really love it if you'd leave a review - they make my day! :)**


	51. Chapter 51

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: I quit my job at the pool. It started out great, but slowly took a nose dive further and further down. They paid me really well but my bosses basically treated me and my coworkers like slaves. I gave them 3 months of my life, working around the clock. It was very bad, and by far one of the worst jobs I've had.**

**#2: Training for my half-marathon isn't going as planned. I've been nonstop working at the pool all hours of the day that I literally haven't gone running in two months, and my race is in just about a month - I either have to get my act together or back out, which isn't really what I want to do.**

**#3: I've been lifeguarding a lot of triathlons lately, and Sunday's triathlon was brutal. It was 118 degrees outside (I was there from 6am-4pm) and one of the participants had a grand mal seizure in the middle of a crowd of people. My best friend and I have never ran so fast in our lives to help the EMT's. The guy is okay, they took him to the hospital and he got released a few hours later. **

**#4: My best friend's boyfriend of over 10 years (they had been dating since they were 12) died last Wednesday morning from a car accident. He was driving on the interstate early Wednesday morning, he lost control of his car and it flipped once but his injuries were too severe and he died upon arrival at the hospital. It's very sad, and I spent most of my day on Saturday at her house, just holding her as she cried for what seemed like hours. Cherish the time you have with the people you love, you never know when it'll be cut short.**

**#5: I deeply apologize for how long it took me to update, I really didn't intend to disappear for two months without so much as an explanation. The updates should come faster now that I have more time on my hands.**

**#6: If you want to follow me on Twitter, please have at it - fearLIZness17**

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Her hand had been wrapped around the long neck of the bottle, her fingers picking at the wrapping as she thought about her next move. Before Lewis, she would imbibe on many occasions both celebratory and not. Out of all the members of the squad, her liquor cabinet had always been top notch and according to Munch, "always knew when to bring the good stuff out". Personally, Olivia had never been picky when it came to alcohol and never second-guessed herself once the lid came off. When she thought about it, she could count on one hand the number of times she had let herself go off the deep end. _The night before she graduated college, the night Mark told her he was married, the day after Elizabeth's funeral, and after the school shooting._ Her daughter had only seen her wasted twice, and Olivia instantly regretted both of those times the moment she saw the look on Kat's face before she ran into her room. Olivia had sworn off drinking when she was younger, based on what she saw from Serena. The abuse, both physical and emotional she suffered at the hands of her own mother was too much and vowed to never give her own child the same fate.

_Mark and Olivia had been dating for just over a year and a half, just about the longest relationship she had ever had with a man, romantically. They had met in a coffee shop a few blocks over from her apartment with Mark tripping, spilling his coffee everywhere in the process. It wasn't romantic at all, but as the days turned into months, they became quite close. The guys in the squad room were hesitant, to accept this new relationship but once they saw how happy Mark had made Olivia, they soon changed their minds. He would show up at the precinct unannounced with bouquets of flowers, or a card would show up with the mail with Mark professing his love. Showing up with lunch in hand was almost a daily occurrence, or treating the squad to a round at O'Shea's. He wanted to be liked, especially by Olivia's chosen family._

_On a number of occasions, Fin would take Mark on unofficial ride alongs just to talk about life and how things were going. They'd sit in the car for what seemed like hours, stopping only a few times for food. Cragen took Mark under his wing, treating him like the second son he never had. He was a frequent flyer at Citi Field, where Cragen held season tickets. They would compare notes on the latest trades and what was best for the team, despite the fact that neither were the coach. Munch took an immediate liking to Mark, especially for the fact that he shared a mutual love of conspiracy theories. Each had their own take on the JFK assassination and Area 51, constantly debating facts behind their thoughts. Then there was Elliot, who was skeptical for weeks on the so-called new guy in Olivia's life. He had seen the previous scumbags get their fill and walk away, leaving her in the dust wondering what happened. When Olivia introduced Elliot to Mark, they shook hands in complete silence. Elliot was sure that she had said something to Mark about him, but he didn't want to stir the pot. Instead, he played nice which just about killed him because he had a gut feeling that Mark wasn't all that he was cracked up to be._

_As the months went on, Elliot's suspicions had grown based on several observations about Mark. He never invited Olivia over to his house, only showing up at hers during all hours of the day and even late in the evening. Mark never discussed his parents openly or any of his past relationships, but constantly asked Olivia about hers. He was very secretive with his phone, immediately excusing himself whenever it rang. Although Elliot had his doubts about Mark's character, he never once raise his concern to Olivia herself. This was the happiest she had been in years, and that was good enough for Elliot._

_Olivia and Mark had done the deed multiple times, and it never phased either one of them at the possibility of pregnancy. A few weeks later, Olivia had skipped a period. She was exhausted, and nauseous constantly. She initially thought she had the flu, but upon leaving the doctor's office, her life had changed in just a matter of a half an hour. She had quickly called up Mark, telling him to meet her at the apartment. He didn't ask any questions, and when she walked in the door, he was already sitting on the couch, holding a glass of water. "Everything alright?"_

_She looked at him as she set her bag down on the counter, she didn't know how to start off the conversation let alone tell the man she had been dating for less than two years that she was pregnant. Her mind was racing, and before she knew it, he was standing in front of her, tucking a piece of hair behind her ears. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."_

_Olivia leaned into him, letting out a sigh. It had been a long day at the precinct and the news that the doctor had broken to her just an hour ago was a lot for just one person to take in. She was silent, before she quietly spoke, "I'm pregnant."_

_She could feel him tense up, and that's when Olivia withdrew herself from his embrace. She looked at him, her brown eyes filled with worry at his reaction. It was silent in the room for thirty seconds before he blurted out, "I'm married."_

_"You're what?"_

_"I'm married," he repeated himself, "I have a wife. I have two kids already, I can't do this with you."_

_Shocked was an understatement, Olivia was truly speechless at his confession. Her mouth was wide open, still never breaking eye contact with Mark. "And you never once just thought that doing this with me was wrong?"_

_"I'm sorry, I didn't think that it would get this far."_

_"Yeah," she said, cutting him off, "Yet you still led me on for almost two years. Somehow I think you did, and now you're leaving me high and dry."_

_"Liv, I -"_

_"Save it," she said, putting her hand up to stop him from talking. "After all this time, your wife never even once suspected you were having an affair? Or were you just too selfish to tell her yourself?"_

_She didn't even let him answer the question before she walked swiftly towards the front door to her apartment, holding it open for Mark to walk out. "Get out," Olivia said, clear as day. "Don't ever call me again."_

_He didn't protest, and soon walked out of the apartment completely to which Olivia slammed the door behind him. She was angry, but most of all, completely devastated. She was angry at herself for letting Mark into her life and for letting him be her knight in shining armor. She was mad that she let herself believe every word that he had said, every time he said he loved her when she knew now, that it was a complete lie. She was devastated that he got her pregnant and without a second thought, walked away like their entire relationship didn't matter. She was mad that his wife had no idea where her husband had gone in the middle of the night and Olivia was angry at the fact that Mark had no remorse for what he had done._

"He didn't know what she was going to decide, he didn't have a clue. He had placed the bottle of amber liquid on her lap going on an hour and she hadn't made any sudden movements since. He wasn't even sure she had heard what he was saying when he handed her the bottle but he still gave it to her anyways. Her tired eyes had watched his every move and were now stuck on the object that seemed to get heavier in her lap with every passing second. He knew there was a war raging on in that head of hers, and he knew that she had to be the one to decide for herself whether or not she was going to succumb to one of her mother's favorite vices.

Elliot couldn't remember when he had sat down on the coffee table in front of her, but he soon found himself surveying her. The bruises a deep shade of purple, the black stitches laced with an angry shade of red to the cast on her wrist and her ankle which wasn't looking any better but most of all, how she protected her broken ribs as if someone were going to charge her at any time. Her physical injuries were brutal, and it didn't take much for anyone's eyes to linger a little longer than usual. Elliot knew how badly she had fought, her injuries spoke to that, but her eyes wrote a different story. A story lined with tears and exhaustion as well as complete and utter emptiness. That spark of passion when she talked about something she loved, was gone. That fire in her eyes when she became so determined to fix a problem, had long since faded to black. The sparkle in her eyes that lit up any room she walked in had since been dulled. Olivia Benson was now a person who was just going through the motions of every day and she didn't have the will to initiate her desires, she was just an empty shell.

She hadn't spoken a word since she had asked Elliot what he was doing with the bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand an hour earlier. She had retreated so far into herself that she forgot that he was still sitting in front of her on the coffee table. She hadn't even flinched when he touched her arm, trying to get even the slightest hint that she was still somewhere in there. Her eyes were completely zeroed in on the liquid that slightly sloshed each time she took a breath.

_"I'm going to make you feel things," Lewis sneered, holding a wire hanger "that you've never felt before."_

_She was tied to the wooden chair in the middle of the living room, her eyes following his every move. Her hands and feet were bound with rope, restricting blood flow to her extremities. She had tried screaming, but they were muffled from the lone piece of silver duck-tape that covered her mouth. Lewis was standing in the kitchen, holding the hanger over the flame on the stove-top. "What are you, afraid?"_

_A lone tear fell from the corner of her eye, as she watched him turn around, the end of the hanger red as a tomato as he held it in his hand. She watched him smile as he saw her flinch with each step he took towards her, "You're ruining the surprise," he laughed, "It's not going to be very fun if you're acting this way."_

_She threw her head back as he lunged at her, the heat from the red hot hanger immediately searing her skin. Her muffled screams were long, and the tears steadily flew from her eyes as Lewis held the hanger against her skin for minutes at a time. "I've got more where that came from," he said, taking the hanger away from her skin, leaving an angry burn behind. He surveyed it, before pressing his fingers against it, laughing as he watched her squirm, "Didn't that feel good?"_

She squeezed the long neck of the bottle in her good hand, slowly lifting it up to her mouth. Her eyes downcast as she watched the amber liquid flowing towards her lips. The first sip burned, and Olivia coughed as she felt it slide down her throat. Her other hand, gently massaging her side as the pain in her ribs grew worse.

Elliot saw slight movement and watched the woman sitting in front of him finally decide on what she was going to do. It didn't surprise him, that she chose to drink. In the silence before, he had wished that Olivia had wanted to forget. He didn't know what was going to come next, but Elliot was glad that if even for the slightest moment, she was able to put William Lewis out of her mind, he had made the right choice in giving her the bottle of Jack.

_She had regained consciousness again to feel the cool metal of her own gun against her chin. Before she could even attempt to speak, Lewis raised it and slammed the butt of it against her cheek bone which sent a shock wave of pain to the surrounding area. She winced, knowing that it would soon turn a deep shade of purple. He laughed, "How did you like that? A decorated New York City Detective being beaten by her own gun."_

_Her throat was so dry it surprised her that she still had the ability to make a sound through the duck-tape. She wanted nothing more than to reach her hand up to touch the newly bruised area, surveying how badly the damage was, but she soon remembered that she was tied up. Her memory had been fading over the past few hours, she could barely remember where she was or how long it had been since she found herself staring down the barrel of her own gun. Lewis reached out his hand, resting it on her cheek. "Makes you wonder what else you'd like to have happen," he laughed once again, making direct eye contact with her. "Do you have any requests?"_

The second sip of the amber liquid went down easier, as she remembered how rough Lewis was with her when she was restrained in the living room. She had been so disoriented that she was surprised she even regained consciousness at all. The third and fourth sips felt like water, as it slipped down her throat and into her stomach. The alcohol was so smooth, that it took no effort for her to swallow at all. Drinking this bottle of Jack Daniels, to Olivia, was like greeting an old friend. She had said goodbye so many years ago after the school shooting and they had been reintroduced just a few short minutes ago.

Elliot hadn't said a word to her, he sat on the coffee table and watched as she put the bottle to her lips time and time again. She wasn't taking large sips, but ones just big enough to let herself lose control of the thoughts racing in her mind. He so badly wanted to scoop her up in his arms and whisk her away to a faraway place where Lewis couldn't find her, but reality soon set in when for the first time all night, Olivia made eye contact with him.

Her eyes were glassy, and through the deep shade of purple that surrounded both eyes, Elliot saw a terrified woman who was too far gone to go back on her decision. Olivia knew that drinking any type of alcohol when she was on this high a dosage of painkillers was terrible for her body, but every flashback pushed her to drink more just to try to forget Lewis for even a half of a second.

_"She doesn't even miss you," he chuckled, as he nearly jumped on the iron-frame bed. "I guarantee it."_

_Olivia shook her head, "You're wrong."_

_"Am I?" Lewis laughed, his eyes zeroing in on her brown ones. "If she really cared, she'd be here by now." He paused, letting that thought sink in. "It looks like it's just you and me, sweetheart."_

_"The entire NYPD is after you," she reiterated, "They're covering the whole state and beyond. You won't get off on this one."_

_He cocked his head as he stood up, looking down at Olivia who was laying on the bed, her arms chained to the iron-framed headboard. "The NYPD doesn't have anything on me." He said, slamming his fists into her ribs which knocked the wind right out of Olivia to which Lewis continued, "Nobody cares about Little Miss Olivia Benson, not a soul."_

She had long since stopped caring about letting the effects of the alcohol take over her body. The bottle still had a decent amount left in it, and she hadn't let up drinking yet. When she pressed the bottle up to her lips for the umpteenth time, Elliot had noticed that her entire body was shaking. "Liv, hey." He quickly said, leaning in towards her. "Liv,"

Olivia shook her head, holding her hand out to stop him. Her good hand wrapped around the neck of the bottle, as she shook her head again, mumbling, "M'fine."

Elliot didn't regret his decision, but he was more alert as he saw how badly she was shaking. He saw the long pauses she took between sips and knew that she was likely having flashbacks to a time that she felt incredibly helpless. In the current moment, he wasn't sure how to best help the woman who was slowly but surely on her way to hitting rock bottom. He had helped his mother out of the dark hole she dug herself, as well as countless others but the only difference was that he didn't have as strong a bond with them as he did with Olivia. Breaking him out of her thoughts, was the sound of crying and he knew instantly that Olivia was fully aware of what was happening. "Hey, hey. It's okay, I'm right here." Elliot said in the softest voice he could, letting her know that she wasn't alone.

She was softly crying, her eyes open but not focused on anything at all. She gathered whatever strength she could find within her and stood up, slowly but was now standing as she still clutched the bottle in her good hand. She turned to the left, and did her best as she hobbled a few steps towards the kitchen. With each step, came a new flashback of her time spent in the apartment with Lewis. _You're nothing but a complete waste of space. No one is looking for you. No one is mourning your disappearance. They're all glad you're finally gone, you weren't important enough for them. You're better off dead, anyways._

Olivia was soon sobbing as she doubled over, the pain in her body almost too much to bear. Elliot behind her, embracing her tiny but frail body. _Your daughter is happy you're missing. Your partner, is ecstatic to know that you died. All those years you spent together, he absolutely hated you. I'm surprised he didn't kill himself years ago after spending every waking second with you_. Her grasp on the bottle released as the sound of glass shattering on the floor filled the room, the amber liquid forming a pool on the hard-wood floor. Olivia all but collapsed on the ground, to a stunned Elliot who sat before her, surveying the scene that he had orchestrated. He started talking to ease her sobs and to fill the void, "I'm so sorry, Liv. For all of this." He paused, noting that he had sliced his finger open on a shard of glass and to clean it up after this was all taken care of. "I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I don't even know if I would want to," he stopped, immediately regretting what he said and trying to go back on his word, "Th-that came out wrong, I-I-I didn't mean it that way, Liv." Her sobs hadn't stopped and Olivia was curled up against one of the cabinets, withdrawing further and further away from the horrible world she seemed to be stuck in.

Elliot had reached out for her hand in an attempt to bridge the gap between the two of them but she flinched greatly to which he replied, "I'm not Lewis, it's Elliot." Hearing her cry louder just about broke his heart, Elliot knew that mentioning Lewis' name had started something within her head and he regretted it. "Liv, I'm right here, if you need me. I'm not going anywhere."

The alcohol had affected her mind greatly and Olivia felt like she was out of control. Her world was spinning every time she opened her eyes and Lewis' face was at the center of it all. She wanted no part of him, all she wanted was to forget for even a fraction of a second which seemed impossible, no matter what she tried. She could hear Elliot talking, but she couldn't make out the words and she wasn't sure she wanted to. Olivia fought hard when she felt arms wrapping around her body and went rigid when she realized that she was restricted. She heard Elliot apologizing for the thousandth time even though the sound of her sobs muffled most of his words.

"Relax, Liv." Elliot softly spoke, "Cry all you want, but please, relax." He was tired, and he knew that all of the bricks in her wall were crumbling into a thousand pieces as they shattered on the ground. But, Elliot still pressed forward, continuing to hold Olivia in his embrace as she spoke through her sobs. "J-j-just g-go."

"What?"

She reiterated herself again, adding. "T-th-this i-is me-me-messy."

The words hit Elliot like a ton of bricks, his heart breaking when he realized that Olivia was giving him an out, to leave again so she wouldn't have to endure the heartbreak anymore. "Liv, you know me better than that."

Through sobs, she spoke again, "G-go, n-now."

Despite her words telling him to leave, Elliot stayed put. "You're right, this is messy. I caused this, and I can't leave you here the way you are. I'm here because I want to be, because I care about you too much to walk away for a second time." He paused, watching her cries lessen. "Let me help you, Liv."

It had barely been two minutes when the door began to click, someone from the outside unlocking the door. Olivia had continued to cry, still enveloped in Elliot's arms as they both sat on the floor. She hadn't noticed who was now standing in front of them, and it didn't take long for Elliot to remember that Kat had to come back at some point from being with Amanda. The teenager's face had a look of complete concern as she saw her mother sobbing on the floor, glass and alcohol in a mess on the floor. A thousand thoughts were racing through her head as she knelt down on the floor in front of her mother and spoke hesitantly in the same way she did when she first saw her mother laying in the hospital bed, "Mommy?"

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**As always, reviews make my day. I'd really love it if you left one, letting me know your thoughts.**


	52. Chapter 52

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: I've gone to the beach, gotten 3 shades darker and gotten about a 100 more freckles (thank you to my Irish and Polish blood).**

**#2: I got a new computer, it's my first ever Mac and I LOVE IT!**

**#3: If you want to follow me on Twitter (please be my friend, send me a DM - I always respond!), have at it - fearLIZness17**

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The teenager's eyes were locked in on her mother who refused to even look up. There was a stillness in the air, despite the sobs that came from the elder Benson who was enveloped in the arms of Elliot who held a protective grasp on her frail frame. He had truly forgotten how long it had been since he had caught her from collapsing on the kitchen floor, and he didn't care because nothing else mattered. It didn't matter how much time had passed since she had pressed the bottle of Jack Daniels to her lips, it didn't matter how long it had been since he arrived at the apartment, and it didn't matter how long it had been since she had last seen Lewis. Olivia was a mess, in every sense of the word. She had managed to hold her own against Lewis during her kidnapping and subsequent torture, and she had survived long enough to be rescued and taken to the hospital. She had lived through the tentative exams upon arrival and had managed to strike up somewhat of a conversation with the young nurse Meredith but it was nothing that she really remembered now. The rape kit, was where everything began to seemingly fall apart. Olivia thought she could handle it alone, until her feet hit the stirrups and she lost it. When she was discharged from the hospital and took the first step into her apartment, she was hit with a flashback. Every time she looked around her apartment, she saw him but the scariest part of it all, was that she could still feel him. No matter how many showers she took, she still felt his hands on her body. She still felt his cool breath on her skin whenever he whispered in her ear and she felt his eyes beating down on her.

She had longed for someone to whisk her away from the life she was living, some would call it a nightmare but she never labeled it. Her squad tried their best to comfort her in times of need, but it was forced. Olivia never initiated it, and she hated the fact that her squad walked on eggshells around her. It killed her to know that every time one of them would look at her, all they saw was their guilt at not listening to their gut feelings when Lewis was weaseling his way out of everything. They brought her favorite foods with them when they to visit, and they always sat with her just long enough to know that she was doing the best she could, considering the circumstances. After their departure, Olivia would either pass out from the events of the day or she would just cry. Half of the time, it was over nothing. The other half, it was because they weren't who she truly wanted comforting her. She knew that the squad was doing their absolute best to all stay afloat without their most beloved member but it was also nothing compared to how it took maximum effort for her to even breathe. At first, Olivia had wanted to show up to SVU to shove it in the doctor's faces who said that she couldn't but that was before she was counting down the minutes to her next dosage of pain-killers. Now, she had given up the hope of even returning to SVU at all. She was deeply unhappy with the latest turn of events in her life, and she was filled with a feeling of complete emptiness. Despite the fact that Elliot had come back, and despite the fact that she still had her daughter, Olivia felt utterly alone in her fight.

_At five years old, she knew that she wanted to help people. At five years old, she knew that she wanted her life to mean something. She knew that she didn't want to be known as the daughter of a drunk, she wanted nothing more than to be recognized as Olivia Benson. She wanted people to know her name, and she wanted it to mean more than it did now._

_At nine years old, she wanted to be a cop. She wanted to take down the bad guys and she had wanted to be the hero in someone's story. She wanted to make a better life for someone that she had never met, Olivia thought that it would be admirable and a job that she would truly enjoy._

_At twelve, she came home from school after a career fair and had told her mother what her life's ambition was. Serena threw her head back and laughed at the thought of the meek little girl who was standing in front of her. She threw her hands up in the air and told Olivia, "You don't have what it takes to become a member of the NYPD. You won't even make it to college, if I have any say about it." Serena loved nothing more than to mock her daughter, especially when she had been drinking for quite a while. This was no exception, "The Academy won't even take you. I mean, look at you! You're weak, a good for nothing little girl with dreams too big." Olivia had protested, but as always, Serena had to have the last word, "You want to take down bad guys like in those cartoons you always watch. You're worthless, completely and utterly worthless."_

_At eighteen, she had graduated at the top of her high school class. She had worked three jobs to save up enough money for college because Lord knows her mother wouldn't throw a dime to the cause. Olivia didn't expect her mother to pay for college, especially after the conversation six years prior. She had carried the things her mother had said, and truthfully, they were the only motivation she needed. Olivia loved to prove her mother wrong, and after fourteen years of taking care of her drunk mother, she was done. She was ready for the never-ending verbal and physical abuse to stop. The bruises had stopped appearing on her body the second that Olivia became strong enough to overpower her mother. Her strength was enough to hold the door shut so Serena couldn't come in and it was enough to end her suffering for good. Now that she was old enough, Olivia had taken it upon herself many times to stop coming home on certain nights that she knew Serena was at the bar. She saved herself a lot of arguing, but there was always a thought in the back of her head as to what it would be like to come home and find her mother had succumbed to her addiction._

_At twenty-two, she had graduated college and had entered the Police Academy. She soared through tactical training as well as physical training. Olivia knew that she was destined to be a New York City Police Officer and she would stop at nothing to achieve her goal. She had ventured home a time or two during her stint in the Academy, and to no avail, her mother still harped on her for being weak. Olivia had long stopped caring what her mother had thought of her life decision and took all of the opinions with a grain of salt. Olivia was better than alcohol, and she had sworn it off as a young girl when her mother stumbled in late one night after a marathon binge at the bar down the street. Nineteen weeks after entering the Academy, Olivia graduated. She was officially a uniformed officer in the NYPD. During her graduation, she had scanned the crowd in the hopes of seeing her mother's face among them but she had no such luck. Serena, as usual, was a no-show in her daughter's life. _

_The NYPD had given her so much in her short stint as an officer, so much more than she had in the years spent living with her mother. Olivia didn't think she could get any happier in the NYPD until she transferred to Special Victims Unit in the 16th precinct. She knew that this was the job that was going to change her life with every case that walked through the double doors of the squad room. Her mother's story had been in the back of her mind as she looked into the eyes of every victim and Olivia knew that for those battered women, she was their hope. Olivia tried as best she could to speak the absolute truth, and in some instances, she promised a lot more than she could give. _

Her ribs had been tender all day, and the crying hadn't done her body any favors. In her clouded mind, it brought her back to the time when Amanda had last visited and Olivia had ended up vomiting in the bathroom for an hour. She was hoping that all of her crying wouldn't lead to that later on in the night. Her body had gone rigid when she had felt Elliot's around her, and it had only been a while before she realized that she wasn't back with Lewis. Olivia had only realized that she was in her apartment when she heard Elliot apologizing repeatedly for handing her the bottle of Jack an hour earlier. Her head had been spinning, and that's when she soon realized that she was drunk. She had wanted to vomit immediately, bringing her back to all the times where Lewis had forced it down her throat despite the fact that she had begged for water.

Olivia had tried to escape Elliot's embrace a number of times just out of sheer fear. She was in a very vulnerable state, and she had only ever let Kat see her like this before and even then, it was hard for her to let the teenager in. Now, she had completely fallen apart and she was barely handling her old partner's presence. Back when they were working together, she always had it in her mind that she could never show any weakness. She felt she constantly had to prove herself, despite her squads constant assurance that she was the fastest runner, most determined in the interrogation room and overall best member in the 16th. She would still show up to work when she was sick, still chasing after a perp despite the fact that she could barely breathe. She came to work when she was supposed to be on bed rest, and wanted to come to work the day after delivering her daughter. She came to work on her days off, and would show up at the precinct even when she wasn't on-call. Olivia lived for SVU, and her squad didn't fault her for it because she was the only person who could get through to every victim, even if each case was different from that of another.

_She remembered the very first case that she had cried over, and it was only a year into her stint at the 16th precinct. It had started with a Domestic call up in the Bronx to which the squad had quickly responded to, each member of the squad knowing how dangerous these types of calls were. It hadn't been the first time that a call like this was placed, but it had been a first time for the Jones family. Josh was a construction worker who had been taking away rubble at Ground Zero after the towers fell, and his wife Martha was a second grade teacher at a school a few blocks away from their 3rd story apartment. They only had one child together, a six year old little girl named Josie._

_By the time they had gotten to the house, Josh had pulled beaten his wife to a pulp, and had terrorized Josie just the same. Once the squad had determined that there was no weapons in the house, Fin was the one to take down Josh while Olivia rushed to Martha's aid. She was quickly whisked off to Mercy Hospital with critical injuries and Olivia then determined Josie's physical and emotional state of mind. The little girl was already sporting a black eye and various bruises down her arms and legs. Despite the fact that Martha was bleeding as heavily as she was, Josie was left black and blue. She was alert, and talking from the second that she saw Olivia come over towards her hiding spot in the back bedroom. "I-is my Mommy going to be okay?"_

_Olivia nodded, putting her best foot forward for the little girl, "I hope so. Can you tell me your name?"_

_"Josie," the little girl said, smiling, "I'm six."_

_"Would you like to come with me? We're going to take a little ride."_

_The six year old hesitated, before realizing that Olivia wasn't going to hurt her. She nodded, to which Olivia picked her up, placing her in the squad car before driving back to the precinct. Olivia had set Josie up in Cragen's office where she was now sitting on the couch, her legs dangling off the side. The Detective sat down next to the little girl, handing her a juice box before saying in the softest voice she could manage, "Josie, do you think you could tell me what happened tonight?"_

_"Daddy got mad." Josie said, matter of fact._

_Olivia nodded, agreeing with her statement. "Do you remember what made Daddy so mad?"_

_The little girl shrugged, "Mommy made mashed potatoes for dinner, but Daddy doesn't like them so he yelled."_

_"What did your Mommy do?"_

_"She said sorry," Josie said, "but Daddy said that he didn't want to hear it and he broke the table."_

_Olivia remembered that the table had been flipped, shattering the plates and scattering bits of food all over the floor. She looked at Josie, who was continuing to drink her juice. "Did Daddy say or do anything after he broke the table?"_

_Josie had recounted the entire ordeal, from start to finish. She had never shed one tear in the process, which broke Olivia's heart because she knew that Josie had grown used to her father beating on her mom. Even though the six year old couldn't quite understand the reasoning behind her father's anger, the world she had come to know wasn't fair. After two hours of talking to Josie and becoming a companion, Fin had called from the hospital with news that Martha had been too far gone to save her. Olivia had to figure out a way to tell the blonde haired, blue eyed first grader that her mother had died just minutes ago and that her father most likely wasn't going to be able to take care of her because he'd be put away._

_It was the hardest conversation Olivia had ever had up until that point in her short time at SVU. Josie had cried for what seemed like forever, and had clung to Olivia's shirt like her life had depended on it. Elliot had to come in and pry the little girl away from the brunette Detective when it came time for Social Services to intervene. Josie had fought anyone's embrace and had cried out for Olivia, her little voice echoing through the walls of the squad room as the social worker carried her towards the elevator. It was at that point when Olivia had excused herself from the situation and walked up to the cribs where she finally felt that she could let her walls crumble. She cried for the little girl whose world was just rocked with news that Olivia had to break. She cried at the realization that she very well could have been Josie with how many times Serena had beat on her. She cried for the victims that she had been with during their rape kits, and she cried for the ones whose lives would never be the same._

_The squad had never mentioned a word of the case after it had closed. They all knew that Olivia had taken it the hardest, and they knew that she had gone up to the cribs because she didn't want anyone to see her break. Elliot had wanted to go up to check on her after she had been gone for over a half hour but Fin stopped him, saying to give her some time and how the first case with kids is always the hardest. When Olivia had come down after forty-five minutes, her eyes were red and slightly puffy despite the fact she stood in front of the bathroom mirror waiting for the swelling to go down. Each member of the squad gave her a small smile as she walked past them, all remembering the first time they had all cried after a tough case. Fin, who had a soft-spot for Olivia had pulled her aside, "You did a good job, despite the fact that you feel so bad about what happened. Keep your head up, we've all been there, Liv."_

Her eyes were closed, and they had been for some time. For a moment, Olivia believed that they were swollen shut from all of the crying but she knew better. The alcohol had severely clouded her judgement and it had been toying with her mind since she downed the first sip. She had thought she was losing her hearing earlier but when she remembered that she was crying, she put it all together. She had recalled telling Elliot to leave, and though she couldn't hear his response, she could still feel his arms around her. She wasn't comfortable with any of it, and though her body wasn't as rigid, she had plenty of reservations to let herself completely go. She had been mumbling for a half hour, and Elliot was doing his best to reassure her that Lewis wasn't in fact in the apartment and that she was safe where she was.

When Elliot's eyes met the teenager, he felt like a complete idiot for what he had caused, and he was preparing himself for another one-sided screaming match. But before he could speak, Kat had rushed to her mother's aid, immediately kneeling in front of her as Elliot sat silently. Her eyes zeroed in on her mother who was still sobbing, the elder Benson's grasp tightening on Elliot's tear-stained shirt. Kat quietly questioned, "Mommy?"

Olivia's sobs were too over-powering to hear her daughter's voice, and Kat continued to kneel infant of her mother and Elliot. Kat's eyes were scanning around the room, noticing the smashed bottle of Jack and the amber liquid that had formed a pool not too far away. She looked back at Elliot, her heart sinking. "She's drunk, isn't she."

"Elliot nodded, "I'm sorry, Kat."

"Don't be." She sighed, "I was waiting for her to pull it out for a while now."

This is my fault, it shouldn't be on her." He said, his hand gently moving up and down Olivia's arm to try to soothe her as best he could.

"I don't blame you, or her."

He nodded, "I'm sorry that you came home to this."

"Me too," Kat sighed, "Despite how terrible this was for her, she needed it."

"She hasn't said a word in a while, she's just been crying."

Kat nodded, her hand reaching out to hold her mother's good one. "It's me, Kat." She paused, noting no change in her mother. "I'm here, it's okay."

Olivia didn't flinch her hand, and she opened her eyes slightly. Her brown eyes were red, and her face was completely tear-stained. Despite the fact that she wasn't close to being able to speak through her sobs, she looked directly at her daughter. A few tears had pricked at the edge of Kat's eyes as she spoke softly, "I'm right here, I know." She said as she was still holding onto her mother's hand, her thumb rubbing small circles on the back of it. "I know nothing I say will change any of this, and I'm sorry. So deeply sorry that it has to be like this." Kat wiped the back of her other hand against her eyes before speaking again, "I love you, and I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

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**As always, I'd LOVE it if you left a review - they make my day a little brighter each time I read one. :)**


	53. Chapter 53

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: I GOT A JOB! I'm a long term paraprofessional substitute (essentially a one-on-one/teacher's aide) in a special education classroom for a woman whose going on maternity leave in November. However, in the meantime, I'm just a daily substitute in the same elementary school. I'm VERY excited, I start on Tuesday!**

**#2: I got my wisdom teeth pulled a week ago and surprisingly, it wasn't as terrible as everyone makes it out to be. I literally don't remember anything from the physical surgery, those meds they give you are great! It's still not fun regardless but at least it's over and done with!**

**#3: Now that I have a big girl job, I've been trying to plan my dream trip to Europe for next summer. I have an entire list of destinations I'd like to see in various countries but if you have any suggestions, PLEASE tell me!**

**#4: I'm on Twitter, and I live-tweet every Wednesday but if you want to be friends (I'm nice, and funny, I swear) or just say hi, come find me: fearLIZness17**

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A week had passed since the teenager had found her mother huddled on the kitchen floor in a puddle of Jack Daniels and her own tears. It hadn't been an easy seven days, by any means. Although Olivia hadn't shut down completely, she was still living in almost silence. She had barely spoken a word since she had downed the bottle of whiskey in record time. Her life had come down to a series of head nods and whimpers, a language that Kat had become increasingly adept at deciphering. Most of Olivia's day was spent sleeping, or laying in bed which was nothing new to the Detective or those around her. When she did did emerge from the back bedroom, it was to pour herself a glass of water; a small gesture that let Kat and Elliot know that she was doing the best she could. To outsiders, it might have looked like little improvement had been made since Olivia left the hospital but the baby steps were there nonetheless. She now walked unaided, albeit with a slight limp. She no longer had the severe headaches from the concussion she sustained at the hands of Lewis. Although her stitches were still visible, they didn't look as angry as they did before. The deep bruising on her face had lightened ever so slightly, a small sign of healing on a long road to recovery. Her ribs were about the same, and still caused stiffness and pain.

The apartment was stocked with every kind of meal imaginable, from noodles and chicken to pizza and fries. It never seemed to stop coming in, and if any well-respected member of New York's finest got injured, food was a guarantee. Olivia was thankful that so many people cared about her and her daughter, but she still didn't have the energy to eat. She knew that she had lost a significant amount of weight ever since Lewis put her in the hospital but as hard as she tried, she just wasn't hungry. Kat had done her best to keep Olivia eating, even if it was just a few crackers here and there but the weight just wasn't coming back. They both knew it was a process, and they took it day by day.

Elliot, however, was a different story. He hadn't let Olivia out of his sight the entire week. Some would call it hovering, and deep down, he did it because he never wanted to see Olivia alone in her fight. Despite all of the times she would insist she was fine, he knew she wasn't and had faithfully stayed by her side anyways. There were nightmares, and flashbacks with tears that soon followed. Elliot had held her, and his heart would crack a little more each time she had whimpered his name. She had called out for her daughter, and when that wasn't enough, Elliot was there. With some encouragement, he was the one who could get her to eat a full meal. Although he did most of the talking, she didn't mind because it was a welcome distraction from her own thoughts. Elliot was one of her biggest motivators, and on a rare occasion, he could pull out a smile from her that lit up the entire room. Despite the fact that there was so much progress being made, Elliot couldn't help but think about the man that put Olivia in this position. It angered him to no end that someone so evil could almost kill a decorated Detective and although Elliot would never tell Olivia himself, he had wanted to sit face to face with Lewis.

He had left Olivia in the care of Kat, simply stating that he was going to talk a walk to clear his head of the events in the past week. It was a simple request, and he knew that Kat had suspicions as to what he was doing but she didn't let on otherwise. He had driven the fifteen minutes to Bellevue and was met by an old friend from his days in the Marines who was now security at the facility. There was quite a bit of small talk, before Elliot cut to the chase about his intentions, "Jack, I need to see him."

"He's under 24-hour watch, with a strict no visitor policy. He's got eyes on him from all angles, Elliot."

"Please," Elliot said again, "Give me an hour with him, that's all I need."

Jack had gone back and forth in his mind for a few minutes about whether or not to let Elliot sit with Lewis. He picked up his walkie, radioing to his partner to meet him in a conference room with Lewis before finally looked back at Elliot, nodding, "Follow me."

The two had meandered through hallway after hallway before they came to a room in the back corner of the building. Jack put his hand on Elliot's shoulder, "Look, I know why you're here and I respect that. I saw the whole thing unfold on the news, and you have to understand me when I say he's dangerous." He paused, before he continued, "He's going to do everything he can to get under your skin and you're going to want to lash out at the things he says to you. Hell, I know you're going to give him that mean right hook of yours and I'm going to look the other way while you do it. He deserves all of it, and more but please, be careful man."

Elliot nodded, before he went inside the conference room. His eyes locked with Lewis, whose hands were cuffed to the table and his feet were cuffed to the chair. He was sporting a bright orange jumpsuit, and more than a few bruises across his face. Elliot was surveying the scene before Lewis started laughing from across the room. "Well, well, well," he sneered as he watched Elliot sit down across from him, "would you look at what we have here?"

"Do you know who I am?"

Lewis mocked Elliot word for word, "Do you know who I am? What kind of question is that?"

"Forget it," Elliot said, before quickly changing the subject, "I know exactly who you are."

"Did your precious Olivia tell you all about me?" Lewis laughed, "She's a beauty, that one."

"I know everything you did to her, you sick son of a bitch."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I want to hear it from you," Elliot quickly replied. "every detail, I want to hear it straight from you."

He laughed again, "Well, you sure came to the right place for that. Where should we start?" He asked himself, "Do you want to hear how disturbing it would be to make such a fine, cultured woman like that scream out in agony as her skin is branded? Coat hangers, car keys, house keys, cigarettes. Each making a permanent imprint of that sun-kissed skin of hers. Or do you want to hear about how she cried like a damn baby when she realized no one was coming to save her?"

"Why her?" He asked, "Out of the 8.4 million people in the city, why her?"

"Why not her?" Lewis sneered, "She was perfect. Fit all the right criteria."

"Criteria?"

"She was obsessed with me, you should have seen her." He laughed, "She had it for me from the get, she couldn't wait to get her hands on me."

"See, that's where you're wrong."

"Am I?" He paused, "Or did she lie to you about our rendezvous together? I don't know why she'd want to, she had a ball."

Elliot slammed his hands against the metal table, "She didn't ask for this, you bastard."

Lewis held his hands up and grinned, "She tell you that? What if I told you that she asked me to tie her up? Or that she'd willingly lie to everyone so we could play out our little soiree?" His eyes zeroed in on Elliot, who was getting more and more frustrated, "Well, would you look at that, your precious Olivia isn't who you think she is. She has desires, for things that you can't seem to give her."

"I was her partner -" Elliot started, before Lewis cut him off and continued in a mocking tone of voice, "For twelve years. Jesus, you think I don't know that already? She made that very clear from the start. But see, I already knew who you were before our party."

"You don't know a damn thing about me," Elliot barked back, "you don't even know me."

"Kathy," Lewis smiled, and continued listing off names, "Maureen? Kathleen? Lizzie? Dickie? Oh, and the little one. What was his name again?" Lewis laughed before finishing off, "Eli, yeah that's right, Eli."

"My wife, and kids have nothing to do with Olivia and you know that."

"You mean your ex-wife, right Elliot?" Lewis paused, mainly for effect. "Such a shame you couldn't carry a marriage because you were in love with Olivia."

"If anyone has anything for her, it's you. You clearly have some infatuation with her, for a reason I'm not quite sure of." Elliot said, very matter of factly, "Is it because she was lonely? That you thought she spent too much time involved on your case so you went after her? Did she remind you of Texas? Or Alabama? A girl you used to date back when you were 16?"

"Olivia, as you very formally call her is a perfect example of a woman who needed my help. She needed my help to get to her true potential, it's a shame she had such bad luck before we met. I mean, how could she possibly realize who she was with a kid in tow? It was terrible, I really felt sorry for her."

"No, you're the aggressor here." Elliot replied, "You sought her out, and forced her to do the very act that she deals with on a daily basis. This isn't on her, this is on you."

"I think you're mistaken here, Mr. Stabler." Lewis stated, "Olivia sought me out. Why else would she force herself to be the leading detective on a case such as mine?"

"Because you're the scum of the Earth that doesn't ever deserve to see the light of day."

Lewis laughed, "Thank you, for those kind words. However, I believe you're putting words in my mouth because after all, I'm innocent until proven guilty." He paused, "Being a former Detective, I would have thought you knew that but I was wrong."

"You actually think you're going to walk on the charges you have against you?" Elliot stated, in complete disbelief. "Wow, you must really be insane to think you're going to make it out of this alive."

"Thanks to our beloved justice system, I have the right to a jury and a free trial, do I not? You spent a fair amount of time in court, Mr. Stabler so I believe that you know all about our legal system."

"The jury would have to be comprised of idiots to let you walk out of that court innocent, and I personally, will make sure that won't happen."

Lewis smiled and set his hands in his lap, "I do believe that you have a personal connection to this particular trial, so you won't be sitting on the jury."

"I don't think you understand how much you destroyed her. She'll never be the same after all the things you did to her."

"I saved her." Lewis smiled, "Her existence would have been nothing without me in it. She asked for it from that almighty God of hers, and she got exactly what she wanted."

"No!" Elliot yelled, his fists once again slamming against the cold, metal table that separated the two of them. "She did not pray to be tortured, nor did she asked to be beaten within an inch of her life. You prey on the weak, and that's the sickest thing you can do in the eyes of God."

"We got ourselves a self-righteous son of God, don't we?" Lewis laughed, "Watch out world, Elliot Stabler knows all! Let me call the Post, this would make a great front page story. I can just see it now, Prince Charming swoops in to save his beloved Damsel in Distress. A true New York fairy tale, isn't it."

Although Elliot wanted to reach across the table and beat Lewis to a pulp, he restrained and asked, "Aren't you even concerned about what might happen to you?"

"As you so faithfully put yours, I put my faith in the hands of God." Lewis mocked, "Because really, only he knows. Am I right, Mr. Stabler?"

"Do you even care about her?" Elliot paused, "Have you even thought about her for a fraction of a second?" He looked straight across the table into the Beast's eyes and continued, "You know, it's a miracle, that she didn't kill you when she had the chance."

"Now that wouldn't have been as fun, would it?" He fiddled with the handcuff chains around his wrists, "It's so much more dramatic that I'm still here, really speaks to the whole fairy tale aspect of it all, doesn't it."

"You almost killed her, and that doesn't even seem to phase you in the slightest." Elliot thought aloud, all while trying to wrap his head around Lewis and his intentions. "Do you understand what you did to her? Do you know how it's going to affect her for the rest of her life? She'll never be the same."

"Poor Olivia, baby Olivia doesn't have a leg to stand on anymore. Olivia this, Olivia that. Jesus, you really are just as in love with her as she said." Lewis said disgusted, "God that was the saddest speech I ever heard, she should have cut you off when she had the chance but I guess you did that part for her."

"The reason behind my departure is none of your business," Elliot struck back with a vengeance, he really wasn't sure how much longer he could keep his anger at bay before he completely lost it. Jack had been right, and it was taking everything in Elliot to not strangle Lewis with his own two hands.

Lewis grinned, knowing that his next attack was going to be particularly satisfying. "Jenna, right?"

"What?"

"That teenage girl you shot," Lewis replied, half laughing. "her name was Jenna."

Elliot knew that this was another tactic of the Beast and he wasn't going to give it the time of day. The only person he cared about was Olivia, and Lewis could dig deep for every insult he could but Elliot wasn't going to take the bait. "She told you to kill her, so why didn't you?"

"It's called cat and mouse," he said as he raised his hands to rest on top of the table. "the mouse is a toy, completely at the cat's leisure. Just when things are getting bad, the mouse will do absolutely anything to survive even if it's begging for their life."

"So you weren't going to actually kill her, but just make her think she was going to die?" Elliot asked, feeling like he just figured out Lewis. "That's so twisted."

Lewis saw right through Elliot and came back with a vengeance, "Look at you, thinking you have me all figured out. Well, Mr. Stabler, you have another thing coming. This game of cat and mouse isn't over until the cat says it's over. You think you know me, but you have no idea what I'm capable of in the slightest."

"I know a lot of things about you, Lewis." Elliot replied, "I know that you treat women like animals. You don't even see them as the beautiful humans they are, and you treat them with a level of disrespect I've never seen in anyone else. It's quite honestly deplorable, and on judgement day, I can tell you with certainty that you'll pay for your wrong-doings.

"I would think you knew that there's two sides to every story but once again, I thought wrong." Lewis sneered at the former Detective. "You should really brush up on those skills you learned in the Academy, you've lost your touch."

"You're a pitiful excuse for a human being," Elliot yelled, "You're going to rot in hell for the sins you've committed against her and all the others before her."

Lewis stayed calm, and didn't even bat an eye at the comments he was hearing from across the table, "You're just like her and the rest of the NYPD, you clearly have a vendetta against me for a reason, I'll never know. Why are you here, Elliot? Are you looking for redemption for leaving her after your twelve years of partnership? Are you fulfilling your own hidden agenda? Are you trying to save her? Become the father her own daughter never had? Or are you trying to make up for the fact that you weren't the one she called from that house?" He paused, while looking Elliot up and down in the process. He knew he struck a chord and he was creating the silence to prove a point, "Which is it, Elliot? Because you sure as hell know why I'm here."

"I know what you did to her." Elliot replied, completely avoiding answer the questions Lewis had asked him.

Lewis quickly replied, "Do you, Elliot? Because you've been saying that since you walked in here, but I've never heard you say what I supposedly did. Do you really want to know what I did to her? Or do you just want to sit there and believe whatever fairy tale she put in your ear?" As the room fell silent, Lewis continued, "Do you want to hear how I tied her to the bed? Now I know you're thinking I tied it too tight, but not to worry, there was still just enough room for a struggle. Or do you want to hear how I duck-taped her mouth so she wouldn't scream. Oh I know, what about how she was so dehydrated that she couldn't cry anymore. It was a shame, really. Do you want to know how she tried to tell me that the entire NYPD was going to bust in her apartment to kill me? Or, I could tell you about how she told me her daughter was going to come after me because apparently a seventeen year old girl is such a threat to me." Lewis laughed at the thought of it, "What if I said that in the beginning, she said she'd do anything but by the end, what if I told you that she begged me to kill her. Or that she practically pointed the gun in her own mouth and told me to pull the trigger, huh? Which one do you think I enjoyed more?" He was staring straight at Elliot, who was sitting intently listening to each hypothetical but was becoming furious below the skin. "Do you want to hear how she was alone with me for all that time? How she did things she never expected to do, things she never even dreamed of doing with her fingers and her mouth. Or what about how when she thought she was going to die, she would be thinking of you because even after all those years, she still loved you. What a surprise it was to her when she realized that you never cared about her -"

Elliot had heard enough, and he lunged across the table. His hands wrapped around Lewis' neck, his grasp becoming tighter and tighter. "I don't ever want to hear you talk about her like that, do you hear me?"

Through clenched teeth, and a gasping breath, Lewis taunted Elliot, "Go ahead, Detective. Do it, I want you to."

"You asked for it," Elliot said as he releases his grasp on Lewis' neck, before quickly raising his right fist. "But this is going to hurt so much worse."

"I dare you," Lewis laughed as he felt Elliot's fist meet his lower jaw, "Kill me, it's what you want isn't it?"

The former Detective had heard more than his fair share of the Beast and continued swinging, There was soon blood flowing out of Lewis' face, as well as Elliot's knuckles but that was a small price for the increasing satisfaction of punching the Beast. Elliot had given one last go at Lewis before turning around and walking towards the door to be released. "You think you've put people through hell? Judgement day is just around the corner, it's going to rain back down on you."

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**As always, I'd love love love it if you left a review. :)**


	54. Chapter 54

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: My job is AMAZING! I'm a paraprofessional in an elementary school, and for those of y'all who don't know what that is, I'm a classroom aide. I work in first, second and third grade but I do occasionally sub for other grades too when a teacher isn't in the building. I have never had a bad day, and I absolutely LOVE going to work everyday - it's so rare to find a job like that in the world today, I'm very lucky.**

**#2: In addition to working all day, I babysit at night which is essentially a second job (a tax-free one!). I really do love it, and I'm lucky that it's right next door to my house!**

**#3: I'm officially spending Thanksgiving in North Dakota. If you live there, or know of any good places to eat/see, let me know!**

**#4: I'm still trying to plan my dream trip to Europe, and I'm hoping to go this summer. Having a steady income is nice because now I have something to base my trip off of. If you have any suggestions of places to go or visit, PLEASE let me know! **

**#5: If you want to follow me on Twitter, please do: fearLIZness17**

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Ever since she came home from the hospital, she had never been able to sleep like she used to. Tonight, was no different. She had been drifting in and out of consciousness for what seemed like hours. Her night had been filled with tossing and turning as the hours ticked by. Her body was constantly exhausted, but her mind had always been a different story. It never shut off, and memories she thought she erased long ago, had come flooding back. It was rare that she thought about her mother, but it seemed like Serena was always at the forefront of her mind. And when it wasn't Serena, it was Lewis. She didn't think that she would ever be able to completely erase him. She'd always be tied to his name and her face would always be plastered next to his in the papers or on television. She could picture the Uni's in the squad room whispering as she walked by just like they had in years prior and she could see herself walking down the street, getting recognized by a stranger for what they saw on the news. Olivia knew that the majority of her life moving forward would be like living under a microscope, and it was a bitter realization.

On the other hand, Kat had only recently started sleeping in her own room again, a small stride of progress but a welcome one at that. Before, she had resorted to the couch or had somehow found her way into the back bedroom. Olivia knew that she only wanted to be close to her, and she didn't put up a fight. Kat had been through enough, and the last thing Olivia had wanted to do was destroy her daughter's sense of security. She wasn't as nervous about her life as she had been before, and she didn't hover around her mother as frequently. Although Kat wasn't back at school quite yet, she had been excelling in the homework her friends brought by. Slowly but surely, the teenager was making small strides to regain a sense of normalcy.

And then there was Elliot, a welcome distraction, but even after all these years without his presence, Olivia was still hesitant to fully open up to him. Before she had tried to fall asleep, he had mentioned going for a walk to clear his head but that was hours ago. Olivia knew that he was hurting and it didn't take a rocket scientist to see it all over his face. He felt guilty for leaving her when he did, and certainly for not coming back sooner. The conversations that occurred were deeper than she had ever pictured them to be, and she knew that he hated how injured she truly was. Olivia had thought she heard the door to the apartment open, and when she called out his name, there was silence.

Olivia slowly got up out of her bed, pulling on the NYPD sweatshirt that was a size too big. She had acquired it years ago, the same day of the Emily Collins case. She had found herself sitting on the beach looking out at the waves, avoiding the inevitable. She didn't want to be the parent that brought the job home with them, she had made a vow to herself early on that she wouldn't. The air had been crisp, just enough to make her feel numb, something she had craved that day. She remembered Elliot had followed her, and somewhere along the way, his sweatshirt became hers. He had never asked for it to be returned, and Olivia had always felt great comfort in wearing it in the years after he had disappeared. She made her way down the hallway, cautiously preparing herself as to what she would find. Images of Lewis had flashed in her mind, and despite her fears, kept walking.

"Elliot?"

Silence.

"Are you here?" She asked, as she made her way towards the living room. Olivia turned the corner, and saw a figure, sitting motionless on the couch. When she moved a few steps closer, she realized it was Elliot. His head was in his hands, and he didn't look over at Olivia as she made her way towards him.

As she bent down, she felt a few pulls in her ribs, which were slowly healing. Olivia reached out her hand, placing it on Elliot's arm as she whispered his name. He flinched, but didn't say a word to the woman sitting in front of him.

"What happened?"

His face was ghost white, and his eyes were glassy, a sign he had been holding back his emotions as best he could. He was wearing the same clothes he had left in, a grey pullover and a pair of faded jeans. The only noticeable difference, was that there were small blood stains on the sleeves of his sweater. Elliot shook his head, knowing that he wasn't quite ready to divulge where he had spent the last six hours.

Olivia's eyes were darting all over him, from top to bottom and everywhere in between. This was not the same Elliot that had left the apartment earlier the day before, and she had only seen this version of him once before. It hadn't been pretty and even though she was on the case with him, it took a long time before Olivia even got the full story. They had picked up a girl, Lauren, in Queens who was virtually on death's door, thanks to her boyfriend. She was terrified that he would come back to finish her off and she couldn't calm down because of it. Elliot had immediately taken her under his wing, and was the only one who was able to get through to Lauren. He promised her that she would never see her boyfriend again, and sat with her in the hospital just to make her feel safe. He didn't have to, but he did because Lauren reminded him of his own daughters. Everyone in the precinct had their case that they never forgot. For Olivia, it was the elementary school shooting. For Fin, it was the day his son walked through the door as the victim of a hate-crime. For Munch, it was the conflict he felt when he had to testify against a good friend. For Amanda, it was not going with her gut when she brought Lewis in. For Cragen, it was the times he let alcohol take over. And for Nick, it was every veteran that walked through the squad room doors.

The more Olivia looked at Elliot, she realized that the blood on his sweater was coming from his knuckles and she questioned him again, "Elliot, talk to me."

He shook his head again, and brought one of his hands up to his face. The blood on his knuckles hadn't clotted and was dripping onto his jeans, he was becoming a mess.

Olivia took her good hand, and placed it on the side of his face, willing him to make eye contact with her for the first time since she knelt down. She quietly spoke, "Please, let me in."

Elliot leaned forward, enveloping his arms around Olivia's frail body. He held her just as he had in the hospital after Eli was born, his hands pressed onto her back as if she was going to slip away from him at any second. It was an unexpected gesture for Olivia, but she did the best she could with it. She began rubbing small circles on his back with her good hand as she stayed silent. Elliot absorbed every breath of hers, every beat of her heart, and every slight movement she made. It was then, when the tears finally came.

She pulled back ever so slightly, and brought her good hand to his chin, lifting it up once again. When she looked in his eyes for a second time, she saw an emptiness to them. The eyes that had given her so much comfort, were now full of anguish and torment. It was then, that she realized he never went for a walk.

He quickly wiped his eyes, leaving a streak of blood behind on his cheek. He never broke eye contact with her, her brown eyes were the only things keeping him on Earth. She brushed her thumb underneath his eye, wiping away a tear and through pursed lips, gave him a look of sympathy before she spoke, "You went to see him."

"It was horrible, Liv."

Olivia nodded, agreeing completely with his statement. "What happened, El?"

"He confessed, to everything."

She froze, at the realization that Elliot had to hear Lewis' side of the story. She could imagine all of the choice words that were thrown around, as well as the wretched details of her torture. Olivia kept pressing him to speak, "Talk to me."

"I started walking, you know, at first." He paused, "But then, I found myself in the car, driving to Bellevue."

"You didn't have to," she softly said before he cut her off, "I did. I had to see for myself. I had to hear it from him. I had to sit in front of him and listen to every detail as to why he did what he did and how he did it."

"He's under 24-hour surveillance, El."

"When I was in the Marines," Elliot said, before sadly stating, "God that seems like so long ago now." He paused, "After I got discharged, he and I went our separate ways. I went into the Academy and he went into security. I only recently found out he worked at Bellevue."

"And he let you in," Olivia sighed. "El -" she started before he cut her off again, "I know what you're going to say, and before you say it, I want you to know that it's okay to be mad at me. It's alright if you think I'm a horrible person for giving him five minutes, let alone six hours. It's okay if you're going to yell at me, because I deserve it." He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I broke the law, and if I go to jail because of it, that's okay too. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for what it was going to be like to sit in front of him. Not the Marines, not the Academy, and not even the years I spent undercover. "

Olivia hesitated, not sure if she wanted to know what Lewis had said to Elliot. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear the excruciating details of what she had worked so hard to forget, but she asked anyways, "What did he say to you?"

"Anything he could to get under my skin," Elliot stated, matter-of-factly before his voice shook a little bit. "And it worked." She gently squeezed his hand with her good one, a silent gesture of support to keep going. "I just wanted to know why. Why he picked you, out of the eight million people in the city of New York. That's it, that was my reasoning. Just, why." Elliot remembered the way Lewis played on his emotions and constantly redirected the conversation to what he wanted to talk about. How Lewis would play the victim, and turn the conversation back to himself. "When I said that you had never asked for this to happen, he thought otherwise."

She sighed, knowing that Lewis had told Elliot that she had asked for everything. "He'll never understand, what this feels like."

Elliot shook his head, before changing the subject. "He knew things, Liv."

"What?"

"My kids, Kathy, Jenna, my dad." Elliot stated, "Liv, he knew about my mom."

"He's manipulative," she quietly stated, before confessing, "but, he knew about mine too."

Elliot put two and two together, "You were his target, he knew who you were before he got to Manhattan." He sighed at his realization, "This was pre-meditated, wasn't it."

Olivia nodded, her lips pursed together as she willed herself to stay composed, "I couldn't tell you, before."

"When did you find out?"

"Right after I got out of the hospital."

"Who told you?"

She sighed, "Cragen, he came over a few times to check on me."

"Does Kat know?"

Olivia shook her head, "I didn't have the heart to tell her."

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

She hesitated, and broke eye contact with him before shaking her head. "I'm sorry, El."

"I get it," he simply stated. "It's okay."

"But can you blame me?" She asked, looking up at him, unshed tears filling her eyes. "How could I have told you? There was never a good time." She stopped, and she saw that he was slightly shaking. She knew that this small piece of information was killing him, "I see the way you look at me. I see the way you survey my injuries and I see the way you cringe when I cry out in pain. I see how scared you are when you step into the back bedroom because you aren't sure if I'm still alive. When you're trying to calm me down in the middle of a flashback, I hear your heart stop. I know you want to fix me, I know you want to take my pain away and I commend you for it. I know that you would go to the ends of the Earth for my sake, and I applaud you for trying." She paused, again before continuing, "I didn't tell you because I knew it would kill you. Knowing that he picked little old me out of a crowd of eight million would destroy you. Knowing that he researched everything there was to know about me, would kill you. Knowing that he probably stalked me for months before he got caught, would kill you. But most of all, knowing that you weren't here to stop it would be the one thing that would send you to your grave. I didn't tell you, because I wanted to protect you. You already felt guilty enough, I didn't want this to send you further down your rabbit hole."

"This stuff matters to me. You matter to me, Liv." Elliot started, "I don't want you to hide things from me, I want to be the person you come to with hardball topics like this. I don't want you to be scared of what I'll think or do."

She nodded, before divulging into something else Cragen had told her. "Lewis tried going after you too."

"What?"

"He went to Boston, a number of times trying to look for you."

"How?"

"Used a lot of false names, with ID's to match. Searched high and low for you but found nothing." She shook her head again, breaking eye contact. "He eventually gave up, but this could have been you. El, he could have killed you."

"But he didn't, he didn't find me. I'm here, with you and he's locked up. Liv, I'm okay." He reassured her, over and over again before pushing forward, "I don't blame you for not telling me. I would have felt guilty regardless. I hate that I wasn't here to stop him from taking you. I hate that I wasn't here for Kat and I hate that I wasn't the person you were able to call to walk you out of that house. I hate that I wasn't yelling at those doctors to talk to you instead of about you. I hate that I wasn't with you during your rape kit, and I hate that I wasn't there to make you feel safe. I can't even begin to tell you how much I regret leaving the day that I shot Jenna in the squad room. I left you, and Kat, high and dry. Besides my now ex-wife and kids, you and Kat meant the world to me, and you still do. I destroyed that the second I made the decision to leave the city. I was selfish, and I'll regret not being here for the rest of my life here on this Earth."

"When I was chained to the bed, in that god-forsaken house, he told me you were dead." She said, her voice shaking. "Shortly after that, I told him to kill me."

"Liv," Elliot whispered, completely taken aback by her sudden admission.

"I doubt he told you that, when you were there." She stated, "He probably said I told him the world's saddest story, am I right?"

Elliot had noticed the sudden shift in her emotion. She had just been on the verge of tears, and now her voice was stone-cold. It wasn't unlike Olivia to close herself off, and he knew this was another tactic to regain control. "He never said what it was about."

"He plays off your emotions, which I'm sure he had a field day with you." Olivia said, "I bet he had a lot to say."

"He's a sociopath, Liv. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He has his own agenda, and he'll do anything to check off a box on his to-do list."

"I came this close to death, because of him." She held up her fingers, about a half an inch away from each other. "And if you asked him, he'd do it again, just like that." She snapped her fingers, in an attempt to prove a point. "He wouldn't even hesitate, Elliot."

"He's going to rot in Rikers for a very, very long time."

"If he didn't have cuffs on when you went to see him, he'd have tried to kill you."

"But he didn't."

"Then why do you have blood all over your hands?" She harshly questioned him, "I'm sure that didn't just appear there."

"You're right, it didn't." Elliot defended, "He said some things, and I lost it."

"Of course you did," Olivia scoffed. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

"Don't shut me out, please." He asked, "I know you're angry, and you're allowed to be. I was wrong, but to be completely honest, he should have gotten way worse. I know you feel the same way because I hear the way you talk about him. I know you regret not killing him when you had the chance because you know he's going to try to work the system, like he always does. You're fearful of what will happen if he gets to walk out of that court room a free man, and you're afraid that I won't be there. I know you, and how you think."

Olivia didn't know what to say, and Elliot kept talking, "I'm sorry, that I didn't tell you. I'm sorry that you found me out here like this. I just didn't think I could walk in to see you after sitting with him, and pretend that everything is fine, because it's not. I have a thousand questions, that I'll probably never ask you. But there's one that's been burning inside me, that I have to ask. How did you survive it? How did you keep yourself alive just long enough to make it out of that house? Or even long enough to be sitting here in front of me?"

"You."

"Me?"

She nodded, "I kept thinking that if I could just survive one more hour, I'd get to somehow see you on the other side. Even after he told me you were dead and after I told him to shoot me, all I thought about was seeing you. I was so mad at you for leaving, and I carried that grudge with me for years. But with my life on the line, all of it disappeared. The only person I wanted to see, was you."

"Sorry, I know, doesn't mean jack to you. But I don't think I'll ever be able to fully tell you how sorry I am that I wasn't there to protect you. I think I'll spend the rest of my life trying to figure out a way."

"You were in your own version of hell," she simply stated, remembering how low his life had gotten in Boston. "There isn't anything you could have done differently. He still would have found me, regardless of whether or not you had been here. And if you were, you would have been an accessory."

"I wish things had gone over differently."

"And I wish that none of this had happened, but here we are." She pursed her lips together, "I know you blame yourself for all of this, and this might come as a shock to you, but Elliot Stabler, I forgive you."

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**Please leave a review, thank you in advance! :)**


	55. Chapter 55

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: The job is still amazing, and I'm loving every single minute of it. I've started keeping a journal of all the funny things students have said to me, it's hilarious to look back on it every once in a while!**

**#2: I apologize for the hiatus, life got crazy but not to fear, I'm back.**

**#3: The Lewis trial will be coming in the next few chapters and I'm excited for the path I'm taking. I hope you'll stick around!**

**#4: I'm on Twitter, so if you're looking for someone to follow, have at it: fearLIZness17**

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Kat had put on a brave face the last few days, especially when she had been in the apartment. She kept to herself, and had barely spoken to anyone since Elliot had re-entered her life. She had been there when Olivia needed her to be, but on the times Olivia was okay, Kat was hiding in the shadows. The teenager knew that it was on her that Fin had even made the call in the first place and she knew that it was what her mother wanted. Kat knew that there was a lot of heavy conversations had been happening, and she knew that both her mother and Elliot had tried to reconcile as best they could. She didn't want to get in the way of that, and she certainly didn't want to put anything in their new-found relationship at risk. Kat could remember how angry she was that day on the rooftop, and she could remember how his arrival had ripped open all her wounds that she had tried so desperately to sew shut. She hadn't forgiven him, and she truly didn't know if she ever could. It was a confusing time for Kat, because with Elliot around, Olivia was genuinely happy. She smiled whenever he walked into the room, and melted in his arms each time he comforted her after a nightmare. She was talking more than ever before, and had been making a conscious effort to eat. It was progress, and Kat knew that she had made the right decision to bring Elliot back into the equation.

The teenager had always been reserved, more so after Olivia came home from the hospital but even now, she had kept to herself a considerable amount. Olivia knew that Elliot had taken over most of Kat's duties but she didn't want her daughter to feel like she wasn't wanted or needed. The eldest Benson knew that one of the main reasons she was still alive after she got out of the hospital, was because of her daughter. The teenager had grown up the second she learned Lewis had taken her mother. Kat had become the resident nurse, the late night therapist and overall companion. It was a lot for anyone to take on, but harder for a teenager who was doing the best she could under the circumstances.

Elliot had raised his concern to Olivia earlier that morning, and stated that he would give them space so they could talk openly without fear of being overheard. The Yankees were playing that afternoon, and the television in the back bedroom was calling his name anyways. It didn't take long for Olivia to make her way to Kat's bedroom, walking had become slightly easier in the past few weeks and it was an added improvement. She knocked on the door with her good hand, and heard a muffled response. She asked softly, "Can I come in?"

"Go ahead," the voice came back from the other side of the door.

Olivia turned the doorknob, and opened the door slowly, finding Kat laying on her bed watching a movie on her computer. "What are you watching?"

"The Notebook."

The eldest Benson shut the door behind her, and walked towards the bed to sit down. Her ribs had still been giving her some trouble, but she propped herself up against the backboard of the bed. Olivia was quiet, as she looked at Kat who was still semi-watching the movie. The teenager asked, "Where's Elliot?"

"Watching the Yankees game in the back bedroom, told him I'd be fine for a few hours."

Kat nodded, as she turned her attention back to the movie. Olivia closed her eyes for a few minutes, before she heard her daughter ask another question, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Olivia replied, her eyes still closed as she took a deep breath, "just needed some quiet."

Things fell silent, and it was apparent that the teenager was completely satisfied with the shared space. It had been a while since the two were alone together, and Kat missed it. Olivia was the one to break the silence, "Are you okay?"

The teenager responded quickly, "Totally, why?"

"Just checking, is all." Olivia quietly replied. She didn't want to ambush her daughter, but she also wanted to take special care in how she brought up her own worries about what she had seen. Olivia could guess as to why her daughter had been distant, but she wanted to hear it from Kat.

"You're up to something," Kat said, suspiciously.

Olivia carefully laughed, and when she felt her ribs pulling, she placed her good arm over to brace herself for pain. She winced slightly as she replied, "I care, and I worry about you, that's all."

"Why would you worry?" The teenager asked, and then stated very matter-of-factly, "Everything's fine."

"Fine is quite the loaded word, especially coming from a Benson."

"Mom," Kat said, "you've been out of work too long if you're trying to bust me on something. I'm just watching a movie in my room."

Olivia nodded, looking at her daughter. The insult didn't hurt, but it did remind Olivia of why she wasn't in the squad room. It reminded her of the man who put her in this position, and reminded her of the long road back to who she was before him. "I don't want to fight, Kat." She sighed, "I really don't."

"I didn't mean," Kat quickly tried to go back on her words, "I'm sorry."

She nodded, and gave a sad smile. "I get it, I really do, but don't mistake that for caring."

"Mom," the brunette said as she shut her laptop, "I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean-" she paused, "it was stupid of me to say."

Olivia sighed again, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the headboard of the bed. She knew her daughter didn't mean any of it, and it was silly of her to even imply that Kat did. After thirty seconds of silence, she quietly stated, "You've been so distant, Kat."

"I don't want to ruin it."

She looked at her daughter, who was already avoiding eye contact, a Benson signature move. "Ruin what?"

"What you have going," Kat replied, before whispering, "with him."

"Nothing you could ever do, would ruin that."

"You're so happy with him, and I walk in the room and feel like I bring that down."

Olivia had never formally told her daughter that she had forgiven Elliot for leaving or for not being there when Lewis kidnapped her. The conversation had happened when Kat was asleep, and it was never addressed again. "Forgiveness is a powerful thing, sweetheart."

Kat was taken aback, and quickly asked, "You forgave him?"

"Carrying around all that hate, almost killed me." Olivia whispered, "I was miserable, for years and it was too much. You saw how broken I was, and how much I drank just to forget him. I was a mess," she stated, remembering the times that Kat had crawled into bed with her and did the best she could to comfort her mother, "and it took a lot of talking, and crying to get where we are right now. It wasn't instant, and I was mad as hell when he first showed up here. You were too, I heard."

She was mortified that Elliot had most likely shared how awful she was up on the roof when he first came back into town, "What did you expect me to do?"

"I get it," Olivia looked sympathetically at Kat, "and I know that you're angry for a lot of things. He left you, and you felt abandoned. I know, because I felt the same way."

"But you forgave him," Kat stated again.

"I did," Olivia mumbled, "I did, and I think that if you two talked, you'd come to some kind of conclusion. He knows he's not in your good graces, and he knows what he did was wrong."

"I don't need to hear it from you."

"But you do need to hear it from him," Olivia said.

Kat knew her mother was right, and she knew she eventually needed to grow up and talk to Elliot. It had been a long time coming, even though she had been avoiding it. Before she could get too far into her head, her mother quietly changed the subject, "The trial is coming up too."

"When?"

"End of the month," Olivia stated, "March 30th."

Kat asked, "How long have you known?"

"About a week," Olivia confessed.

"When were you planning on telling me?"

She hesitated, because she truthfully didn't have a plan. Kat picked up on that, and came back again, "You weren't, were you. You were going to spring it on me a few days prior, or were you going to wait until I figured it out on my own?"

"Babe, you know I wouldn't do that to you."

"I really don't know, do I?" Kat reacted, "You didn't tell me about all these talks you had with Elliot and you certainly didn't tell me you forgave him. Olivia Benson, the poster child for holding a grudge forgave the one person who single-handedly destroyed her life when he walked away. What is this?" The teenager gathered herself quickly before she came back for round two, and continued, "You're less than three weeks away from facing the man who tortured you, for three days in a beach house on Long Island in a public court. You didn't think that maybe I had a right to know?"

Olivia had prepared herself for this, and she knew Kat was going to react immediately upon hearing the new piece of information. She tried as best she could to not get upset with what Kat was saying, but it was difficult to not let it get to her. Before she could say anything, her daughter continued, "So now that he's back, I guess that means I'm out of the loop, right? Or is it that I was never in the loop to begin with? Olivia Benson, has some kind of hidden agenda now, who knows what's happening tomorrow because really only she knows, right?" Kat paused, collecting her thoughts before continuing, "Do you know how much sleep I've lost because I thought you were going to die? Do you understand how terrifying it was to not know whether or not I was going to see you again? Or what about not being able to see you in the hospital? Remember that? Or, what about when you came home? Do you know what it was like for me to hear you screaming in the middle of the night? Or what it was like to hear you crying so hard about what was done to you? Do you know what it's like to turn on the TV and see your face plastered right there for the world to see? Do you know what it's like to be the talk of all my friends? I can't go anywhere in Manhattan without someone asking about you." Her voice was starting to get shaky, and she knew her mother was having just as much of a hard time hearing all of this, "What if I wasn't here to take care of you? What would have happened if I had enough and just walked away? Do you know what it feels like to do any of this? Do you know what it's like to be put in this position? I do all of this, without even being asked, and you hide all of this information from me. Did I even cross your mind when you found out or was I just the after thought?"

Kat had sat herself on the far end of the bed, away from her mother, and Olivia understood why. The room was filled with tension, and the teenager was sitting in silence waiting for a response from Olivia. Truthfully, the eldest Benson didn't know what to say, and even if she did, it wouldn't be something that Kat wanted to hear. "Lewis," Olivia started, "knew more about us, than we thought."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I was a target from the beginning," she began, "Lewis came to New York for me."

"You're lying," Kat stated.

"He watched me, for weeks before he got caught." She paused, "Knew all of my habits, and who I had connections with. He got sloppy, and he got busted in the park."

"Stop," the teenager held up her hand, "so you're telling me that the man who just about killed you was watching your every move?"

"Yours too," Olivia simply stated, bracing herself for the impact.

"There's no way he knows I exist, I'm never with you when you work."

"He watched the apartment, he knows where you went to school. Your friends, whose house you spent the most time at, and your favorite sandwich at the store down the street." Olivia sighed, "He watched everyone, Elliot too."

"So you're now telling me that this guy essentially stalked all of us for weeks before he scooped you up and just about killed you?"

Olivia nodded, her head once again resting on the headboard of the bed. "He knew everything, sweetheart. Things I had never told anyone, he knew."

"And it never once crossed your mind that maybe you should have told me?"

"There was never a right time to bring this up," Olivia simply stated, "without freaking you out."

"Well, I was pretty freaked out when you disappeared for three days without so much as a trace. How did you think I felt when I walked right into the apartment and saw the mess he left behind? Or what about how I felt when I saw the keys he used to burn you, or the coat hanger he pressed against your skin. Or what about the cigarettes that littered the entire living room floor? How did you think I felt knowing that he did all those things to you while I was too busy working on some stupid project?" She paused, getting angrier as she remembered more, "Did you ever once think about me in any of this? You knew he stalked me for weeks and didn't tell me?"

"I just found out, Kat." Olivia responded.

"When? Who told you?"

"Cragen," she replied.

"I asked when," Kat coldly responded.

"When I got out of the hospital," Olivia confessed, "He came by a couple times to check on me and he let it slip."

"So, you've known about this for two months and yet again, didn't think to tell me?"

"I was going to tell you," Olivia said, "If you'd let me finish, I could say."

Kat repeated herself again, "When were you going to tell me?"

"After you came back from staying at Fin's for the night. We had that huge talk about how guilty you felt about leaving me that night. I felt horrible for being a burden to you, and I felt awful that I had even put you in a position to think about that. You're right, I never asked you to take on this responsibility. Nobody asked you to help me. They never asked you to play doctor, or therapist. You're right. I never asked you to be my caregiver, and I didn't ask you to take on the role of mom, but you did. I should have told you, when I found out."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want you to worry even more than you already were." Olivia started, her voice already somewhat shaky but she still continued on. "You were consumed with worry, all the time. You were worried I was going to die if you didn't have your eyes on me all the time. You were worried that I was going to fall apart if you even mentioned Lewis' name. You were terrified about asking me any question related to what happened. Every time you came into my bedroom, you were scared about what you might find. With every tear, I saw how frightened you were to find out the reasons behind each one. Every bruise, burn and cut was torture for me to explain to you." She briefly stopped, brushing her good hand over her chest. She could still feel the phantom pains, and remember how sinister Lewis really was. "Reliving all of my injuries was horrific, and I still told you. I know it was killing you not to know, and I think a part of you ultimately didn't want to know. That part of you didn't want to know because you knew it might change how you looked at me. You didn't want to know because finding out would mean it was that much more real. It would leave your mind to wander and your imagination to run with the information you had."

"And now?" Kat asked again, "Why is everything a secret?"

"I don't want to keep things from you," she simply stated, "I hate that I resorted to hiding things that will ultimately involve you. I didn't let you in my hospital room, because I was afraid that you wouldn't want to come back. I didn't want to see you, because I knew that I wouldn't let you go and I didn't know if you would stay. I kept my distance, because I didn't want to get too attached in case he came back for me. I didn't talk about him, because I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget what he did to me and I wanted you to regain a sense of normalcy. That's why I pushed you to go back to school, and I know why you fought me so hard." Olivia paused, remembering how much of a blow up fight it was and choice words were exchanged. "That's why I pushed you away to regain my own sense of independence. It's also why I pushed you away because if I was going down, I didn't want to take you with me. I didn't talk, for weeks because I didn't know what to say. There was nothing for me to say. I kept to myself, because it was easier to internalize than it was to tell you how I really felt. It's why I pushed you to do things you didn't feel comfortable doing."

"I'm only a teenager."

Her eyes were slightly watery, despite the very serious conversation that was happening. She didn't want to lose it, because it wouldn't get anything accomplished and she didn't want Kat to discredit her word. "I know, and begging you to clean that infected laceration because I didn't want to go to the doctor's wasn't smart. I wasn't open with you, and I wasn't forth-coming with what happened. I know you walked on eggshells, and were afraid of what I would say if you asked. I apologize, that you had to resort to prying it out of Amanda. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I was raped not once, but twice." She paused again, wiping a stray tear from dripping down her cheek, "I fell hard, and I fell fast. I was so self-involved that I seemingly forgot that you weren't a licensed medical professional nor were you a board certified psychologist. You didn't sign up to be my caregiver, and you definitely didn't get paid or receive the acknowledgement you deserve. You're three months away from turning eighteen, and you're dealing with your screwed up mother."

"Mom, don't do this."

"We're one and the same, her and I." Olivia said, "You were right, when you said that all those years ago. You probably don't even remember, but I do. She drank to forget me, and I run away from all my problems." she said as she looked up at Kat, "I apologize that you had to resort to calling Elliot to get me to realize that I had to get my life back on track. I apologize that I'm selfish, and I get too far into myself. I'm sorry that I got wasted the other night and you found me on the kitchen floor sobbing in his arms. I'm sorry that I got us into this mess, and that you have to see me like this. I didn't mean for you to get caught up in the shuffle." Olivia sighed, "You're just a kid whose had to grow up too fast with the things you've seen because of me."

"You're right," Kat replied, "But you shielded me as best you could, you made a conscious effort to divide yourself between me and work. I turned out okay for the most part, Mom."

"Thank you, for taking on the roles you have and for the decisions you've made when I wasn't able to make them for myself." She paused, as she wiped another tear away from her cheek, "Keeping things from you, wasn't my intention. I wasn't trying to hoard secrets, and I'm sorry that you found out the way you did. I do it to protect you, and whether you believe this or not, you'll always be that little girl in the picture I keep on my desk."

Despite all the time Kat had spent with her mother over the years, each time she thought she had her mother figured out, it slipped right out of her hands. Olivia internalized, and it had taken Kat a long time on learning how to extract information in such a way that wouldn't make the situation worse. She accepted her mother's apology with a single nod, acknowledging what was being said. To that, Olivia continued, "I know you don't understand me, even after all these years and that's okay. I'm stubborn, and set in my ways. I keep things close to the vest, and I have issues accepting help. I hate being vulnerable, and being seen as weak. I get so caught up in my own head that I forget about the people around me. My life as I knew it before Lewis, is gone. I'll never be that same Detective again." She stopped taking her daughter's hand, "And you're just as much involved in this as I am. I should have told you, everything when I found out. I don't want you to be think you're the after thought. As amazing as Elliot has been since he came back, you're the one person whose keeping me from falling apart." She squeezed Kat's hand gently before quietly finishing her thought, "Just thought you should know."

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**Please leave a review, they're greatly appreciated! **


	56. Chapter 56

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: Teaching is still VERY fun! I just recently got Safety Care trained, so I now know how to properly de-escalate a behavior and if it comes down to it, legally restrain a child from hurting themselves or others. If you're wondering whether or not I've had to use it since I got trained, the answer is yes.**

**#2: Something Like Olivia officially turned 2! I sincerely thank each and every one of you who have read and reviewed this story time after time. Who would have thought I would have ever stuck with something like this for so long? 2 years ago, I took a risk on a little idea I had, not knowing if it would ever amount to anything. Well, 2 years and 56 chapters later, here we are. I truly, and deeply appreciate you all more than you know. This story isn't going anywhere any time soon, so please, keep enjoying the ride - I know I certainly have.**

**xo, Liz**

**#3: I finally got back into running, I've missed it so much!**

**#4: If you want to follow me on Twitter, please do: fearLIZness17**

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In the weeks leading up to the trial, each day had brought on a new challenge for all involved. With Kat, she was still trying to figure out her place in regards to her mother and Elliot's resolved friendship. She would make small-talk with Elliot, just to save face but it never went any deeper than that. She knew that the conversation they were meant to have, would happen some time in the future, but it was a question of when the circumstances would be right. Both her attention and Elliot's were focused on Olivia and making sure that she had the support she needed to get through arguably the toughest experience she was going to endure since she had been rescued from the beach house.

With Elliot, he had gotten into a groove with his former partner. He understood her silent cues when she wanted to be left alone, and the look in her eyes when she wanted to feel absolutely anything. He made sure that she ate, and when she didn't, he tried every play in his book to get her to try. The trick, was to make her forget, to distract her even for a second, so she could take a bite. It was a slow process, but more often than not, a successful one. Elliot could read Olivia like a book, and lately, it was all too easy to see that there was a war raging inside her head about the impending trial. He saw it when he brought her to the station to talk to Cragen and Fin about her statement. He saw it when Tucker had interrogated her at IAB just days prior, he knew that something had struck a chord within her because she didn't speak for the rest of the day. He had seen it when he sat inside the court room, watching her up on the stand while Barba had prepped her as best he could. She had looked so small up on the stand, but her eyes were filled with fear. Fear of the unknown, and fear for what she knew was going to come. Elliot knew that none of it would be enough, nothing would truly prepare her for what it would be like to face Lewis again, in an open court.

When it came to Olivia, she had just been trying to keep her head above water. She had been swimming for so long, and it was taking a toll on her already fragile frame. Like so many other times before, she found herself retreating further and further into her own mind. It had been exhausting going over her statement with Cragen and Fin. She knew it was a necessary step for her case, but it didn't make it any easier to know that every detail of her ordeal would be laid out before her like a red carpet at some award show. The reporters, and the journalists would have a field day, not ever taking into account that she was a victim. To them, it was all about the story, and the money. She knew a sit-down with Tucker was inevitable, and despite putting it off for as long as possible, Elliot had helped her bite the bullet. He had started out so kind-hearted, apologizing for the ordeal and putting forth a genuine kindness that she had never seen before. But, like so many times before, he became the no-nonsense, hard-headed person that she had despised only minutes in to the investigation. She had shut down on a number of occasions, and despite that, Tucker kept going in for the kill. He couldn't seem to understand why Olivia had asked Lewis to shoot her on so many occasions. He didn't understand why she came so close to giving up, even with all of her training from the academy. To a point, Olivia thought that Tucker believed she wanted this to happen to her. It was the one thing that stayed with her, long after Elliot had brought her back to the apartment. She had retreated back into her bedroom, after taking a shower to cleanse herself of the experience at IAB. It was traumatic, and had reopened every wound that she had tried so hard to sew shut herself.

She had been laying on her side, despite the obvious ache over ribs but she didn't seem to care at that point. Olivia was fighting a losing battle with the tears that threatened to overflow at any second, and that's when Elliot had appeared at the doorway. He was silent, just surveying the scene in front of him and contemplating how he was going to attack it. "Liv," he softly stated, not expecting any kind of a reply.

When Olivia didn't make an effort to reciprocate, Elliot took a step further into the bedroom. He carefully made his way towards the bed, taking a knee in front of the direction Olivia was facing. His blue eyes delicately made their way to meet her brown eyes. He evaluated the way her eyes looked glassy, and the way she was biting the inside of her cheek to try to distract herself from the thoughts racing through her head. He noted the way her hair was sprawled across the back of the white pillow she was resting on, and the way her hands were cupped just under her cheek. He cautiously stated her name again, "Liv."

The brunette slowly moved her head up on the pillow, her eyes gradually following behind. She didn't speak, but when her eyes met Elliot's, that's when he knew she was listening. "Come for a drive with me," he asked, his voice calm and quiet.

Olivia closed her eyes for a few seconds, Elliot had counted about eight before they re-opened. She had un-clasped her hands, bringing her good one up to her head, running her fingers through her wet hair before placing it back on top of her right hand. Elliot had thought that he had lost the conversation with her, until he saw her slowly nod her head.

By the time they had gotten to his car, he genuinely thought Olivia was going to change her mind. He saw the way she was slumped in the passenger seat, her head turned towards the window. Back in the apartment, Elliot had helped her put on a pair of sneakers, and had slid a sweatshirt over her head before guiding her down to where his car was parked on the street. When he turned the car on, he shut off the radio and put the car in drive. The silver Nissan Altima meandered through the streets of Manhattan, seemingly getting stuck at every red light. Every now and again, Elliot would look over to check on Olivia, but still saw the same thing as he did when he started the car. He continued on his way, turning left and right until they found themselves driving down an empty two lane access road, a road the two of them had been no stranger to.

Elliot had parked, and gotten out of the car, making his way over to the passenger side door. She had already unbuckled by the time the door had opened and his hand was extended out towards her. Olivia grasped his hand with hers, and slowly made her way out. They walked together, down the weathered wooden pathway towards the sand to a spot that had been all too familiar in their lives. Both sat down, with Elliot leaning back on his hands, his legs stretched outwards while Olivia held her arms around her knees. The beach was empty, and there were a few puffy clouds high up in the sky. The water, was dark like the ink of a blue pen and the waves were crashing at a steady pace. Olivia focused on the rhythm of it, on the cawing of the seagulls overhead and the sound of the waves. The sun had warmed the sand, and she focused on the wind that rustled through her hair. She had forgotten how clean it was out here, and how the sand is wiped clean after every wave because even the impressions in the sand can't hold their shape forever.

The air between them is silent, and Elliot knows that despite the fact that he can force things out of a suspect, or his children and even his ex-wife, Olivia is different. She is the only person in his world that he can't control, because if he pushes her too hard, she won't open up but will simply walk away; Olivia does the leaving before she can be left. Despite knowing that, Elliot tries again, "You're quiet today, you know that?"

She doesn't turn her head at first, and continues to look out at the vast ocean in front of her. She wonders what else lives beneath the water, because so much of her life up to this point, she feels like she too, lives underneath the ink blue liquid. She doesn't smile, or speak but when she turns her head to look at Elliot, the effect is gut-wrenching. She doesn't have to talk, because her eyes tell him everything he needs to know and it suddenly hits him, now more than ever, superheroes can fall too. "Is it because of today?" Elliot quietly asks, trying to reach her in anyway that he could.

Thirty long seconds pass in silence, and just when Elliot believes he's shut out, is when Olivia finally speaks. "Have you ever told yourself something over and over, so much so, that you started to believe it?"

Elliot thinks for a minute, he knows it's a loaded question and he's scrambling to think of an answer good enough that doesn't break her. He doesn't want to lose the trust she's placing in him, and he replies, "You can lie to the world around you, to the people around you who love and care about your well-being. But deep down, you still won't be able to lie to yourself."

She looks back out at the waves, watching them roll in to shore one after another. It always amazed her how calming they were, and as she tucked a stray piece of her hair behind her ear, she quietly stated, "I just want to exist in a place where my life doesn't keep choking me."

It instantly clicks in Elliot's head as to what she means, and he hates himself for it. He wants to go after every person who has depleted the person that Olivia Benson is. Every person that used her for their own personal gains. He blames Lewis, but most of all, he blames himself. He had walked away from her, and that was the brutal truth of it. He leaves behind the things that make him scared. Olivia Benson isn't bulletproof, and she's more than just a cop. She's a person, a human being, someone that can easily fall apart under the right circumstances. This, is one of those times.

The guilt inside of her, eats away at her soul, and it makes her uncomfortable. It sits inside of her, like a pit in the middle of a peach, she feels it everyday. It makes her uncomfortable because she knows that Elliot has replayed all of the things that happened when they were partners in his head. She knows that he remembers all of the things she said and did to hurt him, just like she remembers all the things that he did to her. She tells herself that as time goes on, the words will come easier the more she says them. That saying them won't break her, but will instead relieve some pressure in her lungs. But the truth of the matter is, that she hasn't said them at all. She's played out the scenario in her head, and made up hypotheticals but thinking them and saying them, are two different things. "M'scared, El," she says, breaking the silence.

He heard the way her voice cracked as she admitted to how she was feeling. He saw how her body was starting to shake ever so slightly, and he saw how her eyes quickly darted back to the water in a desperate attempt to calm herself down. "I know," he nodded, confirming her fears, "I know."

"The trial," she softly started, "m'so scared."

It was heart-wrenching for Elliot to hear how terrified she really was about the trial, and although he knew this conversation was coming, it didn't prepare him at all for the real thing. He wanted nothing more than to envelop her into his arms, but Elliot had years of experience with Olivia to know that too much too soon was the best way to lose her. He knew that she would retreat back into her world as quickly as she came out of it. "Talk to me, Liv." He replied, guiding the conversation so Olivia was ultimately in control.

"I don't know if I can do it."

He nodded, as he looked at her. He noticed that her arms were wrapped tightly around her legs. Elliot knew that she was struggling with opening herself up, and didn't expect her to make eye contact any time soon. He had recalled so many times before where they were in the same position on the beach and how they all ended the same. His voice was deep, and steady as he spoke, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it's going to be rough, Liv."

Her left hand brushed up against her cheek as she held it there, her elbow resting on her knee. Her right hand still resting on her legs. She wanted as the birds scurried across the sand as the water retreated into itself and she saw how the footprints were soon washed away as the tide came back. Much like the tide, life takes and life gives. Lately, it seemed like it was taking more out of her than she could handle. "Lewis," she said, her voice cracking. "I, I just don't know."

Elliot heard the crack in her voice, and he realized more than ever, that she too can break. When they were partners, he wanted to pretend that she couldn't hurt, and that she wouldn't. He tried to pretend that she was stronger, more resilient and tougher than he was. But when he turned his head to look at her, he saw she was vulnerable. She didn't have that tough exterior she was known for in the squad room. She wasn't keeping things close to the vest, all of her fears were out in the open. Elliot knows that she has demons, but now more than ever, he realizes that they don't have to last forever. "I get it," he softly stated, "facing him in court would be like reliving those three days you spent in that beach house with him."

She moved her head slowly up and down, nodding at what she heard Elliot say. She was terrified to see Lewis again, knowing what he was capable of and knowing how manipulative he could be. But most of all, she was scared of him walking away at the end of the day. "What if he walks?"

"If the jurors had any heart, whatsoever, they wouldn't let him." Elliot delicately stated, "All they'd have to do is take one look in your file and he's going away for life."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because he can't lie about what he did to you, there's evidence all over your body. The lacerations, the broken bones, the bruises. And there's the rape kit," he said before pausing, a shiver going down his spine as he said the words aloud. "All of the evidence points right back at him, Liv."

"But," she started, and Elliot knew that she was trying to talk herself into believing that it wasn't going to be a nightmare for her. "what if he plays the system?"

Elliot reassured her, "He may try, but you have the entire NYPD behind you, Liv. Barba is on your side, and he's going to fight like hell in there to make sure that the jury knows exactly what kind of man Lewis is." He paused, before quietly continuing, "It's going to get ugly at times, and there will be things that will be said that will hurt. The words will cut deep, and Lewis may very well try to manipulate your emotions. It's going to be really, really tough."

"I'm just a cop," she simply stated, "they get hurt all the time. Why now, do people suddenly get so invested in this?"

"I never saw you as just a cop, Liv." He acknowledged, watching her as he saw her body shivering slightly. "You're so much more than that."

"All they see is that picture of me, in my uniform," she sighed, "plastered right next to his face."

"They don't know where you get your takeout order from, or how you like your coffee in the morning. They don't know how you like your eggs or how you prefer waffles over pancakes. They don't know how you like an ice cold beer on a hot, summer day or what kind of music you listen to in your car." He laughed slightly, remembering all the things that made Olivia, herself. "They don't know that you speed on the highway, or how you turn on red even when there's a sign that says otherwise. They don't know what makes you laugh, or the things that make you cry. They don't know your past, and how it paved the way for your career. They don't know how much you love your daughter, and they don't know that you sing in the shower. They don't know how much you hate to read, or how much you love to run." Elliot paused, and when he realized that Olivia was listening, he continued, "They don't know anything about you, other than what you look like. All they see is your face next to Lewis, and the story that follows. They don't know that a victim goes through their own personal hell, and how everyone who cares about them is robbed of something, too."

She quietly asked, "What if I forget what I'm supposed to say?"

"Tell your story, just like the way you told me." Elliot softly answered, "Pretend you're not sitting in the witness stand in court, and that we're sitting back on the couch in your apartment."

"What about Kat?"

"She'll be there too," he replied, "She'll be right next to me, the whole time. I promise that I won't let anything happen to her."

Elliot saw that she was crumbling, and he heard her voice cracking more and more as she kept trying to tell herself that she was better off than she really was. He wrapped his right arm around her body, slowly easing her into the inside of his shoulder. When he felt that she wasn't fighting him, that's when he wrapped his own sweatshirt around her frame. His right hand, gently sliding up and down her right arm in an attempt to comfort her. It was a small gesture, and one that he knew would be welcome. They both looked out at the ocean, watching the waves roll into the shore. The crashing of the water became a kind of white noise, and the sun had gone behind a cloud when Elliot heard her voice, "What if I cry?"

"It's okay if you cry, Liv." He said, before he took a deep breath. As he let it out, he began once again, "And if you do, I want you to find me in the crowd of people. I'll be sitting in our old spot, and once you find me, I want you to look me in the eyes. Pretend it's just the two of us, and talk right to me." He paused, letting his words sink in, "I know what it looks like when you cry, and even if you don't, that's okay too. If you forget how to breathe, find me and we can do it together." Elliot gently squeezed her arm, and simply stated, "If you feel like you're drowning, find me and I'll be your life preserver, every time."

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**I'd really love if you left a review! :)**


	57. Chapter 57

**So, since I last updated:**

**#1: Teaching is still great, and I'm ****constantly blown away by the things that come out of my students mouths. It's reason #4094573987 why I love going to work everyday!**

**#2: This chapter is essentially a build-up before Olivia goes on the stand. Chapter 58 may be coming in the next day or so, keep ya eyes open!**

**#3: To all of you who reviewed the last chapter, THANK YOU! Y'all are so kind, sweet and amazing - I love all of you.**

**#4: Follow me on Twitter: fearLIZness17 :)**

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It was the day that Olivia had been dreading for months. March 30th. She had blinked, and all of a sudden, the day was upon her. She thought it was funny, how the things you dread have a way of sneaking up on a person. The trial, was no exception to the rule. She had spent many hours going over her statement with Barba in the past few days, to the point where she could recite it in her sleep. Despite how truly exhausted she had been over the last four days, she didn't sleep at all. Her nights consisted of tossing and turning, for hours while the world around her went on with their business. Children were born, couples were married and divorced, and people took their last breath. On the occasions where her body succumbed to sleep, she was quickly woken up from nightmare after nightmare. Dreams where she was drowning, so far underneath the water and no matter how loud she tried to yell, no one could hear her cries for help. Or the ones where she was back in the beach house. She could still feel him inside of her, and how it felt when his fist met her face. There were the dreams where she was back in her apartment, duck-taped to a kitchen chair, bargaining with Lewis for her life. His laughter, filling the air over how desperate she truly sounded. However, the one dream that scared her the most, was where Lewis walked free.

She was sitting on her bed, fully dressed at 7am. Her outfit had been picked out the night before, a navy blue blouse, with her signature black blazer and black pants. Most of her injuries were covered up by clothes, but her chest and face were fully exposed for all to see. She had tried to put make-up on a half hour ago, to make herself look more like a human but no amount of foundation and concealer could cover up the deep shades of purple. Olivia had spent most of her time in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror just staring at her reflection, never once speaking. Her eyes had met with the person staring back at her, and she couldn't seem to recognize the woman. Her once vibrant brown eyes, that held so much adventure and mystery were now empty. They were full of sorrow, and the bruises had only magnified those emotions. They were angry, a deep shade of purple that was incredibly hard not to notice. The smile she once had that could light up an entire room, was non-existent. Truthfully, she couldn't remember the last time she was genuinely happy.

Thirty minutes later, she found herself staring out of the window trying to prepare herself for the fresh hell the day would bring her. She thought about the conversation she had with Elliot the night before. Barba had pulled him aside after Olivia left the court room to get some air and had said that the judge was going to separate the charges against Lewis. It was something he had fought so hard for, and he knew that it was going to make things tougher for Olivia in the long run. It pained Barba to then tell Elliot that Lewis fired his lawyer, and was going to represent himself. It was a delaying tactic that Lewis had used in prior cases, and no doubt a growing trend, just another trick in Lewis' book.

Olivia had taken it hard, and even though she hadn't seen Lewis yet, her stomach was in knots just thinking about looking him in the eyes in another hour. Eating was an after thought, and truthfully, she was terrified to see it come back up again the second she walked into the court room. Kat had come in to the bedroom, and tried to help her mother find the strength to get up and walk out the door. Elliot had followed close behind, trying to give Olivia some space, knowing full-well her walls were going to come crumbling down soon enough. The drive to the court room was silent, and dodging all the reporters on the front steps was harrowing in and of itself. They had spotted their car, and descended like a pack of hungry wolves. Each one not caring in the slightest about what was actually going to happen in the courthouse, it was all about who could get the coveted front page spot. She was relieved to get inside, and sit on a bench before the doors officially opened. It was then, when she saw her squad walk in together.

Nick was the first one to speak, "How are you holding up?" He knew that he had barely been around since she had been released from the hospital, and he felt guilty for it for a number of reasons. The detective felt like he should have checked up on his partner when Cragen gave her two days off. He should have swung by the apartment, to bring her out of her rabbit hole that she typically crawled down after a tough case. It was irresponsible of him to assume that she was doing alright after she left the hospital. Nick had thrown himself into her case to ensure that Lewis would never see the light of day again. He couldn't bear the thought of his partner living the rest of her life in fear of a man who had single-handedly destroyed her life over the course of three days. Looking at her file all day was painful enough, but sitting down in front of her had nearly killed him.

"Getting through," she sighed, "taking things an hour at a time." Nick had handed her a coffee, something he hoped would calm her even though he knew nothing would, but like people always said, it was the thought that counted. She had accepted the coffee, and despite trying to hide it, her hand had been visibly shaking. She didn't have to say it for Nick to know, she was terrified.

"Looking strong, Liv." Fin stated next, smiling as he looked down at the seated Detective, and hugged Kat who was standing right next to Elliot. She looked nervous, and was trying to keep it together as best she could so she could be strong for her mother. She looked very put-together despite how young she still was. A red dress and a black cardigan had been thrown together just a few hours prior. She had been so busy focusing on how her mother was doing, that she realized she hadn't found something to wear. Kat knew that it wasn't her turn to fall apart, and she knew that Olivia was going to be leaning heavily on her as well as Elliot throughout the next few days. Kat was prepared, for the recurring nightmares, she had seen them in the previous days and knew they were far from over. The teenager knew Olivia was going to go through a range of emotions, and Kat hoped that she could some sort of a comfort. She had never seen a picture of Lewis before, and from the stories that Amanda had told her, she didn't know what to expect. Kat knew he was manipulative, and was going to play the system but the biggest question of all, was how her mother was going to react staring him right in the face again.

Olivia was surprised, because she didn't think everyone would be there based on scheduling. And deep down, with the exception of Amanda, she thought that they had stopped caring. "You all came?" She quietly asked, as she pursed her lips together.

"We got your back," Amanda smiled, before Cragen eagerly cut in, "Liv, it's really good to see you."

The group had turned when they saw Barba walking towards them, "What are you all doing here? You're all witnesses, you know you can't watch the trial."

Cragen was the first to defend their actions, he wanted it known what their purpose for being there was, "We're here for moral support."

The district attorney had then led the way into the court room, where they split off to find their seats. Olivia, to the right of Barba and the squad, surrounding Elliot and Kat. They had risen when the judge entered the room, and when Fin was called up, Olivia watched intently as he spoke. "At that point, I was the second person to the scene. Kathryn Benson, Olivia's seventeen year old daughter had been the first. She had come home from school after I had called her to ask if she had talked to her mother recently. When she told me she hadn't, that's when I decided to swing by the apartment myself. It was then, approximately an hour later, where I found Kat crying in the living room, and when I looked around, the apartment was destroyed. Glass everywhere, furniture was turned over, and broken. There was bloody duct tape attached to the fragments of a dining room chair. We found coat hangers and keys on the stove. Cigarette butts littered the coffee table and floor. Cans of five-crazies were strewn all over the kitchen counter, bedroom and living room. If I had to guess, I'd say there was at least a twelve-pack, maybe more. Besides all that, there was blood everywhere. On the walls, the carpet, and the bedroom. When CSU tested the blood, it was confirmed it was Olivia's." Fin paused, before continuing. I'll never forget the smell of burnt flesh though, the entire apartment was filled with that smell."

Barba thanked the Detective, before walking back to sit next to Olivia. He had nodded at her, a small sign that he knew she was struggling. Her hands were in her lap, clenched together as her thumbnail dug into her skin. Although it looked like she was looking at the witness stand, her eyes had been fixed on the state of New York insignia engraved in the wood just below the ledge. As Lewis got up to question the Detective, his chair squeaked against the linoleum floor. It took Olivia by surprise, and she jumped slightly in her seat. She brought her left hand to tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear in an attempt to calm herself. He walked with a slight limp, more pronounced than before as he held a stack of papers in his left hand. "My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. I'm moving slowly these days, due to the brutal beating I received from Detective Benson."

Olivia could feel Lewis' eyes on her, and it sent a shiver down her spine. Her eyes were downcast, and knew if she looked up, she'd surely cry. Olivia had already wanted to bolt out of the court-room the second she heard his voice, and it was a miracle she was still in her seat next to Barca. The judge took a look at the Detective and another look at Lewis. Judge Flint took no pity on the man standing before him, and stated, "Move it along, Mr. Lewis."

"That was quite the vivid description, Detective Tutuola. One might even think you had staged the scene yourself. The scenario that you described, this occurred two days after a case against me had been declared a mistrial due to an NYPD lab corruption." Lewis stutterd, correcting himself. He remembered the last time he was on trial, and evidence had come back inconclusive. The lab that the squad used damned him, and the lab that he had used, stated otherwise. The confusion, had ultimately caused a mistrial, which then led to Lewis walking away. "I mean, sorry, contamination. Did Detective Benson tell you that she was upset about that mistrial?"

"We were all upset," Fin replied, remembering how Olivia had been the last one to leave the office. She had been in complete disbelief over the verdict. He remembered how she had sat at her desk, her head in her hands. Fin knew she was probably holding back tears, and stayed in the same position because she didn't want anyone to see. He remembered keeping a watchful eye on her from his desk, even turning down going to the bar with a few of his friends from narcotics. Olivia Benson was internalizing, something that she was an expert at.

"And yet, it took you two days to go check her apartment after she didn't show up for work?" Lewis asked, before sarcastically adding, "I thought you call yourself a family, what is it again? Brothers and sisters in blue? If I'm mistaken, it seems like you're looking back at the memory and recalling otherwise, am I right?"

"Actually, Captain Cragen told her to take some time off," replied Fin, "She hadn't spent any time with her daughter because she was tied up at the court room so he sent her on a mandatory two day leave. It wasn't unlike Liv to get wrapped up in a case. With yours, it took a toll on her and when we got the call that you walked, Cragen sent her home."

"Possibly because she was, uh, extremely upset? Even obsessed?" Lewis noted, turning back to look at Olivia again. It was an intimidation tactic, and he was determined to make this hell for her. Olivia, however, kept her focus on the same spot, never giving in to his game.

"We were all shocked, because you didn't deserve to walk away that night. Do you even care about what you did to Alice Parker? Do you have any ounce of remorse for the pain you put her through?" Fin asked, incredulously, "Do you care that the stress of what you did to her, killed her? She's lying six feet under, and you're up here blaming everyone else."

Lewis didn't engage, but simply smiled at Fin. He immediately continued with his cross-examination, "How long were you and Ms. Benson alone in the Detective's apartment before CSU showed up?"

"15 minutes, if that." Fin reacted calmly, "When I saw how fast Kat was falling apart, I personally led her out of the apartment and into the hallway. The scene was something that no child should ever have to witness. It was traumatizing, especially when it involved her mother, someone who she had strong ties with. I never left her by herself after we walked out. I sat with her on the ground in the hallway outside the apartment as she cried, and I only went back in once everyone else showed up."

"Is that enough time to plant evidence?"

"You son of a bitch," Fin angrily threw out, "Were you not listening to what I just told you? I was sitting with Kat in the hallway. There's video evidence of us and if you actually watched it, you'd see we sat there for a half hour. If you think I planted evidence with a seventeen year old, that's messed up, man." He was furious, and rightfully so that Lewis was trying to put the blame on him for something Fin knew that Lewis himself did all on his own. When he was able to come down off the stand, he nodded towards Olivia as he walked back to sit with the rest of the squad.

Amanda had been called up, to talk about the scene in the Mayer's bedroom. She stated that like Benson's apartment, the house had been destroyed, and how a blood trail led to an upstairs closet, where Mrs. Mayer had been hanging. She had been bloodied, and burned. The lawyer's mother was half-naked, and was presumed dead, until she gasped for air when Nick cut her down. She had been in and out of consciousness in the ambulance and Amanda recalled how Mrs. Mayer had explicitly told the detective that she had been raped by William Lewis. There had been no probing, or planting of his name. Mrs. Mayer had come out with the small but crucial piece of information on her own accord. Barba had asked simple questions about the state of Mr. Mayer, who was found dead on arrival. He asked if there was any evidence that could have been found that stated Olivia had in fact, been in the house. There was, a chair that she had been tied to, the duct tape left behind, had her blood on it.

Lewis, had brought up their history together, mainly about when Amanda let Frannie loose to chase after him a few months prior. He was unhappy, and didn't believe that he was doing anything wrong in the park to begin with. Amanda had fought him, recalling that he exposed himself to two foreign tourists, and that was when Alice Parker captured photographic evidence on her camera. When he brought up the charges that were filed against him, Amanda had stated they were dismissed by the judge. Lewis took things a step further and brought up old feelings, and believed that Amanda had been frustrated when he had walked away. "Angry enough that you could have concocted a plot, along with your fellow detectives, to frame me for Detective Benson's kidnapping? Fake the crime scenes? Lie on the stand?"

Barba immediately cut in, sensing the ridiculousness of the question Lewis was asking. "Your honor, this whole line of questioning is objectionable, and just plain ridiculous."

"I'm entitled to my cross-examination, am I not?" Lewis asked, turning towards the judge, to which the man agreed.

"Did I concoct a plot to frame you?" Amanda angrily stated, "No, I did not. I did not plan anything of the sort, and you thinking I did is ridiculous. Can you really not handle the reality of the situation right now? The fact that we're sitting in this court, is because of you." She paused, looking at Olivia and how obvious it was that she was struggling. "Not me, or Fin, or Nick, or Olivia. Look at her, she has bruises all over her body. You used her as a punching bag. Cigarette burns because god forbid you throw your shit in an ashtray. Lacerations that you gave her with anything sharp you could find. She's lucky you didn't give her tetanus. We're here because of something that you carried out all on your own."

"Actually, Amanda." Lewis came back, "My question was could you have?"

Nick had been next on the stand, talking about the night Lewis shot and killed a Suffolk County Patrol officer. Lewis had posed whether or not Nick believed he had killed the officer, an absolutely ridiculous question. The evidence from ballistics had come back with the information that the bullet had come from Olivia's gun. When it was found at the beach house, the only two sets of fingerprints that came back were from Lewis and Olivia. It made total sense why Olivia's prints had been on the gun, because after all, it was hers. She had it on her person with every shift she took at SVU. She kept it locked up in her apartment, and even still, she was the only one actually using it. This time, it was different. When Lewis had implied that Olivia had possibly shot the officer, that's when Nick became angry. "There's no way she did it, she was duct taped, lying on the car floor while you were driving out to Long Island. How could she have shot someone if she was completely immobile? Huh? How does someone orchestrate something like that after being drugged and just about unconscious?"

"Do you remember the first time that you and Detective Benson interrogated me? How would you characterize her demeanor?"

When Nick replied that Olivia had only been trying to get to the truth, Lewis had gone in for the kill. He threw out that she had been flirting with him, or aroused when Lewis spoke to her. Nick had explained it was a police-tactic to get the most information out of the suspect. It was a role-play they used to connect to Lewis to get him to open up about what he had done in his previous cases, and for what he did to Alice Parker.

It was then, that Olivia heard her name being called up to the stand.

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	58. Chapter 58

**So, since I updated:**

**#1: A back to back update will probably never happen again, so enjoy it while it lasts!**

**#2: Yes, I strayed from the story-line in regards to what you saw on TV. This is the things you should have saw, but never got the chance to.**

**#3: If ya want to follow me on Twitter, have at it - fearLIZness17**

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Her body froze when she heard her name roll off of Judge Flint's tongue. She had been so focused on staring at the New York state insignia to block out Lewis that she almost didn't hear her name altogether. Her mind was racing a mile a minute as she clenched her hands together in her lap. She didn't even notice that her wrist was throbbing, or that she had already drew blood from pinching the skin on the back of her left hand. The inside of her cheek was raw, after practically biting a hole through it as she listened to Lewis grill Fin and Amanda earlier. Her stomach had lurched the second she realized that it was her turn to face the beast. It had been in knots all morning, and not eating anything hadn't helped her cause.

Kat's eyes were focused directly on her mother's back, noting every move or lack thereof she made. For the most part, she had been still throughout the beginning of the trial. On some occasions, she noticed her mother brushing her hair behind her ears and the slight shake in her hands as she did so. Olivia had never once turned around since Barba went up to bat first, and Kat was praying that Lewis didn't go too hard on Olivia on the stand. Elliot, on the other hand, had watched as the defense attorney gently placed his hand on her arm to alert Olivia it was her turn. His eyes followed his former partner as she slowly rose from her seat, and made the arduous walk to the witness stand. He watched as she lowered herself into the hard, wooden chair and he noticed how small she truly looked up there in front of everyone.

"Thank you for coming today, Detective Benson." Barba started out, "I know how hard this must be for you."

She pursed her lips together as she nodded her head ever so slightly. Hard was an understatement, it was painful, excruciatingly uncomfortable to have her life wide open the way it was. She hated being the center of attention in anything she did, and knowing that all eyes were on her was just enough to almost lose it. Her eyes were set on Barba, as he continued speaking, "Can you tell me how you first came into contact with William Lewis?"

She calmly replied, "I sat down with him in the interrogation room, after he had been picked up for exposing himself to two foreign tourists in Central Park."

"Who was with you during the interrogation?"

Without hesitation, she answered, "My partner, Nick Amaro."

Barba looked at the jurors before jumping ahead in the examination, "When Mr. Lewis was released from custody, where did Captain Donald Cragen send you?"

"On a two day mandatory leave," Olivia replied.

"And why is that?"

"I had been sleeping in the cribs throughout the case," she stated, her eyes staring at her empty seat. "he sent me home to spend time with my daughter."

"Detective Benson," Barba started, "is your daughter in the courtroom today?"

"Yes."

"Can you please point to her, for the jury?"

She scanned the courtroom, before locking in on her daughter who was sitting right next to Elliot. Both women made eye contact for a few short seconds, in which Kat noticed how nervous her mother truly was. It was then that Olivia raised her left hand, and pointed. "That's my daughter, Kathryn Benson."

"Where was she, on the night your Captain sent you on leave?"

"At her friend Maggie's, they were working on a school project together."

Barba continued, "Could you please tell me, what happened when you arrived home?"

"I walked in, with some bags of groceries I picked up on my way back. I set the paper bags on the kitchen counter, including my keys and phone. I thought I heard some kind of a noise coming from the back bedroom, some shuffling maybe, or a small bang. That's when I called my daughter's name." Olivia said, her voice steady and relatively calm as she continued answering the question. "I turned the corner, and before I could make it down the hallway, William Lewis took a step out of the darkness, holding my gun to my head." She remembered how her heart was racing like it was in the Indianapolis 500, or she thought it was going to come straight through her chest. She could remember how scared she was, and how he looked so menacing behind the gun. She could still hear his words as they replayed in her head, _Welcome home, Detective Benson._

"How did Mr. Lewis enter your apartment?"

Olivia shook her head, "I don't know. All of my doors and windows were locked."

Barba nodded, as he looked at the jurors who were watching Olivia intently. "What happened next, Detective Benson?"

"He pulled the gun to my cheek, and he grabbed my waist with one of his arms." She started, her eyes darting all over the floor as she remembered the first night she spent with Lewis. "He shoved me against the corner of the kitchen counter, and when I tried to fight him, he came back harder." Olivia said, remembering how hard she struggled trying to break free from his embrace and how despite this, she just wasn't strong enough. "He tied me to a chair, and placed a piece of duck-tape over my mouth to prohibit me from making any noise." She remembered how difficult it was to breath through it and how she thought she might suffocate. "I kicked him, when he was duck-taping my left leg. It was then, when he shoved the chair to the ground. I hit my head, and everything went black."

"How long, would you estimate, you were unconscious for?" The defense attorney asked, knowing that Olivia had no idea.

"Objection, speculation." Lewis called out, from his chair. It was the first time he had spoken since Olivia had taken the stand. The judge however, replied, "I'll allow it, go ahead."

She shrugged her shoulders, and stated she didn't know. _There she is, big beautiful brown eyes. They're so beautiful. Give me a smile, still feeling woozy, huh? It's alright, we got time. _She could still feel his breath on her face as he was kneeling next to the tipped over chair she was still tied to. His hand caressing her cheek, his fingers running through her hair as she was still coming to. She could feel the weight of her gun as he pressed it against her thigh, and she could still smell the alcohol on his breath. _That's the end game, sweetheart. We got a lot of shock and awe to go through before we do that. _She was brought out of her thoughts by another question, it was then, that she realized that Barba had asked a third time. "What did your daughter say on the voicemail she left you?"

Olivia bit her lip, and willingly locked eyes with Kat. She knew the teenager felt incredibly guilty, and by the looks of her eyes now, she still felt the same. Olivia's eyes, were no different. They were glassy, as she remembered how her heart sank to her stomach at the realization she was utterly alone with Lewis. She felt her heart plummet again as she restated the voicemail, "She wasn't going to make it home, because of the project. She said she was thinking of me, and if I needed her, to call."

Barba watched as the cracks in Olivia's walls opened, he knew that she truthfully wasn't going to last much longer and he was avoiding hitting the hard questions until he knew that the judge would grant a recess. "What happened after Mr. Lewis replayed the voicemail?"

"He didn't believe I had a daughter, I guess he didn't see much of her stuff laying around the apartment to think I did." Olivia recalled, remembering how thankful she was that her daughter had decided to stay at her friends. She was fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, as she continued, "I tried bargaining with him to let me go, but he didn't want any of it."

"What did you offer him, Detective?"

"A way out," she shakily replied, "I told him I'd cover up what he did to me. I said that I'd make up a story, that a cab stopped short and I hit my face on the divider." She could see his face inches away from hers, and she could still feel the burn of the end of his cigarette singe her skin. _Just like a dog with a bone on that one._ She could hear his laugh and despite all of this, she continued, "I told him that if he walked out of the door, we could pretend none of this ever happened. He didn't like it, and he began to yell." She remembered how he lunged at her, with her gun pointed straight at her face as she pleaded with him. _You think you've put people through hell? It will rain back down on you. _"He was holding my gun, and when he struck me with it, I blacked out."

"And where were you when you regained consciousness?"

"A house," she paused, "I had never seen it before."

Barba treaded lightly with his next question, knowing that Lewis could interject at any time. He thought it was weird, how he hadn't said a word throughout Benson's examination, but then again, anything was up for grabs. "What happened in the house?"

"I was tied to a chair, in a bedroom up on the second floor. I made out Lewis' figure and that's when I saw someone else laying on the bed." She hesitated, as she clasped her hands together in her lap. She could feel her body begin to ever so slightly shake, as she remembered the horror of the Mayer house. "I realized it was Mrs. Mayer when I saw a picture of her and her daughter on the nightstand. She was naked, and when he realized I was awake he knelt down in front of me." She stopped, when she realized she sounded weak and she hated herself for already losing it. She didn't want to break down so early into questioning, but she was fighting a losing battle. "He said I had to watch, and if I closed my eyes or turned away, he'd kill her."

"Did you ever turn away?"

Olivia nodded, and the guilt of it just about made her want to vomit on the witness stand. She could feel her eyes start to water slightly as she started, "It was agonizing to watch, and I couldn't help but turn away. She was screaming at him to stop, and trying so hard to fight him but he just wouldn't let up." Olivia remembered how Lewis watched her the entire time he was on top of Mrs. Mayer, waiting for the second Olivia would slip up. "He'd press a cigarette to my chest, or hers if she stopped moving. I lost count after ten, and when he lost interest with those, he moved on to physical violence. He resorted to punching and kicking myself as well as Mrs. Mayer." The defense attorney looked at the jurors who were so focused on Olivia's story, a good sign that things might actually fall in their favor. He turned back to face the Detective, who continued speaking, a little more emotion filling her voice, "I didn't mean to look away, the pain was just too great. My entire body ached, and when I regained consciousness, I thought Mrs. Mayer was dead because she was no longer in the bedroom."

"Could you please tell the jury where Mr. Lewis took you next?"

"I was on the floor of a car, my legs tied together with duck-tape and my hands were cuffed to the side door." She stated clearly, also remembering how she had lost feeling in her wrists. She could still remember the feeling of how dry her throat had been and how it hurt to swallow even her own saliva. _If I take the tape off, will you be a good girl?_ "The car was parked, and when he came back, he was carrying a paper bag. A tarp, rope, extra duck tape. He never said specifically what he was going to use them for."

"Detective Benson," Barba continued walking before he rested his hand on the corner of the witness stand. "Would you please tell the court that over the course of four days, how much water the defendant had given you? How much food?"

She picked up her left hand, and ran it through her hair before tucking a strand behind her ear. Olivia looked directly at the counselor, "I didn't receive any food. If I was lucky, I'd get a sip of a water a day. Other times, I went without." The defense attorney was getting ready to ask another question after he believed she was finished, Olivia continued, "He forced me to drink vodka, holding my gun to my head to get me to comply. It burned my throat, and then made it harder for the times it was given to me after that. I would cough, and most of it would spill down the front of my shirt. There were three occasions where I vomited, and all he did was sit back and watch." She shook her head, as she brought her left hand up to her neck, resting it on her chest as she remembered how painful that period of time was. Olivia heard his voice, _I think we're gonna find it soon, some place special. _She could still see his face as he held up a water bottle, laughing as he watched her eyes follow its every move. "He mocked me, and as if I wasn't drunk enough, he kept trying to force feed me a steady supply of Vicodin."

Elliot tried to keep his cool, and he bit back a string of choice words for the man who did this to her. He rolled his neck, and cracked his knuckles. He was trying to control his trembling hands that were filled with raw rage and inexplicable anger. He wanted to break through the wooden gate that separated the spectators from the legal battle. He wanted nothing more than to scoop her up in his arms and make sure she knew that she was safe, that he wasn't going to let anything happen to her. Elliot had watched Olivia retell how she was deprived of the very substance that keeps her alive. He had heard how she had started to falter, her voice breaking and how she rested her hand on her chest to keep it from shattering open. He had hoped for those big brown eyes of hers to find his in the crowd, to help her continue speaking but he knew that she was strong. He knew that she could tell how she was stripped of a basic necessity because she had always been stronger than him.

"And during this time period," Barba questioned, as he walked to the other side of the court room so he was standing to the right of Judge Flint, "were you ever in fear of your life?"

_One move, lights out. I'll do ya cold. _It was a loaded question, and Elliot had kept a careful eye on how she reacted. He saw her freeze up, and he knew that she was thinking of every time Lewis had held a gun to her head or the feeling of cold metal against her flushed cheeks. He knew they hadn't even approached the subject of her rape, but in her body language, he knew she was thinking about it. He watched as her head moved slowly up and down, nodding at the question. She didn't have to give details because her hesitation to the question had been an answer in and of itself. _Killing you is the easy way out, sweetheart._

"Objection," Lewis called out and Olivia visibly flinched, "it's off the record if she doesn't say anything."

"Ms. Benson, please state your answer." Judge Flint said, as he looked at her.

Her voice was small, and she hated the way it sounded. "Yes, I feared for my life on a number of occasions."

"He took you to a beach house, is that correct? On Long Island?"

"Objection, probing." Lewis stated, to which Olivia clenched her hands together in her lap. She knew he was playing a game with her, and even though she hadn't looked directly at him, she could feel his eyes on her. She could imagine the smile he had on his face, just like all the times before. He was manipulative, even under the most serious of circumstances.

"Withdrawn," Barba said, as he re-stated the question. "Where did Mr. Lewis take you next, Detective?"

"A beach house," she replied, "It had been boarded up out on Long Island."

The defense attorney was dancing around a hard-hitting topic, one that he knew would cause a recess. Barba knew that any question from here on out would send her spiraling. He felt awful that he was the one opening each one of her wounds up for all to see, but he was only trying to get justice for his friend. "Is it true, that you asked William Lewis to shoot you?"

It was obvious to anyone who was looking at the Detective, to see how she immediately tensed up upon hearing the question. Her hands were trembling in her lap and her eyes had instantly become glassy as she searched for him in the pews. She found his ocean blue eyes, and still, she felt like she couldn't breathe. Elliot had gritted his jaw as he looked into her big, brown eyes. They were wide, and teary. He nodded at her, and despite the small gesture, she made no movements. He drew in a breath, and he made it a point to exhale slowly, in an attempt to help her let go of the air inside her own chest. It took a three tries before Elliot saw her exhale. She'd let go of her breath, and her shoulders had fallen a little more. They took another deep breath together, and then started to speak. "Yes, I did."

"Why?" Barba asked, before making eye contact with Elliot. He saw the former Detective shake his head slightly. It was a silent gesture, to get the defense attorney to ask for a recess after Olivia finished answering. Both men knew she wasn't going to make it through the end of her sentence and it was a matter of time before she broke down completely.

"I-" she began, "I didn't want to die, at first." Olivia stopped, as she tried any which way to gather her emotions. "I was in so much pain, from head to toe. The vodka and Vicodin had knocked me out, each and every time it was forced down my throat." She brought her hand up to her face, as she wiped away few tears. Her eyes had focused on Elliot, and despite his best efforts to comfort her, his life preserver just wasn't enough to keep her above the water line. "I thought that, if he shot me, -" she cried, as the flood gate of tears opened up, "I wouldn't have to be at the mercy of whatever thought he had going on in his head. I wouldn't have to be the pawn in his chess game anymore." Olivia stuttered, her voice somehow still clear. The court room was silent, as she spoke her last words. "I'd just be gone."

"Your honor, I'd like to request a recess." Barba immediately stated, knowing full well Olivia was done for the day. Judge Flint nodded, and that was all it took for Olivia to practically jump up from the witness stand and fly out of the court room. Elliot saw her wiping tears away as she made her way straight past him and out the double doors. Twice, he had called her name but to no avail, she just kept walking, never once turning around.

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